Girls in recovery: does a dieting friend trigger you?`

My best friend is recovering from an ED right now and I'm trying to lose weight. I'm doing it the healthy way - I am getting a lot of activity and I'm eating 1800 nutritious calories a day - but I'm worried when she sees me eating (or turning down) certain things it could trigger her. Like when she says, "Do you want to order a pizza?" in the middle of the afternoon and I KNOW I can't eat that I'll say something like, "I'm not hungry right now, I just had lunch and I'm eating soon, but you can order one if you'd like" which I HOPE is not triggering but I'm just worried she's thinking, "Oh no, pizza's bad, I can't eat pizza". And when she asks me, "What did you do today?" and I know that morning I went for a run I feel guilty telling her....like she might think she's not good enough for not doing the same thing.

I just don't want to hurt her progress - but I don't want to hurt mine either. I really need to lose this weight - I'm hovering around the overweight line and none of my clothes fit. 

That's a pretty tricky situation. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but i'm definitely not normal with food and weight. So, i know that the littlest things can be triggering. However, you're also right when you say that you don't want to hurt yourself in the process of protecting your friend.

Everyone's different with what's triggering, and how things affect them, so my advice can only help to the extent that i know how things are for me (if it can help at all). If you're saying things like, "I'm not hungry right now, I just had lunch and I'm eating soon, but you can order one if you'd like," it is much less likely to be triggering than if you said, "No, i can't eat that." It's reasonable to not eat if you're not hungry and know that you have to eat dinner soon, or something like that.
I can't say for sure that she won't be affected by this, but it seems like you're saying things in the best way possible. I know that i can twist things around in unimaginable ways to make them tell me i shouldn't eat. But that's MY problem, and it's not the fault of those who are speaking.

When you said, "I know i can't eat that," about the pizza, it made me want to make sure that you know that any food is okay in moderation. It's better to allow yourself an appropriate amount of "unhealthy" food when you want it than to deprive yourself. I can see how it could be easier in the beginning to cut these foods out of your diet, but it's not realistic or healthy to have "bad" foods you're not allowed to eat long term.

Does it seem like she's bothered by your trying to lose weight? Maybe see how she's reacting when you say things, and if you have any concern that she's overthinking what you say, talk to her straight up about it. Like, tell her that you're concerned, and that you don't want to hurt her, but that you just want to do this for you. Use the facts you wrote above - "I'm hovering around the overweight line and none of my clothes fit," to show her that it's because of those reasons. It's more reasonable to be trying to lose weight in a situation like yours, than if you don't have any solid benefits to lose weight. Like, if your clothes fit fine and you were securely in the healthy weight range, the situation might be different.

Also, i'm hoping that your dieting and weight goals are healthy in the sense that you're only going to lose weight until you get to the place you want to be, and then stop there and work to maintain, not lose more weight. If this is true, explain this to her as well.

Man, i'm writing so much. Sorry! There's just so much that's like, "if this, then ___ but if ___ then ___ unless ___" haha.

Well, i hope something in here helps!

I don't really have anything to say about your situation - and I'm sorry.
However, I just felt the need to say that I wish there were more people out there as considerate as you are. You sound like a true friend to this girl. =) Thank you.

honestly...i hate to say it but yes it probably is triggering to her because it WAS and continues to be triggering for me. at the same time, you have to do what is right for you.

it will help her if you are aware of what you're saying that might be triggering. so avoid talking about how much weight you need to lose, how much you've lost, how many calories you're eating, what exercise you're doing....basically anything related to food or weight should be avoided. she likely will not delight in your progress because it's moving towards what she's moving away from...if you get what i mean. she might feel that she is becoming more imperfect while you are becoming more perfect.

you are incredibly sweet to care enough to ask and i wish i had a friend like you!! :) basically, just don't make your relationship with her about her progress or yours, move away from weight and weight related things. maybe try eating a slice of pizza every now and then if it doesn't bother you too much. try to anticipate those situations so that you can enjoy those foods without compromising your diet and without triggering her, but if that can't be done then don't eat it. you have to find a balance between what is good for you and what you can do for her. i hope this helps!! :)

Original Post by chrissy1988:

honestly...i hate to say it but yes it probably is triggering to her because it WAS and continues to be triggering for me. at the same time, you have to do what is right for you.

it will help her if you are aware of what you're saying that might be triggering. so avoid talking about how much weight you need to lose, how much you've lost, how many calories you're eating, what exercise you're doing....basically anything related to food or weight should be avoided. she likely will not delight in your progress because it's moving towards what she's moving away from...if you get what i mean. she might feel that she is becoming more imperfect while you are becoming more perfect.

