Frustration with eating

Hi all, I'm sorry that my first post here is such a downer, but I feel like I could really get some good advice from you guys.

I could go on and on about the problems I've had with regards to calorie counting, food insecurities, control, self-esteem/perception, etc., but to put a very long, tedious and I'm sure all too familiar story short (for now), I lost over the past two years a lot of weight. However, I was one of those people who, upon reaching maintainence, was so scared of gaining BACK the weight that they put themselves in a constant state of loss/deficit "just to be safe". As a result, I now weigh less than I should. Granted, it's not too terrible, but enough to have my doctor reccommend I gain weight. Currently, I'm a 19 year old female, weighing about 52kg at 170cm tall. 

Although I've accepted the need to gain back a bit of weight, the problem is that I feel like I've turned food/eating into a moral component of my life. I feel like I need to "earn" the right to eat, and that this is signified by feeling like I've done a lot of housework, exercise, hours at my casual job, etc. Or even restricting my food intake, so that when I do eat it's not just more satisfying, but "justified". It's so much harder when my family hardly seems to eat anything, compared to by breakfaste/snack/lunch/snack/snack/dinner/sna ck routine (even when I was losing weight I ate like this).

I hate the fact that I sit down to dinner sometimes and over-think my eating. I wonder "am I really hungry? Is this food being "wasted" because I don't need it to replenish myself after putting in effort today?" Stuff like that. Sounds silly, but it's a vicious cycle. Now, when I eat it seems a lot of the time my hunger sensations have faded, and I don't enjoy what I do eat a lot of the time. It's so frustrating, becasue I really do love food and want to enjoy myself when I do eat. Taste, too, sometimes seems dull, or like I can taste it but the sensation of satisfaction is escaping me.

I know I need to eat more when gaining, but how can I do this when food seems "less special" or 'less prized/earned" because it's in such abundant (or, perhaps,  more normal) quantities? How can I avoid feeling like I'm making a pig of myself compared to the eating habits of "normal" people who, based on their meals/snacks (even if high calorie) don't seem to make it to 2000 a day?

I guess I just want to enjoy food like I used to, but withou returning to the point where I wasn't eating enough. Something to stimulate appetitie, or make food less a matter of self-worth and more something to be heartilly embraced.

Sorry for the ramble, and I know some backstory may have helped a lot. But (and this is going to sound oh so "teenage cliche" :P) I've poured my heart out into my personal diaries so much about my thinking and reasoning issues with food that I don't feel as if I can go into it again right now. I just wish things were simpler.

But I admire all of you so much...so many of you have to deal with real issues and are conquering them so well.

You stimulate appetite in two ways... first is to eat enough and eat regularly.  This is 'habit-forming' side of things.  Getting your body and mind used to eating at particular times of day and used to set amounts.   Which is what 'appetite' is in most people... an expectation of food rather than physical hunger pangs.  It sometimes gets called 'mechanical eating'  but I'd suggest you think of it more as developing a regular, healthy eating habit... which is more accurate.  Plan your day ahead so that you're sure you're fitting it all in.

The second way is to make what you eat interesting and appealing.  The boys in Oliver Twist's workhouse sing ....'all we ever get is gruel'... with understandably miserable looks on their faces, wincing as it gets slopped into their bowl.   No-one can get excited about a bland, repetitive diet.  For this, I'd suggest you approach food in a more holistic way....  sourcing it, growing veg/herbs, cooking tasty recipes, baking cakes, entertaining friends... having fun with food rather than seeing it as some kind of 'necessary evil'.

Finally.. your thought processes about do you deserve food...  I'm afraid that's tipping you into the abnormal/disordered and is a 'real issue'.  Negative thoughts, low moods and depression can be a by-product of a poor diet and/or starvation..... So the sooner you get into weight-gain and an appropriate amount of nourishment I think the more you'll feel comfortable and more positive.

Thanks for the reply :) I do eat very regularly...I make a habit of it because, as I said, I luvs me food! But I guessI feel like I'm working against "intuitive eating"...and I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but everyone else seems to survie on basically three meals a day, with much less snacking than I do (and did when I was maintaining a lower weight).

