How do you gain self-esteem and self-confidence?

I know I'm not fat, but that doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and only being able to focus on what I see as being wrong with my body. The extra skin and fat stands out like nothing else when I look at myself. Even though sometimes I look at myself and like what I see, most of the time I can't help but flinch away. And yes...I do know that I shouldn't be like that.

The problem is, I don't know how to gain self-confidence. I don't know how to accept my body for what it is and just live. When I'm unhappy with my body, bad things tend to happen.

Here's a mini-background, I suppose. About two years ago (beginning of my senior year in high school) I lost about 40 lbs when you consider what I gained back. At first I did it healthily but for about a month I did so by restricting my food a lot. Now, about three weeks ago, I kind of plummeted. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that, being the way I looked, no one would ever be attracted to me. Certainly not people who I am attracted to. And yes, I know it is shallow that this was largely my motivation but...I can't help it. So in those three weeks I have lost about 12 lbs. I'm fine with my weight now -- I know it is healthy -- but I can't help but still want to lose less of the flab. Tone up or whatever. Part of me believes that by doing this, I will be able to feel better about myself and gain the confidence that I so direly need.

How can I do this? I am going to continue to work out, and slowly start eating more (my parents are beginning to freak out...I'm home for the summer). But there must be something else that I can do to improve my mind-set, right? I just don't know what.

(My stats, as of yesterday, were: 5'6''-ish, 124 lbs. I'm going to be 19 next month.)

I'm sorry you feel that way luna. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I would ask you this- what is something that makes you feel really good about yourself? Maybe it's a musical talent, maybe it's having really good listening skills, that your friends come to you for a shoulder to cry on.

Confidence doesn't (have to) stem from looks, please don't just base it on the faults that you see.

If you want to get toned, try lifting weights, it will firm you up (I'll telling myself this as well!- we have nearly identical stats)

stay healthy {{hugs}}

how to feel better about yourself?

try thinking about people who are worse off than you. there are soooooo many.

Some people would kill to have the only thing wrong with their body being a little 'flab'.

My sister would love simply to be able to stand.

If thats the only thing wrong in your life, I think you're pretty lucky.

:)

wow your story sounds so much like mine. Im 20 and have lost over 60 pounds since my senior yr of high school. I still have absolutely no self confidence and always feel awkard in social situations...thinking im not good enough. I feel very untoned as well and have a little loose skin. I really dont know how to gain self esteem I just wanted to let you know that your not the only one who feels this way. I think the one thing we will need to accept is our bodies will not be model perfect ( even model's bodies arent model perfect). Prehaps we should just keep working on toning our bodies and start rewarding ourselves for our accomplishments instead of constantly focusing on the things we are trying to fix.   

I'll give you the benefit of the therapy that I am paying for...my therapist told me that self esteem doesn't come from how you look, but it comes from feeling accomplishment and achievement. I would suggest that you look outside your weight loss for things that make you feel that. Even it is as simple as hiking further than you thought you could (which for me is a big deal). Maybe you will find it in your career/education. At 19, I didn't appreciate my body at all. I would kill to have my body at 19. You are doing well. Take care of yourself, do what you love, and appreciate your body. 

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I know that I really don't have a lot to worry about, and that there are probably billions to trillions of people who are worse of than I am. But thinking about that only makes me feel selfish and like I'm such a horrible person for worrying about myself rather than others that I am even more worthless than I already think I am. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm selfish but...the way I think of it, everyone has that right. They may not be as "bad off" as other people, but that doesn't stop them from feeling the way that they feel.

The problem with me focusing on other things that I am good at is that I don't really know what I am good at, what I have achieved, etc. I know I'm good at school. I've always been a straight-A student. But I really don't have any hobbies or interests that I can pick out. There is nothing that I can call my own. I don't know what my talents are or anything. I'm sure I have them, but they are nothing special enough for me to recognize them. Which is why I probably have such a hard time with confidence. I don't know what I should be confident about.

