What should I do? I've lost 140 pounds, and it's not "good enough"...? Advice needed!

I'm a 23 year old male and I have lost 140 pounds. I weigh 160 currently. I exercise five to six time a week for about an hour. I am eating about 2,000 calories per day, and also doing exercise on top of that. I've visited a doctor for a full physical last month (EKG, heart tests, blood pressure, full blood tests,etc..) and everything has came back perfect. So I am in great physical/bodily health.

However, I have an issue with my weight now more than I did when I was nearly 300+ pounds. I don't think I'm good enough. I look in the mirror and see a fat person and am disgusted with myself. Everyone tells me I am no where near fat. I don't believe it because if it were true, how is it possible I look in the mirror and see pure fatness? I just see no way possible I look in the mirror and see "fat" while others see skinniness. I am not thin, at all!! I just know that my eyes AREN'T lying. There are times I look in the mirror and go "UGH..sickening". I do not have any eating disorders though. I've never binged, purged, or starved myself.

I'm not sure what to do. I seem to have plateaued now and aren't losing anymore, which probably is a good thing - though I know all it takes is a simple decrease/increase of calories, and a change in exercises to start losing again. I am talking with someone on this issue to help me out, but I'm still depressed. Can someone explain at all how this is possible for me to look in the mirror and see FAT? I'm glad I'm getting help, but I feel like I am living my life under a dark cloud nowadays. I have a hard time smiling anymore, even at work. I've noticed that at work I'm just more down, and to the point with things. I've quit really engaging in conversations anymore, and keep things to "yes" or "no" type responses - and I HATE IT. There's just something wrong!! I've ruined a relationship because of how depressed and uncomfortable I am with myself!!

So, I'd figure I'd reach out on here as well and see if anyone else A.) has had these issues or  B.) has any suggestions (already am doing counseling) and most importantly...

How in the WORLD can I take such a good thing (weight loss) and turn it into this MESS? Seeing myself FAT....depressed...unhappy...and a "relationship" breaker? Again, this really didn't start till recently (probably two months ago) and I'm not sure why. I was always a normal person - laughing, outgoing, etc. Now I just go to work, and look forward to exercising, and that's it. Any suggestions??

Thanks!

Hugs. It sounds to me like you are dealing depression more than anything.  Have you considered talking with a counselor or therapist??

I agree with weddingmama, it sounds a lot like depression.

You always have to say to yourself: "are these thoughts reasonable?" With weight loss, you should feel empowered, more confident, healthier, etc. It sounds like you are perfectly healthy physically, so it must be something you are dealing with mentally.

I am a very controlling type. When I first starting counting it started becoming an obsession. When I realized this, I backed off. You always have to keep problems in check before they spiral out of control. It sounds like you are trying to nip the problem in the butt before it gets worse, which is great.

You have come so far! Success is something to be savored! So many people try to lose weight and fail. You are obviously strong to have accomplished so much. You can beat this!  

In the meantime, def continue therapy. I think this is your best option. Always know we are here for you!!

Sounds right. I just wish I knew how it's possible that I look in the mirror and see myself fat. It almost sounds like a body dysmorphic issue. I don't understand, because I look in the mirror and THAT'S ME. I know I cannot possibly be imagining things. If that were the case, I'd imagine there would just have to be ONE day that I see myself correctly - that's never happened. I'm just ashamed of myself. How in the world could I have lost all this weight, maintain it, and just slip down this road? It almost sounds unreal. I'd figure 99.9% of people who lose weight live a confident, happier life. I think it's totally real, and embarrassing, that I'm not only young at 23 years old, I'm literally depressed!! I'm not sure what caused this, either. I think one thing is I've gotten really attached to exercise. I just love the feel it gives, and I often tell myself mentally to "keep going" and "try harder". Then, I look in the mirror and see myself, and compare myself to others..it's just a horrible phase. I really do enjoy exercising. I literally can't wait to get off work just to go run 3 miles and do the cardio machines.

Jeez, reading this all over sounds laughable. I bet there's people who would read and think "what in the...world is this guy doing!?". But it's really sad..and true! :(

Such drastic changes in our bodies take time for us to see. It is called Phanotom Fat when you still see yourself as being the size you were before. try to think positivly about yourself. All the people telling you you look great are not playing a mean joke on you, You really do look great. Try discussing this with friends or family, or seek some counseling.

