I have just graduated from college and moved home to live with my parents until my fiance returns from Iraq. I have gained 3 lbs in 5 days and I am quite perturbed by the thought of the weight gain only gaining momentum while I'm here. When I was at school I got down to 120lbs and felt great. As soon as my mom showed up to help me pack, we started eating out, I stopped going to the gym and I even started eating things I know I shouldn't, like cheeses and other dairies (I'm lactose intolerant). The drive home I can forgive, for it is difficult to exercise on the road, but even then I ran for 20min after breakfast. Upon getting to San Francisco my parents started pestering each other, which at their age and for how long they have been together, is not unusual. But my father loves to show off his culinary skills and insists on big dinners. Only recently have we discouraged him from serving as late as 9:30pm; now he serves around 7:30pm, which has helped with both digestion and sleep. The biggest problems that I have encountered in these few days are 1) when my parents bicker I get upset and snack, and 2) my father has become a monomaniacal gym rat and insists that my mother and I are not doing anything but getting fatter because we won't embrace his insistence that spinning is the only way to really burn fat and get healthy (along with a better diet). I prefer the elliptical because I have tendinitis from 15 years of soccer and my mom prefers yoga and walking, which I encourage because she is not a cardio/athletic person, and never has been.
Perhaps I'm looking for multifaceted answers here, but I just need some advice on how to control my weight in this environment and also how to get my father to realize that because spinning worked for him, it doesn't indicate a universal strategy for a healthier life. We have tried to tell him for over a year that it is not the activity for us. I was doing well on the elliptical until I moved (I was also biking to/from campus everyday, and doing moderate free weights every other day). My mother travels back to the East Coast every 7 weeks to be with her 90-year-old mother, so she doesn't have the schedule for gung-ho classes like my father does. Any suggestions for how to avoid anxiety eating? to help my mother get my father from pestering her about working out?
esmm, this is interesting because the same thing happens to me, but when I return to college. I am terrified of going back next semester and gaining the few pounds I have worked very hard to lose. My friends there DO NOT eat healthy at all, and tease me when I am trying to count calories or order the healthy salad at a restaurant. Also, school makes me really anxious so I snack a lot more and tend to eat higher fat foods.
What I would suggest is just stepping back. I have found that when I try to get in between my parents and help them solve a problem, it just makes things messy and much more difficult. My dad seems just as stubborn as yours, but I think if you and your mom start ignoring him about spinning he might calm down.
As for the anxiety eating, whenever I feel like eating like that, I stop myself. I list the reasons I want to eat, and if one of them isn't because I am legitimately hungry, I don't even step into the kitchen, or go anywhere near food. But if that doesn't even stop me, I try and stock my fridge with no calorie iced white or black tea. I have a few cups of that with some lemon and sweetner and it makes my cravings go down and also makes me feel really full.
Anyways. I really hope this helps.
Another thing, which you probably already know, is that exercise is a great way to deal with anxiety. My dog gets so many walks when I'm under a lot of stress! :-) You don't have to go to the gym- and your dad needs to back off, lol- just walk around the block for five minutes to clear your head a little.
You can do this! Good luck!
Sorry, it's you, not your family. They are not forcing you to eat large portions or cheese/ dairy and at least they encourage some type of exercise. The only thing you can do to shut your dad up is to do whatever exercise you do and lose weight, though dieting plays a crucial role in that. You don't have to eat a big dinner!! Just eat smaller portions of the healthier food. I think most foods are fine in moderation, unless he's cooking fried chicken and onion rings or something. I'm sure making your own salad as well can fit in a budget. The first step is self-responsibility, even though we don't like hearing it we can't blame McDonalds/the government/our friends/parents on gaining weight. Then again, you've only gained three pounds that's not that bad! You can get that off in 1-2 weeks I bet.
also, there is no way you've gained 3 pounds of fat in 5 days. it could be a variety of factors and is probably just some fluid retention.
i do not have that much advice other than it is not very helpful to try to get into their arguments-it may turn against you.i have learned this only recently and i am 34 though... duh!!