Original Post by lunaropal:

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I know that I really don't have a lot to worry about, and that there are probably billions to trillions of people who are worse of than I am. But thinking about that only makes me feel selfish and like I'm such a horrible person for worrying about myself rather than others that I am even more worthless than I already think I am. So yeah, I'm sorry I'm selfish but...the way I think of it, everyone has that right. They may not be as "bad off" as other people, but that doesn't stop them from feeling the way that they feel.

The problem with me focusing on other things that I am good at is that I don't really know what I am good at, what I have achieved, etc. I know I'm good at school. I've always been a straight-A student. But I really don't have any hobbies or interests that I can pick out. There is nothing that I can call my own. I don't know what my talents are or anything. I'm sure I have them, but they are nothing special enough for me to recognize them. Which is why I probably have such a hard time with confidence. I don't know what I should be confident about.

Ok ... so just pick something!  Talents don't have to be discovered; they can be cultivated as well.

You mention that you want to have more muscle tone and, in general, be more comfortable in your body.  So why not pick an activity and make it your goal to become accomplished in it?  It could be anything ... yoga, weightlifting, jogging, tennis, hiking, frisbee golf ... whatever!  I guarantee that after you spend enough time cultivating your talent, you will be better at it than when you started and that should make you feel good about yourself and what you're capable of.

Well, I'm 240lbs at 5'4 (making me much larger than you) and have self-confidence to spare. I haven't always, I had a lot of problems with depression, self-image, and self worth in high school (and I was smaller then!) and I've worked really hard to get out of it. While I'm in no way offering a fix-all, I give you some ideas of what I did.

Everyone here is right, find other things to be proud of and it will lessen your focus on your image. Now, that doesn't mean it won't bother you at all, so here are some more specific suggestions for that:
1. Get rid of your full length mirror. Almost everyone I know, skinny or obese, looks at themselves in the mirror in the morning and thinks something negative about themselves. If you can't make that stop, get rid of it. It's a horrible way to start your day.
2. Spend some time and money on clothes you love. You get up in the morning, put on an outfit you love that you know is flattering, you don't even have the full length mirror to tell you otherwise, so you just start your day knowing you look good.
3. Take pride in your efforts and health. While you should work to stop comparing yourself to others, in the meantime take up exercise. Notice that you dislike yourself because of comparisons to others, but if you compared to others worse off than you, it wouldn't work that way. Personally, I give in a bit at the gym. Not in a bad way, I just get a catty bit of satisfaction when someone sz 2 gets off a machine and then I get on and I have to double the resistance.
4. Its all in your head. You know this. Play this game: every time you unintentionally think something negative about yourself, write something positive about yourself. At the very least, strive to keep your self-perception 50-50 good vs. bad.
5. As for the guys, if you could be your ideal weight tomorrow, and every guy you met suddenly wanted you, wouldn't it bother you? Personally, it would make me think they just wanted me because I was 'pretty,' and I'm not sure I would even be capable of liking someone who liked me skinny but had never shown any interest in me fat. Of course I have bad days when I think I would take this annoyance if it meant not being overweight, but in general, I think it would annoy me.
6. A lot of unskinny people are married, in love, happy, content. A lot of skinny people are miserable and alone. It's not the deciding factor in your life. Just chuck that idea. You own your life, your body does not.

Luna,

First I want to say you are a good person just the way you are today. I'm in therapy and my therapist suggested posting little notes in places I go in my house every day and when I get up in the morning read them out loud to myself and let the thought sink in. I even have some in my car so I focus on the good things I do for myself and others. Another thing I love to do is volunteer or make RAK calls. Now you're asking what RAK is; random acts of kindness. I recently lost one of my ladies I called every week to see how she was doing. She fought a long and hard battle with cancer and had just lost her husband 5 months before she passed. Sometimes reaching out beyond ourselves makes a huge difference in how you feel about yourself. There are so many people who live alone or have no family contact that need that special someone to touch their lives in a positive way. It doesn't take up a lot of time, but I will tell you the rewards are worth the time!

