My [God willing] Recovery

Hi, I've been a member of CC for sometime, but I created this profile to protect my anonymity. I consider CC to be a great site of caring and informed people coming together to help eachother, which is why I chose to tell my story for the first time here.

I am a 17 year old male, '5"6-'5"7 130 lbs. My lowest weight was only 125. I never dropped below the recommended healthy weight for my height, but unfortunately, I did develope an eating disorder that has controlled my life for far too long.

I obsessed over food every second of everyday, planned my day around my meals, missed out on so much in life, and put my body through hell, all in the name of weight loss.

I reached my goal weight of 150 (i started at 210) and thought that i could never be happier. I was nervous about changing my eating habits for maintainance, and figured I would aim for 145, just in case I gained a little bit back trying to maintain. I reached my new goal of 145, but i wasn't as satisfied as i thought i'd be, so i kept dieting. I hit 140 and people were beginning to worry. They told me that I had lost so much and that I should be careful, 70 pounds is a huge weight loss, even though 140 isnt that tiny for my height. I convinced my family and my doctor that i was satisfied with 140, and i almost convinced myself. I started taking diet pills (i told myself that it would enable me to eat more and not gain all my weight back, but really I was still trying to lose). I creeped down through the 130's. Friends, family, and doctors worried, and warned, and cried, and tried their best to convince me to stop. I told them I was trying, that I didn't know why I was still losing.

My body began desperately craving food, and i developed a binge/restrict habit. I'd eat until i felt like i was going to die from organ failure, then i'd eat very little for a week after. I got down to 125, and suprise suprise, I still wasn't happy with my appearance. I denied ED to everyone, even the doctor that diagnosed me with it. I COULDNT have anarexia, because I was eating 500-800 calories everyday, anarexics fasted, I didn't skip meals. I COULDNT be bulimic, I didnt purge, i didnt even binge very often. Yet food was my obsession, i was terrified of gaining weight, 125 wasnt skinny enough, i was lying to cover my behavior and 500-800 cals a day was far far too low for a 17 year old male. I couldnt use the bathroom without miralax, i was constantly freezing, as if i was going through hypothermia, I couldnt eat as much as my 9 year old little SISTER at one time without being in pain.

I checked all the BMI charts, they all agreed that 125 was healthy, totally healthy. (that was my biggest defense against my family: MY BMI IS HEALTHY. HA!)

People started to whisper about residential treatment. Residential treatment?? What about my senior year of high school? All my college classes? My 4.0 gpa?My scholarship oppertunities? I couldn't go to residential treatment! It would ruin my life!

But i didnt change my behavior. I didnt eat more, or exercise less, but i did try to convince myself that no one would send me away to a treatment center. That couldnt happen, I wasn't underweight, 125 was healthy. Right?

I would have continued to lose, what possibly saved me was the LONGEST weight loss plateau I had ever hit. Why couldn't I get under 125? It really frustrated me on my fluctuation days when it read 126 or 127, or 131 (if I had recently binged). When I hit that plateau, I tried everything to break it. I was waking up hours earlier than I needed to, just to work out before taking my college classes and then driving to the highschool to take my highschool classes. I still couldn't get below 125, It was driving me crazy!!!!

And then, I brokedown. I couldn't do it anymore. I cried, I tossed and turned. I contemplated and fought myself from every angle. And for the first time, I won. Not the ED me, but ME. I thought the first clear thought in a very long time "WHO CARES IF YOU GAIN WEIGHT!" No one. No one cares if im fat or skinny or medium or whatever. I was ruining my life. I was driving myself crazy obsessing. I was risking everything I had worked to attain in high school, all the amazing things that I had coming my way would be lost if they sent me away to treatment.

That night was last night.

Today is recovery day one.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm beating myself up at each bite of food. But I'm eating, and I'm not running every last calorie off with exercise. I'm being honest with my parents, and I've even confided in a friend. Several emotions are running through me. The anxiety of weight gain is still there, but for the first time ever, I am stronger than the disorder.

I know the disorder isn't finished with me, one day of recovery can easily become a binge. I could wake up tomorrow and say "uh-oh i binged yesterday, time to restrict" But that wont happen, becuase I finally have my heart in it. I'll be okay. It will be a long road, and I'm already getting a taste of it. Especially the pain, my stomach has never hurt like this "2000 calories?? WTF are you trying to kill me?" Thats what I imagine my stomach is saying with all this pain.