you are incredibly sweet to care enough to ask and i wish i had a friend like you!! :) basically, just don't make your relationship with her about her progress or yours, move away from weight and weight related things. maybe try eating a slice of pizza every now and then if it doesn't bother you too much. try to anticipate those situations so that you can enjoy those foods without compromising your diet and without triggering her, but if that can't be done then don't eat it. you have to find a balance between what is good for you and what you can do for her. i hope this helps!! :)

 great advice.. and the part about "perfect vs. imperfect" is dead on (at least in my opinion anyways.

anything to do for yourself to make you 'better' or to improve, is well, "selfish". When you put yourself first instead of another you are being 'selfish'. It's not necessarily bad, but when it comes to weight/diet/excersize, you are ultimately doing it for YOU not someone else. YOU want to lose weight. YOU want to feel better. YOU want to be healthy. YOU want to be toned and fit. YOU want to be sexy and confident... of course others may support your efforts and enjoy the new you (ex: your bf or husband: more confidence=more sexy time!) But others may also see this as negative, as you become "better" they fall behind. Competiveness and jealousy come into play.

I can relate to this completely.. while I was gaining weight my friend was losing. I went from 87lbs to 114lbs at 5'2, while she went from 160lbs to less then 130lbs at 5'8... needless to say it was extremely difficult. I actually started avoiding her, and now we arn't friends anymore.

I think it's pathetic and selfish of me to grow apart from someone who has stuck by me for the past couple years as my BEST FRIEND, and it was all to do with weight and ED stuff... but unlike you, she didnt try to avoid the topic. Instead she'd give up an update of how much weight she lost everytime we spoke, and she would say oh-so triggering things like "I'm not even hungry anymore" "Eating is boring" "Sometimes I forget to eat" "I slept all evening and never had supper yesterday" etc. etc..

Have you tried talking to her? You should. You obviously care enough about your friendship to do so. It may be an awkward topic but you should really try to get her view on things and work something out.

But in the meantime avoid food/diet/weight related topics

first off, kudos for the consideration.

i dont necessarily agree with you being called "selfish" because you are looking after you. you dont live for other people, nor do other people live for you. if you would feel better and be healthier (i dont know your stats) then i think you have every right to be on a diet.

you are not responsible for what triggers your friend. and frankly i think she would be selfish to start moaning on at you. you are doing this in a sensible and healthy way. dieting is something which you are perfectly entitled to do. and as an ED sufferer i think we find it far to easy to blame anything as a trigger. it is up to your friend to see past her own ED.

if i was an alcoholic i wouldnt expect all my friends to give up drinking. i probably wouldnt go to the pub with them and in my company i would prob try keep the activity drink free, but the alcoholism is my problem. not theirs.

keep the topic of conversation off weight, and calories and i think you are being an awesome friend.

Personally, I don't find friends 'dieting' in a healthy and sensible way triggering at all. If anything, I find that we tend to club together in order to attain health, which for me means gaining weight and for them means cutting down on certain things. Obviously if they go on about it ALL the time and say stupid stuff like 'I only eat 1000calories a day' or 'I don't eat carbs' then that pisses me off and is triggering, but providing it's healthy and balanced, like what you're doing, I see no problem.

Part of ED recovery is realising that you need to do what's right for your own body, and that other people AREN'T on weight-gain diets. For years I was foul to my Mum every time she refused to eat a meal the same size as mine, but now I'm realising that it's nothing to do with her; I need to gain weight because that's what MY body needs - hers doesn't.

Since I have had my ed many years on and off I have met a lot of friends through inpatient and like I have said in the past my mom has anorexia who is also my best friend. I have talked how this is hard issue the comparing but remaining focused on what I need to do and not to glorify the ed. I know rationally that everyone is different and what is healthy for one person is not for another. Also when someone does have an ed thinking of all that ed has taken away rather then what you feel at the time is good about it which in reality to the non ed person is nothing. I don't want to have to stay away from all the people who I care about because of the ed. It has taken away so much already to loose more friends and family would just be more and would make for even a smaller life. I do try to not talk about food/weight and do things that are not food related always like a movie. Just a few thoughts

i had an eating disorder and at first would find it hard when people didnt want the last slice of pizza and i still did or me wanting to order food when they didnt and found it hard not to spiral but its something i had to get used to and so will your friend bying wont help her just dont rub the diet in her face to much the diet that is

for the record I wasn't calling you selfish... I missed mentioning the part about EDs being rather egocentric. (oops) When dealing with an ED it becomes more about you and controlling you; what you eat; what you do; when you do it. Anxiety arises when something blocks or inhibits your 'behaviours'

I still find it extremely difficult to openly mention to my boyfriend, friends or family that I'm hungry. (I eat 5-6 times a day) and I don't want them to think I'm a cow... I wait until someone else mentions food/hunger and then I will agree. Because if someone else is hungry then it is "okay" for me to be hungry.. if no one else eats, then I won't either. OR I will ditch and go find food and eat in secret by myself. I don't like being the only one eating in a room, unless its only me, myself, and I...