I totally understand you. I think it is just the length of time we have seen ourselves "as we WERE", not as we are now.

In 2006, I lost 30 pounds. I was always "chubby" but still in the healthy weight catagory. Because of health reasons and an illness, I decided to treat my body better and eat better. At one point, my doctors told me to start to try to gain weight. I weighed 104 pounds. Finding cloths to fit me was even a challange, every thing was too big.

Anyway, to tell you how my mind and the mirror didn't match, at 104 pounds, I would get dressed and ask my husband if I looked "fat". WTF?? I've gained a few pounds since then and still think I look fat.

Same thing as you. When I weighed more, I never thought I was fat, never thought about my weight, was fine with me. It's weird.

That's totally odd. When I was over 300 pounds, I never cared about my weight, thought about it, etc.

It wasn't until I started to LOSE that I started to notice. It seems like when I lost my weight, I started to see myself FAT. I right now at 160 pounds see myself disgusting, fat, obese, etc. When I was 300 pounds, all as well. It's almost like, when I lost weight, my confidence, my happiness, and my self view were "lost" as well!

So...freakin'...weird (and scary)!

Edit : Oh, let me add this though. Things that make me happy : the fact I can run 3 miles. When I run I literally feel like going up to random people and saying "Look at me! I can do this! And, I am a former morbidly obese 300 pound man!".

 The fact I can exercise for an hour and not come home dead exhausted makes me happy. At 300 pounds, I could not run. Period. I could never do a pushup, situp, etc. Also, putting on a XXL shirt now is awesome. It's like a dress.

Perhaps youre at the "skinny fat" stage.  Have you tried lifting weights under a program like Starting Strength or Stronglifts?   It will help you to build strength and put some muscle on you and reshape your body.  Congratulations on the weight loss by the way and the return to good health!!

I third the suggestion to continue with therapy! Being depressed is nothing to be embarassed about. It is very common, even though most people don't talk about it. Plus, by losing 140 lbs, you've already accomplished something that most people only dream of.

Aside from that, there are a couple things that I would suggest thinking about in terms of diet/exercise and how they effect your mood and self-image. Are you familiar with the Minnesota Starvation Experiment? It was a clinical study done in the 40s to learn about the physiological and psychological effects of prolonged dietary restriction (1560 calories/day). One of the conclusions of the study was the confirmation that prolonged semi-starvation produces significant increases in depression.

One of the interesting ideas that came out of the study was that many of the  psychological effects of eating disorders may actually result from symptoms of undernutrition and that recovery depends critically upon physical renourishment as well as psychological treatment.

So, I'm wondering if you might be finding yourself in a similar situation. The volunteers in the study only were required to lose 25% of their body weights, and you have already lost almost 50%! You are not only depressed, but, like the study participants, you are also starting to exhibit similar symptoms to people with eating disorders (like the body dismorphia).

The fact that you are maintaining on 2000 calories with your level of activity suggests that your metabolism is depressed, and you may be undernourished. So, maybe you could try bumping your calories up to a proper maintenance level for a while (probably between 2600 and 2900 for you) to give your body a chance to become renourished. In particular, make sure your diet contains plenty of Omega 3 fatty acids, folic acid and vitamin B12, and vitamin D - all of those are known to improve mood.

Interesting. I did check that out. I should be getting plenty of vitamins above - I take fish oil, acai, and a multivitamin - all three, twice daily. I also consume plenty of fiber and protein throughout my day. I'm not really dieting anymore. Pretty much what I'm eating is what I'm happy with everyday. I know a lot of diets are like "eat a piece of lettuce three times a day for six weeks, then return to your normal eating habits", but what I'm eating now IS my normal habits now. I plan on sticking with my foods I'm eating forever (turkey, chicken, low-fat cheese, whole grain bread, kashi bars, flax seed cereal, etc.)

First congrats on losing all that weight & being healthy!

It might help to post up a before & after pic by your mirror & look at the difference, I have only lost 35 lbs but that’s the only thing that works for me.

I don’t know how long you have been over weight but I think you are just used to seeing yourself the way you were. It’s going to take some time for you to come to terms with the new you. Don’t let this drive you crazy, understand that your feelings of being over weight now are only insecurities.

