My [God willing] Recovery

Hi, I've been a member of CC for sometime, but I created this profile to protect my anonymity. I consider CC to be a great site of caring and informed people coming together to help eachother, which is why I chose to tell my story for the first time here.

I am a 17 year old male, '5"6-'5"7 130 lbs. My lowest weight was only 125. I never dropped below the recommended healthy weight for my height, but unfortunately, I did develope an eating disorder that has controlled my life for far too long.

I obsessed over food every second of everyday, planned my day around my meals, missed out on so much in life, and put my body through hell, all in the name of weight loss.

I reached my goal weight of 150 (i started at 210) and thought that i could never be happier. I was nervous about changing my eating habits for maintainance, and figured I would aim for 145, just in case I gained a little bit back trying to maintain. I reached my new goal of 145, but i wasn't as satisfied as i thought i'd be, so i kept dieting. I hit 140 and people were beginning to worry. They told me that I had lost so much and that I should be careful, 70 pounds is a huge weight loss, even though 140 isnt that tiny for my height. I convinced my family and my doctor that i was satisfied with 140, and i almost convinced myself. I started taking diet pills (i told myself that it would enable me to eat more and not gain all my weight back, but really I was still trying to lose). I creeped down through the 130's. Friends, family, and doctors worried, and warned, and cried, and tried their best to convince me to stop. I told them I was trying, that I didn't know why I was still losing.

My body began desperately craving food, and i developed a binge/restrict habit. I'd eat until i felt like i was going to die from organ failure, then i'd eat very little for a week after. I got down to 125, and suprise suprise, I still wasn't happy with my appearance. I denied ED to everyone, even the doctor that diagnosed me with it. I COULDNT have anarexia, because I was eating 500-800 calories everyday, anarexics fasted, I didn't skip meals. I COULDNT be bulimic, I didnt purge, i didnt even binge very often. Yet food was my obsession, i was terrified of gaining weight, 125 wasnt skinny enough, i was lying to cover my behavior and 500-800 cals a day was far far too low for a 17 year old male. I couldnt use the bathroom without miralax, i was constantly freezing, as if i was going through hypothermia, I couldnt eat as much as my 9 year old little SISTER at one time without being in pain.

I checked all the BMI charts, they all agreed that 125 was healthy, totally healthy. (that was my biggest defense against my family: MY BMI IS HEALTHY. HA!)

People started to whisper about residential treatment. Residential treatment?? What about my senior year of high school? All my college classes? My 4.0 gpa?My scholarship oppertunities? I couldn't go to residential treatment! It would ruin my life!

But i didnt change my behavior. I didnt eat more, or exercise less, but i did try to convince myself that no one would send me away to a treatment center. That couldnt happen, I wasn't underweight, 125 was healthy. Right?

I would have continued to lose, what possibly saved me was the LONGEST weight loss plateau I had ever hit. Why couldn't I get under 125? It really frustrated me on my fluctuation days when it read 126 or 127, or 131 (if I had recently binged). When I hit that plateau, I tried everything to break it. I was waking up hours earlier than I needed to, just to work out before taking my college classes and then driving to the highschool to take my highschool classes. I still couldn't get below 125, It was driving me crazy!!!!

And then, I brokedown. I couldn't do it anymore. I cried, I tossed and turned. I contemplated and fought myself from every angle. And for the first time, I won. Not the ED me, but ME. I thought the first clear thought in a very long time "WHO CARES IF YOU GAIN WEIGHT!" No one. No one cares if im fat or skinny or medium or whatever. I was ruining my life. I was driving myself crazy obsessing. I was risking everything I had worked to attain in high school, all the amazing things that I had coming my way would be lost if they sent me away to treatment.

That night was last night.

Today is recovery day one.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm beating myself up at each bite of food. But I'm eating, and I'm not running every last calorie off with exercise. I'm being honest with my parents, and I've even confided in a friend. Several emotions are running through me. The anxiety of weight gain is still there, but for the first time ever, I am stronger than the disorder.

