Unsupportive friends and family?
Okay, i have a feeling that i'm not the only one going through this, so i figured i'd start a post about it. My friends and family are NOT helping me out right now. First of all, i'd like to point out that neither are being purposely hurtful. Secondly, i know i shouldn't be reacting in this way, but some of the things they say make me so discouraged. For example, after telling two of my closest friends that i was going to try to get this weight off, my best friend blew me off, and my other friend didn't see the point. Best friend after i told her: "ummm okay?? hey can we talk some other time? i have to go." She lives halfway across the country and she's really busy, so i don't really blame her, but the thing is, she hasn't called me back since. Other good friend: "Why?! oh my gosh you don't need to loose weight you're not fat at all!" To other people, this would be the response they were looking for. Not Me. I wasn't searching for a compliment, i wanted support. Ive decided not to tell anyone else. As for my family, they're really trying to help...i think. Whenever i eat something that isnt exactly "healthy" in front of my dad he says "i thought you were on a diet? that's not going to help. how many calories are in that?" As if i don't feel bad about it as it is! Obviously he isn't trying to be mean, but it makes me feel like a failure. Anyway, sorry for my rant! It's just making me so frustrated.
Anyone else have unsupportive friends/ family members? Here's your chance to let it all out!
I feel ya girl! I've been trying to lose weight my entire life, it seems, and I still haven't found the support I need. My friends have always been thinner than me so they don't quite understand what I'm dealing with. (I'm 5'4", 180 lbs., and my goal is 135, by the way.) My younger brother is always on a diet and is rail thin so he makes mean comments when he watches me eat. My parents STILL try to screw with my diet by offering me tons of junk food (holidays are the WORST), and my husband, God bless him, loves to go out to eat. We've had Sonic icecream twice this week!
Try not to get discouraged! Most of the time, I just try to ignore them.
I have had some supportive relatives, but my wife has reacted to my decision to diet and exercise regularly with less than enthusiasm. A few relatives have been sarcastic, but not most. Three things, I think, stand out:
- When we lose weight (make a decision to engage in healthy living and eating), we sometimes make others, often the people we love most, feel uncomfortable, since they know they should be doing the same thing. I mean, for example, do parents who smoke really want their children to take up smoking?
- Some people really think dieting and losing weight is bad, such as someone they know begins to look "thinner," so they try to talk the dieter into not following through with having a healthy weight loss.
- Some people are just plain envious and have such low self-restraint that they will try to sabotage out of pure jealousy anything we try to do to become healthier.
Being really honest with you.... there is nothing worse than a 'diet bore'. Nothing is more dreary than someone else's trials and tribulations to lose weight. It's like when someone gives up smoking.... oh dear.... they tend to go on, and on, and ON about it ad nauseam. "It's been X many days since I had one", "I really craved a cigarette on Saturday".. "I'd love a cigarette right now ... talk me out of it". And whilst everyone wishes them well it would be much better all round if they'd just get on with it.
I'm someone that absolutely needs to watch my weight and am very happy to help anyone that asks but I LOATHE it if I go out to dinner and a friend sits gazing at the menu whining about how they'd "love the dessert/chips/guacamole dip/whatever but I c-a-n-'-t because I'm on a d-i-e-t... so I'm going to have to have the salad... I'm such a heifer... boo-hoo-hoo!" (Oh for goodness' sake)
My opinion is that you should do what you need to do to lose weight and keep the details to yourself. Don't tell people you're 'on a diet' unless you want opinions on how best to go about it ... "are you really going to eat that?"... "my friend lost weight eating nothing but tomato ketchup for a month".... or if you're going to get upset that they're just not interested.
If you really want support, be very specific what that support looks like and don't ask too much of other people. If 'support' would mean that your family agrees not to send out for pizzas on Saturday nights for a while... that's specific. Ask for that. Otherwise, that's why communities like CC are useful.
I hear you, girl, but I think GI Jane has a point in that you should tell your family what kinds of specific support you want.
