Weight Loss
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too much pressure?


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I am having a hard time already (only doing cc one week so far this time) Last time, when i lost 40 lbs, I did it with a friend here in town, and it was good, till when i just about quit.. She adds a LOT of pressure on me, texting me in the morning to see if i lost, and see if i exercised, and what not, which would all seem good if she hadn't already told me "I'm so glad you're back on your diet, i can't do it without you" ugh... I dont' like someone counting on me like that because I feel like she's just waiting for me to fail i guess...

I don't want her for a diet buddy this time.. She always has a way of justifying any bad eating i do and what not.. Is there anyway to tell her to BACK OFF? or that i don't want to be accoutable to her?

help?

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She sounds like an awesome friend actually. Perhaps, you should give out her email address here on Calorie Count.   That way someone else can lean on her for support rather than push her off. Someone that will give back as much support as received. I think your problem is that you don't want to be accountable period. Not that you don't want to be accountable to her. Or that she puts 'lots ' of pressure on you. Your problem is with you right now. As you said you lost 40lbs with her help last round. So she obviously helped you regardless of your lack of regard or appreciation. Perhaps, you're the one that needs to back off. It's never troublesome to be direct with others. It's fairly simply to tell someone you aren't interested in a kind manner." I'm not interested in losing weight right now. " Or " I'm trying a new thing on my own. " or " Nah. No thanks. It's not for me. " ect.  Rather, than acting as if she has the problem for wanting to help. Sheesh. What kind of friend is she?! Really, back off! Goooosh. GR. I can't believe she believes in seeking support from friends?! wtf, mate

Maybe you're the one waiting for you to fail. It's wrong to attempt to humiliate your friends.There's nothing wrong with your friend waiting to help you. Instead perhaps you should shift the blame over to you. Be accountable for the fact you have a supportive friend that wants to help that you... and you want to shove her off. There shouldn't be any reason for you to make this into a her thing. Make it into a you thing. You don't want her help or support. You don't want to do it together. Be accountable.

Even if it's only to say the reason I don't want to do it with you is all me.  " I'd rather not. I'm going to do this alone. " There's no need to insult your friend. Or call her out for being supportive. Or motivating.
#2  
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Sometimes a diet budy might be a bad idea, it all depends on the person. But it doesn't sound like she ment you any harm or even wanted you to fail. She sounds like she did help you lose 40 pounds, she sounds like a very determined lady and was probably hoping to make you enthustastic about dieting with her but I'm guessing you didn't appriciate her type of enthusasim over dieting.

Be honest with her, tell her you perfer to do this without her...any lie or excuse you make up will make you feel bad. Tell her the truth, if shes understanding then good, hopefully she can find someone with her own level of motivation and enthusasim to getting healthy.

But in the end it's your diet, its your life, do you the way you feel most comfortable. But try to appriciate her a little bit more, she is a friend isnt she? =)

Gewd luckies! ^_^
A better question is " Are you her friend? " She's obviously yours.
I agree the above posts. I don't think she is trying to see you fail at all! Part of being a friend is to be there for someone and help them. I see it as she is going to be there 110% for you, and hopes the same for you. I would keep a positive attitude about it because if she wanted to see you fail, she'd continuously tell you that you cannot do it, or that she does not believe in you.

I'm with you kiddiegirl. I found having a dieting buddy was actually detrimental to my weight loss - personally, I wouldn't do it again. Like one other poster said above, be honest. I would just let her know I wasn't interested in being accountable to anyone other than myself, which is true. It's your diet, and it's not her business if you don't want it to be.

I know I would hate the extra pressure (I am plenty hard on myself), and it's just in my personality to completely rebel against what other people want me to do.

Kiddiegirl, just tell her what you told us, sugar coat if you must. And good luck on your solo weight loss!   ;)

#6  
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Hrm. Appreciate the thoughts... sort of.. but well, thoughts on my end obviously wern't conveyd the right way. Forget i mentioned it. I'm going it alone.

Never mind. I'm going it alone, without anyone ... it was fun for the week that it lasted here.

Thanks anyways But not feeling like i "fit in" or what not here.

EnchantingImage- I hope you enjoyed making me feel like complete crap. Was it worth it?

