To gray or not to gray?

O.K , so after years of trying to cover it up I am now considering just gracefully letting that gray hair show. I never thought I would struggle so much with this decision because I grew a patch in my 20's and loved it. However in my thirties, after prompting from close friends and 2 incidents of being asked was I 40 something I decided to dye.

I thought I would feel more confident to take the plunge after losing weight and getting fit,but as I approach my goal, This decision is not coming easy. I love Jamie lee Curtis' look As I will have to cut my hair off. And NO I don't look anything like her I just love how classy and vibrant she looks.

I keep imagining being asked if I'm grandma as I have 2 kids under age 3.

Is anyone working thru this or have you done it already? can you share some thoughts.

By the way this is not a low self esteem issue,I think I'm fabulous. I'm just surprised that I'm so hesitant to take this step.I know that it is a healthy thing to do for my hair( the less chemicals the better).THANX!

Hello

I am new here and this was the first subject I decided to read.  This one is close to my heart as well.  I started going grey when I was about 23, but have always dyed my hair either myself or via the hairdresser.   I am now 47 and also have a 6 year old - so am very paranoid about looking old - because a great deal of the mothers at school are probably younger than my adult child is.  So I continue to use a packet from home, but always get a short haircut.   My mother is now 81 but started going grey at about 17 and by 50 decided to let it go - she has the most amazing silver/white hair - so I am hoping I have those genetics.  I guess at 81 grey is fairly standard - but no matter what age I think a good haircut is helpful.

I think that the chemicals that I have poured onto my head probably haven't helped my intelligence and memory, but for most of the time - I looked good - well my extremities anyhow.  My thought is maybe try a little piece at the front first and then expand - and see how you feel - my husband always says he wishes I let my hair go like Bride of Frankenstein - alright for him - he has jet black hair without one grey!

Hello ladies, ( and gentlemen),

Thanks for bringing this subject to life again.

jfessler... I appreciate your honest opinion and I thank you  for it. I too want to look my BEST! That is why this is a struggle to take the inevitable plunge. Your comment was a downer because I want to look AMAZING not old. I'm trying to figure out how to go gray AND look fab. Is it possible? I do think attitude, dress and condition of skin play a factor, that's why I asked you for more info.

midwestmom... I get that gray looks different on each person. There are many products on the market to combat the coarseness and dullness that may occur. When I do go gray... I will be buying stock in those products :)

dot-dot-dot... I don't really want to look younger, I want to continue to look FABULOUS! Darlin, I ALWAYS tell...  I look great and I want to inspire others to keep themselves looking great. I do not think that we have to just shrivel as we grow older... we can nourish our spirit, our skin, our hair and our style. IMO... We MUST make time to care for ourselves. As for Jamie Lee Curtis... I don't think she looks younger. I think she looks age appropriate, classy, and vibrant. Short hair doesn't appear younger looking to me, I only intend to go short to get rid of the color. I imagine myself with long gray braids as I dance into my 60's... Just like my great grandma. The Q: now or later?

...Why give up so young? ... I don't think exposing gray hair is giving up. In my mind... I'm 28. I feel great and I just want my visual to reflect my interior.

... match your "hot bod" with hot hair...I'm looking for that hot transition into gray. Something classy, vibrant, and age appropriate, with a little flavor. Maybe a high fashion faux-hawk. If I hate it I can shave it down to Caesar and wait it out.

As far as going back to coloring after... I doubt it. That's why I'm contemplating the act so intensely now.

I do believe that a girl has gotta have fun... I want the adventure of the change to be fun and exciting. Again, I'm surprised that it has become so heavy for me.

I think that I was hoping for some inspiration. We don't see the images in the media and I was hoping for a " I did it and it was GREAT!" ... I still think, ( caution: blanket statement), we 40 somethings just aren't ready for the gray.

... Are we?

Sorry glendaaus, I must be experiencing the affects of the chemicals that I have poured on my head.I have let the gray grow out at the roots about once a year for the last 3 years with the intention to go gray and stop the ( coloring ) madness. Each time the gray is more prominent and I conclude that I'm not ready.

 Somewhere in my idealistic mind I think that I'm going to come up with a really hip solution and go for it. The quest continues...

