Weight Loss
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how does one stop craving attention?


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I've lost 80lbs feel extremly good about myself, and I think I'm going nuts because I am now behaving childishly, seem starved for attention, talk non-stop about how much weight I've lost, flirt with cute random strangers at bars (even tho I'm married and have no intention on "taking them home")

Last year I would've never done this stuff! (admittedly last year I was 80lbs heavier!) I need advice on how to calm down my life! I go out to the bar every other weds and every friday, and I know it's too much!

So my question is: How do I stop craving all the attention?

16 Replies (last)

It'll wear off eventually...  It's understandable to be excited initially but you'll soon get used to the way you look. 

I say relish this time in your life, you only live once.  You feel fabulous about yourself and you want others to notice too there is no harm in that.   If it is not causing a problem in your life, your marriage, your job, with friends etc then it's not a problem.  You should consider cutting back on the bar a bit though because all those drinks might counter your success. 

Sounds like your marriage is in trouble if you keep going to these bars.  It has nothing to do with your health.  You need to be on a people meeting people secretly, website and not here.

...   8o pounds!!, if true,  was like carrying a 10 year old child around with you everywhere.  Get a medical check up and then see a marriage counselor.  lol

 

 

hahaha embrace it!!!

In college we call this "new hotness" which we find in GUYS all the time. They used to be awkward in high school. And now theyre built and ready to mingle.

which in the end equals very cocky guys.

But for you, CONGRATS on your 80 pounds, keep it up and you deserve all the attention!

Honey, you have every reason to want your moment in the spotlight.  I'm sure once the newness wears off, it will calm down.

Will I get over the attention starved behavior before or after a divorce? I don't want to be a single mom, again!

My friends are all getting pissed at me because of my behavior at the bars. It just feels great to have guys fawn over me, and my husband did that when I was 80lbs heavier so it's not as special when he does it. (that and I've been with him for 5.5 years)

Everyone tells me I should start being a grown up again. Stop going to the bars and stuff. (yea even my friends who go with me to the bar say that)

I still don't believe I'm pretty, I feel so ugly sometimes... but it feels good to have all the guys following you around, even tho they are like dogs and just want to "take you home" maybe that's all they really are doing, is trying to get a piece of something that seems easy. I guess I'm partially unsure (and scared) of what exactly the guys want from me.

"Jellybean01"

geez you should be called

NowAHotChick101

lol

Yup lose 80 pounds and have the guys drooling all over you...

and yet you "do not believe your pretty" and "you feel so ugly sometimes."

makes me wonder, "are these ugly guys in the bar ugly too!!"

 

 

 

 

 

As a woman it is very flattering when men are flirting and showing attention.  But you can't base your self-worth on the approval of fawning strangers.  That would be rather shallow, not to say disloyal to your husband who it would appear loves you, fat or thin.  That's genuine affection...

'Feeling ugly' or 'feeling fat' is often a euphemism for 'lacking in confidence' rather than an accurate reflection of how we look.  

If you really don't want to risk divorce, maybe it would make sense to take your husband with you when you go out for the evening in future... spend more time socialising together as a couple?   And do find other things you can do that will boost your confidence without you having to play the 'good time girl'.  Activites that increase your self-respect and the respect of your friends and family.  You're obviously capable of amazing things if you can knuckle down and lose 80lbs.  How about taking the determination and focus that helped you do that and applying it to something really challenging?

Best of luck

Okay, so maybe I'm going to sound overly paranoid but keep in mind I am a psychology student (a mature one, lol) so I tend to think in terms of mental health.

It sort of sounds like its possible you might be what is called "hypomanic" and it is a mood state that is associated with being bipolar.  Now, when people hear "bipolar" they tend to automatically think of extreme versions of manic depression but actually there are milder versions.  Weight loss, dieting, new jobs, sleep issues can all trigger episodes of "hypomania" or even the more extreme version called "mania" and indeed people do some reckless things they later regret in these states... Dieting and weightloss can sometimes trigger latent mood swings... I know someone who became hypomanic/manic after taking an antidepressant for a phobia and she lost 35 lbs because she was so busy shopping she "forgot" to eat, or sleep, then the attention from the weight loss caused her mood to get higher and higher and before long she was having reckless flings with people and I recall she talked a mile a minute...she just thought she was feeling so good from the anxiety relief and weight loss but then she crashed into a severe depression and was diagnosed with bipolar II.

