My [God willing] Recovery

Hi, I've been a member of CC for sometime, but I created this profile to protect my anonymity. I consider CC to be a great site of caring and informed people coming together to help eachother, which is why I chose to tell my story for the first time here.

I am a 17 year old male, '5"6-'5"7 130 lbs. My lowest weight was only 125. I never dropped below the recommended healthy weight for my height, but unfortunately, I did develope an eating disorder that has controlled my life for far too long.

I obsessed over food every second of everyday, planned my day around my meals, missed out on so much in life, and put my body through hell, all in the name of weight loss.

I reached my goal weight of 150 (i started at 210) and thought that i could never be happier. I was nervous about changing my eating habits for maintainance, and figured I would aim for 145, just in case I gained a little bit back trying to maintain. I reached my new goal of 145, but i wasn't as satisfied as i thought i'd be, so i kept dieting. I hit 140 and people were beginning to worry. They told me that I had lost so much and that I should be careful, 70 pounds is a huge weight loss, even though 140 isnt that tiny for my height. I convinced my family and my doctor that i was satisfied with 140, and i almost convinced myself. I started taking diet pills (i told myself that it would enable me to eat more and not gain all my weight back, but really I was still trying to lose). I creeped down through the 130's. Friends, family, and doctors worried, and warned, and cried, and tried their best to convince me to stop. I told them I was trying, that I didn't know why I was still losing.

My body began desperately craving food, and i developed a binge/restrict habit. I'd eat until i felt like i was going to die from organ failure, then i'd eat very little for a week after. I got down to 125, and suprise suprise, I still wasn't happy with my appearance. I denied ED to everyone, even the doctor that diagnosed me with it. I COULDNT have anarexia, because I was eating 500-800 calories everyday, anarexics fasted, I didn't skip meals. I COULDNT be bulimic, I didnt purge, i didnt even binge very often. Yet food was my obsession, i was terrified of gaining weight, 125 wasnt skinny enough, i was lying to cover my behavior and 500-800 cals a day was far far too low for a 17 year old male. I couldnt use the bathroom without miralax, i was constantly freezing, as if i was going through hypothermia, I couldnt eat as much as my 9 year old little SISTER at one time without being in pain.

I checked all the BMI charts, they all agreed that 125 was healthy, totally healthy. (that was my biggest defense against my family: MY BMI IS HEALTHY. HA!)

People started to whisper about residential treatment. Residential treatment?? What about my senior year of high school? All my college classes? My 4.0 gpa?My scholarship oppertunities? I couldn't go to residential treatment! It would ruin my life!

But i didnt change my behavior. I didnt eat more, or exercise less, but i did try to convince myself that no one would send me away to a treatment center. That couldnt happen, I wasn't underweight, 125 was healthy. Right?

I would have continued to lose, what possibly saved me was the LONGEST weight loss plateau I had ever hit. Why couldn't I get under 125? It really frustrated me on my fluctuation days when it read 126 or 127, or 131 (if I had recently binged). When I hit that plateau, I tried everything to break it. I was waking up hours earlier than I needed to, just to work out before taking my college classes and then driving to the highschool to take my highschool classes. I still couldn't get below 125, It was driving me crazy!!!!

And then, I brokedown. I couldn't do it anymore. I cried, I tossed and turned. I contemplated and fought myself from every angle. And for the first time, I won. Not the ED me, but ME. I thought the first clear thought in a very long time "WHO CARES IF YOU GAIN WEIGHT!" No one. No one cares if im fat or skinny or medium or whatever. I was ruining my life. I was driving myself crazy obsessing. I was risking everything I had worked to attain in high school, all the amazing things that I had coming my way would be lost if they sent me away to treatment.

That night was last night.

Today is recovery day one.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm beating myself up at each bite of food. But I'm eating, and I'm not running every last calorie off with exercise. I'm being honest with my parents, and I've even confided in a friend. Several emotions are running through me. The anxiety of weight gain is still there, but for the first time ever, I am stronger than the disorder.

I know the disorder isn't finished with me, one day of recovery can easily become a binge. I could wake up tomorrow and say "uh-oh i binged yesterday, time to restrict" But that wont happen, becuase I finally have my heart in it. I'll be okay. It will be a long road, and I'm already getting a taste of it. Especially the pain, my stomach has never hurt like this "2000 calories?? WTF are you trying to kill me?" Thats what I imagine my stomach is saying with all this pain.

I will try to keep everyone updated and informed, and please know that I'd love any support from you all. I'm very excited about recovery, and as it goes with most ED sufferers, once we have our eyes set on something, we don't stop until we attain it, its the nature of the disorder, and my eyes are set on recovery :)

ps. i'd especially love some feedback and advice from others who have dealt with ED in the past

Yours truely,

AIR (anonymous in recovery)

very true tessa, what do i have to lose? It certainly cant hurt the situation.

*hugs recovery*

You'll be just fine hon. Remember we're here to support you. You're not alone :) x

I am very proud of you for going to the doctor. I have severe anxiety like I stated and in recovery from an ed but even well with it I had anxiety/depression and meds have helped a lot. I am not without these issues as some days it is still very bad but overall others even notice the change for the better. You are not screwed up. Everyone has issues and at least you are facing yourself which shows that you are not screwed up. The people who are in denial are. May I ask can you see a therapist and a nutritionist? Outside the food issue have you looked at things in your life that may be causing stress/anxiety and leading to your anxiety/ed? I ask cause working on ways to get through this can really assist the ed.