Try to get out of the house more. Maybe take walks and kill two birds with one stone - you'll get exercise and you'll be away from food and your parents for a while.
Try not to let them affect you so much. I know it's easier said than done, but just try and ignore the comments your parents make and their bickering. They probably don't know how much it negatively impacts you. Don't let it get to you.
I have some suggestions. When your parents argue, grab your bike and go for a ride. SF is a great workout with all the hills. Walk and take public transit. There are so many beautiful places and cool things to see in SF. Get out there and take them in.
Try to find a summer job at an active place? Landscaping, lifeguard, camp counsellor, rock-climbing gym attendant ... something that gets you out of the house, keeps you active, and keeps you busy so you're not snacking.
Thank you all very much for your responses. My father, being the chef in the family, is insistent upon serving our portions and then becomes overly upset if we don't eat it all. Years of asking him to allow me to serve myself have accomplished nothing. In this regard, I do blame my father for some of the weight gain. I would get a job for the summer, but I will only be in SF for about 4 more weeks, then it all becomes traveling with family until November. That is going to be another and very different challenge. Living in SF does certainly present wonderful exercise opportunities: all the stairs!!! To get anywhere in my parent's house I have to go up or down many flights and it has been great on my legs. Also, this has helped me lose the weight I was worried about. My doc has asked that I lose about 5 more lbs (I'm very petite structurally), so a few more weeks of stairs and gardening (helps with the stress/anxiety), then I'll be feeling better about being back here. (Also running and doing free weights.)
But again, thank you all.
I maybe don't have the whole story, but from what you've described your dad sounds pretty controlling and manipulative. He gets overly upset if you don't clean your plate after you've already told him you don't want that much? He is an adult. You are an adult. Eiither there is something very wrong with your communication, or he is SERIOUSLY oversensitive if hearing "thanks, but I'm not that hungry" makes him overly upset.
Sorry if that's inaccurate, maybe it's just the words you used, but that's the impression I have.
Congrats on losing the 5lbs and hope the exercising goes well.
Just a comment, but you mentioned that you're lactose intolerant and have been eating dairy. I am L/I too, and when I eat dairy (without taking those enzymes like lactaid beforehand) my stomach bloats, cramps, and my intestines just stop moving things. That can contribute to weight gain, especially if your bowels aren't moving like they usually do.
Safiyah
Original Post by vegetariangeek:
I maybe don't have the whole story, but from what you've described your dad sounds pretty controlling and manipulative. He gets overly upset if you don't clean your plate after you've already told him you don't want that much? He is an adult. You are an adult. Eiither there is something very wrong with your communication, or he is SERIOUSLY oversensitive if hearing "thanks, but I'm not that hungry" makes him overly upset.
Sorry if that's inaccurate, maybe it's just the words you used, but that's the impression I have.
Congrats on losing the 5lbs and hope the exercising goes well.
Actually, you're about right. He is very controlling, but it is nothing new to the family. We've been putting up with it for years. When he still worked on Capitol Hill he was a very powerful man. That attitude came home with him at night. However, when he semi-retired (he will never fully retire as long as he is living) he went into overdrive mode from lack of power. We had all been encouraging him to take on hobbies - that is how the spinning phenomenon took hold ("no good deed goes unpunished" as my grandmother constantly reminds me). But you read right into his character.
Original Post by safiyah1:
Just a comment, but you mentioned that you're lactose intolerant and have been eating dairy. I am L/I too, and when I eat dairy (without taking those enzymes like lactaid beforehand) my stomach bloats, cramps, and my intestines just stop moving things. That can contribute to weight gain, especially if your bowels aren't moving like they usually do.