Anyway, maybe it is just "normal" elation but I get a sense from you that you do feel your behavior is not quite in your control?

Maybe read up a bit on the different versions of bipolar and see if anything rings true...

http://www.mcmanweb.com/bipolarfaq1.html

Congrats on losing all that weight...

 

i think funwow made some good points.

If you feel a little guilty then you are pushing it, maybe make a point of telling guys you are married so they are aware your flirting won't lead anywhere. I don't know why this hasn't been said but go out to bars with your man! Get dressed really cute and let him show you off, it may give him a boost and you can take each other home afterwards.

girls night out can be about going to the spa, having a nice meal, and hitting the town for cocktails without being about getting smashed and making your friends uncomfortable with the kind of attention you are attracting. Try to imagine how you would feel worrying about a friend flirting with a guy you don't trust and you have to drop her off at her husbands door later. ugh. Awkward!

by the way, I should tell you that almost all people are sometimes guilty of this kind of thing, please don't be that hard on yourself. just try to make yourself proud of how you carry yourself and everyone around you will admire your true beauty and love the new you!

First, congratulations on losing 80 lbs.! I hope I can match your success at the very least.

Second, funwow does have some good points. Even if you're not bi-polar, it still couldn't hurt to consult with a mental-health specialist. Nevertheless, since I'm not one of those (my background is in history and sociology), let me treat it as simple elation:

Look around at the people in your life--family, friends, co-workers--and see if any of them are working on a goal. Become a cheerleader for them. Compliment them when they dress up. Applaud them when they have a success. Support them when they feel down. Help them if they're having some trouble.

Part of the satisfaction of life comes from having a network of people who mutually support each other. (That's why we're here on this board, right? Laughing) These networks don't form themselves; we have to actively engage other people. When you become a cheerleader for others, you'll start seeing them pay you back in your own coin.

Firstly, congratulations on the weight loss, that's an amazing achievement!  I don't think I said it before in my previous post.

Will I get over the attention starved behavior before or after a divorce? I don't want to be a single mom, again!

Whether that happens is up to you.  If your behavior is out of line hubby may not appreciate it so much.  A little flirting is fun and harmless but there is a line that is easy to cross but not always easy to see when you are in the moment.

My friends are all getting pissed at me because of my behavior at the bars.

If your friends are getting pissed at you/see something wrong with your behavior at the bars then you may just be crossing that line and maybe you should tone it down a bit.

It just feels great to have guys fawn over me, and my husband did that when I was 80lbs heavier so it's not as special when he does it. (that and I've been with him for 5.5 years)

Having new people find you attractive is always flattering and even a little thrilling.  Hubby's attraction for you should be cherished though... He's seen you at your worst and still has the hots for you, the guys at the bar are probably getting to see you dressed to the nines and all done up not the bed-head, blemished, haven't brushed my teeth yet version of you and hubby probably still finds you attractive without all that get-up so you should appreciate that... It's much more special when he does it although you might not realize it right now.

Everyone tells me I should start being a grown up again. Stop going to the bars and stuff. (yea even my friends who go with me to the bar say that)

In my first post I told you to enjoy it as long as it isn't causing a problem with your spouse, life, friends etc., well...

I still don't believe I'm pretty, I feel so ugly sometimes... but it feels good to have all the guys following you around, even tho they are like dogs and just want to "take you home" maybe that's all they really are doing, is trying to get a piece of something that seems easy. I guess I'm partially unsure (and scared) of what exactly the guys want from me.

Sounds like a self-esteem issue to me.  Sure you feel better about yourself when you are told that but the feeling will continue to be fleeting until YOU BELIEVE you are beautiful.  All the flirtation, compliments and bedroom stares from men won't do a damn thing in the long run to make a lasting change in your self image.  It might pick you up for a while but you'll be back where you are now, looking for attention from men to give you a self-esteem boost.  You need to learn how to do that for yourself or problems with hubby are sure to follow.

Original Post by funwow:

Okay, so maybe I'm going to sound overly paranoid but keep in mind I am a psychology student (a mature one, lol) so I tend to think in terms of mental health.

