What to say to a friend trying to recover from an ED...

...and is going to an appointment tomorrow to decide whether she should go back into a residential or a day program.

This is my best friend from high school (we graduated in 04 so not that long ago) and while we have kept in touch throughout college we have drifted apart considerably in the past 3 years.  She first went into in-patient care in the fall of 06 and has been in and out ever since with plenty of therapy etc. to go with it.  I was studying abroad when she went to IP the first time, which had a huge impact on how much support I could provide.

Now we live about an hour away from eachother and a rarely see her, but when I do we tend to avoid discussing her ED at all...she likes to act as if she does not have an ED and behave as "normally" as possible so we have never really had a deep discussion about it.  She has a lot of friends who she has met through IP, therapy, group, etc so I know she has a lot of support.

Now I have no idea what to say to her about tomorrow.  I won't be seeing her is person, I will probably just send her a short email, just so she knows I'm there for her and that I care, but I have no idea what to say!!..help?!

btw, I know we need to actually talk about this.  It's something we have both been avoiding, but today is not the day for that.

It's wonderful that you care so much about her and want to help. Even if she has met people through support groups it is very important to have support from people who are not experiencing the disorder themselves.

Having gone through ED treatments several times myself and had people truly give me support as well as just say the wrong thing, though they meant well I think I have some pointers for you.

-never mention her weight, how thin she looks, how sick she looks, if she gains, etc.

-tell her things like how proud you are that she is going back for help, and how important she is to you, how much you value her

-avoid playing food police, monitoring what she is eating or reminding her to eat

-let her know that she is not solely her ED, that she has a personality and character that you feel is important, that her ED is smothering

-offer help and support in specific ways like eating meals together, grocery shopping together, being a phone call support buddy, listening when she's overwhelmed

-tell her you know it's a very difficult thing to do but that you believe in her ability to do it

-when around her avoid activities or conversations that center on dieting, weight loss, your own weight worries, negative body image etc.

it's hard supporting someone in recovery because sometimes it can seem like they don't want your help or they can barely admit to being eating disordered. it's very possible to support her without having a deep long discussion about the ED itself. try focusing your talks on what's going on with her, what might be difficult for her, problems that are unrelated to eating but still may influence her ED. AND of course, don't forget to talk about and do all the fun stuff friends normally talk about!

Thank you so much for this advice!  I think a big part of the reason we've grown apart is that I never wanted to do/say the wrong thing.  It is very helpful to have this kind of insight from someone who has been on your side of the relationship.

... I will probably just send her a short email, just so she knows I'm there for her and that I care ...

Then that's all you have to say. :) It will make her feel loved, I'm sure. In saying that you're there for her, let her know she can talk to you. You'll know you're helping, won't be imposing a time and date on her, and when she does talk to you you'll find out more about her and be able to support her even more in the future.

I second that you sound like a great friend.

As someone who also has been ip many times for this all I wanted was to know someone was there and to check in on me. So the email is a very nice idea or even a call or letter. You can't change your friend but possibly if you just tell her that you know she is going through a ruff time and that though you don't lknow what to say you are there to listen and support her. Just be honest.