UPDATE

I have been in recovery now for over two weeks, and honestly, I believe things are getting better slowly but surely.

Since day one of my recovery from anorexia/bulimia, I binged. It was scarey at first, and then it became routine. I was binging everyday, in fear that the food that I was eating wouldn't be available again to me the next day. Its funny how, as an anorexic I learned to fear and to hate food, and in recovery have learned to cling to it, never feeling satisfied no matter how much i ate. I think that perhaps, when I gave up anorexia and decided to recovery, I sacrfificed all thw ill power I had, in an effort not to starve any longer. So now that I'm eating again, I've been afraid to use will power to stop, not wanting to revert back to my restricting ways.

I relapsed once during my recovery, not eating a single calorie for three days, but I'm happy to say I've been restriction free for over a week, and I'm beginning to accept myself for who i am as a person more and more.

The binging has slowed down a lot, but I still continue to over eat, and my food choices are poor. I always seem to go straight for the pizza, icecream, and cand chocolate. I know the fact that I am recovering from anorexia is no excuse for throwing healthy choices to the wind, but that seems to be what I've done. I eat more like an obese individual now than an anorexic.

The weight gain has been substantial, but everyone has been sweet about it anyway. I know I'l have to start using will power again eventually, this unhealthy constant junk food eating and sedetary behavior can't last forever. However, I've seemed to find a comfort zone in my eating, knowing that as long as I am overeating, I'm not starving. I've also come to terms with the weight gain (more or less) and i no longer fear being fat the way i use to, or not ot the same degree.

So I leave now by saying three things

1) thank god I'm no longer fighting the urge to purge or restrict

2) thank god the binges have slowed

3) Hopefully I will be able to find a happy medium, and stop siting around the house getting no exercise and eating nothing but TONS of junk food 

its you thats done it, you should be very proud , it takes much more to fight this than to give in to it, im glad you can see your progress hopefully this will keep you motivated you can do it well done again h xx

I am so proud of you!=) The past couple of weeks have been such a huge emotional rollercoaster for me, but I'm trying to push past it. I'm so glad you're pushing through this! I know we'll have so many of "those" days, but it's up to us to turn it around. As you can see, there are so many who stick by you and root you through rough patches=) Sometimes just lurking around and reading their messages and support given to others is more than enough to just give you that extra little push!=) Thanks everyone! and AIR, I know you can do this..keep it up!

You can do it recovery! Basically, the story you're describing sounds almost identical to mine. And I can truly say that I'm out and about nowadays - so the sedentary bingeing won't be forever. You have just swung from one extreme to the other. Which is why restriction won't work. Moderation/temperance is the lesson here - balancing your meals and eating ENOUGH. And remember, your meals will probably be larger than the meals of those around you for quite some time, until you are recovered. You'll do it hon. You keep going. I'm taking those steps with you in spirit. xox

UPDATE:

Hello Everyone!

For the first time ever, I have NO bad news to report. EVERYTHING is going much much better!

First of all, I have had no replases. I haven restricted or starved or over exercised AT ALL.

Second, the binging has stopped. Although I would say I still eat a lot of food, it certainly is nothing compared to what I was consuming in my binges.

Third, I have gained 25 pounds of REAL weight, and I am completely happy with my body! (OR working on it anyway!) 

congrats! keep up the good work!

*claps* :D

Hooray recovery! I am so happy for you! Bless you hon!!! *hugs* xoxoxoxox

im so pleased for you, well done keep it up h x

Thanks all of you! I am very proud of myself and I am so glad that I didn't give up, that I stuck with it, saw a counseler, allowed myself to try the prozac, and took one day at a time.

Some days are a struggle, but everyday is beautiful :)

Thats brilliant news, well done!

And you are beautiful too recovery hon :)

Yeah! You sound even better in the words you posted. One day at a time right? There will be better and hard times but keep to hope.

UPDATE:

Hello everyone! I am still doing quite well! Just thought I'd give everyone another update.

I am now 150 lbs, a fabulous weight for an 18 year old boy I think! I have been 150 for a while now and I am very proud of myself for maintaining this weight. When I speak of maintenance, I speak of not losing any weight, because I would be perfectly alright with gaining.

I feel so much more alive now, its ridiculous. I cant believe I was ruining my life the way I was. Waisting away the time of my life I'm supposed to look back on someday and cherish.

School is going well. I am keeping an A in my college and my highschool classes (I am a senior in highschool and a college freshman. We call it dual enrollment). I am involved in extracurriculars, and all of my friends are so happy to have me back. For so long I was like another person, no friend to anyone but myself.

Lets all embrace the beauty that is in each of us!

AIR

i am so proud of you

i am so proud of you

well done you are such a star h x

Absolutely awesome hon! You're living the life you should be. Don't regret anything - you have learned much from this experience. And now you are working on such wonderful, positive progressions from here on in. Love to you hon! xox