#7  
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justvikiv- thank you for understanding. It means a lot that someone else understands... thank you.
Well kiddiegirl...I hope I'm not too late.  Unfortunately this website can be like any other where you will get rude responses sometimes.  On the brightside, the majority of us are pleasant people and will be very supportive.  I hope you stick around :D
I really hope you didn't think my post was rude. I was just trying to insightful and trying to help you out. If you portrayed it as rude in anyway, I sincerely apologize because that was the last thing I wanted.

lilyquistj- thanks :) I think i'm jsut gonna go elsewhere... sorry.. but thanks for the support.

 

niktastic- no your post was fine... I see where you can see as she is 110% there for me.. but that's not the reality of it.. i guess my original post didn't convey what i was trying to say...

I really hope you don't go anywhere else. This place is really awesome and is full of supportive people. I haven't found anywhere else that had such amazing people and I have looked around to. No matter where you go, there is always going to be people who disagree with you. Sometimes this is taken as being harsh or mean, but I don't think people mean it to be. I really hope you consider staying, because trust me, people are awesome here. Laughing
It's obvious that everything that happens gets twisted against someone else in your mind. It's everyone elses fault you don't fit in here. It's everyone elses fault it's not lasting here. Too bad it only lasted a week it was fun? It's someone elses fault you feel like crap? Advice can be taken as negatively or postively as one likes. A positive person takes things as such. A negative person chooses to take things in a negative way. Otherwise, they'd constuctively do something productive for themselves. Tell your friend directly in a nice manner. It doesn't have to be made into something terrible on her part. She had no ill intent towards you. This isn't a problem with your friend. This isn't a problem with me. Or anyone else on this board. This is a problem you have because you don't want to be accountable for your own actions. Or lack thereof..Or be accountable as to why you don't want your friends support.  Nobody here should be apologizing to you. You asked for advice and you were given it directly. If you're upset because nobody agrees that your friend is at fault that's sad. You need to take into account that she's acting on behalf as your friend. She's done nothing but help you in the past with dieting. If you don't want her support that's fine. That's your choice. However, there is no reason to shove her off. Or act as if she has an issue. Be accountable to your friend. Tell her that she was great help last time around, but it's not for you. You're trying something new ect. There is no reason to insult your friend. Or make it appear to be their fault. Or as if she want you to fail. Or wants to pressure you into failing. That's ridiculous. If you feel badly figure out why and learn from it.

 Be accountable for yourself.

 Be accountable to your friend by telling them you don't want their help in a nice manner. ( NOT because of THEM because of YOU. )

Another great thing is for people to be forward with their advice and agreement. In general and on this thread. There is no reason to agree with me on this board. To use my term and suggestion than send me an email. It's a juvenile tactic as well as dishonorable form. Do not agree with me here than send me emails that contradict yourself.

I can kind of see where enchanting image is coming from.  After all, they say that no one can put you down without your permission.

 However, I know it would be tough for me to have someone so involved to answer to on my diet.  Not only would I feel bad if I didn't lose weight, but then I'd have to deal with her disappointment as well.  Additionally, once the pressure was off, it would be way too easy to gain the weight back without her looking over your shoulder.  It's best to cultivate more self-reliance concerning your new healthy lifestyle.

Sarah, I couldn't agree more. It could be relayed to her friend just as you stated clearly and nicely. Yet straight to the core....

" It's nice that you want to help me. I appreciate all the help in the past. ect... However, it's tough for me to have someone so involved to answer to on my diet.  Not only do I feel bad if I don't lose weight, but then I'd have to deal with your disappointment as well.  Additionally,( even if things go well ), it would be way too easy to gain the weight back without you looking over my shoulder.  I need to be accountable to me for me. "

That way you're being accountable for yourself. As well as accountable to your friend. Without making it an issue with them. Or about them. It's about you. What you feel more confortable doing. Or not doing. Ect. It doesn't have to be an insult to your friend. There's nothing troublesome in honesty.
I have to say i agree with the other posters. It seems shes helped you alot last time. The least you could do is kindly tell her that while she was an amazing help last time this time you're going to try something different. That way she does't get hurt and neither do you. You really don't have to make it about her being over-enthusiastic. You'll find people here will react quite negatively to posts such as this as the forum has entire posts that look for dieting-buddys. The fact that it's not for you is simply that and that's fair enough.
Original Post by kiddiegirl:

lilyquistj- thanks :) I think i'm jsut gonna go elsewhere... sorry.. but thanks for the support.

 

niktastic- no your post was fine... I see where you can see as she is 110% there for me.. but that's not the reality of it.. i guess my original post didn't convey what i was trying to say...