I know the disorder isn't finished with me, one day of recovery can easily become a binge. I could wake up tomorrow and say "uh-oh i binged yesterday, time to restrict" But that wont happen, becuase I finally have my heart in it. I'll be okay. It will be a long road, and I'm already getting a taste of it. Especially the pain, my stomach has never hurt like this "2000 calories?? WTF are you trying to kill me?" Thats what I imagine my stomach is saying with all this pain.

I will try to keep everyone updated and informed, and please know that I'd love any support from you all. I'm very excited about recovery, and as it goes with most ED sufferers, once we have our eyes set on something, we don't stop until we attain it, its the nature of the disorder, and my eyes are set on recovery :)

ps. i'd especially love some feedback and advice from others who have dealt with ED in the past

Yours truely,

AIR (anonymous in recovery)

dont give up...todays a new day you can start again! weight gain is difficult but it is something that has to be done but not only that getting your head to accept the weight gain it will happen for you keep battling

mate dont give up relapse happens in recovery please dont dwell on it , today is a new day , you can do it we are right behind you h x

I just wanted to thank everyone who has continued to support me even after my relapse.

It can be so, so difficult to do this alone AIR. Have you considered talking to a nutritionist, or a counsellor? My thoughts and prayers are with you because I understand all too well. 

I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for the disorder as well as a nutritionalist occasionally. Part of the problem with my relapse I think is that I was supposed to meet with my therapist yesterday but it got rescheduled, and one of the reasons I gave in was because I was afraid I wouldnt be able to go another week until I saw my therapist.

I'm not sure, in any case, thank you all for continuing to stick with me! Hopefully I'll get back on the right track. I will be try to journal or update soon, to let everyone know how things are going in detail.

You didn't fail us! This is about you, sweetheart, not us. Like others have said, today is a new day. You know what you need to do and you CAN do it. God bless you.

Hi AIR,

you have not let anyone down, relpapse will be apart of your recovery, but you kep on going we all have fith in you and we know you will do it the end. Everyone has second chances, and nobody is counting right now - you take it one moment at a tme . We all are here for you - God Bless,

I am sorry for your struggles. Part of recovery is the ups and down but hopefully one day the up times will outweigh the down times. I hope you can tell your therapist about what happened and the feelings you had about the apt. So that way you can come up with a plan next time like maybe even a 5 minute phone check in. You can make it till next week and part of recovery is facing the barriers and hard times but using self coping tools. Like calling a friend,journaletc. You can't change the past but can the future so what can you do today to get back on track? How can you get support till your therapist is back? Can you even just call and chat for a few?

Don't feel bad about relapsing, what matters is that you're trying to get back on track. You'll have ups and downs during recovery. Whenever I felt down I always found that talking to my best supporters helped, which for me was my family. You can get through this!

This binging is causing quite a problem. As I told everyone, I relapsed. I binged agian, and then starved myself for three days. Not restricted, STARVED. I ate ZERO calories for thee days, and then binged again after that, and then binged again the day after that binge. In the last 11 days I've binged 7 of them. Im gaining weight quite rapidly as you can imagine i would taking in 5000 calories per binge for 7 days, and thats not including the other meals I eat during the day. As far as calories in- calories out goes, I've eaten enough to gain 10 lbs of body fat, not to mention the water weight from all the food. I am once agian commited to recovery, but I'm fighting the urge to binge at this very second. I desperately want to go binge, even though I promised myslef that i wouldn't.

Everyone told me that the binging was because i had starved myself for so long. If thats the case then why am I still fighting the urge to binge after seven days of binging? Shouldnt my body understand that I'm not going to starve it for months at a time? If the binges are really because of my restricted calorie diet, THEN WHY AM I FIGHTING THE URGE TO BINGE RIGHT NOW? I"VE EATEN ABOUT 40,000 calories OR MORE in the last eleven days!