Eat right & exercise but don’t let it ruin/rule your life.

 Enjoy being 23!

It's strange how I can relate to you. I'm currently a 22 y/o 5'4"129ishlbs female, and at my heaviest in high school weighed 150. I've been working on just toning up in the past few years since I lost all the baby fat since I graduated. Anywho, when I first got serious about losing a few extra pounds and building more muscle last summer, I was ridiculously hard on myself. My apartment has mirrors EVERYWHERE. We have an entire panel of them that covers the wall of our dining room, and my bedroom closet doors are both mirrors, AND my bathroom has one big huge long mirror. Talk about a complex! Anytime I would walk into any of these rooms, I would immediately check myself out, but not see anything positive. I'd lift my shirt to just remind myself how terrible I though my stomach looked. I'd do a little turn around and check just to make sure the butt and thighs I hated were still there. I couldn't see anything positive about the way I looked, which made me feel like a crazy person, especially when it brought me to tears. It was summer then, and I barely went outside in shorts, and let me tell you in 90+degree weather, that's not easy to do. I was soo "ashamed" that I hid myself away for months because why would anyone want to look at me? I have all these flaws and imperfections. Not to mention, it was wearing on me that I didn't feel appreciated by any new men in my life for who I was on the inside because of how I looked on the inside, which was just a figment of my imagination I'm sure.

My self image plummeted. And for what reason? Because I felt like, due to the things that were "wrong" with me that I couldn't see anything right? That there was no way my awesome personality and loving heart could make up for a few slight minor imperfections that I saw? It was ridiculous. But then something happened, I'm not sure what, but I think it was a few kind words from my best friend. That the flaws I see are what makes me who I am, it's what people love me for. They don't even see the flaws I see, because it's not what's important. I think the biggest thing is that I buried all sorts of stuff and hid behind a happy face when I didn't want to deal with myself, so when I finally had to break through some walls, I built up some more about my physical image that allowed me ignore myself again. So now I ask you...

...were you ever hiding behind your 300lbs using a smile and laughter and the gift of gab? You say you never thought about it, but be honest with yourself; 300 lbs is a lot for one person to be carrying around and not think that people are judging you for it. When we put on masks and hide behind these things that make people like us, we can forget about the pain inside, push it away. But now that you have lost soo much weight (kudos!), you can't hide anymore. You are you and only you, now in the raw if you will. Your long put up walls are coming down, and you are seeing all the pain you felt when you were heavy, but refused to deal with. It's not depression, it's LIFE. I'm one of those people who hates to blame something for the way I feel, give it a name. What's in a name, what significance does calling what you're feeling "depression"? It only allows you something else to escape to, make an excuse out of it. "It's okay, I'm depressed." WRONG! You are YOU, I say again, and are doing what few people choose to do, which is get to know who you really are inside, in the deepest parts of you, which can be really scary. These parts of you that might feel ugly on the inside, maybe they are, but that's OKAY. Don't ignore any feelings/emotions you have that aren't picture perfect, because no one is, and if you pretend you don't have these emotions, you're only going to shove them away, which makes them come back worse in the end. Trust me, I know what you're feeling right now, I'm having to do it all over again myself, because of walls that we build up to keep out hurt also keep it in at the same time. And when you keep stuff like that in, it all comes out at once when we least want it to, exponentially worse than before.

My advice to you: just talk it out with someone you're close with, that's a good start. Being honest with someone else, truly honest, will allow you to be honest with yourself. Maybe this person you say you ruined a relationship with wouldn't mind talking about it with you? Maybe when you started to feel depressed, you closed yourself off from this person and that hurt her. Opening up to someone who you care about and who cares about you can be the best therapy in the world, it really can, because there is no need for walls with those people. If you feel like crying, let yourself. If you feel like being angry, lay into a punching bag. But get it OUT. Don't hold it in, or hold back, or feel like you have to protect others from yourself because you aren't your usual "you". Open yourself up to the idea of being open with yourself, and you will find that you will find a whole new smile, one that is real and you smile because you know the most intimate parts of you. This is not an overnight process, it takes time and patience on your part for yourself.

Sorry this is so long, but I felt you connect too closely to what I've gone through for me to just pass this by. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe. Or maybe I'm a little right. And if that little piece of "right" helps you along your journey, then I'm glad for it. If you want to chat more, feel free to send me a PM.