Auntiec55

self-acceptance or get in shape....

wow maxxim, way to be rude.

If you check her stats, her weight is fine

Plus, body image and self-acceptance aren't actually related to someone's weight (it's my area of research in psychology). In all weight brackets, from underweight to obese, there's a pretty even distribution of body image. So, not only is your comment impolite, it's also incorrect in that getting in shape won't necessarily help her, or anyone else's body image (there is some effect right after weight loss, but otherwise, not so much. Come on, anorexics have horrible body images.)

Minda you are an inspiration. A lady who was a therapist at an ed program I was at was full figured. Anyhow she had such self esteem and confidence. She said she would get neg comments from people but she did not care because there were many people who loved her full figure and she was happy. 10 years later and I have met many people like therapists around ed's I still think of her. I have been so many different weights in my life and never have I been happy. That is becuase it is within that is not and I focus on the out. I understand not feeling like you have a lot going on but trying different things like the other poster stated. You don't have to be amazing at it. Like I am so un artisitic but I still like to paint,bead.

Hi Luna,

Your concern is definitely not unique. I've been there, still am there, and I'm certainly not the only one who is feeling your pain.

But I do have a suggestion. You might want to look into reading up a bit on cognitive behavioral therapy. It sounds scarier than it is, but once you read up on it, it is completely simple (sometimes too simple). Essentially, it teaches you some basic life skills and how to cope with the negative self-talk that is making you feel bad about yourself. After all, the low self-esteem you have? That's entirely coming from you. You could look like a sexy fitness model or be making a seven-figure salary, but still feel utterly worthless. Sure, those factors might lessen the blow a bit, but ultimately, the problem with self-esteem comes from you not meeting your own (sometimes impossible) expectations. For example, you could look your physical best, but still beat yourself up for not turning every head in the room.

Monitor your own thoughts. See what you're telling yourself whenever you slip into that negative stage. Are you making overgeneralizations? For example: My arms are flabby, I'm so hideous.  Challenge that for a minute. Your arms do not marr your entire appearance, nor are they something that can't be fixed with a bit of work. A more positive thought would be: My arms are a little flabby, but I can work on them. In the meantime, I'll just cover them up with some strategic fashion choices and still look great.

I strongly encourage you to look into that program. It will help you if you're willing to do a bit of work and don't mind feeling a little 'unnatural' questioning your thoughts, at first. With time, you'll eventually internalize those strategies and use those skills to lead a postive, happy life.

Good luck!

Original Post by minda_spk:

wow maxxim, way to be rude.

If you check her stats, her weight is fine

Plus, body image and self-acceptance aren't actually related to someone's weight (it's my area of research in psychology). In all weight brackets, from underweight to obese, there's a pretty even distribution of body image. So, not only is your comment impolite, it's also incorrect in that getting in shape won't necessarily help her, or anyone else's body image (there is some effect right after weight loss, but otherwise, not so much. Come on, anorexics have horrible body images.)

 most of the comments on this page like most pages on this cite is not helpful when it comes to weight or body issues. "find a talent?" "read a book?". You are kidding me. Luna is obviously unhappy about certain parts of her body. It is either just psychological or she is really just unhappy physically. To find that out, go and try to fix the problem areas that you feel needs improvement and see if that really makes you happy. I used to think I had too chubby of a face compared to my body and I would hate seeing myself in pictures. I then planned to drink lots of water, cut the fatty foods and go running, since I heard running slims the face. Concentrating on my face, I didn't realize I was helping myself in improving my health, my body and my mind. One good thing will lead to another.

If you do all you can and are still unhappy then it will probably turn out to be some psychological esteem issue which you will then seek advice for after. But start with the body and if the body helps the mind then stick to it, rather than going straight to fixin the mind. that would take longer and cause more stress in my opinion. getting in great shape like what you want will not only improve your body, health but it should also help the mind and relieves stress.

Minda, I do believe that you are and expert in psychology. All I can say is, this is CalorieCount.com

"Health is the Greatest Wealth"