just funnies

you can't fight in this thread, if you are looking for one, you won't find it, this is just a place for funnies...

so, my six year old is telling me a story, and when i didn't understand something she said, i asked her, "what?" and she repeated it. my nine year old then looked at her and said, "what?" and my six year old turned to her with the most offended look on her face and in her meanest voice said, "it's none of your earwax!"

see, funny! share a joke or something...

Don't tell me what to do!! :-P  Just kidding :)

I have no jokes...the only one I can think of is: "two peanuts are walking down the street, one of them is assaulted."

HA!

Funny but long...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threateni! ng,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".I ke pt thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who in the future, will likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Oh, man. Assaulted. Fantastic!

Here's mine...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead. (wait for it...)


Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the monkey.


I'll try to think of some more...

HAHA. i liked those testimony things. Those are great. Heres one:

So theres this guy that wants to open up a mine. But first he needs to hire some workers. So this big black guy comes and applies and the owner is like "oh you look like youd be really good with the pick axe, youre hired!" a big white guy comes and applies. the owner is like "oh you look like youd be really good with the cart. youre hired!" a small asian comes to apply. the owner says "oh you look like youd be really good with handling the supplies, youre hired." So the next day the owner wants to go out and make sure all his new workers are doin a good job. he sees the black guy doing an awesome job with the pick axe, he sees the big white guy pushing doing good. He cant seem to find the little asian guy anywhere. He asks the other guys but they say they havent seen him. So as the owner so walking back to his office he turns the corner and out of the bushes jumps the little asian guy and he yells "SUPPLIES!"

No offense towards asian. Since i am 1/16th asian. haha

Supplies! It took me a second to get that one...I'm slow sometimes.

Holy cow, that's funny.

kris10, yours sound like ones i made up when i was a kid!

yeah, not the most intelligent of jokes...here's another one.

Q: Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Think about it...

A: Because its head is so far from its body!

Oh, man! I don't know if anyone else is enjoying this, but I sure am!

what do you call batman and robin run over by a bus?

flatman and ribbon.

hah!

Mel, I just laughed out loud. God bless you for starting this thread.

My coworkers are going to think I'm crazy!

i've posted this before,but it's worth the repeat:

what do you call a male ladybug?

confused!

This one still makes my roommate hysterical:

So there are these two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other one screams, "AH! A talking muffin!"

:)

A man decides that he wants to get a pet. He goes to the pet shop and asks a guy who works there for help. The pet shop worker suggests the man buy a Brazillian catipillar b/c its exotic. The man likes the idea of having an exotic pet so decides to get it.

On the way home the man opens the lid to the jar containing the catipillar and says, "Hey do you want to go to the bar for a drink?" Theres no answer so the man asks again, "Do you want to go to the bar for a drink?" Still he gets no answer. He yells into the jar, "DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BAR FOR A DRINK?" The catipillar says, "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on."

These are from my husband - I hope I get them right....

Two little old ladies are driving down the road.  They go through one red light, then another and another.  The little old lady in the passenger seat asks the one driving, "Why did you drive through those red lights?"  The little old lady answers, "Oh, was I driving?"

------

A man goes to a psychiatrist and the doctor asks him a serious of questions to determine if there is any mental disease: Can you jump up and down?  What color is the sky? etc.  Then the doctor hands him a roll of saran wrap and tells him to go in the bathroom, strip down and wrap himself in the saran wrap.  The man is confused, but does what the doctor asks.  When the man comes back into the room he asks the doctor for his report.  The doctor answers back, "Well, I can see your nuts!"

When I was about 5, I came up with a joke.  You ready?

Why didn't the sofa move?

Ready??

Cause it's batteries died.

Oh yeah...me smart.

Oh, man! Seriously, you guys are killing me!

That caterpiller...

Batteries!

A man takes his family out to a nice restaurant for supper during the middle of the week.  Part way through the meal, he excuses himself to use the washroom.  He enters a stall, sits down, and was startled to hear from the next stall, "Hey man, how's it goin?"  Surprised, but not wanting to appear rude, he replies, "Great....and yourself?"  The other guy, "Good, good.  So what're you having for supper?"  The first guy replies, "Oh, the waiter suggested the prime rib and a bottle of the house wine."  Guy in the other stall says, "Good choice!  So what are your plans for the weekend?"  First guy, "I think we're going to take the kids camping, then maybe hit the beach.  You?"

All of a sudden, the guy in the next stall says, "I have to put you on hold, Mark, I have to go deal with this ASSHOLE in the next stall that keeps answering all my questions!"

Gotta love cellphones!!

Overheard in a hotel lobby  (true story!)

A woman was telling her husband to hurry up, their cab was waiting.  He yelled back "I'm coming, I'm coming"  She said, under her breath "In that case, take your time"

This was one of my fav's when I was a kid.

Little johnny came home from school one day and had a frog in his hand.  His mom said, "what you got there?"  johnny replied, "a frog, but I think he's dead."  "Why do you say that?"  his mother asked.  "Well, because I pissed in his ear."  said Johnny.  "You WHAT?!?" Johnny's mother asked shocked.  Johnny said "I said pssst in his ear, and he didn't move!"

I have two funnies. They were both my brother's favorite when we were growing up.

Do you know what I would buy if I had all the money in the world?

A new butt, mine has a crack in it.
(It's funnier if you imagine him telling it to my very gruff WW2 Vet grandpa, which he did)

There were three men waiting in the hospital waiting room for their wives to have babies. The nurse comes out and goes up to the first one and says congratulations sir, your wife just had twins. He replies Well, that's a coincidence, I work at Twin Cities Federal. She takes him back to see the babies. Pretty soon she comes out again and goes up to the second man and says congratulations sir, your wife just had triplets. He replies, That's a coincidence, I work at 3M. The third man gets up and starts to run for the door. The nurse says sir, sir where are you going? He replies I work at Phillips 66.

Long story:

We're sitting at The Olive Garden a couple of years or so ago. My oldest is asking us all the Italian Trivia Questions from the kids menu. Hubby and I respond like are bored and the questions are waaay to easy. So number 1 son gets frustrated:

"I'm not asking you guys any more questions! You guys know everthing. This is no fun."

Hubby fakes a pruning facade:

"Yes I do! I do know everything!"

Number 2 son pipes in:

"No, you don't, Dad. You don't know absolutely everything."

"Yes I do - No you don't - Yes I do - No you don't."

Finally, hubby says, "OK Number 2 son. What don't I know if you're so smart?"

Number 2 son replies:

"Well, you don't know what Grandma's feet taste like."

Stunned silence.

"No, number 2 son, I don't know what your Grandmother's feet taste like. Do you?"
"No. But neither do you."

Now, where did that come from?