PS- Look in the mirror every day, however many times a day, and find something positive to say about yourself. FIND it, it's there, I promise! And once you've found something you honestly think is positive, reflect on it for the day, let it grow deeper and into something more than just the superficial image you see, ie: "My eyes are pretty cool." You could let this turn into something like, "usually someone's eyes are the first thing they see, they don't see my body, the eyes are the window to the soul (corny, but I still feel it's true!), and if they look in my eyes before elsewhere first, then they see me for who I am. Maybe they see the pain I feel, but maybe they also see the laughter in my eyes that I have even forgotten about. I need to find that true laughter again, and just let go of the little things that keep me down. I have made huge accomplishes in my life, why do I hold onto these burdens than only made me feel worthless? I am more than good enough for myself."

...see how easy it is? ;)

You lost 140 pounds. That's freaking amazing.

I can relate to you though. I am currently 140lbs, I have maybe a mere 10lbs left to lose, and I still think I'm fat. Even though people think I'm nowhere near fat. I have previously lost weight, but I am not proud of the weight loss because I didn't do it the healthy way (I hated my body image and starved myself because of it, I had no self esteem)

You however, have lost all that weight the HEALTHY way. Just by doing that alone you deserve to be proud of yourself! There are so many people who would love to be you. So don't be so hard on yourself..

Original Post by slash84:

Interesting. I did check that out. I should be getting plenty of vitamins above - I take fish oil, acai, and a multivitamin - all three, twice daily. I also consume plenty of fiber and protein throughout my day. I'm not really dieting anymore. Pretty much what I'm eating is what I'm happy with everyday. I know a lot of diets are like "eat a piece of lettuce three times a day for six weeks, then return to your normal eating habits", but what I'm eating now IS my normal habits now. I plan on sticking with my foods I'm eating forever (turkey, chicken, low-fat cheese, whole grain bread, kashi bars, flax seed cereal, etc.)

Awesome - it sounds like you have a great attitude! However, I would still suggest upping your calories and seeing how you feel. A man of your size and activity level should probably be eating more to maintain.

Time to talk to somebody.  Now that the fat's off your body, you have to get the fat guy out of your head.

We really are not objective about ourselves because we know what we look like naked without clothing to flatter our better features.  Everyone has fat or cellulite or saggy skin in various places, that's part of life.  Don't focus on those areas to get yourself down, focus on the success that you've had.

How long did it take you to lose those 140lbs?  Even without having an eating disorder it's possible to exhibit signs of disordered eating.  Not eating enough is one, over exercising is another.  2,000 calories a day with exercise is probably not enough for you.

It's possible that your brain is misinterpreting what you see in the mirror.  I like the idea of before and after pictures to get your brain to realize that you are different.  Focus on building muscle which will help to change your body composition.

Keep up the therapy and see if you can find what your issues really are.

Good luck with the ex-relationship.

Thank you so much for the responses and support! Wow! It has made me happy to read all of these replies. At least I know I'm truly not insane...yet! ;)

How long did it take me to lose all the weight - about three yrs.

There IS good out of this, though. The good thing is the fact that I know something is wrong, and am doing something about it.

I'm such a cool average young adult, I have plenty of friends I hang out with, a good job, my own house, etc..but secretly, I have this part of me that literally none but one person (my best friend) knows about!! It's strange. People in real life think I'm just a normal guy that's fun to be around. I smile, laugh, joke around, go out with people...they have no clue that outside of "work" and "life", I'm fighting myself...literally!

This all started in October. About the first week of October, to be exact. I went to the gym one night, did my usual exercise routine. I came home, went to bed a few hours later, and woke up the next morning. I looked in the mirror, and it REALLY struck me how much I've lost. I was amazed. I even looked in the mirror and told myself how good I've done. I continued living life, I saw some old friends I haven't seen for a while that mentioned how good I looked, so I was happy. Everyone though always complimented me because the entire time I've lost weight I've gone down and have NEVER gained at all. I've done damn good.

Well, weeks passed. As time went on, I became obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror. Then it just happened out of no where - magically I was FAT again. There was absolutely no cause I can think of that triggered it. I looked in the mirror one day, and was just purely obese.

