Friend miscarried and now doesn't seem to want to be around me...
About a year ago, a good friend of mine got pregnant and lost the baby at about eleven weeks. I did what I thought was the right thing to do, offering to talk about it and listen to her, being there as a friend. I have to admit, though, that I never really fully understood what she was going through, having never been pregnant, and at the time, never intending to.
Now I'm pregnant. It was a surprise, and like I said, I never meant for it to happen. Me and my husband are thrilled, of course, but we never really wanted to have kids (at least the way that some women really want to). And my friend seems to be distancing herself from me quite a bit. I understand why, having gone through the miscarriage, I'm sure she's resentful that this just fell into my lap when I wasn't even trying.
The hard part is, I still don't think I fully understand how she feels. I can think about how I would feel if that happened to me, but it's all theoretical at this point. The devastation, the loss and betrayal of my body didn't happen to me and so I feel like I just can't relate. And it's creating a huge hole in our friendship. Doesn't anyone have any suggestions of things I can do? Is this something that only time will heal? I need the support of my friends right now so a part of me just wants to let her deal on her own, since she won't really talk to me anyway. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone's been in this situation before.
Reason: Removed Sticky 2008-12-28
I have not had a miscarriage or known anyone who has. I am, however, decent at finding information on the internet and here's what I've come up with:
A forum post on Berkeley Parents Network
A similar post on babycenter.com
I hope some of this will help. I can't begin to imagine how she or you must feel. Good luck.
First of all, congratulations! Of course you want to be considerate of your friend and supportive in her grieving, but I hope you are taking plenty of time to do happy dances and stroll through the baby sections of stores!
I don't have much to add, but I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and your situation. It must be terribly hard, but you are a good friend to be taking your friend's feelings to heart and trying to work through this time for her.
My input:
Two of my friends have had miscarriages; one was a good friend, but we had grown apart by the time she miscarried, and the second was a friend from work...so we aren't terribly close but we spend time together. My first friend was devastated, she always dreamed of having a baby, got married later in life, had lots of health problems during her pregnancy, and then had a horrible miscarriage. I think the only reason she was able to get over it was that she ultimately got pregnant again and now has a beautiful little girl. My coworker already had a daughter when she miscarried...it was strange b/c she lost her baby at the same time when I had just told people at work that I was pregnant. SO, when she lost the baby, people actually tried not to tell me for a few days so that I would not get upset/stressed and complicate MY pregnancy (which I thought was really sweet). But of course, she being my friend, I noticed she was absent and contacted her husband..and found out. She was much more pragmatic about it...she is older, and although she wants another baby, she understood the risks. I talked with her about it as much as she wanted, and although it was strange at first since I was of course still pregnant, she did not resent me, thankfully.
In a different situation, a very close cousin of mine has a 6 year old daughter. She is separated from her husband, and in December of last year he took the daughter and disappeared from the US. It's been a horrible experience for her, and of course she is still trying to find her baby girl....an uphill battle to say the least. Our conversations are always a bit strained because she inquires about my baby, and I feel awkward to share much, or gush over first teeth, sitting up, crawling, etc. because I know she is thinking about her own daughter.
All in all, sorry to say, I don't really have any earthshattering advice for you. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. It is a really hard thing to deal with, and again I think it's great that you are deeply considering your friend's feelings.
My only suggestion is perhaps, if you have not already, have a heart to heart with her and tell her that you miss her. Ask her to be open and feel safe in telling you anything, and if she can't, just express your love for her. That's all you can really do.
Best wishes...
First let me say congratulations.
As an individual who suffered two miscarraiges and had to deal with friends becoming pregnant, all I can say is it takes time. I had a healthy girl and never imagined that I wouldn't be able to have another. My first miscarraige happened at about 11 weeks, the second was at 5 months. I tend to hold things in and try to deal with the pain on my own. When my daughters god mother became pregnant she was afraid to tell me becasue she didn't want to hurt me. I found out through another friend and that hurt worse, but I had to appreciate the thought behind her actions.
I could quote the statistics here, but each individual is different. Enjoy your pregnancy and give your friend the space she needs. If she is a "close" friend I wouldn't cut her out completely.
I did go on to have another child after my second miscarriage and he is a happy healthy 6 year old.
Take care of yourself and your baby first, enjoy this time.