Original Post by recovery_now:

This binging is causing quite a problem. As I told everyone, I relapsed. I binged agian, and then starved myself for three days. Not restricted, STARVED. I ate ZERO calories for thee days, and then binged again after that, and then binged again the day after that binge. In the last 11 days I've binged 7 of them. Im gaining weight quite rapidly as you can imagine i would taking in 5000 calories per binge for 7 days, and thats not including the other meals I eat during the day. As far as calories in- calories out goes, I've eaten enough to gain 10 lbs of body fat, not to mention the water weight from all the food. I am once agian commited to recovery, but I'm fighting the urge to binge at this very second. I desperately want to go binge, even though I promised myslef that i wouldn't.

 

Everyone told me that the binging was because i had starved myself for so long. If thats the case then why am I still fighting the urge to binge after seven days of binging? Shouldnt my body understand that I'm not going to starve it for months at a time? If the binges are really because of my restricted calorie diet, THEN WHY AM I FIGHTING THE URGE TO BINGE RIGHT NOW? I"VE EATEN ABOUT 40,000 calories OR MORE in the last eleven days!

 because your body is still starved it wont go away like that . the only way to stop this or lessen this is urge is to eat 2500 consistantly however bad you feel it must be done eventually your body will trust you but you have to stick with it . your body is doing everything in its power to get you to eat more. having days of starvation then binging isnt consistant it is confuses your body anymore . i dont know if you know of the keys study , a study wher men were starved for so many days they all binged you are trying to stop yourself doing something that isnt possible while restricting for periods of time . what happens to people who go on crash diets its the thing. also have you thought about taking something for your mood and anxiety alot of this panic and stress could be making it harder to deal with the binges , just think about it h x

AIR, I binged for MONTHS during the course of my recovery. I'm not saying that this will happen to you - but my body was literally crying out for food, and lots of it. And I'm talking gargantuan binges - and I'm a 5'3'' female. You need to be on a proper meal plan. But trust me, restricting will just perpetuate the cycle. Your body needs 'excess' calories now. It has a lot of catching up to do - a lot of repair work. But I do believe this is better done in a monitored fashion. Have you considered IP? Basically, I went out of control with my binges - and yes I'm talking months. But do you know what? I'm still not fat. And I have stopped the binges. But everything you described in bold, I experienced.

Thank you so much tessa and ninafish, I was in quite a tizzy when i posted.

I've talked to my mom and I'm try to reschedule my appointment with my psychiatrist sooner. I was supposed to se her wednesday, but I think i need to today. I will try something for anxiety, I've been toying with the idea for sometime.

Ps. I didnt binge last night, I'm not sure how I resisted, but I did :)

Original Post by recovery_now:

Thank you so much tessa and ninafish, I was in quite a tizzy when i posted.

I've talked to my mom and I'm try to reschedule my appointment with my psychiatrist sooner. I was supposed to se her wednesday, but I think i need to today. I will try something for anxiety, I've been toying with the idea for sometime.

Ps. I didnt binge last night, I'm not sure how I resisted, but I did :)

 thats great but make sure you eat enough today at regular times h x

Hi AIR,

I do not have the knowleldge or experience of tessa and ninafish, all I can say is that I hope that you find the courage and the strength from all of us who support you - and I thanks God, that on this forum their are people who are willing to share their darkest moments with you knowing it will help you to see the light of recovery like they have. God bless you all for your spirit of love and  caring - I hope you all have a good day - and good luck when you see the psychiatrist.

Vera

*hugs* recovery_now

A medication might indeed be helpful. Prozac certainly has assisted me with my obsessive compulsive tendencies and black and white thinking. But pharma-meds aren't the 'cure all'. I think you are taking positive steps in the right direction. You deserve a life free of ED hon. xox

Original Post by ninafish:

*hugs* recovery_now

A medication might indeed be helpful. Prozac certainly has assisted me with my obsessive compulsive tendencies and black and white thinking. But pharma-meds aren't the 'cure all'. I think you are taking positive steps in the right direction. You deserve a life free of ED hon. xox

 thank you ninafish, i DO deserve a life free of ED! And i can't wait to finish out this battle. Also thank you Vera, you have continued to be very supportive. Also, I promise I will continue to updae everyone ESPECIALLY if i have another episode. Also, I will try to journal soon

AIR

Meds though can really assist. Truly for a long time I was not on meds because I had tried so many in the past and never felt like they helped. This time though I went back to a psych who really worked with me as I am a hard person to medicate but anyhow the difference in my mental state is big. I still have the issues like anxiety/depression but my coping overall is clearer and better. I do have to do a lot of self coping skills but am able to cause my brain does think clearer. I would encourage you to discuss this with your doctor. I know for me I had many signs that I needed to try meds again but waited till things got very bad mentally where I was loosing it. You don't want that and better to getthings under control when the red flags start.