 Despite the scale showing my weight the same, I was fatter in the mirror. So, I got freaked out. I seriously thought I had gained like 100 pounds in a few days. I lowered my calorie intake and started to exercise MORE. Weeks passed, and as the scale went down, the image in the mirror went UP - side to side! Then, people started mentioning how I've lost weight. I looked in the mirror, and I was even fatter!! But the scale was LESS!! So now, I'm obsessed. I often will go in the bathroom and look at myself, turn to the side, and just say in my mind "CRAP" when I see how fat I am. I'll critique body parts that are fat to me, google exercises to target those spots.. I go to the gym, run like three mile and doing cardio and weights for an hour, hit those "fat" spots - feel good for a few hours afterwards, go to bed, wake up, and look in the mirror - FAT again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I try not to cheat either. If I even get a burger and desert at a restaurant I would wake up the next morning extremely angry, furious, and mad - and I would go to the gym and exercise FURIOUSLY to rid my body of it.

Ugh. 

It sounds like your original weight loss was probably over enough time so that you're not likely to have any health issues from it.  What concerns me now on your behalf is the recent calorie cutting and distorted body image.  I think that having a delicious meal that isn't particularly healthy occasionally is something that you should be able to enjoy without guilt.

I can't think of very many men who would be overweight at 160, in fact most would be underweight or at a low BMI.  If you can find a counselor who specializes in disordered eating I think that would be very beneficial.  On the subject of therapy it often takes people several different therapists to find one who is right for them, so please don't give up if you don't feel that a therapist is helpful.  You may even find that you need to gain some weight in order to pull yourself out of this mental tailspin.

The only thing is, if I do have a meal that's "unhealthy", I get extremely upset the next day. I literally get mad at myself, and stay depressed.

Maybe you guys can help with this too...

Like, this past Saturday I ate my usual meals throughout the day, but for dinner I ate chinese takeout. So, I had probably 2,500 calories throughout the day, plus takeout chinese which could have been easily 1,500 calories. So, I consumed 4,000 calories that day.

To me this means I've gained about one or two pounds, right? Since I normally eat 2,000 per day, I ate an extra 2,000 - that means I've gained half a pound, or a pound, right? Either way, I've gained something. So, I have this mindset that if I go over my calorie intake or even have a cheat meal, I will gain anywhere from  one to five pounds overnight. And I look in the mirror the next day and what do you know - I appear five pounds heavier, and I refuse to weigh myself for a week.

But then I just get mad, so I exercise intensely throughout the week, in hope of burning it off, and return to my normal routine. Example - after this "cheat day" I had on Saturday, I was so "stoked" about getting off owrk just so I could hit them gym. I can tell you that when I ran 2 miles and did cardio and weights for an hour I felt a lot better.

I am scared that eating maybe an extra 2,000 calories over what I normally do ONCE A WEEK will cause me a weight gain of two to five pounds in one day. Is this true, or am I just kidding myself and need to chill out?

You're kidding yourself and need to chill out.  You're probably actually burning off all those extra calories given your exercise routine.  That amount of exercise doesn't phase me at all if it's truly something that you enjoy doing, but as punishment for eating too much it seems extreme to me.

To give you an example, some of the exercise I do is martial arts, when I'm in decent shape and have the time I can spend 3+ hours a day doing those, in addition to my normal energy expenditure I'm burning an extra 1500+ calories.  I also love dancing, a couple times a week I spend 3+ hours dancing in a day, sometimes in addition to the martial arts.  I don't do it to burn calories, I do it because I enjoy it so much that I don't want to stop.  To give my body the energy to do these activities I have to eat 2,000-4,000 calories depending on the exercise level.  There's no guilt for the eating, it's necessary to have enough energy to do what I want to do.

Original Post by smwhipple: I don't do it to burn calories, I do it because I enjoy it so much that I don't want to stop.  To give my body the energy to do these activities I have to eat 2,000-4,000 calories depending on the exercise level.  There's no guilt for the eating, it's necessary to have enough energy to do what I want to do.

I think a lot of us should learn how to do this, how to enjoy the activities because we ENJOY them and not feel "guilty" about a cookie we ate the night before, or a beer we enjoyed with friends, or a burger we allowed ourselves to have. Eating to live seem to be key here, getting the fuel you need no matter the calories to be able to enjoy the things you do. Rock on, smwhipple, rock on indeed!!