1. Please don't criticize my eating choices.
2. Please don't pressure me into eating junk food.
3. Etc.
It would be really helpful, since it sounds like they're trying to help in their way but are unsure of how to go about it. Good luck!
This was my problem for almost 5 years. I developed a huge problem with binge eating after a severe calorie restriction and weight loss when I was 18. As hard as I tried to overcome it, there was always a voice in the back of my head telling me, "Why bother? You can't do it." I projected these negative thoughts onto people around me, and was under the misapprehension that they weren't "supporting" me. I'd go on binge sprees, and insist that I was a victim, and that it was because no one was "supporting" me.
But I realized that the desire to overcome issues with weight is something only YOU can do. No one is putting a gun to your head and making you choose high calorie foods. Why do you need your friend to phone you back to talk about this? It sounds to me as though you've made your choice. You don't need others to validate it. Just focus on yourself. As previous posters have said, be specific about what kind of support you want. It's sort of a vague term. I don't want to sound critical, but it seems as though you're expecting everyone around you to drop everything and admire you for making this decision. It's okay. I'm trying to get out of that way of thinking, myself. Just don't worry about the opinions of others. Only you know what's best for you.
Is your family buying healthier foods for you to enjoy? That's a step in the right direction. Maybe encourage them to keep junk food hidden in their room for themselves if you're worried about temptation. I will say that my mother's choices to get into shape with me and to watch what she eats are keeping me on track. Previously, I always felt that my desire to be healthy was a sort of rebellion against her, since she was content to stuff her face with chips and refined everything. Sort of an "I'll show you" mentality. And that anger (in addition to piles of junk food) always threw me off the wagon. Is there anyone at home who'd be willing to do this with you?
Good luck. :)
My mother still sees me as the garbage disposal who ate anything (even though I never did), and now can't seem to understand why I get mad at her when she says things like 'oh, can't you just eat it?' so she won't have to throw food away.
This, despite being the one trying to encourage me to lose weight in the first place - well, when she remembers to try and encourage me and say good things about how you can 'really tell I've lost weight'.
Basically, she's just supportive when it fits her, but when it's inconvenient to her (such as with the food) then she "forgets" about it.
It really irks me, because I still haven't developed a strong enough will to say no to foods I shouldn't eat and while it's gone good so far, I don't want to be tempted unnecessarily.
As for telling people - the only one in my life right now how truly needs to know about my wanting to lose weight is my mother, because she's the one buying the food/cooking it. I don't want support from others in my RL, simply because that support would only push me in the wrong direction (not to mention how lousy I'd feel about my friends if I felt that it was false support). If I have a bad day, I don't want to be reminded of it by having people ask me if I've worked out that day - nor do I need someone to go 'oh, are you going to eat *that*' or just looking at me if I'm ravenous and I eat "too much" (meaning, more than usual). If they think it, that's one thing, I can't help that - but I don't want to hear it.
Being held accountable works for a lot of people - it does for me too, in a way. But I like holding myself accountable. That's enough for me right now.
Now, when people start noticing and commenting/asking about it, then I'll for sure tell them all about my new healthy lifestyle -- probably more than they want to know.
But that's just me - the idea of telling your family/friends about what type of support you want is a good idea.
doctor told both me and my mother directly that i need to watch my sugar and some other things. my mother suddenly changed from her "EAT HEALTHY!!!" attitude that i've known for the past 18 years to "lets go out for cheesecake. how about some chocolate cake" within a day. I have no idea why shes being so unsupportive, maybe its some reverse psychology method i dont know.
Just wanted to say, unsupportive family/friends is common i guess
Honestly, I find that the only downside to people noticing that I've lost weight, is that some of them then ask how I did it, tell me stories of how they or their friend/sister/nephew/mother lost weight, and some even try to "help" me by watching what I eat. This is why I don't tell people I'm trying to lose weight.