 If your original post didn't convey things correctly why don't you correct it? As it stands you sound like you don't want to be accountable to anything, and are too sensitive to words of advice. You can go elsewhere, but I am sure if you bring these kinds of things up, you will only get the same response. I was surprised to see you felt like crap after enchangtingimage's responses. You should try some introspection, like suggested. Losing weight is hard, especially on your own. If you could do it alone you would have by now. 

So, I agree that we would all like to get to know your friend. If you're leaving you could send her our way. We love to be pushed, or we might never get things done ;) 

a little tact goes a long way.

enchantingimage said: "Tell your friend directly in a nice manner."

you might want to take your own advice.

other people disagreed and gave their points of view without being insulting.

Hi kiddiegirl - I can relate because I'm the same way sort of. I tried to do weight watchers with some friends and it back fired. It was a lot of pressure having everyone ask me each week. If that was someone doing it to me every day, texting in the morning asking me what my weight is... well I personally wouldn't do well with that.

I think you can be completely honest and direct while also being nice, and polite to your friend. Just say something like this but use the words that fit YOU and how you feel. After all this is about you and how you're feeling... 

"I want you to know that I really do appreciate your effort to help me. I am finding that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. It's important to me to lose weight and I think I will be more successful doing it on my own. Sometimes I get stressed when you are checking up on me all the time. I know you mean well. It's just not working for me though. I really appreciate your friendship and that you're trying to help me. This is something that I need to do for myself."

Maybe you can suggest some kind of celebration that you do together, as friends, in say 3 months or 6 months, as a goal reward Like you go shopping together for new outfits or something like that.

Good luck :)

Amy

In my opinion, a little bit of tact and understanding would go a long way on this particular thread. Some of the posts are completely across the board, even by the same posters...a bit supportive and then downright accusatory...kiddiegirl is not the person who has said unkind things to you, so there's no reason to take your aggression out on her.

It appears to me that kiddiegirl is looking for a bit of advice and support on how to deal with a friend who is just too much when it comes to losing weight without alienating the friend or making the friend feel bad.  This is one of the things that true friends do, attempt to communicate clearly without just blurting out unkind statements. Even if they're true, there's often a better/nicer/gentler way to communicate without alienating the friend. 

Something more along the lines of...

The last time you helped me I was really able to take the weight off because of your help and support, but I wasn't able to keep it off because I didn't do it myself.  This time, I want to try doing it on my own by being responsible to myself and no one else.  While I appreciate your concern and all of the help that you've given me in the past I need to find my own method to do this.  I hope that if I have questions or find that I need your help that you'll still be willing to help me when I ask for help.

might work. 

 

People tend to miss use forums for personal gain. They find themselves building a relationship with the forum and deviating from the purpose, HEALTH. They form another personality. One of these personalities is a forceful, godlike personality. This forms due to the nonexistent face-to-face interaction. There are no repercussions to their actions which allows them to be more aggressive and hurtful. This explains my "nice person theory." They say that they are nice and humble in their profile and totally contradicts this image in their posts. It is similar to an addict who won't admit they have a problem; they view themselves as they they were before they used. A difference in opinions and/or a cocky alternate personality can easily turn into a bad situation quickly. I like to use this example to get my point across. Think of your posts as a conversation between strangers at the gym. Would you say the same things to them?

Another helpful exercise that is used by my gf with her 1st graders. When a child misbehaves, the first thing she says to them is "Are you preventing someone else from learning?" So, are your posts preventing someone from getting support and healthy information? When proving your opinion gets in the way of helping another member, you have crossed the line and are no longer a supportive asset to others, rather disruptive.

In my opinion, which is the only thing that forums are made of - opinions, being healthy is more than a physical battle. Mental health is just as important. I personally came to this site to count calories and I started reading and posting in forums to help and be helped. If you want to bash people then you are on the wrong site. Like another person said, debating is fine but being verbally abusive on a supportive forum is frowned upon by many.

Kiddiegirl, don't leave. I have met several people on this website that have had a positive influence on my health and mental state. I work out alone however, knowing and seeing my struggles with others can be a very supportive tool. I know that I'm not alone. I agree that a weightless buddy is, most of the time, a bad idea. You are the only one that knows your body. You know your limits and you need to set your own goals. Others making you feel guilty for slacking is not right. I just read a post where someone confessed to cheating on their diet. Several people posted supportive messages that basically said "There's nothing you can do about it now, don't worry, just try to do better tomorrow." This is the right kind of support.

You will find so many great supportive people here. I would be more than willing to help you or at least steer you in the right direction.

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