UPDATE-

Okay, here it goes, my first real update in a while. Let me fill you in.

I can say one thing, I am definitely taking my recovery more seriously now, and so is my family. We finally got my therapist, psychiatrist, and my mom all in room with me and we sat down and made a plan. OH BOY, A PLAN...

My psychiatrist prescribed prozac. I'm not sure how effective prozac is in treating anorexia, bulemia, or binge eating, but hopefully it can help with all three, because according to my psychrists official diagnosis: "Patient exhibts a sufficient number of symptoms to meet the diagnosis requirements for ANOREXIA NERVOSA, BULIMIA NERVOSA, AND BINGE EATING DISORDER. Therefor I am diagnosining the patient with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not otherwise Specified) and ADNOS (Anxiety Disorder Not other Wise Specified)."

Are you serious? I have all three ED's and Anxiety? How messed up in the head can I be?

As far as my progress goes, the binging continues. Now that I have said my official good-byes to Anorexia (and apparently Bulimia as stated above), it seems that Binge Eating Disorder was more than happy to come in and comfort me. Of course, the binge eating could cause me to relapse into the anorexia/bulimia, a vicious cycle.

But as far as things go, I have binged the last three day, each of the binges growing SLIGHTLY less severe. The doctor weighed me before my appointment today and said the scale was showing a 24 pound weight gain, really SHOCKING news to hear before sitting down with your psychiatris who you dont know is about to diagnos you with three ED's and prescribe a happy pill :/

SO, I've decided to start the prozac immediately. I am going to take my forst dose as soon as I get off the computer. Also, I plan to continue my therapy and being open and honest with my mom.

I'm going to leave on this note, I don't like the binges anymore than I liked the starving, and 24 pounds sits a little uncomfortably with me, I hope I don't relapse, please lend support, I truely have grown to love and appreciate the advice that each of you give me!

Question of the day: Any body know the effectiveness of prozac on ED's? 

Hi,

I m glad you have a plan, and despite all the diagnosis, at least if you know what is wrong then you can treat it - better to face up to it than to  not be aware -as hard as it was to hear.  Right now you can focus on one thing at a time, and that is letting the prozac work. I m sure the doctor knows what he is doing, and everyone has their own reaction to meds, just stay postive that it is going to help you on your journey and use it as another tool at your disposal.

God bless, and with the support of the doctors, our family and all of us you will neve be alone in your recovery, and each and every one of us are here for you. Each one has a different part to play to help you - some with meds, some with practical experience and advice, but all with the hope and prayer that every moment of every day life and your struggle with ED, is one that will get easier. Each step is a step towards your recovery, and the chance for a new and normal life.

your friend Vera

Recovery, hon... The bingeing is the body's response to the starvation. As I've told you before, the only way to stop the cycle is by NOT reverting to anorexic/restrictive behaviours in order to compensate for it. Which is why I think for you, a structured meal plan is best. But at these early stages of recovery, don't beat yourself up if you DO binge. It is your body's survival response. At the beginning of my recovery I quite literally had almost NO physical control over them at all. In time, the physical aspect abated. Prozac has really helped me with my OCD tendencies and black and white though processes. Keep us updated and keep going strong - you're worth it hon xoxox

Ive been on prozac for 7 years i would highly recommend it , it helps with alot of my thought processes and mood . i know it works because i had a period wher i didnt take it i felt dreadful . give it time to work. there arnt any side affects i dont think. what have you got to lose h xxx