Non-food rewards and help with calorie count??

So, I've decided that since I have about 17 lbs to go to reach my final goal, that every 5 lbs I give myself a non-food reward--when I hit 142 I'm fully planning on going and buying a new shirt that I want, and then at 137 (which will be my lowest weight ever, yay!) I"m going to buy a pair of jeans ^_^. At my FINAL goal, I'm going to go buy myself a new CD player...I don't know if this kind of "reward" thing helps anyone...but I think I tend to lose sight of the reward, and I forget about it, so it's not quite working as I hoped.

Also...I'm afraid, because of my recent battle with an eating disorder, my body is currently in "starvation mode", and I still have a very hard time with food and eating control...so it's either I don't do anything at all, and I retain my willpower, or I give in and completely lose it....a lot of the time...so I have a VERY hard time going to 1200-1400 calories a day, especially because eating that much will immediately put weight back on for me.

I am wondering...should I just "jump" back into eating that allotted amount and gain weight for a bit (which I'm terrified of, unfortunately...and no matter how much I try to deny that I'm completely over this, I know that I'm not, but tomorrow marks my 13th day and still going strong ^_^) OR, should I gradually ease myself into that amount? I have an incredibly hard time with control, and a fear of eating too much, although I know the healthier way of doing it...and I want to, although my psychological state is disallowing me to. Fighting, and winning....but it's an uphill climb, to be sure. Help would be greatly appreciated ^_^

I would say plan your food choices for the day ahead of time as much as you can and log them in your food log. Make sure you eat enough often enough to keep you full. Include some low call deserts to satisfy cravings for sweet stuff. Then eat what you've planned to eat and don't obsess on it anymore.

If you have a hard time with portions, try eating pre-packaged foods (such as Lean cuisine), it will help you get an idea on what portion sizes are.

You probably will gain some weight by eating correctly just because you've been in starvation mode, but this should only be temporary because once you get your metabolism on track again, you'll lose what you gained. Just think of it as like the weight you gain when it's that time of the month. It's annoying while it's there, but it's not permanant.

And just remember you are making a healthier choice and doing the right thing. :)