FRUSTRATED with my mother!

it's as if my mother feels like i am going to hyperventilate if there is nothing healthy at the table.

tomorrow we are supposed to go to a cinco de mayo party with some family, and we are bringing the filling for the tacos.

and she calls me and tells me "i was thinking about bringing some grilled chicken. not fried or anything like that! just grilled! you know! on the barbeque! i won't put any sauce on it or anything!"

honestly, mom. i don't care that much. i'll eat whatever's there in sensible portions.

it just frustrates me that she feels like she has to explain or disclose everything for me, when really it's not an issue. and to top it off, she's got a bit of a temper, so if i try to talk to her about it she'll go into "well excuse me for trying to help" mode.

does anyone else have parents/friends/anyone who does stuff like this?

it might not make much sense, but sometimes it just gets to me and i need to vent!

The poor dear is just trying to do the right thing.  If she didn't care, fried the chicken and slapped on the mayonnaise, you'd probably be just as irritated.  Cut her some slack..... Try saying 'thank you for caring'.  Wouldn't kill you.

that pisses you off? seriously?

i think it's so awesomely supportive!

sigh. you're probably right. i just wish she didn't feel like she had to do that. i want her to know that, even though i have chosen to lead a healthy lifestyle, not everyone has to make sure that there is something "acceptable" for me to eat. i'm still a normal person, and i'm not afraid to eat full fat foods every once in a while (in those situations, i try to stick to half fun foods, in moderation, and half veggies/fruit).

how can i talk to her about it without upsetting her and causing her to get all defensive on me? has anyone else exprerienced this?

my suggestion would be to count yourself lucky! at least she's trying to help you instead of trying to sabotage you. yeah, it gets annoying, but it could be a LOT worse!!

Yeah it could be much worse! I would love for my mom to always try to keep my food healthy. Unfortunately I feel she tries to sabotage me (she cooks my food in butter sometimes) because I don't think she wants me to be smaller than she is. :/

It good that she is trying help. Just grin & bare it.

All mums have an annoying side. My mum moans about her weight but then keeps buying cakes & biscuits.

Tell her that you REALLY APPRECIATE her helping you and supporting you, but you don't want to force everyone else to eat like you if they don't want to.

If she still wants to make an effort to help you in your healthy lifestyle, then jeez just accept it. -__- And try to laugh it off; maybe she will eventually get the point that it's no big deal.

I think it depends on your history with your parents.

I've been heavy all of my life, and when I was younger my Mom and Dad were constantly reminding me that this or that had tons of fat, or this or that wasn't nutritious. When I was extremely young, I "wasn't allowed" to have my "brothers" whole milk, I could only drink the skim in the fridge.. so I took this huge attachment to food.

How is this relevant? Well, the history of the guilt-trips, etc (which, by the way, never worked).. made me extremely sensitive to family trying to 'help' me with my choices. Because of the *history* anything innocent was enough to put me on the defensive.

For example, recently I went to a party. I'd recieved an e-mail implying that they were going to drink. We'll, I've been trying to make better choices and have fewer carbs at nighttime. I knew my friend was a huge sweetheart and in the past we'd mix all sorts of fruity drinks (fruit juice mix = TONS of sugar/carbs). So I decided to make a better choice.. I'd take some distilled (no carb) rum with some sugar-free(no carb) fresca and have that as my drink with a high ratio of ice in the glass, which would keep my friend (meaning well) from offering me drinks. To offset the calories from the alcohol, I'd eaten really well that day... I had a banana for breakfast, a salad with grilled chicken for lunch, tons of water, and a lighter stir-fried dinner, skipping the bread.

So, I was feeling proud of myself for planning ahead, and when my fiancee (in very good intentions) mentioned to me that alcohol still has alot of unwanted calories on the ride over there -- I felt resentful of the guilt, and the feeling they thought I wasn't in control of my choices. Well, we talked and I explained to him that I want his motivation as an exercise buddy, and I want him to be motivating and proud of me... but because of my past with my parents I needed him to not comment on my nutritional choices.

So, I don't know your Mom, and I'm sure she was just trying to help. But, I also know the side of the fence where it becomes a negative issue if anyone tries to 'help' with your choices in any way. So, if your like me. Explain to your Mom (well, first disarm the attitude by telling her you appreciate that she loves you so much for thinking of you, and wanting to support you)..but that you strongly prefer if she does not help..because all of your choices must be your own, and ask (in a nice way) if she could forget the fact that you are even dieting.

My mom's like this a little sometimes - she wants to help and she decides to do things to "help" without really consulting anyone and then she has this huge plan for what's going to happen and if you say anything along the lines of no thanks it is a huge and crushing moment that makes her get all sullen and resentful and declare that obviously you're ungrateful and she shouldn't bother etc. etc. etc.

My grandma's sorta like that too, she likes to give me things like clothes I'll never wear and underwear I will probably never grow into. I tried refusing and she got all upset and started crying about how she worries etc. so I just suck it up now. She used to get all upset over food for me too (I can't have wheat) and would do things like make zucchini bread and then say but allichka you can eat it it's zuccchini! and then I'd say no sorry and she'd be sad again.