Bride of Frankenstein?... Ain't that just like a man...Bless his heart :) 

Original Post by franchellb:

Hello ladies, ( and gentlemen),

Thanks for bringing this subject to life again.

jfessler... I appreciate your honest opinion and I thank you  for it. I too want to look my BEST! That is why this is a struggle to take the inevitable plunge. Your comment was a downer because I want to look AMAZING not old. I'm trying to figure out how to go gray AND look fab. Is it possible? I do think attitude, dress and condition of skin play a factor, that's why I asked you for more info.

midwestmom... I get that gray looks different on each person. There are many products on the market to combat the coarseness and dullness that may occur. When I do go gray... I will be buying stock in those products :)

dot-dot-dot... I don't really want to look younger, I want to continue to look FABULOUS! Darlin, I ALWAYS tell...  I look great and I want to inspire others to keep themselves looking great. I do not think that we have to just shrivel as we grow older... we can nourish our spirit, our skin, our hair and our style. IMO... We MUST make time to care for ourselves. As for Jamie Lee Curtis... I don't think she looks younger. I think she looks age appropriate, classy, and vibrant. Short hair doesn't appear younger looking to me, I only intend to go short to get rid of the color. I imagine myself with long gray braids as I dance into my 60's... Just like my great grandma. The Q: now or later?

...Why give up so young? ... I don't think exposing gray hair is giving up. In my mind... I'm 28. I feel great and I just want my visual to reflect my interior.

... match your "hot bod" with hot hair...I'm looking for that hot transition into gray. Something classy, vibrant, and age appropriate, with a little flavor. Maybe a high fashion faux-hawk. If I hate it I can shave it down to Caesar and wait it out.

As far as going back to coloring after... I doubt it. That's why I'm contemplating the act so intensely now.

I do believe that a girl has gotta have fun... I want the adventure of the change to be fun and exciting. Again, I'm surprised that it has become so heavy for me.

I think that I was hoping for some inspiration. We don't see the images in the media and I was hoping for a " I did it and it was GREAT!" ... I still think, ( caution: blanket statement), we 40 somethings just aren't ready for the gray.

... Are we?

I think that letting a piece just in front go grey sounds really cool!!!  I just might start doing that myself!  It would be like natural highlights!  Hmmm...something to think about! 

franchellb,

I agree with jfessler...maybe some kind of gray highlights just in front will look hip and cool, however with that, you can't completely eliminate the coloring madness.... or check out the link below, depending how long or short your hair is, I think this looks fabolous...

http://www.wowowow.com/slideviewer/58147/10

You can go grey and still look fabulous - you just have to learn how to carry it graciously because I think 40 and grey just don't go well together yet.. a better match when you're past 50.  But if you can get away with it at 40 and not look like you're already in mid-50s, I say go for it!!!

I sure wish I had the answer...I myself have thought many time to go gray. Just for the fact that my hair grows so fast, I have to color just about every 3 weeks just to keep up with the raccoon strip look. Man, I hate it. Being 41 and almost gray just make me shudder though.

I might have the gray highlighting done that Ive been reading from everyone. Sounds like it could work!

Thanks

I feel you... I could have my color done every 2 weeks but I push it to 4. I hope it will continue to grow fast when I go for the chop chop :)

I am doing the highlighting... It gets old fast :(

Hey dot-dot-dot... thanks for the link. Emmylou Harris, Gail Koff and Chazz Levi have that hip vibrant look that I envision. Actually, Ms Harris is not so hip but her skin looks flawless under her silver mane. That was inspiring... I am luckily wrinkle free and don't want to age myself older with the gray.

Maybe those of us who are willing can make a pact and start a new HIP trend of sporting a gray stripe proudly...  :/ Do you think it would catch on in Hollywood? We'll see the trend spread across the world one magazine cover at a time... next thing will be college campuses and it will trickle down to the preteen youth every where... And then I woke up  :0

I think part of what is coming out in these discussions is people's mapping of specific appearance attributes to age and then to other negative images.  Come on everyone - 90% of women in their 40s have grey hair!  Get over this perception of grey=old.  You don't think of 40s as old, do you?  The only reason you think of gray as old is that women won't let themselves be natural until they are 60!  Break the link - challenge perceptions by a) showing that grey does NOT equal "old" by example and b) don't judge others by the color of their hair.  If you have a friend that looks "great" with colored hair and "old" with gray hair, you are guilty!  

Interesting discussion.  Found my first white hair a few years ago.  I thought I had gotten moisturizer in my hair, and when I realized what it was, yanked it out immediately.  I'm 44 now, and by all accounts don't look it, so I've been reluctant to start putting chemicals on my hair.  I have, however, used henna, which gives me the shine and subtley changes the look of the white hairs.  I don't have that many yet, and may have to consider more drastic measures later.  But for now, henna does the trick.

I must say the same for me.. I just started spotting .. well silver hair.. not gray.. not sure if my hair is going to stay that color but hey henna is a great option. I am a mother of a 3 1/2 yr old and do not look like I am 40 at all.. For me I would not want my young daughter to be asked if I was her grandma.. so I will keep my natural dark brown.. use the Henna.. and then think on the color later on..

