Friends not being helpful!

I know this has been brought up before... it is so irritating.  I have lost about 10 pounds over the past couple months and still have another 5 or 10 left, but all in all I am pretty content where I'm at.  My friends have been noticing but are not being positive about it.  Mainly two of my best friends.  One is naturally super thin and the other is a little overweight. 

Friend B and I have always tried new diets together but have always failed... until about 6 months ago when I really started working out and making good food choices.  At first I encouraged her to work out with me or eat healthy with me, but she bucked every nice word I sent her way.  She has steadily been gaining while I have steadily been losing.  So after awhile I stopped encouraging her because I think it makes her feel bad when I bring up the topic.  Well lately she has been saying things about my weight, like, "Are those pants looser on you?" "Why are you working out on a Saturday?" "You are getting too skinny."  Now, when my pants get a little looser I want to jump up and down and scream for joy!  But do I?  Not at all to her because I don't want to flaunt it and make her feel bad for gaining weight. 

Friend A and Friend B obviously talk about my new weight loss because they mention the same things to me.  Last night we were out to eat and the naturally thin Friend A got a dessert.  I commented, "I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not get fatter..."  and she went off on me about how I'm not fat and I should stop calling myself fat.  So I said, "When did I EVER say I was fat?  I don't think I'm "fat"... all I said was I wish I could eat anything and not gain weight.  I have to work my BUTT OFF just to stay the same weight, I'm not like you and can eat anything I want and stay the same!"  Ahhhhh!  It made me so mad. 

So basically, Jealous Friend B on my right and Friend A on the left who thinks I'm anorexic???????  I don't know.  Sorry for the rambling I am just frustrated because I actually am feeling really good about myself for once even though I still have a few pounds to go. 

We were just talking this.  It's a wonder why our 'skinny' friends don't want to be part of the solution, and end up being part of the problem.  I know people that get upset with me when I skip "pizza day" at work, or turn down the box of Girl Scout cookies. 

I'm not sure if this is mental, or something else.. but why keep someone down, as opposed to supporting?

Ugh, glad I am not in your position.  That would be rough.  It does sound like friend B is jealous because you actually have motivation and are maintaining a loss, whereas earlier when you both dieted you both failed.  You are really between a rock and hard space and until they both accept the "new and improved" you, it will be hard.  Until then, you have this site and the people on here for support :).  I hope it gets better soon!

<<<hugs>>>>

This is so true. I really hate it when people from my work would bring in those fundraiser packs with all the candy, and gross food and girl scout cookies and stuff. And I dont buy it because I have enough trying to stay away from the chocolate aisle at the super market. If I make a comment about watching what I eat I get dirty looks, eye rolling or smart-@$$ comments.

I can understand how it's frustrating.

Who knew a little thing called weight loss could come between friends like that?

I know your friend A probably means well - by saying that you don't need to lose weight (all of my friends say the same thing) - and just doesn't realize what she is saying when she says it - or what kind of an effect it has on you. She too could be jealous of your healthy eating habits. Remember, that just because you're thin doesn't mean you're healthy.

Friend B is jealous of your accomplishments. It happens.

Feel good about yourself! You have every right to! If you can't "toot your horn" with your friends on how great you're doing - come on here! We'll share in your happiness :)

That's rough, you have my sympathy.  I haven't got any girl-friends, I'm a huge tomboy and all my friends are guys.  They don't support at all but they don't actively sabotage.  If we go out to eat, for example, they won't skip dessert not to tempt me, or go to a healthy restaurant, but they won't give me any grief about getting soup or salad either.

Other than the (very occasional) cautious compliment they just don't mention it.  Poor guys, I think they're terrified of upsetting me.  I don't offend easily and I'm dying laughing inside, even though I appreciate the consideration.

We girls can be pretty snarky sometimes.  I'd just avoid the subject if I were you and they will be embarassed to bring it up.

This makes me feel kind of bad. I know that in some ways, I have been 'that friend' recently to one of my girls that has lost a good chunk of weight in the last six months.

But, in my defense, she was not losing it from modifying her diet or exercising... So even though she looked great, I was really worried about how that weight was coming off. I personally think that the stress from her job was turning into an ED because she was surviving on coffee and picking at food.

