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How to deal with rude comments from family members?


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I'm not around much family anyway, so these are usually few and far between, thankfully.

But a couple of times in the past, my sister has had some rude remarks after we were with friends, etc. 

It's never when we are alone, always in the presence of company. Not ALWAYS but I can remember at least two occasions:

When a friend asked us if we (my sister and I) wanted dessert now, or later, after dinner (can't remember what it was, or how much it was, it was way before I started to lose weight anyway). This was in my early 20's so it's a bit back. I replied "now" and my sister retorted "you're STILL hungry?"

Or, about a year ago, when I was at friend's 4th of july BBQ ... eating some brownies after dinner, and I forgot the exact amount, but this was within the time I had joined CC and lost about 20 or so pounds, I forgot exactly what was said first, but I remember her saying "you ate four of them anyway"

... so, you're watching and logging how much I eat? wasn't aware. I've lost 40 lbs as of now, and I still log everything I eat everyday, and I don't overeat, so. Not sure why anyone would assume I don't know how to control my food intake. Um, the 40lbs didn't lose themselves. If I was severely underestimating my food intake, and eating much more than I knew, uh, i'd know it. Mind your own business. 

Of course, my sister is a very argumentative and emotionally sensitive person, so I have to tip-toe around her usually and censor myself, and my feelings. I had not said anything to her those two times.

But this is just my perception of events. Perhaps it was a normal observation and she had not meant anything by it, but I still find it odd to comment on how much someone else is eating (or not eating).

I find it rude. I would never point out to ANYONE, regardless of who they were, how much they were eating. 

So, how would you deal with this? incase it happens again, what would be the correct response from a doormat to a sister (or anyone) who feels the need to make observations based on your eating habits?

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Why does your sister get it both ways? She gets to make comments and you don't get to say anything about it? Hell naw.

Tell her what you said here: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were my personal calorie counter."

She gets to keep being high-strung and annoying as long as you tolerate it.

Eh. I don't know. She very rarely says anything. When we're alone, she doesn't usually comment on what I eat, it's only been in the presence of others. And I never make comments on her eating choices/body/clothes/whatever, so. I find it kind of unfair she gets to imply i'm some sort of uncontrolled "fatty" or whatever she thinks, not sure, she never insults me by using names or that sort.

I don't know if she means it in a bad way or not. I don't think she was trying to be purposefully mean. But she says a lot of stuff that annoys me, and I usually just have to take it, because I really don't like arguing. I'm a non-confrontational person.

Another comment that kinda left me going "bluh?" was (and it had nothing to do with food), but rather my choice of clothing, a long-sleeved button up shirt and a new bra, that I guess ... accentuated my already quite-large breasts, more than necessary (it was in no way revealing, but I guess the bra just made them look bigger), was when we were taking photos of each other at the resturant that she, her female friend, and I were at.

She took a picture of me and went "your boobs are HUGE!" well, yes, they are. That didn't really bother me as much because well, it's true and her friend was female. 

Then she said (to her friend) "oh, (my name) is used to me saying stuff about her boobs."

...  Oh really, I wanted to respond "I'm not "used to it", I just tolerate people making odd comments about me and my body.

Maybe she's right though; I grew up around verbally abusive "adults" who would constantly pick me apart about my body/weight/whatevertheywantedtobecausetheywe re/aredouches. Maybe I am used to it, but I don't think she meant it that way.

I don't know, does it sound like i'm overreacting? I have been getting, or at least I feel as though I have been getting, more and more paranoid, but I have no idea if that's due to my social anxiety or not.

All I know is, my sister usually doesn't make it better.

I'll say something if she does it again ... 

The reason I say nothing is just because it's easier; I am a quiet, introverted person and simply don't have the patience or energy required to get into a lame argument. Not worth it to me, so I take punches

I have been doing that most of my life, but I think in my 29 years, it's time for it  to come to an end.

I like "these 40 pounds didn't lose themselves" because it's not really confrontational, it's a fact.  I know it's harder in the moment, but practice it.

Original Post by missmoonlight:

I'm not around much family anyway, so these are usually few and far between, thankfully.

But a couple of times in the past, my sister has had some rude remarks after we were with friends, etc. 

It's never when we are alone, always in the presence of company. Not ALWAYS but I can remember at least two occasions:

When a friend asked us if we (my sister and I) wanted dessert now, or later, after dinner (can't remember what it was, or how much it was, it was way before I started to lose weight anyway). This was in my early 20's so it's a bit back. I replied "now" and my sister retorted "you're STILL hungry?"

Or, about a year ago, when I was at friend's 4th of july BBQ ... eating some brownies after dinner, and I forgot the exact amount, but this was within the time I had joined CC and lost about 20 or so pounds, I forgot exactly what was said first, but I remember her saying "you ate four of them anyway"

... so, you're watching and logging how much I eat? wasn't aware. I've lost 40 lbs as of now, and I still log everything I eat everyday, and I don't overeat, so. Not sure why anyone would assume I don't know how to control my food intake. Um, the 40lbs didn't lose themselves. If I was severely underestimating my food intake, and eating much more than I knew, uh, i'd know it. Mind your own business. 

Of course, my sister is a very argumentative and emotionally sensitive person, so I have to tip-toe around her usually and censor myself, and my feelings. I had not said anything to her those two times.

But this is just my perception of events. Perhaps it was a normal observation and she had not meant anything by it, but I still find it odd to comment on how much someone else is eating (or not eating).

I find it rude. I would never point out to ANYONE, regardless of who they were, how much they were eating. 

So, how would you deal with this? incase it happens again, what would be the correct response from a doormat to a sister (or anyone) who feels the need to make observations based on your eating habits?