And the thought of gaining just spooks me a little I guess as well, no matter how rational it seems in my head.

It is very hard to deal with those feelings; I have them too. I often find myself thinking "Well, its okay to eat this because I did XYZ today." What you have to do is everytime a thought like that pops into your mind, challenge it with a more postivie and rational thought. If you think to yourself "I can eat this banana because I cleaned the kitchen" say back yourself, "It doesn't matter if I cleaned the kitchen or watched TV - I still deserve to eat this." It's hard at first, because you do feel kind of silly saying things like that. But it does help. I have to do it everyday, say to myself "What I do or don't do during the day does not change how much I must eat." Normal people eat whatever they want, whenever they feel like it. And most people do snack during the day, when they can. They also do tend to have rather large meals (average American lunch/dinners are appx 600-800 calories) and I doubt you eat that much in one sitting. So if you are eating less at regular meals, it would make sense that you would also need snacks in between. Its healthier for your body anyways, to spread out food throughout the day. Don't worry so much about what other people are doing though. Your body is unique to you and you need to do what feels right for it, not what seems to be right for someone else.

Beccachu, I don't think you have a "problem" at all.  You have worked hard to lose weight and you're afraid to gain it back - that's perfectly understandable.  Your family members and other people may not have to think about it all the time because they're not the same as you.  I've learned in all my "diet years" to stop comparing myself to others - it's pointless and it gets you nowhere. 

Right now you are working on developing "healthy eating habits".  You are aware of what you're putting in and what you're expending - there's nothing wrong with that.  AND you will probably always, to some degree, have to think about it.  I know I do - I have to, or I will easily gain weight.  Over time you won't "obsess" so much about it.  Eventually all this work will just become habit - just part of your daily routine.  Eating healthy, watching your portions, and exercising will just become "what you do".

Sometimes it might get tiring.  You won't always be excited about "being good".  You might become resentful about it all.  Everyone goes through this.   It'll pass.  When this happens just ride it out AND forgive yourself.  Try not to let it go on too long.  You'll know when it's happening - it's a great time to try something new - either a new food or a new exercise.  Sometimes that's all you need for a little kick start.

I personally think that since you are so aware of yourself and you are seeking help on this site you're already on the right track.  I hope this helps.  Good luck.

Hello!

I am a 21 year old personal trainer and I look fit and healthy at 51 kilo’s and about 166 cm tall

My BMI is on the lowest normal range but the mental and non physical elements have been the hardest for me

Much of what you had to say evoked a response in me because I too, LOVE food! I think a lot of people that fixate on losing weight and etc end up liking food more then other people because it has consumed them in one way or another in their weight loss journey.

I also get hyped up before meals because I look forward to them so much! It doesn’t help that I am not working or studying at the moment and have hardly any friends and NO family where I live so I have a lot of time too think about food. My body!

I ended up looking so forward to eating that it would not even be as enjoyable by the time I got around to actually doing it.

It is better now, because I eat regularly and know that another meal is never far away so there is no need to obsess over and revel in each meal! I do not have to put pressure on myself to love it that much because the next bite is always around the corner, and food is not some sacred thing I need to savor before it runs out!

I over think my eating too, but if I waited until I “ I felt hungry” I might be waiting ALL DAY because we may not KNOW how are bodies feel hunger, we may not be AWARE when our bodies let us know they are hungry because we do not know what it is supposed to feel like

Every feels hunger differently according to their bodies, I feel irritable when I need food, some people get hunger pains or stomach rumbling and etc there are all KINDS of signals our bodies give out that we COULD MISS.

So instead of over analyzing things and wondering if you are hungry, use LOGIC; it is better for your metabolism and body if you eat every 2 - 4 hours, so do it

LOGICALLY if you ate a 300 - 400 calorie meal then after 4 hours you boy WILL need food again, even if you have not recognized any hunger signals, you know that your body would still need some more energy to function better.

It is HARD for A LOT of people to know their bodies hunger signals so your body DOES have them REGUARDLESS of weather you are aware of them, therefore you need to eat

Just because you do not know what the hunger is supposed to feel like, it does NOT mean the signals are not there, you just cannot recognize them!