Safiyah
Yes, I think you are also on target. I switched back to having Almond Milk instead of regular milk with my morning cereal. I've stayed away from as many of the cheesy items my dad has around or prepares. I'm feeling so much better. I think the weight gain was from so many different things: the stress of finals week and packing everything to move at the same time; the anxiety of moving back to this house and, also, not having heard from my fiance (in Iraq) in some time; not working out and being restricted to a diet I have little control over...it all adds up.
I did talk to my father last night about backing off. It was not the first time, of course, but I think I might have found an Achilles heel of sorts. I told him he was a bully (it might sound childish, but it is accurate even on an adult level). He said he felt picked on. I asked him which likely came first: his insistence that we join spinning, or his feelings of being picked on. I think he realized it then. So, I admit, I was picking on him the same way he was picking us. I am not one to walk away from a verbal fight (like my father, I revel in a good debate), especially when it is in defense of loved ones. My father and I, both, need to cease and desist from this "King of the Hill" need to be the loudest and most persuasive. We are so much alike in the worst ways, I guess.
It's interesting to hear about that type of family dynamic. I don't think most people recognize their own behavioural patterns, so if you do want to change them you're a lot closer than most people just by being aware of what you're doing! It's good that you can both talk to each other about it.
I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're trying to work on your relationship with your father. He sounds like my ex in many ways and unfortunately, right now my daughter is totally estranged from him. It's much more mature to recognize BOTH his strengths & weaknesses and let some of the crap roll off your back.
As you know, you can't change anyone but yourself. You certainly can't change the dynamic between your parents. Like morrighu, I recommend you get away when they bicker. I would even tell them that you don't want to be around for it so you'll see them later. Don't say it in a nasty way, just 'that's the way it is'. It would make me think if I was your parent. And it will give you another opportunity to hit some of those steps! ;)
Original Post by esmm:
I did talk to my father last night about backing off. It was not the first time, of course, but I think I might have found an Achilles heel of sorts. I told him he was a bully (it might sound childish, but it is accurate even on an adult level). He said he felt picked on. I asked him which likely came first: his insistence that we join spinning, or his feelings of being picked on. I think he realized it then. So, I admit, I was picking on him the same way he was picking us. I am not one to walk away from a verbal fight (like my father, I revel in a good debate), especially when it is in defense of loved ones. My father and I, both, need to cease and desist from this "King of the Hill" need to be the loudest and most persuasive. We are so much alike in the worst ways, I guess.
Remember that a bully can only be a bully with the right responsive audience. I don't mean to sound like a fortune cookie, but the fact is if you take the audience away from the bully (say, by their ignoring him/her) then that bully cannot be a bully anymore. They instead become a whiner, or someone who just likes to complain, or whatever. He may feel he has your best interests at heart, but it's his methods that you rebel against. While it may be difficult to do, perhaps it's time to simply stand your ground instead of debating. There's more than one way to defend your family.
Simply tell him calmly that you'll fix your own plate from now on and that this isn't open to discussion. Let him know that if he fixes your plate, then that plate will go uneaten. Tell him this and then do it, and stick to it. It may mean that there WILL be a plate (or two, or three) that goes uneaten, and he may throw a fit. Just speak calmly to him and let him know that you DID tell him you were going to fix your own plate to start with, so that empty plate belongs to him, not you. And then let it go. This may be hard for you, but I get the impression that you're worried about your dad, or you wouldn't be arguing with him in the first place. The achilles heel may be that crack you needed to finally get through to him, but be patient with him. He didn't turn out that way overnight...
When he gets it, you'll be able to eat more healthy, and you'll be that much happier as a result. And once he gets it, that will take a little bit of pressure off his shoulders, which will help him (and the rest of the family) to relax. Win/win.
Of course, this is just a suggestion, feel free to take it with a grain of salt.
Safiyah
Thank you again. For my first real thread posting, I'm coming out of it with positivity. I had been reluctant to post anything for some time. You are all very understanding and helpful.