I am complusive and get very frusterated when I am prevented from eating. I like to eat every 2-3 hours to keep my metabolism up and prevent overeating. So when I can't do so because of another person, it comes off to me as if they are saying "you don't need to eat" hinting towards me being fat or something.

But even in my ED days, you'd think I'd relish in the fact that someone is depriving me of food. Wrong. It made me even more frusterated, as I only allowed myself a certain amount of food so let me have it!!!

When it comes down to it, it is all about me. And yes, we're responsible for ourselves and doing what is right for us. But we have to draw the line somewhere. Once it starts becoming so much about you that it interferes with life then it goes bad. (I'm not referring to you)

Your friend is trying to do what's best for her, and your trying to do whats best for you. But unfortunately these things are extact opposites of eachother. I think the only thing that you can do is be supportive of her and avoid interferring with her progress. EDs can be a very touchy subject, but you should try talking to her and work something out.

But it would probably be best that you do most of your diet stuff on your own time (ie: exercise, groceries, meal planning, eating etc.) Although do schedual some nights out. Use your 'cheat days' for dinner outtings, and avoid ordering "I'm-on-a-diet-foods" (ie: salad no dressing, diet soda, no bread, butter, etc.) Avoid such behaviours as blotting grease off your pizza or saying "I'm gonna get fat if I eat that" etc... basically common sense. Don't be triggering, but don't eat "bad" just to make her feel better.

nicely elaborated on carmenox :D

yeah i think its about balance. you're friend was just another ed waiting to happen, the way she went about it. but i think actually as sensibly as you're doing it, it may be inspirational for her to see you can eat a pretty good amount of food and be healthy.

Original Post by carmenxox:

for the record I wasn't calling you selfish... I missed mentioning the part about EDs being rather egocentric. (oops) When dealing with an ED it becomes more about you and controlling you; what you eat; what you do; when you do it. Anxiety arises when something blocks or inhibits your 'behaviours'

I still find it extremely difficult to openly mention to my boyfriend, friends or family that I'm hungry. (I eat 5-6 times a day) and I don't want them to think I'm a cow... I wait until someone else mentions food/hunger and then I will agree. Because if someone else is hungry then it is "okay" for me to be hungry.. if no one else eats, then I won't either. OR I will ditch and go find food and eat in secret by myself. I don't like being the only one eating in a room, unless its only me, myself, and I...

I am complusive and get very frusterated when I am prevented from eating. I like to eat every 2-3 hours to keep my metabolism up and prevent overeating. So when I can't do so because of another person, it comes off to me as if they are saying "you don't need to eat" hinting towards me being fat or something.

But even in my ED days, you'd think I'd relish in the fact that someone is depriving me of food. Wrong. It made me even more frusterated, as I only allowed myself a certain amount of food so let me have it!!!

When it comes down to it, it is all about me. And yes, we're responsible for ourselves and doing what is right for us. But we have to draw the line somewhere. Once it starts becoming so much about you that it interferes with life then it goes bad. (I'm not referring to you)

Your friend is trying to do what's best for her, and your trying to do whats best for you. But unfortunately these things are extact opposites of eachother. I think the only thing that you can do is be supportive of her and avoid interferring with her progress. EDs can be a very touchy subject, but you should try talking to her and work something out.

But it would probably be best that you do most of your diet stuff on your own time (ie: exercise, groceries, meal planning, eating etc.) Although do schedual some nights out. Use your 'cheat days' for dinner outtings, and avoid ordering "I'm-on-a-diet-foods" (ie: salad no dressing, diet soda, no bread, butter, etc.) Avoid such behaviours as blotting grease off your pizza or saying "I'm gonna get fat if I eat that" etc... basically common sense. Don't be triggering, but don't eat "bad" just to make her feel better.

 Wow. That was seriously like listening to myself - I can relate EXACTLY to everything you said. Thank you!

In my opinion, you should be really straight up with her and tell her the truth. Say, "My doctor thinks I ought to lose a little bit of weight to get healthy, and he's given me a diet plan to follow."

That way she knows that not only are you losing weight for the right reasons (i.e., you're actually getting too heavy, your bmi is too high, you're not as healthy as you'd like, etc etc) but you have approval from someone who would not let you eating disorder yourself (your doctor).

Then, next time she asks you if you want a pizza (which you CAN still eat, btw, if you go for the vegetarian with a thin crust, that's what I do) and you don't want to eat it, tell her the truth, "You can get one if you want, but I want to try and stick to my diet. It sounds yummy, though." Let her know that you think eating pizza is OKAY, not BAD -- not "Pizza's bad, I can't have that", rather "Pizza is so good, it sounds really yummy right now, but I am just about to 1800 calories today and I really should stop."