Thankyou, everyone, for your kind and informative replies. I appreciate the time taken to give advice, especially as I am so new here :)

personaltrainer87, you're exactly right: I am overanalysing and the other night, I just sat down and concentrated on just enjoying what was there. I didn't think about what I could have had, or what it would taste like if I was hungrier, etc. there are so many variables in life, that we can never really control our circumstances fully, or even so that they align with other people (eg. in eating habits, weight, etc). You gotta do what's right for you.

Although I say that now, I know I still have some things to work through but it's achievable. I worry, though, about eating more and diffusing good habits I already have (eg. bringing nuts, fruit, etc. out with me instead of buying something like a smoothie). I know partly it is because I'm allowing myself more calories than before but I guess I don't trust myself that much. But, I suppose, as long as I'm in the right mindset, I could do anything I set myself towards (eg. I'd be less likely to buy food out if I were concentrating on mainatinence than allowing for gain).

Sorry for the ramble, but it is such a relief to vent to others going through the same things rather than feel as if I'm annoying my family (again lol). But, and this is perhaps too subjective a question to ask, but is it possible that I'm being overly-complacent in thinking/allowing myself to gain weight? Am I perhaps conforming to the BMI too much? I mean, cosmetically it could do me some good (my chest shows off my ribs quite a bit) and I have a tendency to get tired easy. also, I've noticed I get anxious and tired when hungry, as well as irritable pretty easy. My hands are often cold (worst...winter...ever!). I dunno, I guess I'm caught between feeling like I need to put on weight, and the fear that I don't have to and that I'll go too far again, except now would've lost any good habits. But it's so liberating to eat different foods now...I guess I just have to find a medium.

Again sorry for the splurge...any thankyou for you kind consideration ^_^ 

I have a tendency to get tired easy. also, I've noticed I get anxious and tired when hungry, as well as irritable pretty easy. My hands are often cold (worst...winter...ever!).

That sounds VERY SIMILAR to how I felt!!!!!

My BMI was 17 - 18 for most of this year, I was about 100 lbs and 166 cm with a BMI of 18 or less for a lot of this year, and most of the year before and I felt a weird tiredness, and my hands got cold, and I felt so cold in winter that it was unbearable and I could not use my hands to write or turn my car keys.

I also got anxious and tired and irritable easily, EXACTLY how you describe it! I think that has a bit to do with the fact we THINK about food too much too, so by the time we do eat we are just so sick of everything revolving about food that we resent everything about it. We just want to eat and enjoy food and be a good weight without being scared we do not weigh enough or that we will gain too much weight and lose good habits.

Your BMI is 18 which is a little less then mine is. I am 51 kilo’s and about 166 cm, with a BMI of 18.5 - 19 . From my experience, it DOES NOT NECESSARILY TAKE MUCH to feel a difference, I did not gain much weight at all, I went from a BMI of about 18, to a healthier BMI of 19 and it made a HUGE difference, even though I only gained 2 pounds at the most!

I am no longer cold all the time, I do not get tired or irritable the same way I did around food.

I still have my issues but my body feels like it is being fed plenty and this has really helped me to think about food less

Do you think you get anxious because you are not eating quiet enough? That can influence things, because you want to stay slim yet you know deep down you really need the food, yet another part of you wants to control how much you eat/what you eat/ etc.

At your age and height, if you are burning 200 or more calories a day through exercise then you need 1800 MINUMUM a day - I am shorter then you by a few cm and I know that I need that much, and I do not burn 200 calories a day through exercise - I only do Pilate’s 4 - 5 days a week and body pump Once a week ( and I eat extra that day, 2200, to compensate for the c400 or so calories a burn)

I am not an expert but I DO KNOW you need 1800 MINUMUM if you burn 200 calories a day or more - I am not sure exactly how much your body needs but 1800 is a bare MINUMUM.

You know the math - 3500 calories extra to gain weight, which is 500 extra a day for 7 days or 250 extra a day for 14 days and etc….. 1800 or even 2000 calories will NOT cause you to gain weight.