Debbie

Original Post by magme:

I must say the same for me.. I just started spotting .. well silver hair.. not gray.. not sure if my hair is going to stay that color but hey henna is a great option. I am a mother of a 3 1/2 yr old and do not look like I am 40 at all.. For me I would not want my young daughter to be asked if I was her grandma.. so I will keep my natural dark brown.. use the Henna.. and then think on the color later on..

Debbie

Debbie, My hair is also dark brown, so those stray whites (and they are pure white) are really quite striking!!  Make sure to try the liquid henna--much easier to apply and far less messy. 

Hi!  This is my first post--it caught my eye because I am also considering letting my gray hair 'out'...I am 41 and started to go gray at 22 and I predict that I am about 65% gray--maybe more?  The remainder of my hair is dark brown so there is a definate salt n pepper thing going on.  My dad and his whole side has beautiful silver/white hair....

I am sick and tired of dying my hair and the chemicals cause me a lot of skin irritation--I also worry about the effect of so many years of dumping that crap on my head....anyway, one day, a few months ago, I saw the most AMAZING woman--she looked about my age--and she has funky silver chunks in her hair and it looked so amazing....it was long and she was dressed really stylishly and she just was so eye catching....my husband came up to me and asked if I had seen her--we were in a bookstore at the time--I said I had and he said that is what my hair could look like...he has been egging me on to let it go because he has often commented that my silver root hairs look so pretty....(he is 4 years younger than me and has no gray which irks me a bit...also he looks about 17 sometimes--especially when clean shaven--I feel sick at the thought of someone thinking we were not a couple because I was so gray and he so youthful....but really--my face looks 41 so really it would just be the initial impression that might be off..)...

I think I am going to do it--my biggest reservation is that I have been at home with my kids the last 7 years (they are now 6 and 8) and I am heading back into the workforce--I am feeling a little rusty as it is and I do fear that my hair may draw attention to my middle agedness?  (is 41 middle aged?  how did I get here--a minute ago I was just starting to have kids it feels like--somewhere between diaper changes and preschool I somehow transitioned into middle age without noticign)....

I might just wait until I am back at work (i.e. after I am hired) but then I am definately going to let it go and try to "funk up my look" with clothing etc... I think that is the key--to make sure your clothing is reasonably hip--....

I have been putting together a gallery of images in order to motivate myself to take the plunge and I thought I would put a link here for everyone to see (just images I have found on the net--few and far between as grey in our age group is quite rare it seems).....

http://flickr.com/photos/30336139@N05/

Anyway, I have rambled on and can't bear to spell check this so forgive me if the post is a mess...maybe I'll post my before and after hair if I ever manage to go get the courage to do it....

ps...I have just joined calorie counter in order to take off the baby weight (it has been on for 7 years, lol, but I think getting back to my slimmer self will help me to have the courage to do the grey hair thing...)

Yes, I am replying to my own post....

I had meant to include a comment about whether or not gray ages a person's look....I have come to realize that it might "from a distance"....For example, Cindy McCain (wife of John McCain) looks quite different now that her hair is coloured....

Take a look the comparison in this wiki entry (there is a current photo at the top of the article and a slightly older photo from 2002 I believe where her hair is short and graying--or greying...I am from Canada and have no idea how to spell gray)...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cindy_McCain

I find she actually looks better with the grayer hair--more intelligent and more authentic (of course she is also not so very very slim which also helps her look better in my opinion)..... but I suppose it is true that she perhaps looks older with the gray hair...or maybe not....with it blond and in that style at first glance she comes across as more youthful but then when you keep looking you notice she is in fact the age she actually is ....

I think I would prefer the inital glance at me to be the opposite (i.e. I think I would rather people at first glance perhaps think I am older but then notice quickly--because of my face and dress etc.--that I am younger vs. initially iniatially thinking I am 'younger' and then realizing that I am in fact the age I am....

I dunno....

Hey funwow... Thanks for the inspiring photo gallery. I too think that current styling is key, with hair and clothes. I have hit my weight goal, am building a new hip wardrobe and ironically, am scheduled for a touch up tomorrow. dying does grow old doesn't it? I was thinking that I need new hair but I'm still feeling apprehensive to take the gray plunge. However, the every day pony tail has got to get updated... reinvented... something. Something low maintenance but fresh and fabulous.

C. McCain... just looks like she got a better hair style to me, not younger. Younger is not really the goal for me... Sharp, current, sophisticated, polished, and hot... yeah, hot is good, that's what I want to achieve.

What's your time frame to find a job? Maybe we can take the plunge together?

 Again, thanks for the link and inspiration. And yes, seeing women in our age range with nice gray hair is rare... another reason why I want to do it and do it well.