 

 respond passive aggressively or ill get them back ten fold with my rhetoric

Well, I am passive aggressive sometimes ... that's the problem. I want to be less passive and more ... uh ... assertive? I don't know how to do that, i'm not usually assertive.

You get to decide when you've had enough and when to tell them to mind their own business or that their comments are hurtful.  I warn you though it takes a lot of work to get them to change their interactions with you.  Generally sooner rather than later and calmly but firmly are the way to retrain them.

You could start by taking your sister aside and telling her that her comments on your weight are not only unecessary but actually hurtful.  Then when she makes a comment, remind her at the time that really you're not interested in those types of comments.  It's is hard work to retrain family interactions, but the only way to get them to change.

Thanks. She doesn't really comment on my weight though, but those are two seperate incidents. I was just wondering if they were just me being overreacting, but it's hard to say from someone else's perspective since they don't know her.

But yes, I agree ... I should be more assertive, but that's difficult for me.  =[

 

Thanks for your advice.

It is hard to say from our point of view. I can offer advice for if my brothers had said something to me like that. I would bite back. But in truth, that is how we play with each other. We can tell when something is said to be mean and when something is said because we want to play around. We know we are not saying "stop eating you fat cow" because we mean it - btw we've never said anything that intense to each other - we just say it because we are always giving each other little jabs as we play. If one of us gets our feeling hurt we let each other know and back off, because thats not why we say what we do. I dont know your sister or if she is that way or not, but in my family it wouldnt necessarily be a mean jab. Although, usually we make fun of things that we ourselves are doing, which is part of why it is obvious its all in fun.

If you are really hurt about these, then you should bring it up, but I would probably wait till it happens again. Bringing up something that happened a long time ago is a bad idea, because she probably wont remember it.

My sister and I have had some of those situations too and in the end I sat down with her and started - really carefully of course - to tell her that when she said XYZ it hurt me and I felt really bad.

Whenever I have those talks with her its important to make sure that you word it not as an accusation. Dont say YOU HURT ME by saying...blablabla... but instead try to say I AM SURE YOU DONT INTENTIONALLY HURT ME BUT THE WAY IT CAME ACROSS IN FRONT OF OTHERS REALLY MADE ME FEEL HURT.

It wont help if you come across as passive aggressive or accusatory. She will just fight back and nothing will be solved. The goal is to make her understand that you love her as your sister and that she has a lot of power over you because she is important to you. When she says things you take them seriously. So when she makes a comment in front of others its like double hit. Not just that it is uncomfortable in front of others but also because you feel she is judging you.

My theory is that she doesnt mean to hurt you. She sounds like someone with a very low self esteem and by making a negative comment about you she tries to make herself feel better. Of course its not fair and not nice and not appropriate. But actually her issues play an important part in this too...

Well... those are my 2 cents... Maybe it helps...

 

I agree.  Your sister does this for positive attention from people, which is why she never does it when you are alone.  It may not be conscious, but she does it so other people compare her to you, and see her in a better light.  It's not right, and unless you plan on hearing it more often, you should talk to her about it.  It's not about overreacting, social anxiety, or any other reason or excuse you can give yourself to talk yourself out of confronting her.  It's about communication--you talk to her about your tolerance level.  If she's sensitive, play on that.  Tell her she would be upset if you said those things to her, so you would like it if she would refrain from saying those things to you.  This is not confrontation, it's communication.  And if she can't tell the difference, then at least you did what you could.  At least she'll know it bothers you, so when she does it again, you just have to give her a look, and she'll know what's up.

I have a friend who is super nice alone but on occasion will say rude/hurtful things in front of others about me or my choices. My choices have no effect on her so there's no real prompt for the comments. I can't tell if she means to do this or if it's just bad word vomit but I think she does it because of her insecurities. She makes comments to bring to light what I am doing and how different or silly it may seem so no one has time to criticize her for her imperfections. That's on her, not you but you will have to play a part in putting a stop to it. I always just let it go because being defensive or engaging in her comments only fuel the fire. I haven't found an effective way to curb her comments or fix HER problems. I think others can see through it.

Also, I think a lot of people are calorie count "dumb." I will allow for an extra snack and people act like I cleaned out the buffet. These people know I am "dieting" so all they see is the extra snack. They don't see that I planned out my meals for the day and had some calories left over. So they think I'm off track or committing diet suicide. Sometimes I think the comments are from sheer uneducation. (If that's a word?)

Good luck, chin up and you'll push through this
Original Post by rainadenise:

Also, I think a lot of people are calorie count "dumb." I will allow for an extra snack and people act like I cleaned out the buffet. These people know I am "dieting" so all they see is the extra snack. They don't see that I planned out my meals for the day and had some calories left over. So they think I'm off track or committing diet suicide. Sometimes I think the comments are from sheer uneducation. (If that's a word?)

I agree!!! This is what happens to me ALL THE TIME!

I like watermelon for a snack in the afternoon. Often enough I have a big bowl for about 150 cal. What does my skinny colleague say "Watermelon is very high in sugar"! Well... yeah... but it's better than snickers!! Duh!

These kind of things happen all the time! And yes - those comments come not from being mean, it's because people have no idea about nutrition and of course they love to stick their noses in other peoples business! LOL

I think those comments come from being nosy, and yes, ignorant.

Also, watermelon has natural sugar that is grown with it, not the added sugar and saturated fat that a candy bar would have.

So usually, saying that to someone under-educated (who thinks they know more than you, unless they, well, actually do) will either make them feel stupid or shut them up, either is fine with me.

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