Do you expect close friends to say please/thank you .. just use manners in general towards you? I always do but am asking because a close friend of mine who even has feelings for me (!) is actually pretty rude. As in, I'll go out of my way to help him (eg. give him a ride somewhere, do something for him) and he doesn't even say please or thank you. I don't know if I'm being picky but I thought that someone who you're friends with (and has told you numerous times that he likes you as more than a friend) would try to be more polite... what does everyone else think?
Expect isn't the right word. In today's day and age I don't expect ANYONE to use manners.
But I APPRECIATE when people have manners and prefer to hang around those that do. If his lack of manners bother you, I'd tell him.
Original Post by hkellick:
Expect isn't the right word. In today's day and age I don't expect ANYONE to use manners.
But I APPRECIATE when people have manners and prefer to hang around those that do. If his lack of manners bother you, I'd tell him.
That's a great reply. I don't think there's any better way of putting it....
I think you should expect basic manners. You don't have to be a Ninja Miss Manners about it.
Can you make someone change? Unlikely.
You could verbally appreciate manners when someone else uses them and mention it to your friend in a nice "I love it when" sort of way, but don't do so as a pointed lesson. He'll get it, or not. Most people would take offense to be on the receiving end of a manners lecture.
If he will not become more mannerly, you will have to decide if you will agree to be treated in this way.
Unfortunately, a great many people think of manners as that useful tool that gets them ahead in their job and that's it. The result is that too many people treat colleagues and the occassional stranger far better than they treat their family and friends. Go figure.
People have different ways of showing appreciation. I felt like my husband was being underappreciative a while back(well before we were married) because he never really said thanks when I did stuff. His way of showing it was by doing nice things for me. I grew up verbalizing my appreciation as well as reciprocating. My husbands family never really verbalized it. Once we talked about it, he started verbalizing it for me.
It could just be a communication problem. If it really bothers you, just talk to them about it. If they are a good friend, they will hopefully listen to what you say and try to take communicate in ways you understand in the future. I don't think you would asking them to change who they are, just asking them to express themselves in a way you can understand.
Original Post by hkellick:
Expect isn't the right word. In today's day and age I don't expect ANYONE to use manners.
But I APPRECIATE when people have manners and prefer to hang around those that do. If his lack of manners bother you, I'd tell him.
this is agreeable. for myself I taught myself to always say thank you. It started in high school when my bff's mom would give me a ride home from school even though I lived out of the way.
I definitely think that if it's something that you're "expecting" then you should talk to him about. I've found that a guy who truly cares about you what mind changing things up a little bit. Plus it really is a little bit and not going out of the way to say please and thank you. Might even help him with other people too.. especially the older generation.
I've been wondering the same thing as you though. I've have ALWAYS been raised to say yes ma'am and yes sir.. I guess it really is a southern thing.. but now it's routine & a part of my life. I don't say uh huh, or yeah, or anything like that.. atleast not to someone older than me. But sometimes when I do say it, people are astonished by it and some even offended because they don't feel old enough to be regarded as ma'am or sir. Hmm... interesting right?
Agree that it's better to mention it in a polite way, rather than passively-aggressively stewing about it and becoming increasingly resentful. Something like, "I've noticed that when I do favors for you, you tend not to say thank you, and I feel like you don't appreciate it when I go out of my way."
I expect manners from my friends because I consider them to be a sign of respect for the other person. I will not be good friends with someone who can't exhibit basic respect for me just as I exhibit basic respect for them.
I don't expect manners from strangers, but from friends, yes, I do.
gotta agree with hkell. I feel the same way in that i expect them to have good manners and I even feel rude when I bring it up but different people view friends in so many different ways these days its hard to please everyone.
Like, I know I get so pissy when one of my friends doesnt ask to eat something off my plate or drink from my bottle even if they were to ask I'm so ready to give them whatever they need. Most people that I hang out with tend to have the additude of 'we both scratch each others' backs so theres no need to ask or say thanks everytime!' which sorta sux sometimes
for me, it's the more subtle points of etiquette (or the lack of it) that get to me. please and thank you - they're so automatic for most people (at least the ones i hang out with) as to be almost meaningless. but the little things that people do and say--or don't do and say--that just make everyone more comfortable...those are the things that are important to me. they're the things that i admire in others, and the things that i wish i were better at.
and when those things are absent or go awry, i find it really cringe-worthy. it embarrasses me.
here's a good illustration: the other day i got together with an old friend from high school. we hadn't seen each other since graduation ('86), but connected through facebook, and we're in the same city now. so she came to my place, and when she walked in, she did this, gawk-around, "wow," thing, and said, "You must be doing well."
(let's be clear: my place is decent. it's clean and tidy (at least when i'm having company) and i have a reasonably good sense of style. but my furniture is all cheap crap--mostly ikea--and i have no real artwork other than some nice prints in the bedroom, and it's just a rental apartment.)
that's just tacky. and i know she wouldn't do it if she knew it was tacky, so i tried not to hold it against her. but - yuck. i'm glad there were no other witnesses.
Original Post by purespark:
Agree that it's better to mention it in a polite way, rather than passively-aggressively stewing about it and becoming increasingly resentful. Something like, "I've noticed that when I do favors for you, you tend not to say thank you, and I feel like you don't appreciate it when I go out of my way."
part of showing good manners is tolerating others' bad manners.
