My [God willing] Recovery

Hi, I've been a member of CC for sometime, but I created this profile to protect my anonymity. I consider CC to be a great site of caring and informed people coming together to help eachother, which is why I chose to tell my story for the first time here.

I am a 17 year old male, '5"6-'5"7 130 lbs. My lowest weight was only 125. I never dropped below the recommended healthy weight for my height, but unfortunately, I did develope an eating disorder that has controlled my life for far too long.

I obsessed over food every second of everyday, planned my day around my meals, missed out on so much in life, and put my body through hell, all in the name of weight loss.

I reached my goal weight of 150 (i started at 210) and thought that i could never be happier. I was nervous about changing my eating habits for maintainance, and figured I would aim for 145, just in case I gained a little bit back trying to maintain. I reached my new goal of 145, but i wasn't as satisfied as i thought i'd be, so i kept dieting. I hit 140 and people were beginning to worry. They told me that I had lost so much and that I should be careful, 70 pounds is a huge weight loss, even though 140 isnt that tiny for my height. I convinced my family and my doctor that i was satisfied with 140, and i almost convinced myself. I started taking diet pills (i told myself that it would enable me to eat more and not gain all my weight back, but really I was still trying to lose). I creeped down through the 130's. Friends, family, and doctors worried, and warned, and cried, and tried their best to convince me to stop. I told them I was trying, that I didn't know why I was still losing.

My body began desperately craving food, and i developed a binge/restrict habit. I'd eat until i felt like i was going to die from organ failure, then i'd eat very little for a week after. I got down to 125, and suprise suprise, I still wasn't happy with my appearance. I denied ED to everyone, even the doctor that diagnosed me with it. I COULDNT have anarexia, because I was eating 500-800 calories everyday, anarexics fasted, I didn't skip meals. I COULDNT be bulimic, I didnt purge, i didnt even binge very often. Yet food was my obsession, i was terrified of gaining weight, 125 wasnt skinny enough, i was lying to cover my behavior and 500-800 cals a day was far far too low for a 17 year old male. I couldnt use the bathroom without miralax, i was constantly freezing, as if i was going through hypothermia, I couldnt eat as much as my 9 year old little SISTER at one time without being in pain.

I checked all the BMI charts, they all agreed that 125 was healthy, totally healthy. (that was my biggest defense against my family: MY BMI IS HEALTHY. HA!)

People started to whisper about residential treatment. Residential treatment?? What about my senior year of high school? All my college classes? My 4.0 gpa?My scholarship oppertunities? I couldn't go to residential treatment! It would ruin my life!

But i didnt change my behavior. I didnt eat more, or exercise less, but i did try to convince myself that no one would send me away to a treatment center. That couldnt happen, I wasn't underweight, 125 was healthy. Right?

I would have continued to lose, what possibly saved me was the LONGEST weight loss plateau I had ever hit. Why couldn't I get under 125? It really frustrated me on my fluctuation days when it read 126 or 127, or 131 (if I had recently binged). When I hit that plateau, I tried everything to break it. I was waking up hours earlier than I needed to, just to work out before taking my college classes and then driving to the highschool to take my highschool classes. I still couldn't get below 125, It was driving me crazy!!!!

And then, I brokedown. I couldn't do it anymore. I cried, I tossed and turned. I contemplated and fought myself from every angle. And for the first time, I won. Not the ED me, but ME. I thought the first clear thought in a very long time "WHO CARES IF YOU GAIN WEIGHT!" No one. No one cares if im fat or skinny or medium or whatever. I was ruining my life. I was driving myself crazy obsessing. I was risking everything I had worked to attain in high school, all the amazing things that I had coming my way would be lost if they sent me away to treatment.

That night was last night.

Today is recovery day one.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm beating myself up at each bite of food. But I'm eating, and I'm not running every last calorie off with exercise. I'm being honest with my parents, and I've even confided in a friend. Several emotions are running through me. The anxiety of weight gain is still there, but for the first time ever, I am stronger than the disorder.

I know the disorder isn't finished with me, one day of recovery can easily become a binge. I could wake up tomorrow and say "uh-oh i binged yesterday, time to restrict" But that wont happen, becuase I finally have my heart in it. I'll be okay. It will be a long road, and I'm already getting a taste of it. Especially the pain, my stomach has never hurt like this "2000 calories?? WTF are you trying to kill me?" Thats what I imagine my stomach is saying with all this pain.

I will try to keep everyone updated and informed, and please know that I'd love any support from you all. I'm very excited about recovery, and as it goes with most ED sufferers, once we have our eyes set on something, we don't stop until we attain it, its the nature of the disorder, and my eyes are set on recovery :)

ps. i'd especially love some feedback and advice from others who have dealt with ED in the past

Yours truely,

AIR (anonymous in recovery)

you're an inspiration. <3

Hi AIR,

isn't life wonderful - and you are a true inspiration to me - we have all believed in you and it sounds like you are believing in yourself and putting yourself first. 

WELL DONE YOU ARE AWESOME!

It is a honour to be part of your friendship circle.

Vera

UPDATE AND FAREWELL:

Well everyone, I can safely say that my world has gone from horribly hopeless, to incredibly amazing since I began my recovery.

The binges are gone, they went away a long time ago. I never restrict, I never purge, I've cut back greatly on exercise, I am participating openly in my counseling, and I have even forgotten the calorie content of foods that I use to eat!

I just want to say a huge thank you to my Calorie Count family, yo guys REALLY kept me pushing through, you will never understand the wonders you did for me! Also, I'd like to let everyone else who is going through an eating disorder that recovery is possible, and so is self love and acceptance.

I think this is going to be my last Calorie Count post, I am doing well and I do believe that I am ready to let go of this crutch. I will say farewell to you all, and leave you on this note. I'm no longer Anonymous In Recovery (AIR), I'm just good 'ol Tony, and glad to be.

I will post a picture of myself, so everyone can see the new me that I am so proud of!

With Love,

Tony (formerly known as AIR)

im so pleased for you well done , i wish you all the best h xxx

Tony, I just want to tell you that you look, and more importantly sound as if you feel, ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!! I am really so very happy for you. Yes, you are a wonderful person and you deserve so many awesome things in life, and they will keep coming to you in the absence of the ED. Good on you boy, you are an inspiration to us all! I wish you the absolute best in your continuing journey throughout life. With love, Nina xoxoxoxox