If you say to her, "Oh, I'm not hungry, I had a big lunch, I don't like pizza, I ate already today" etc etc, you're basically using the same tactics that she likely used when she was eating disodered. She, herself, probably said things like, "I'm not hungry" when she was burningly hungry, or "I ate a big lunch" when she hadn't eaten at all. To me, using those traditional e.d. excuses would be much more of a trigger than just being honest.

Moreover, just hear her out. Say to her, "If my diet is going to be a problem for you, let me know and we can work out something that will make you and I both happy. I really do need to lose a little weight, but I don't want to make you feel triggered in the process. Is there anyway that we can make this work?"

She's your best friend. You're going to spend a lot of time with her, and more than that, hers is the kind of support you'd love to have while you're trying to diet. She's your best friend -- you've always been able to tell eachother anything and everything, and this is one of those things that you should talk to her about.

She's your best friend, she'll understand.

Hope that helps.

xo ari

the post above me actually really is excellent advice.

Thanks for all the advice guys - I'm really taking it to heart! I'm going to try and avoid the topic of food and I definitely won't call myself fat or anything and I won't refer to any food as bad. I'll try and avoid the topic all together - and if we have to eat together than I'll try and just be normal with food. It's pretty clear that I've gained about 15 pounds recently and she can probably see that I want it off - it's not like I'm trying to lose weight from the size I've always been. I don't know if that makes a difference or what. 

I'm not going to eat poorly just because I'm with her - but I will try to eat normally and healtfully - not "diet"-y. The truth is - I don't like pizza, burgers, anything like that so it's not like she's seeing me suddenly refuse to eat something that I've always eaten with her. I'm also avoiding telling her I'm going to the gym. I go everyday but I don't see a need to mention it. I hope this will be enough and thanks again for all the advice!

so weird I am in this situation at the moment.  My friend is trying to lose and I am trying to gain.  Just the other night I got ice cream for my night snack and what does she have? a piece of celery.  Things like that are triggering for me because I second guess myself.  But my mom said just worry about yourself which is what I am trying to do.  It is hard though for me personally to watch her eat things like nutrisystem foods.  Or when she talks about gosh I need to lose weight.  But i just try to ignore it and remind myself that I am needing to gain weight at the moment to be healthy and she is trying to lose to be healthy (even though she looks completely fine to me). 

I just wanted to update you all since you've been so helpful :)

My friend is starting extensive outpatient this week and I think she's getting to a point where she really wants to get better. She's not on a weight gain diet yet but I'm sure that will be the next step. I know she's trying to eat more and eat better without binging and I'm trying to help her with that. The other day we made cookies together and both ate a similar amount of batter and cookies - two cookies and about a spoonful worth of dough. It was bad but it was good - and I don't think she thought of it as a binge. 

Every once in a while she'll suggest ridiculous food things - like I had 3 or 4 friends over at about 10 pm and she called me before and asked if we should order a pizza. I think she's just trying to get a sense of what's normal eating - not too much or too little. I said, "Well I just had dinner, I'm not really hungry, but if you or your boyfriend want pizza that's fine". She didn't bring it over and I hope I didn't upset her or anything. I'm willing to fit in "treats" when I'm eating with her but I can't have treat days everyday, and I prefer that treats are what I love - and to be honest I don't love pizza. I don't eat for anyone else but myself and if I don't want pizza, I'm not going to have it. I think what would be worse is ordering the pizza and picking at it like she used to do in her ED (pick off the cheese and eat 1 or 2 bites before claiming fullness and passing it off).

The other day I showed up at her house and she noticed (accused) me of losing weight. I said really simply and matter of factly, "Well I'm trying to eat better...I put on quite a bit of weight this past year and I'd like to get it off". Not, "I'm a fat lard and I need to lose weight" or "yeah I've been working out 7 days a week and I've only lost 2 pounds!", just simply and basically, "I'm trying to eat better and lose a bit of weight". I hope that wasn't too triggering.

I'm trying to be a good friend and I really hope I'm not hurting her recovery. Thanks again for all your advice!

it sounds to me like you are being a great mate. but the key thing is not to fall into her trap of getting you to eat the way she needs to eat. because you are not suffering a disorder.

i think the way you said straight out that "last year u put on a bit of weight which you werent happy with and you are now trying to eat better" is an honest valid answer. she needs to find herself and you are doing a great job of both encouraging that.

in the early days of recovery the sufferer of an ED and the people around her are very sensitive to weight changes both on you and her. like i had anorexia. i went to hospital for a long time. and due to meds and more issues i put on more weight than i was happy with. over the course of a year i have lost about 12kg. i am absolutely healthy but people see me and see the difference and are very sensitive to me slipping. similarly when i see one of my mates who's lost weight it immediately plays on my mind.

but not a 10th as much as it used to. so its just about desensitization. your bud'll get used to it!!