It sort of sounds like its possible you might be what is called "hypomanic" and it is a mood state that is associated with being bipolar.  Now, when people hear "bipolar" they tend to automatically think of extreme versions of manic depression but actually there are milder versions.  Weight loss, dieting, new jobs, sleep issues can all trigger episodes of "hypomania" or even the more extreme version called "mania" and indeed people do some reckless things they later regret in these states... Dieting and weightloss can sometimes trigger latent mood swings... I know someone who became hypomanic/manic after taking an antidepressant for a phobia and she lost 35 lbs because she was so busy shopping she "forgot" to eat, or sleep, then the attention from the weight loss caused her mood to get higher and higher and before long she was having reckless flings with people and I recall she talked a mile a minute...she just thought she was feeling so good from the anxiety relief and weight loss but then she crashed into a severe depression and was diagnosed with bipolar II.

Anyway, maybe it is just "normal" elation but I get a sense from you that you do feel your behavior is not quite in your control?

Maybe read up a bit on the different versions of bipolar and see if anything rings true...

http://www.mcmanweb.com/bipolarfaq1.html

Congrats on losing all that weight...

 

I really tend to agree with this.  This type of behavior is simply NOT innate in everyone.  Congrats on your weight loss though.

I don't know maybe Im just a different kind of girl-----But I felt really good when I lost 40 pounds but I dont think i would ever ever flirt with anyone (even for fun) if I had a mate---or husband, This fun eventually leads to worse-But If you can handle it then thats your control

my husband has been in texas since last march. I've seen him here and there, but not enough. I think about what I was like when I was heavy, and I was just a homebody with no friends. When i got married I asked my brothers best friends girlfriend to be my maid of honor. but me and her became best friends after the wedding and she was the one who really helped me out with exercising. (I'm the one who called her and asked her to work out with me.)

I know I'm going over board with my flirting, I'm not doing anything with the people I am flirting with. My ex sister in law is my ex sister in law for behaving like I have been behaving, except she got herself a boyfriend, but i guess me and her were/are in similar situations, my brother was never home worked all the time, and she just went overboard with the flirting. I don't want to be like that, my husband doesnt deserve that, and I don't want to do that to him, because i realize that he loves me unconditionally.

Im going to have to look into the bipolar thing and talk about it with my therapist, but unfortunatly thats all she is, she can't prescribe me any meds for the bipolar problem. (idk if i want any meds, lol, they will make me gain weight!)

I know this flirty behavior is not innate in everyone! thats why I'm so concerned about it!

I love to help people out with their problems, I was always looking for a problem and helping out with either advice or other to help out or encourage them, but my advice or help ended up pissing people off or just not helping at all with the problem, and getting me accused of purposely trying to ruin things. So, I no longer help people out with their problems, lol.

 

I am in the same boat. About 5 yrs ago I lost 125 pounds. I didn't know how to exist in my own skin.  I was scared to death.  Had I not had gastric bypass I would have sabotaged myself long before I ever got there. 

Soon I was recieving the attention I had secretly always dreamed of, though I would not admit it to anyone, much less myself. I told myself I was rewarding my husband  for loving me in spite of it all.  He now had a "hot wife" as one of his friends put it- it ultimately only served to complicate his life.

I began engaging in all kinds of attention seeking behavoir.  I didn't know who I was on the inside or out. I was "learning" myself through the eyes and reactions of others. I used others as a mirror. Not a safe route to go!

After a lot of reading, self reflection and tears, I see that the food I indulged in to medicate myself was no different then the flirtations and ultimate indiscretions of the thinner me.  The root was never feeling loved, never feeling worthy of love, coupled with the incredible daily anxiety of living with those feelings.

Indulging, whether with food or sex, never satisified for long and  only increased my self loathing. Which in turn increased my root feelings of worthlessness. A viscous cycle by anyones standards.

I continue to struggle with this, and may until my dying day, but it helps to be able to recognize what the motivation is.  Why do I feel a need to do this? What part of me is unsure, hurt, or afraid?  Am I giving someone else the power to decide how I feel about myself? Is there another activity that can help me feel better about myself tomorrow instead of worse?  For me this usually involves getting outside of myself and serving others.

  I am weak.  I need help. Through all of this I've learned to rely on God. I tell myself He loves me, even when it seems impossible. But it gives me courage to try to be loving to myself. After all for me it truly is the best medicine. Its not perfect but it is getting better.

As I am getting ready to post this I see I am responding to something not written yearsterday, but a yr. ago, yesterday.  I've gone through the trouble to write it so I will post it and who knows it may help someone.  In reflection, it did. I didn't go to the grocery store or the bar! :)

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