I don't mean to be the party pooper, and I don't want her to feel like she cannot be happy about her new look around me - I just want to be sure that she is taking care of herself.

So maybe I am not such a jerk after all.

There is a difference between concern over a developing ED and a lack of support.  It's great that you are looking out for your friend.

When it comes to talking about it though, less is more.  Push her to go to a doctor for a checkup, there's always a dozen excuses to suggest this.  The doctor will recognize any signs of ED.

If you do decide to talk to her about ED, you best make DAMN sure she is doing something unhealthy.  A lot of times when someone loses weight it takes our eyes time to adjust.  I thought my sister was horribly ugly and skinny when she lost a bunch of weight, but my eye adjusted and now I can say truthfully that she looks great.

Your body doesn't put up with much crap from you on your diet.  If she is feeling good, looks healthy, and has plenty of energy then odds are good she is okay and just doing her eating where you can't see it.

I know how you feel, exactly how you feel. I had both friend A and friend B in my early diet time, friend B was my BEST friend at the time. We would pig out on chinese food, chocolate, all the good stuff, y'know? She weighed nearly the same as me, maybe a liiiittle less, but yeah, we were roughly the same size. Last year, near the end of spring I think it was, we decided to go on a diet. We both failed horribly, I think I was about 150 at the time, and at the end of summer I reached my prime weight of 160 lbs, I gained ten pounds over summer, and when I saw that scale... Oh man... I decided to diet diet diet, exercise exercise exercise. She, however, didn't. It has actually gotten to the point where we can't be friends anymore, because she won't accept the "new me". And then we have the friend A, she was very concerned when I first started losing weight because I wouldn't eat any of the things she was eating, so she assumed I just wasn't eating. But eventually friend A accepted the way I was eating, and is now my new best friend, and yeah.. basically what I'm trying to say is I know how you feel, I've been there. I can't say, "It'll all be fine, they'll come around." - because, though it's very possible that they will, it's also possible that they won't, or maybe one will one won't. You never know. Bah, I'm rambling now, take care.

greenpea, I know how you feel.  However, I would like to offer some advice dealing with friend A.  Your comment that you wish you could eat anything you want and not gain weight is a real sore point for a lot of thin people.  It makes them feel like they are to BLAME for your weight problem.  They feel like they have to apologize for the way God made them.  They haven't done anything wrong.  So, I can understand her reaction.  She's just simply saying, Hey, it's not MY fault.

That said, how about just being honest and saying, hey guys, why can't you understand how important this is to me and be glad for my success?  If they don't and they can't, it might be time to start developing some new friendships.

I have a friend who is very unsupportive of me. All of my other friends think it's great i'm adopting healthier habits (because they are healthy and thin) except for one friend. She is severely overweight and everytime I mention something about my weight loss or about how I won't eat a whole tub of icecream with her or go to a buffet or something along those lines, she gets pissed at me and says i'm not fat and don't need to lose weight (oh how wrong she is). In fact, everytime she wants to hang out she centers it on food or going out for lunch/dinner. I'm kind of a doormat and because of her I have gained 10+ pounds.

Anyway, I know how you feel... :( Our friends should support us. But I think that they're just upset over our success.

It's not really a jealousy issue; I think it's a fear issue.

People, amazingly, tend to define themselves in relation to other people around them.

If you change your own definition, it forces them to look at THEIR self definition; if you're doing it positively, then they are presented with the option to grow emotionally. People are not always ready for that. It scares them. They want you back where you were before, so they can go back to just being themselves without thinking about it.

If all the sudden you're 'the skinny one,' or you become 'the attractive one,' or you become anything other than what you were before, you change the group dynamics. It's unsettling for them, but realize that you may discard the people you're around as you grow to another level, and you'll find new people on your level to be with. It will be overall so much more rewarding.

Good luck!

