Should girls take the initiative in dating?

Whenever a guy is attracted to me, I feel like it's for all the wrong reasons, all the work I have to do to look physically attractive and pretend to be interested and impressed by what he has to say. I just can't help it, I always feel like I have to be this passive feminine girl in order for guys to like me. They do, they're flattered and like being supported and recieving attention.

But this semester, I'm taking this 8am English class and I always show up looking like crap or in my work out clothes. Also in the classroom setting, I'm in my academic mentality so I participate a lot in class and act like an intellectual, not a passive feminine girl trying to please some self centered guy. I didn't expect to attract anyone because from my experience guys are only attracted to me when I'm not intimidating. But this really intelligent and sweet guy has been talking to me and we even talk after class. I can't believe he's paying any attention to me! If he likes me the way I am, without all the work I have to do to impress him, then he is amazing! I have 5 more weeks left in class with him and I hope he'll ask me out or something because I've never met a guy like him. Usually I never take initiate, I just wait for the guy to ask me. But my friend said that sometimes guys are too shy and a potential relationship can slip away if both people are too shy about taking initiative.

So, this guy is too good of a catch to let slip away! I don't want to be 45 and in some loveless marriage with a mysoginistic husband and regret not trying harder when I was 21 and met this wonderful guy. I've never taken initiative before to show someone I like them or ask them out. So I was wondering if anyone has advice for me or any experience with girls taking initiative in dating. What do you think?

Youve already got a friendly repoire with him - maybe you can toss out the topic that it would be fun if you guys went and did something together, without the formality of a specific date request.  Its a great way to possibly open the door for him or decide by his reaction whether to press for something more specific. 

It doesnt have to be "I like you" if you arent comfortable being that forward.  You can test the waters with "We should go out to the movies or something" and if he's receptive you can mutually work it out, if he doesnt outright take the bait.  You can also drop it if he's backs off and continue with the classroom friendship, keeping open to it and by the end of the classes, you can still outright ask him.

YES!! Women should let go of the old fashion ideas of the man making the first move.  Just try asking him if he wants to hang out sometime after class, and see what happens from there. 

Thanks for the advice sun123 and hippieflower! I think I'm really insecure when it comes to dating. I always end up attracting creeps or idiots and I settle because I feel like I don't deserve better. I don't know why I have this notion that I can't be myself and attractive as a girl. Well, I guess from some personal experiences and also from my best friend and what she's going through right now.

My best friend is a 26 year old medical student and has never had a boyfriend. She is really fun and intelligent (obviously if she is in medical school) and speaks her mind. I admire her a lot and love hanging out with her. So we're both completely puzzled as to why she is still single. A friend gave her this book of rules of dating or rules for getting a guy and it's ridiculous. Basically all the rules emphasize being passive, taking up little room with body language, not laughing too loud, and always make the guy do all the work (pay for things, drive, make plans) in a relationship. It sounded like so much work and I wondered if dating is really like this. People always say to "be yourself" but you can't really be yourself right? You have to be considerate of some things and not offend people with your extreme opinions or bad habits.

you sound like you are smart enough to know if and why someone likes you.  What do you have to lose?  I say go for it.......BUT, in a very casual manner so not to make him feel like he has to make a decision............"how about coffee sometime, so we can talk more?" comes to mind.  Or, "here's my phone number, if you want to talk more".  Sometime along those lines.  No........the coffee sometime is too vague.  Make it, "how about coffee, after your last class".

IMHO yes, you can be yourself, but I think its best waiting until after a guy gets to know you.

You wouldn't recognize me, dressed up compared to my normal, hiking clothes, glasses, no makeup.  I keep laughing that, when I look my worse is when I have more men start conversations with me.  Maybe I look more approachable then.

good luck and let us know how it goes.

