Frustrated and worried

My husband and I adopted a boy who is now 16yrs old about 15months ago. We meet him through a friend of mine I knew from elementary school. The young man let's call him KD has had a very has had a very hard life. To sum it up KD was born in the County hospital because his birth mother was in jail and was on drugs. So KD's sister from another father's grandmother took him in. KD lived with her since he was 2yrs old, well  when he was 13 his grandmother was diagnosed with brain cancer and die about 17 months ago. During her last yr of her life which was suppose to be his freshman year of high school he took care of her. When she passed her son's came and packed all KD's belongings from his room and called my friend to come pick him up, he was not blood family and they didn't want to take care of him. So he was sitting on the curb with all of his things when she came to get him. She called me just venting, worried about what to do with him, she said she couldn't take care of him. And so my husband & I took him. He was doing pretty well. then summer came & he started to go to his bff's house every weekend who happens to live right next door to his grandma?s house. He started acting sad & sleepn alot. He said his old friends where saying things to him about him not being around & saying he has changed so he took it pretty hard, as we have noticed he does about a lot of things.We talk with him last night about him accepting our love for him. he said it is hard because all he has known is disappointment in his life, he has been waiting to see what is going to happen. I told him when he came I gave him my heart 100% not even really knowing him because I took him in as my son not just some kid living in our house and we feel he is only giving 25% not speaking or anything. I feel he dwells on his past to much. He says what he has now is all that he used to dream of when he was little but now that he has the mom and dad, the house, the basketball court in the front, kids to come over and hangout at his house he doesn't know what to do with it, he says he feels like a dream and he is afraid he will wake up and it will be gone like everything else has. Will it just take time or does he need help. He doesn?t seem to grasp the concept of people loving him unconditionally and wanting him to go to high school and college, get good grades and have a successful life. We tell him it not going to benefit us for you to graduate its for you, for your future.What do we do, he doesn?t want to speak to a counselor, I am asking for too much too soon? Help

He's been a 'throw-away' kid for too long now, so when he gets good things he doesn't know how to handle it.  It's great you took him in and are trying to help him.

Insist on counseling to get you all through this.

Good luck.

I'd say, in my completely, non-professional opinion, not to send him to a counselor yet. He might see it as a lack of faith in him coming from you, which is exactly the opposite of what he needs. I think just give him time and make sure to spend time with him. Show him you love him by being there for him and keep on treating him like he's your son, and he'll begin to understand. Counseling may help (and may be needed) in the future, but I think for now he just needs to learn to trust you and your faith in him. He sounds like a good kid! Good luck! You have done quite a mitzvah.

Ya i agree, i will look for a family counselor

Thank you

this is my first post, i guess i should read all the replys before replying ooppps

Thank you both so much for your responses!

I agree I think there is a trust issue and we have to build that. I should give it some time, then if he is not responding will look for a counselor

thanks again!

Sounds like he's had a tough life, those he should have been able to depend on haven't been there for him so it's probably hard for him to accept your love and care. He's maybe holding back to protect himself from anymore hurt, and he's probably still grieving too. And perhaps he thinks he'll end up like his mother... no good and in jail.

I guess all you can do is be patient and help him do what he wants to.

I commend you for taking him in though, its not an easy thing to do.

Start getting him to think towards the future and the great life he can have. School and what he wants to do with his life, do things together and have fun (take him out to eat, boys like food).

He had a hard life, but help him understand thats over, and that all thats left is any life he wants. If his grades are bad or he is behind, help him catch up and get him seeing where he is going (and wanting to be there).

Its hard to look behind you when your eyes are focused on whats ahead of you.

**oh, a great way to talk to children is to do it while eating. Take him out to lunch at some sitdown place and just chat about random things... go out to dinner as a family and just laugh and have fun... that can open up a very easy flowing dialogue with your kids, breaks down the "parent" and "child" and just becomes more of an exchange**

just love him, and try not to expect anything in return.  you can't make up for sixteen years of shit overnight.  he will probably test you, because he expects you to reject him, and if that's going to happen, he wants it on his terms. 

if you do seek professional help, make sure he knows it's not because he's a problem, that it's a family problem. 

and good for you, bbell, for putting your heart on the line like that.

I think you are wonderful for taking this kid in.  Give him time and continue to love him.  I would monitor his sadness, and if it becomes continuous, I would go to a pediatrian/counselor for some help.  Counseling for you, with experienced counselors who handle adoption and/or foster care, might help you understand better how to HELP him through the changes, grief, and confusion that he appears to be feeling. 

I also think it is important to find out what triggers him opening up to you.  I used to take my son to church and eat out afterwards because he would open up to me eating breakfast.  There were no other distractions(for him or me), and I could give my full attention to him while he was talking.  Indirect methods of communication seemed to work better than asking him directly what was wrong and/or right in his life.  Also try and bond with him on what he likes to do and/or working together on something i.e. yardwork, dishes etc.  Hope these ideas are helpful, and best of luck to you.

P.S. I also started telling my then teenage son that I loved him (expecting no response from him) at least once a day.  He then began to say it back to me - surprise!