Example: One friend I hadn't seen in awhile noticed that I had lost weight when I saw him at a small party. Later, when I was cutting myself a piece of cake, he said, "You shouldn't be having that after all the weight you've lost!" *eyeroll* Thanks for your concern, but I've been eating cake this whole time.
All I can say is thank god for CC because it saves me from being tempted to seek weight loss support from people in my real life.
Original Post by sk33ny:
doctor told both me and my mother directly that i need to watch my sugar and some other things. my mother suddenly changed from her "EAT HEALTHY!!!" attitude that i've known for the past 18 years to "lets go out for cheesecake. how about some chocolate cake" within a day. I have no idea why shes being so unsupportive, maybe its some reverse psychology method i dont know.
Just wanted to say, unsupportive family/friends is common i guess
This is ALWAYS how it goes, as far as I've seen. Unless your parents are saints. My parents can say something like "Wow we're so impressed that you've lost weight now finish what's on your plate, eat the rest of this and that and all of this." without even batting an eye.
I wonder why parents do that - I mean, it's one thing if it's one of those former miss (insert whatever) mothers, who tries to get her daughter to lose weight so she too can become a miss (whatever), while at the same time sabotaging her daughters efforts, just because she's jealous and worried her daughter will do much better.
But these are regular people. My mom is proud of herself when she loses weight, but it's like she doesn't think I can do it.
Not too long ago, I had a real craving for chips. I asked her if she could buy me a small bag, just to get the craving off you know? She then proceeded to tell me all about how bad it is to eat chips (as if I didn't know that myself already) and basically trying to guilt me into not wanting any. But I had a craving, so it didn't work - I didn't eat any though, but that's another story.
Then, the other day, what does she do? She came home, with a LARGE bag of the same chips I'd asked her to get for me the week before, and this one all for herself.
I don't know. Parents are people too I guess, but it's like they can't seem to understand what they're doing.
Or maybe that's just mine.
I've chosen to make my support system consist of people who are in the same boat I'm in, trying to lose a large amount of weight. My mom's been very supportive and encouraging, but I don't live at home and that might be part of it. I make my own choices when grocery shopping, exercising, etc., and she's just there to chat with every week or so about my progress (along with her own progress!). One of my best friends has already taken off around 70 lbs, and he's been very supportive. He'll occassionally give me some advice, but only when I ask for it, and never gets offended if I flatout say "Dude, no. Just no."
My problem comes with the rest of my friends and the people I live with. When I first started dieting and exercising, I was on the phone with my best gal friend and told her I had been working out because I wanted to lose some weight. We always bounce stuff off each other, and I know she was trying to be supportive, but I hated her response. "What?? You don't need to lose weight! You're perfect just as you are!!" So I'm perfect being (at the time) 80 lbs overweight? You don't want to see me better myself? This is the kind of thing you say to your already skinny friend who says they want to lose some weight, not your fat friend who's just being honest and decided to make some changes. I'm not stupid. I know I need to lose weight, so I hate when people respond with that "you don't need to" response. Again, I know she meant well, but... a simple response of "OK" would have satisfied me better.
The people I live with have pretty much decided to turn it into a competition... though they're not dieting and only one exercises sometimes. Conversations will generally go like such:
Roommate 1: So, how much did you lose THIS week?
Me: 1 lb.
Roommate 1: Oh yeah, well I lost 2!
Me: *blank stare* uh, OK.
The funny part is, I've dropped from 203 to 176 so far, while the one who isn't dieting, isn't exercising, and constantly says she's lost weight has gone from 177 to... 177 (she occassionally slips up and tells me her weight, and it's always the same). It's just frustrating that my progress is almost like a joke to them. But it doesn't matter, because the end results are worth it. I'll look, feel, and be all around better, while she'll have lost imaginary weight and remain exactly the same. More power to me, huh?
So because of all those reasons, and some of the ones mentioned from other people above, I just stick to people on this site and my small small group of people who understand and actually appreciate that I'm trying to better myself.