This is a very interesting thread......I have only thought of dyeing once or twice in my life.  I never started because I didn't want to have to continue.  I have used a henna rinse a few times.  When I started to really see gray I decided to cut my hair.  There were 2 reasons.  I was pregnant and it was getting on my nerves and hot, and I was over 40 and decided that I needed it shorter.  At one point, in my 20's I think, I sat on my hair.  Guys loved it but I realize now that I used it as a shield to hide my fatness.  Anyway, I cut my hair WAY off - ear/chin length.  I have naturally curly hair so it bounced up even shorter.  I cried at first but then realized that the gray is less noticible.  I had very light brown hair growing up but it's darkened so much as I've aged that it's very dark, a brownish black now.  Makes the gray very out there.  I am lucky in that I don't have clumps but I don't think  would change it now for anything.  I have earned these grays!

Original Post by yoga44:

"I think part of what is coming out in these discussions is people's mapping of specific appearance attributes to age and then to other negative images.  Come on everyone - 90% of women in their 40s have grey hair!  Get over this perception of grey=old.  You don't think of 40s as old, do you?  The only reason you think of gray as old is that women won't let themselves be natural until they are 60!  Break the link - challenge perceptions by a) showing that grey does NOT equal "old" by example and b) don't judge others by the color of their hair.  If you have a friend that looks "great" with colored hair and "old" with gray hair, you are guilty! "...by yoga44

************************

I totally agree... I think because it is so rare for those of us in our 30s and 40s to let the gray be we all have these mental schemas that say gray=elderly.  Schemas can be challenged and changed though and I guess if more of us walked around looking hip with gray the gray=blue/rinse/curlset schema will go away.

Silver and gray are beautiful colours!  I have always wondered why on earth blond is so sought after but not silver because actually silver is even more sparkly and eye catching...maybe blond=young schema is what that is all about (i.e. young kids tend  to have lighter hair)...

Anyway, maybe I'll have to resort to becoming a middle aged goth--then it will be acceptable for me to have chunks of silver and gray!

I would also challenge that odd notion that people who are of a certain age need to have short hair...frankly very short hair (the kind sported by many women in my family--and I am not talking about a hip pixie cut but rather like just cut if off) not only ages them but also masculizes them (again not talking about everyone but I have some relatives in mind who look like twins of their husband...).

btw..I have not gotten the hang of replying and quoting yet...I need to slow down and take the time I guess...

 

 

 

resp to franchellb

My time frame to find a job is more or less now....I am currently finishing the last year of a new degree that I have been working on while I was home with my kids and I am open to going back right away.

I have just started to apply for a couple...no luck yet.

So I might be willing to go gray fairly soon...currenlty I use a temporary rinse so I suppose I could just stop...though I suspect the rinse I use is not completely temporary because while I was pregnant a few years back I stopped dying and the stain faded but did not completely go away... I think I would do a very short cut and grow it out that way...my hair is very curly so that does not appeal to me that much--also I don't tend to think I suit very short hair....

I also challenge that notion of short hair is MORE age appropriate for older women. IMO, it depends on the condition of ones hair and the style. Emmy Lou Harris looks AMAZING with her long silver hair. I think gray can be nice regardless of length.

edit: I would  have to cut mine very short to start also. But I intend to grow it back. Those rinses... Do they ever really wash out completely? I was never succesful with that.

Well, Hell's bells, I found my first grey hair when I was 15 and began plukking them out, by the time I was 24 I began dying it my normal brown color. I am 44 now and am experiencing hair loss due to thyroid cancer (and too high a dose of Levoxyl!) so I will keep dying it until my eyesight begins to fail and I cannot get it on the hair..................hahahahahahahahahahahah ahaha!!!!

Julie 

Hairstylist of over 20 years chimming in.

I feel either is good, what ever you are happy with. I am not biased in favor of coloring if that's not the choice for you.

With that said, my personal experience is that I have had a few clients over the years go through the same dilemma and decide to go through the difficult process of growing out their colored hair... going from roots to 2 tone (they weren't ready to cut it all off) to almost all grown out 2 tone, only to realize that once it was all grown out that the grey they had wasn't that shiney silver that those 1 in a million have or that grey wasn't becoming to their complection and ultimately that grey aged them a good 10 years.

On the flip side, I have actually had a client cut her hair short and wear it grey because she had a high powered job in a man's industry and felt people gave her more respect due to the appearence of "maturity". It worked for her. She definitely was the exception.

So, I just thought I would offer the years of experience I have gained and hopefully assist you in making your decision.

The great thing about hair is that nothing is ever THAT permanent. You can always grow it out or color it!