The good news is, on the grandma front, that I gave her some recipes and explained what I could and couldn't have more clearly for her and now when she knows I'm coming she likes to make things for me. It's cute and I can eat it and really it makes her feel useful and helpful and I don't see the point in taking that away from anyone. You might want to sit down w/ your mom and just explain your feelings but say hey, these are ways that you COULD help me, blah blah whatever, and give her a way to help you out and feel good about herself without making her feel like she's compromising things for your needs.

amarie, your post sounds like exactly what i'm going through!

its not that i hate my mom for trying to help, she just takes it over the top or doesn't do it in the right way.

i will try to let her know how she CAN help me follow a healthy lifestyle without being to overbearing.

That sounds like what my mom does but i APPRECIATE her for doing it. It just sounds like she is being supportive unless she is saying that in a sarcastic manner. then thats a different story. It sounds like she is just trying to help and not being appreciated for her efforts.

my mom, grandma, my mom's boyfriend, my cousin, my mom's boyfriend's brother, my mom's boyfriend's brother's wife, my neighbours and my friends are always comment on how healthy i eat, my weight and my workouts.

it gets a little annoying after awhile.

i agree with what erica is saying. it's not that i don't appreciate it, i really like her supporting me.

it's just that when she talks about it all the time, every single time we eat together, it gets a little annoying and i just want us as a family to focus on something else.

Moms are a real piece of work sometimes.  They really do mean well REALLY!!  Mine would constantly say things like "You don't NEED that" in an admonishing tone, but at the dinner table be putting food on my plate.  Especially the "last piece" of something like it was more important for her to deprive herself or to be the one to do without, etc. but at the same time, contradicting her other messages by piling food on my plate.

This isn't exactly the same situation that you are in but as I read your post and pictured my Mom talking about prepping grilled chicken as a means to "help" I could feel myself get defensive too.

Original Post by gi-jane:

The poor dear is just trying to do the right thing. If she didn't care, fried the chicken and slapped on the mayonnaise, you'd probably be just as irritated. Cut her some slack..... Try saying 'thank you for caring'. Wouldn't kill you.

I completely agree with this response. Last night at my mothers birthday I made her a homemade full of fat and sugar cake (they wouldn't eat it any other way). I caught hell for taking a tiny piece! lol, You should be happy that everyone is supporting you and wanting to see you get healthier. Its tough when you don't have that. Some times my family is supportive sometimes they're not. Its too bad they can't be all the time.

Original Post by tini87:

Yeah it could be much worse! I would love for my mom to always try to keep my food healthy. Unfortunately I feel she tries to sabotage me (she cooks my food in butter sometimes) because I don't think she wants me to be smaller than she is. :/

Yes! My mom too! She knows I'm eating healthy and exercising, but when I visit she will load me up a plate of heavy calorie fake food or put 10lbs of butter on my toast. If I say something (which I always do) like "Mom, you know I can't stomach that", she'll sulk that I'm unappreciative of her efforts. Makes me feel like crap but I tell her ALL THE TIME to not serve up my plate or put condiments on my food. Even when I tell her "I don't want cheddar in my soup" she'll say "oh but it's really good" and dump a cup of shredded chedder into it. Ug.

By the way, I'm 33 and she's 54 and she NEVER use to load my plate or put things on my food when I was a kid. I have no idea what's gotten into her.

I think it's a mothers instict to feed up their child.

When I did my 'BIG Diet' 2 years back where I was on a VLCD (I did have to consult my doctor first. 3 shakes/soups/ bars a day, saw my diet coucellor every week, then started introducing foods back into my diet) my mum worried so much & I could see she just wanted to give me food. I understand why she worried as it sounds like such a drastic & unsafe diet, but it was what I wanted/needed to do & was absoultly fine doing it. If I hadn't of been fit to do the diet my doctor would of said no & my coucellor would of refused me too.

When I finally slimmer & back to eating food again she was so happy to make me dinner. The good thing was that while I was losing weight she had found loads of new low fat healthy recipes to cook. Some were out of my diet books my councellor gave me!

I would love it if my mom cooked me healthy food! My family is not capable of keeping healthy food in their house. I have 2 little brothers, so they get a lot of prepackaged proccessed stuff.

Erin: I'm in the same situation you are, people are always commenting on how healthy I eat, as if it's a crime to not eat junk food! I really don't get it.

I'm trying to gain weight, the healthy way, and my mom seems to think the only way for me to actually gain weight is by eating junk food and actually gets mad at me for eating thigns like wheat bread rather than white because wheat bread is apparently a "diet food". She's constantly shoving cakes and cookies at me and yells at me if I say no. And she does the whole, sneaking extra butter into things she cooks for me too. I'm also vegetarian and my family has a hard time grasping that concept. Sometimes my mom is just trying to be considerate, like when we try and go out to eat she goes crazy making sure I'll be able to eat something wherever we go. Other times she tries to convince me to eat "just a little bit" of meat, or to go back to eating meat until I gain some weight, then I can be vegetarian again. My dad also likes to scrutinize my plate at every meal to make sure it has enough protein.

At least it's usually just concern and good intentions, even when it's too much. I guess one day if I become a parent I'll understand....but I'll keep healthier food in the house from the get go :)

If you have a history of problems with food or family problems with food or with too much or too little weight, then you just have to sit them down and explain in detail and then let them have their own neurotic tendencies even though they irritate the living daylights out of you.  It takes time, especially if you've had a history and they are worried that they haven't noticed your problems.

If you don't have a history, then just explain to them that treats are exactly that and that when you go to a party you like to enjoy and indulge which is different than what you do the rest of the time.  It's truly the practice of having treats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner that makes them routine and then you don't appreciate them or the additional inches around your waist.

For parties, try black bean brownies, they're really good, low calorie and they have no artificial sweeteners.