I totally agree with message #11.  I was talking with a friend one time and she was telling me about another discussion she had had.  Basically we are not taught at an early age to be happy for other people's happiness/sucess but we know how to hang on to every negative thing.  For example (with women especially) if you're having a conversation with your "friend" and say " my husband is such an ass because xyz" they will jump right in the conversation and be right there with you but, if you say "my husband is so sweet he xyz"  they will show some good for you's but quickly change the topic.  It's only with very true friends that we can be happy and have them be truly happy for us.  Those friends are harder to come by.  So far I haven't told anyone but my husband that I'm exercising and watching what I eat.  I just don't want to have to discuss, hear the "suggestions", or be questioned on why, or reminded when I eat with friends to watch what I'm eating..."is that allowed in your diet?"  I hate that question.  I won't justify my eating decisions to anyone.  As for the fundraisers I always use the excuse, which is true, that it's not in my budget.  Hey, when I lose weight I'll need the cash for a new wardrobe!!! :)  

you guys are all right. I have the same situation at work. My "close" work friends have said NOTHING about my 20 lb loss. But my regular acquaintences are all super nice and "wow" to me. I am not a person who ever expects that my friends will say something nice (even though I should), but it just surprised me and still does, that they say NOTHING.

I think they may be insulted that I have stopped going out to the bars with them after work, but drinking for 5 hours after work was not healthy on any level. Honestly, if I am interacting with friends that are so pathetic that they can't applaud me for wanting to be healthy and lose a few pounds, or who expect that I go out to the bar everytime they do in order to stay friends with them, well then I think it's clear I need some new friends :)

Was it just me, or did that remind you of a high school situation? Sad, given I'm in my mid-twenties. People are so pathetic and mean sometimes!

I'm in my mid-thirties maddcat6...and I still feel that way and 're-act" that way!  So way to go on that 20 lbs...keep it up...and no one should ever feel bad, jealous, fearful, sad, or punished for doing such a great thing for our bodies!  If they don't say it...YOU say it!  You did it...and YOU achieved it! 

I was a single-divorced mom a few years back when i lost my 50+ lbs on my 5 foot tall body!  I was out at the after work places myself on nights my ex had the kids and I was eating, drinking...and getting nowhere!  I had no hobbies, no real relationships and when I DID lose the weight...my so-called friends only had bad things to say like "you know...the men only want you now because you are skinny.  Having a good body is a harder than people with extra weight because you don't ever know if someone values you for the inside". 

What a crock!  So I dropped the lifestyle...bonded more with my job, kids, and home...toned my body that had lost alot of weight and never looked back.  Inow have a better career, better confidence, better friends...and a new hubbie as of next month!!

Fortunately for me, all my coworkers have been in my boat before. Most of my friends are from work and used to be heavier. They all joined weight watchers and lost a lot of weight. They understand where Im coming from and support me in trying to lose weight. (theyre also trying to convert me to weight watchers but thats not really my thing). The diet that I have made for myself has been working so far and I dont want to mess that up.

My problem is my older brother. Him and his girlfriend are both thin. 3 years ago I was about 100 pounds thinner (before I started dating my boyfriend). My brother tells me that I was too thin then and that Im healthy now. I try to explain to him that Im not happy at my current weight and Im trying to change that but he continues to make fun of the food I eat now (instead of the junk food) and always asks why Im trying to lose weight.

Man, that royally sucks. I have a friend, and when we were in middle school she was heading down the road to anorexia. She got pissed when I called her on it, but she did straighten herself out before it got serious, thank the gods. College was sort of the same thing, she would fad diet and regain everything she lost. Now she's on the right track and looks fantabulous! :)

Anyway, back from my tangent, it's hard for friends to adjust when something changes. I think humans are inately resistant to change. I also believe it's almost become a knee jerk reaction to tell someone they aren't fat. Friend A might have interpeted what you said as you feeling like she called you fat, and she was probably jumping to make herself clear.

Friend B is probably afraid of the change. It's easier to eat poorly and be inactive when you have other people do it with you; the calories become justifiable: "Oh, well we wanted to spend time together so eating those 1200 calories is ok." "Shared calories" don't count right? (I WISH). It could run deeper, psychologically. She might think that once you become thin, you might leave her in the dust or your personality might change. Especially if she has been overweight her entire life. If she has, she might have gotten teased by thinner people and developed an unconscious fear of skinny people, thus leading her to fear your change. It's a completely irrational fear, but still a distinct possibility.

If it comes down to it, you might have to have a serious discussion with her, telling her that you are doing this for your health and that nothing will change between the two of you (except your waist line!). If she remains resistant, it just might not be a salvagable relationship. Those are just choices you two will have to make.

*hugs*