Yeah, I notice that I start to get really anxious/excited about my food if I'm hungry before I eat...I'm kinda addicted to the feeling, hehe, so gaining is kinda hard when you want to be hungry and enjoy your dinner. Take it too far, however, and it isn't a good place to be lol.

From experiance, have any gainers who lost a little too much (through maintainence fear, I suppose) found they were able to revert back to sensible etaing habits after incorporating more calories for gain? This is something I'm pretty nervous about, since the freedom to say "Oh, I'm going to eat this now and it doesn't really matter 'cause I can AFFORD to" is a bit overwhelming.

I've learnt a good lesson though... I was recording around 1700-1800 cals for a good part of this year, and that, coupled with uni (more walking with class and public transport, etc) saw me go from about 55kg in july to about 51-50 in Oct-Nov. I know that everyone's needs are different and that even our own individual needs change with time and varying circumstance. I keep having to remember "You gotta do what's right for you".

Eating more has definately helped identify areas where I was going wrong. My body seems to handle a lot more than I thought it could, and this aim to gain has kinda shown that I'm never fully going to realise what  I can deal with unless I experiment. As has been said, this isn't an exact science, more of an art: you take the mould and principles of calories, nutrition, etc. and see how you compare. You won't fit perfectly; no one really can. You just use it to guide you to your own happy medium.

Ah...this is helpful, even as a means of self-reasuurance. The difference now, though, is that I can get feedback from others who can offer simlar advice and such. All the help so far has been wonderful; it's so comforting to realise I'm not alone in this circumstance, nor that I'm 'weak'. I need to make my approach to food and eating a bit more orderly I think, and the gain seems somewhat justified moreso in that respect.

Did anyone find that they "settled down" more (with regards to mood and attitude to eating) once they reached a healthier weight? Was it easier to maintain?

Sorry, even in the one post I find myself bouncing between self assurance/optimism and wariness.

The self assurance/optimism and wary ness are all feelings that spin around my mind too in regards to gaining and maintaining weight!

When I decided to gain from about 47 kilo’s I wanted to do the right thing, but there were those mixed messages that hindered my progress at times.

It felt BETTER once I reached a healthier weight range, the lowest end but still healthy for me and my build

I become MUCH STRONGER, and YOU should become much stronger once you gain the weight and have proved to yourself that you can do it despite the challenges you faces with the conflicting thoughts in your head.

The MAIN thing that saved me was to EXPERIEMINT until I found how much carbohydrates/proteins/fats I needed to feel my best.

Once my body felt it was getting what it needed, I stopped feeling as anxious and weird about food, my body felt the best it had ever felt.

I just re read your post and I totally turned food into a morel component of my life too, which I now regulate as best I can although as a personal trainer and person in the health industry food I will always love educating myself about food and how it interacts with my body; I just need view it as “ work” and not let the obsession dominate and dictate my mood/life and try to enjoy food when I NEED it and WHILE I eat it, and then forget about it until I need it again.

SO, after YEARS of experimenting with food, it has been WELL worth the effort, as I have found what works best for me!

That's so great...at the moment I'm finding it easier to accept that, at the moment, I will be eating differently than I will have to in the future, so any negative feelings are only temporary really, and by doing what I'm doing now I've saved myself a lot of heartache in the future. You're right, this isn't just a time to get healthier (no matter how much I try to rationalise that I don't really need it)... this is an opportune time to experiment, to find what works for ME. Thanks so much for that insight :)

I think what's difficult though is what we've alrwady touched upon...that moral componenet that food's become. I feel like I defined myself by my rigidity to my diet...by denying myself or making myself stretch food out so I achieved that "pleasure through pain" aesthetic, I gave myself a feeling of not only self worth and discipline, but control over something. Now that's being challenged, and I'm finding it very hard not to equate "gain" with "failure". I guess self-perception plays a big part... I keep feeling that, no matter what, all I'm doing is looking for excuses to over-indulge and that I'm just weak in comparison to everyone else (eg. like I can't suppress tiredness/mooodiness like others can, or hold off hunger until meal times...like I'm just looking for self-serving excuses to eat).

I guess as much as a trust in food and our bodies needs to be established, as does a trust and love of ourselves :)