I will try to keep everyone updated and informed, and please know that I'd love any support from you all. I'm very excited about recovery, and as it goes with most ED sufferers, once we have our eyes set on something, we don't stop until we attain it, its the nature of the disorder, and my eyes are set on recovery :)

ps. i'd especially love some feedback and advice from others who have dealt with ED in the past

Yours truely,

AIR (anonymous in recovery)

Thank you for sharing. Good luck, sweetheart. You can do this!

Dude you are an insparation. I am a 21 year old male 5'5'' who is going through the same.  I just realized, after reading you post, that I am keeping myself from recovery.  I went from 125 to 121 now after working construction all summer. Now that college is starting again I am going to school and not working.  With the insparation u just gave me and a little help from God, I am finnally going to stop fooling myself and recover from this hell I call ED.  Thanks bro you really inspired me.

You've definitely been through a lot, its so good to hear your ready to recover and get your life back.  Its really tough, I to am trying to recover and some days you just feel exhausted from trying to cope with it all, but you can do it theres a goal at the end a goal of a brighter ed free life, so just go for it.

Keep us updated

Hi, AIR,

I have never had an ED, but reading our post my heart went out to you. All I can say is that I am sending you prayers for your recovery, and wishing you the best so that you can stay strong when you have to- ask for help when times are tough, and ket you know that you are an inspirational young man for facing the truth and telling your story.

I wish you all the best in the world and will follow your progress with admiration for a young man who is ready to conquer the world.

Vera

Hi AIR,

thank you for adding me as a friend, I will be here for any support I can give - God bless -

Vera

Hi. I am sorry of your struggles. Is there a way you can do outpatient treatment? I know you stated about inpatient though I do feel health is number 1. School will always be there but the health sometimes can't wait. It sounds like you are motivated through the fears you have which is so normal. If recovery was easy it would not be called recovery.The longer you are consistent though with eating and healthy behaviors the easier it gets. Not easy but easier. The binge/restrict is common among ed suffers. My past nutritionist always reminded me that if you binge from the very next meal or snack you must get back on track. That means no restricting. Your body will never trust you otherwise. You will feel all the emotions but you must sit with it. Eds are more then just number on the scale. I have been inpatient with people who are normal weight but they have destructive habits and an ed mindset. Regardless of weight the calorie level you were on is dangerous and of course the cycle. I am not taking away from your progress and I am confused on your weight but 2000 for a 17 year old boy needs to be the starting pint. You are still growing and with activity you need a lot of fuel. Your stomach will adjust the longer you are consistent. Have you looked at the why behind all of this and the struggles you have? I hope you continue to move forward. If you want an email buddy I am here as well.

UPDATE:

(DAY THREE)

I'm getting my first real taste of recovery, and it is hell, to say the least. It messes with you emotionally and physically. However, I continue to remind myself that this is worth it, and that healthy is what I need to attain.

For anyone else is going through or has gone through recovery, is it normal to binge excessively in the early stages of recovery? I know that is the case with me, and I think it may be because my body is like "food! He's feeding us! Eat everything, in case the famine returns!"

Hopefully things will eventually balance out, and my eating patterns will normalize. I know the most important thing right now is to not restrict after my binges. If I binge, I have to suck it up. One thing that has helped is I tell myself: "You cant restrict after this binge, you cant purge, you cant take laxatives and you cant exercise excessively. If you binge, you have to live with the consequences this time, cause those calories aren't going anywhere. Welcome to recovery."

Its a good way to slap myself in the face. To remind myself that I'm trying to gain weight now, its okay. However the binging isn't only hard to deal with emotionally, they are painful. You swell, bloat, hurt, and dont feel like moving or even breathing.

I'm going to end this update with a sample of what I've eaten today (THIS LIST MAY CONTAIN FOOD THAT IS UNHEALTHY FOR SOMEONE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT, I AM TRYING TO GAIN AND RECOVER FROM ED)

Breakfast: Peanut Butter Crunch Cereal with milk

Lunch: Ice Cream, fries, fried chicken tenders [lunch was @ a fast food joint, my first time eating fast food since i developed my ED]

Snack: Fudge popscicle, yogurt, marshmellows

My cal estimate? 3000. I'm definitely feeling the pain from all the food, especially in lieu of my binges these past two days. In these last three days I've eaten more calories than I ate in the entire month of July. My stomach is very swollen and painful. But, as far as recovery goes, so far so good.Please keep sending the support, and please, feel free to read my journal for regular updates!