Congrats to you & your baby!
I am speaking as someone who's had a miscarraige...two in fact. They were extremely devastating to me. It was as if I lost a child that had been born. After my second one, I avoided everyone. Especially the moms at my sons school. Mainly because one of them was pregnant and she knew I was. We would talk about how excited we were and bond over our pregnancies. However, after my miscarraige, I wanted to avoid her at all costs. I wasn't bitter towards her and her baby. I just didn't want to face the pain of "Oh, you're still pregnant and I am not.". I didn't want to face that. It was too hard.
I don't know your friend but I am guessing she just might be avoiding you becuase your pregnancy reminds her of the miscarraige. I am sure she is happy for you and will be happy when the baby comes. It just might be too painful to watch your belly swell knowing that she never got that chance with her last pregnancy. Give her some time and when you do hang out with her don't make it all pregnancy talk and baby talk.
Hope that helps!
Congrats!!
I agree with the fact aht it just takes time.. I went thru a miscarriage this past March, and didnt want to be around any one who was pregnant... And I too, Truly did NOT know what it was like, until it happened... My friend had lost a baby at 25 weeks about 8 mths before me... and I didnt understand, I didnt know what to say or do.. But then it happened, and I now know what its like.. And its true, You never will know what its like, unless you yourself have to go thru the devastation and heartbreak of one yourself, which I pray you never will.. I say jus enjoy being pregnant, and she should come around.. I personally, fortunately got pregnant 2 mths after my loss, so I kinda jus hid out for those 2 mths, and am now pregnant again..
I miscarried at 8 weeks, and I had to work with a new mom back from maternity leave, another one just giving birth and going on leave, and my boss pregnant and about to go on leave. It was excrutiatingly painful to be at work. I didn't really tell anybody because I didn't want to discuss it, it was too hard.
They talked about it constantly (still do) with pictures. Please watch what you say. It's very difficult to hear how great the baby is and how much you love it on and on. It just made me want to yell "I loved MY baby and now it's DEAD."
While it is very hard for you to keep quiet because you're so happy, it is probably harder for her to hear it, and keeping mum would be the best thing you could do to help her.
Your friend probably has mixed feelings, being happy for you but resentful at the same time. Seeing you pregnant probably hurts. She just needs time. Be patient, she's doing the best she can and it's nothing personal about you. Try to talk with her about what's going on in her own life that is positive and not about the miscarriage.
This is kind of an old thread, but since someone replied recently, I'll keep going...
I am super aware of what I say around this friend because I don't want to upset her. I'm a Midwestern Scandinavian so the way I deal with intense emotions is by being stoic and quiet. I talked with her about the miscarriage but only when it was clear that she wanted to talk about it. I have never gone on about anything relating to my pregnancy around her and have only talked about it when prompted. In fact, right after I told her I was pregnant she and her husband had us over for dinner to celebrate, so I thought everything would be okay for us.
But, alas, it's been almost my entire pregnancy and she still doesn't seem to want to be friends - maybe it's totally unrelated to my pregnancy, maybe not. I'm starting to feel resentful towards her because I could really use friends right now and she's simply not around. And that makes me feel terrible.
Anyway, patience is key, I guess.
I'm sorry to hear all of that. It's really sad that you both need a friend right now but can't be there for each other because of this situation. Can you tell her that you need a friend right now, that this is a tough time just in general? I don't know if you're talking or if she's not willing to talk at all. You are right though that patience is best, and when the time comes that she is ready if you can forgive her for not being around, you'd be a very big person and a very good friend.
I am having a hard time in a (slightly) similar situation.
My stepmom has been around since I was very young, and has been like a real mom to me. However, she has never had any biological kids of her own (though she has wanted to) and had a miscarriage (around 8 weeks, if I remember correctly) early in life (before meeting my dad). I am not very close to my biological mother.
Since my stepmom has never had a baby before and I know the topic is painful for her (even if she tries to hide it), I really have no "mother figure" to ask about some of the technical details. She shares my happiness and excitement over her coming grandson, but it's mainly in the form of prepping for when he gets here, not really being able to help with any of the actual pregnancy-specific questions.
I know it's not the same pain as having a friend avoid you (since my stepmom is still a daily part of my life), but it feels strange to be having my first baby without a role model to guide me through it.