I say go for it!! It may be a little 'weird' for a girl to ask a guy out if they've only just met, while guys are perfectly normal for flirting with girls before they even know each other's names. Depends on the situation really. But if you've already been in class together and talking after class together then there's really no reason not to. =) You don't have to specify a DATE. You could just go somewhere as friends. If he's interested, he'll get the point. If he's not, you'll still be friends. Good luck! =)

Are there any events going on soon? Ask if he's going, and then if he wants to go with you. Or see if he wants to grab lunch later. Work with what you think his interests might be. =)

This story sounds very familiar!!  Maybe it's because it's how my BF and I started dating.  (We just passed 3 years)  Anyway, it was a night class that we were in.  I casually asked him to come celebrate my friend's (who was in the same class) birthday with us.  This is not exactly how we started dating, but it opened the door for him to ask me out.  I was never really comfortable with asking guys out, but my friend talked me into inviting him.  After we got out of the classroom setting it was easier to flirt and get to know each other.  I never put on a show for him...I've always been myself.  I'm really glad that I played the game differently with him because I've never been happier! 

Yup, its very true there are some guys that are too shy to take initiative. No matter how long you wait with those type, nothing will happen and eventually the opportunity will pass.

Chances are if they are really shy like that, they will also be slow to jump to conclusions. So if you ask him to help with homework or something (thinking it might be a good way to get him to ask you out)... he might simply think it really is only because you need help with homework and not cross his mind that your interested in him.

 Ask him out already. I know how you feel but im on the other end. When I go out and see all these woman dolled up while every guy who owns a polo shirt circles the field waiting for one to break holding pattern, it makes me feel sick. You just cant base a relationship on how fast you got 'picked up' nor would your grand kids wanna hear about how you guys met in a night club.

I say go for it, im jealous :) The one you lose may be the one you regret

I realized the other day that I've never been asked out on a first date. I have always been the initiator. While I'd like to be asked out sometimes, it's nice to have the power of doing it yourself and knowing that you didn't miss out on something because you thought he would say something. Go for it!

In all the years that I was single, I never asked out a guy, preferring to just be friendly and wait for him to ask me out.

For what it's worth, I am now 42 and happily married to the most wonderful man on earth.

=^..^= MOLLY

Wow, thanks for all the advice everybody. I feel so embarassed for needing help with this. I don't know, I'm really mature and confident in all other areas of my life except when it comes to boys. I've dated but not because I was crazy about the guy, I've mostly dated for the sake of dating, because everyone tells me it's something a girl my age should do.

But this time, the guy is really special and smart. I get so excited to talk to him my mind just goes blank and I say nonsense stuff. But I'm gonna go for it! If it works out, I owe everybody who gave me support and the courage to do it. Well, it's easier said than done... I can see myself asking him to hang out and just stuttering and drooling or crossing my eyes. I got my wisdom teeth removed a month ago and the oral surgeon struck a nerve so I lost feeling in my chin and part of my lower lip. Everyone tells me I don't look weird when I talk but I feel self conscious about looking deformed or and talking funny. Maybe I'll practice in the mirror or on my dad. OMG I'm 21 not 11! D-d-d-d-do you wa-wa-wannna d-d-d-dooo something sommmmme time???

If it works out, I owe everybody who gave me support and the courage to do it.

How about you just owing us a followup how it goes?  :D

Regarding you feelings of being self consious with how you feel you talk due to the surgery, its not a blind date - hes been talking with you up to now.  You say he's a really sweet guy and he probably thinks you are too.  Time to find out what else he thinks about you - good luck! 

Chances are he will just find it more endearing if you slip up while asking. If he has any interest at all (and even if he didnt), the most important part is letting him know your interested also... as long as that gets across the details of how doesnt really matter much.

those rules are silly.  If I had followed those rules, I wouldn't be getting married to my awesome man and would probably be with some total loser, seeing as I've only been asked out maybe 3 times in my life all by people I'd never want to date.

my man is very shy and never would have asked me out- I had to do it, and I would have missed out BIG TIME.  His shyness is a plus for me too, because I know he won't be flirting or worse.

I did it! :-D Ahhhh I could explode with happiness right now.

Last week I talked to him and he mentioned that he really wanted to see the movie Juno so I thought maybe I could ask him to see that movie. I went and gave blood platelets on Tuesday and the donor center gave me 4 free movie tickets to this theater that shows Juno. So I told him I had the movie tickets and asked him to see Juno with me. He said yes! So we're gonna go see the movie tomorrow. I always feel really awkward with formal dates. Should I just treat it like a casual outing with any friend or should I be suggestive about my interest in him?

I want to jump on a trampoline right now! :-D

congratulations.  I'm so happy for you that it worked out.  I know you'll have fun.l