Ps. I plan to weigh in monday, so this is bound to be a very very emotional day for me. So please be ready to lend support :-)

Pushing forward,

AIR

im so sad to hear of your battle. Ive had an eating disorder for 14 years and like you im attempting to recover for the hundreth time but hopefully the last. I know its hard but you can do it , you can learn to control food and your life without it controlling you. its a battle but it can be done . everything your describing is totally normal , dont beat yourself up about it, just battle on and it will get better, you are not alone im always about if you ever want a chat h x

Hi AIR,

your posts are so brave - you give a true account of what you are feeling - you may have an ED, but I know that you will succeed in your recovery - and I truly believe this journey will make you an incredible strong man throughout your life - and give you the ability to help others, just by telling your story.

I hope that you know everyone who reads your journal is moved by you.

God bless, and I WILL DEFINITELY CHECK IN ON MONDAY FOR YOU.

Take care Vera

Hi AIR,

I am so proud of you for the decision you have made to become healthy and to beat ED.

You can do this. While each day will have ups and downs, focus on the ups as much as possible. You are recovering. You will recover. You are strong enough to do this. Repeat this to yourself every time it gets hard.

Please do not try to do this alone. Make an appointment to see your family doctor. Print this post and just take it with you. It will speak for you and you can then get the extra help you need to succeed.

take care,

I am so excited and so proud of you for choosing recovery!! Yay! I went through an ED when I was 17 too. I'm almost 19 now, and have not once thought of returning to ED. The first days of recovery are the hardest, but I promise you can get through it. Every time you think it's too tough just remember what made you want to recover in the first place, and all of the wonderful opportunities at the end of the road! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Best wishes,

Stacey

Hi AIR,

 I just want to say you truly are an inspiration. Like you, my innocent little "diet" spiraled out of control into anorexia. It was always that one more pound, a little less calories... I never got severly underwieght, just at the borderline of it, so I also thought that I was not sick enough and denied the truth for a very long time! I understand what a great struggle this must be for you. I am recovering as well, slowly, with many ups and downs, but I'm getting there.=) I just wanted to wish you all the best and to let you know that this is such a wonderful community to get support and a push in the right direction! Don't ever give up; be strong and keep on fighting! Your life is worth it!!!=)

UPDATE:

(Day Four)

I really felt the need to post this morning, because there is alot weighing on me right now (no pun intended).

 I was able to control the binging a little better last night, so hopefully what everyone is telling me is true, "it is normal for recovering anorexics to binge a lot at first, but it will balance out eventually". I pray that is true, but I suppose what is truely important is that even when I've binged in these first few days of recovery, I have never once purged or restricted to compensate :).

As far as how I feel goes: To put it plainly, I feel like ****. I am very bloated, I feel very heavy and gross, I am in pretty moderate pain, I am experiencing a very harsh amount of acid reflux, and I feel very lethargic. Also, I'm not lookin so hot either, I look worn, puffy, and just not well. I imagine this is my bodies way of telling me how upset it is with me. "Why did you put me through this? Why did you starve me? You aren't going to do it again are you? Please don't do it again".

Goodness, who knew recovery would be so painful? Other than physically, this morning hasn't been very forgiving mentally either. I struggled a little at breakfast this morning, trying so very hard not to read lables for calorie content. However, I still consider this morning a victory, because I drank orange juice with my breakfast, and i NEVER drink calories. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless. With all this painm and acid reflux and bloating and urges to binge, it has been tempting to restrict already this morning. The ED part of me is whispering, "Com'on! You dont need to eat breakfast! Your not hungry, your throat is killing you, let yourself feel better before you eat again."

Luckily I was able to summon enough strength to block ED-me out. I ate breakfast, despite my pain and lack of appetite. I ate breakfast, enjoyed my orange juice, and cut myself off before I could have a morning binge.

Today has already been a struggle, but I'm still pushing through, one obstacle at a time. "...Grant me the Serenity..." Lets hope things get easier. There will be highs and lows in this recovery, and today I've got to make it through this low!

Aiming for the next high,

AIR

UPDATE:

(Day Five/ Weigh in day)

Today has been quite an emotional one for me, full of ups, downs, mixed feelings, panic, and calm.

This morning I battled the urge to over execise. Admitedly, I probably shouldn't have exercised at all, but with all the binges from the refeeding, I thought a little bit would be neccessary if I wanted to gain back healthy, sustainable muscle weight, rather than just pure boddy fat. (Yes, I do here the disorder in my last statement, but that kind of thinking is what I am trying to learn to fight).

I ended up running two laps and doing some ab exercises, I was very tempted to run the rest of my old routine, but I resisted. I can thank my morning classes at the college for that, because I knew I'd need enough time to shower and so I couldnt continue my ecercise anyway.

Then came the weigh in. DUM DUM DUM *cue apocalyptic music*. The scale read a +13 lb gain from just the previous week. WTF? Panic began to set in. I had only been in recovery for four/five days! How could I already have gained 13lbs? I fought the urge to immediately give up recovery, right then and there. Then I remembered my four days of binging, and the constipation, and the bloating that I was STILL experiencing. Obviously that was a major contributing factor. I did the math (part of the disorder, once again) and saw that I would have had to consume an average of 9000 cals per day for seven days to gain thirteen pounds in one week. Surely my four days of binging (although they were very high in calories maybe 4000+) couldnt account for 13 pounds of true weight gain.

But it makes me wonder, how much have I truely gained, and how much is due to the water retention/bloating/ undigested food of my four days in a row of binge-ing? Any insight?

This whole panic attack was compounded by the fact that when I went to put on my clothes after my shower, they were fitting tighter than usual. Too tight, they were closing in on me and suffocating the life out of me. Obviously this was my imagination, but the clothes were tighter than usual. Once again, from bloating, or from true weight gain?

When I left the college to drive to the high school for my normal classes, I was nervous about what my friends would say.  "Wow, AIR, shouldn't you upgrade to a bigger size? Clinging to those skinny clothes a bit, don't you think. Time to let go, they dont fit."

But they didn't. I was even complimented on my "cute outfit". It was a boost, a shallow one, but still a boost. Only one person said they could tell a difference in the fitting of the clothes, but she said it wasn't a bad thing, and that weight gain was a goal after all. She said "eventually you will need to buy a bigger size, but who cares. You still look great, and the outfit looks good worn not so loose."

My second positive response came from my mom, who told me that she ws proud of my weight gain. She was thrilled actually, but a little disheartened when I explained I hadn't really gained 13 pounds in five days. I explained that it was impossible actually. That hurt me to have to tell her that.

My third positive moment came when my sister told me that I looked great (reffering once again to my outfit). Shallow, I know, but beneficial when my morning had started out so emotionally mind blowing. If I was bloated up so much that it made a thorteen pound difference on the scale, and I was still recieving compliments, then what was there to worry about right?

Wrong. There is sometihng to worry about, and even I can pick it out all through my post: I'M STILL LETING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT THINK ABOUT MY APPEARANCE DICTAT MY LIFE AND MY MOOD, AND EVEN MY RECOVERY.

Baby steps, right?

Ps. I'd appreciate some support, its been very emotional today. Also, any response to my highlighted question would be wonderful.

God bless,

AIR

Keep working away at it.  Your real weight really can't be determined by day to day weighing.  It's only when you look at your weight over a period of time and are able to smooth out the water retention and other spikes that you can have a reasonable idea of what you do weigh.

exactly right. If you are using the weight tracker here, it has a trend line that you should live by - not the day to day changes. Expect bloating at first. It's normal. You just keep on taking those steps.

=) You're doing a fantastic job! Take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day..it'll get better, I promise! It's hard not to over-analyse everything people say..I just had a similar experience yesterday while out with friends. They all commented on how different I look. My mind went beserk! lol. What did they mean? Am I fat? ugly? All these negative thoughts came rushing in...mind you, they didn't mean it in a bad way! I immediately wanted to go back to my old ways, but I fought back! Eventually, I knocked some sense into my head and refused to let those thoughts from winning. It's HARD to not let one moment or event to turn a good day into a bad. But keep on fighting!! Take care.  

UPDATE:

(Day Seven-relapse)

I dont have the heart or energy to write much right now, but I relapsed possibly in every way, absolutely 100%. Just thought my (truely and amazingly wonderful) supporters on CC, should know. You all have been so wonderful, and I'm sorry that I let myself down.

Feeling defeated,

AIR

Never rue what is done. Keep you eyes and mind facing forward only then proceed one step at a time. You can do it.

It can be so, so difficult to do this alone AIR. Have you considered talking to a nutritionist, or a counsellor? My thoughts and prayers are with you because I understand all too well.