Grieving the loss of a relationship....

My boyfriend broke up with me Jan. 13th and moved out of our place. It's been quite a roller coaster of despair, acceptance, terror, confusion, rage, empowerment, etc. My eating hasn't gotten out of control which is nice. But sometimes my head wont' shut up and I have so much remorse and regret and disorientation and that knawing despair that you'll never be happy again, that you lost "the one", that trying is futile, that you don't know how to love and that's why this keeps happening. Anyway, I'm sure some of you have gone through similar cicumstances and the reason people split up is irrelevant. I'm concerned with the feelings and what people did for themselves to heal. I know I'm already doing a lot of the right things but you can never have enough support or counsel during a time of loss. Thank you for your kind words.

My heart goes out to you...  I've been through heart break a few times thinking I had lost the one.  Focus on yourself right now the right one is still ahead of you. 

All you can really do is focus on other things...school..hobbies..whatever

I picked up cross stitching and now I do it when i feel like eatting....

really anything you enjoy can keep your mind off the issue.

Surround yourself with music, art, and friends you love.

Start going to a dance class or something. Spend time with people you may have negelected for a bit. Get back in touch with yourself.
Good luck, I know how it is!

<33

Hi,  I'm going thru the same thing right now, he broke up with me on the 12 of Jan and moved out.  I am feeling the same way you are right now.  During the week at work isn't bad but the weekends are pretty tough at times.  I try to fill up my weekend with outside activities.  What we need to do right now is focus on ourselves ONLY!  This is the best time to get into shape, find new hobbies and get in touch with old friends again.  I have good days and bad but we need to give ourselves time to heal and once our hearts are open again we will meet that special someone.  It's the law of attraction, we attract good things into our lives when we feel good on the inside.  I'm here for you.

I know how you feel ...

It will get better though :)     

I found the best thing to do is to allow yourself time to grieve - but, not too long - the one thing to remember is that love can be replaced - sounds cynical I know but it's true - there are other's out there that you haven't met yet that could/will be your dream come true match made in heaven...but in order to find that someone - take this time to work on yourself. 

Firstly - make yourself financially independent then hold onto that no matter what - knowing you have the means to look after yourself is empowering and gives you peace of mind knowing that no matter what...you will be ok in that regard

Become a strong person who can do things with/or without a lover

Make strong female friendships and do NOT let those slide when you get into an new relationship! 

Just get to the place where having a relationship is the icing on the cake and not ALL of the ingredients!

It really takes time - I was where you are - I used to look at happy couples and hate them...it was all consuming - make a choice to climb out - it's not that life CAN be good again - it's that it WILL be good again!! 

Hugs to you!!

All the advice you're getting here is good.  When I was 23 I broke off an engagement of 2.5 years and I felt almost like I died or something because everything I had thought my future would be was just...gone.

Just focus on yourself, go out with friends, have fun...that's what I did.  And you know, everything happens for a reason.  If I had gone through with the wedding to THAT guy I'd be in a very very bad place instead of with my current BF who's more amazing than I ever fathomed someone could be.  He just wasn't the right guy for you, as much as you thought he was.  We like to plan things way out in advance in our lives, but we forget that there might be some twists in the road that we don't anticipate, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I feel for you.  What you are going through is very hard and I'm sure that at times it seems like the hurt will never go away.  What I did was to focus on all of my positive attributes.  I decided to take some classes, go out with friends, reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in awhile.  Try to find things to do that will consume your mind and body, ie, train for a marathon or take a difficult class in something, get that degree or accomplish that goal you've put off.  I also took a realistic inventory of the relationship, the person, etc.  You'll find that maybe it wasn't all that you think it was.  Hang in there!  Things will get better....Paa

I don't envy what you're going through.  It is certainly a very difficult set of emotions to get through and manage.  Try to remember when you've been through this before... if yes, do you remember getting past it? 

Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness... it's the most useful tool I've ever used, for virtually everything. 

There are zillions of books, literature, etc on the subject.  Like I said, I've never found a better tool to deal with my emotions.

www.tahoeinstitute.com/mindfulness

I'm going to say basically what everyone else is saying.  Get into absolute awesome kick ass shape.  Be as happy as you can with yourself all on your own.  And make yourself busy. Busy busy busy busy busy.  Do things. Try new things. Don't let any oppportunities pass you  by. Spend lots of time with friends doing fun activities.  And be good to yourself.  I moved out of my apartment with my boyfriend 11 months ago. I am still working on it, but I'm doing okay! It's hard work, but eventually you will feel better. Time time time.

Original Post by anewdawn:


Make strong female friendships and do NOT let those slide when you get into an new relationship! 

(sorry i am responding really late but still)

if i could write the NOT in a HUGE red font i would.

honestly, i am going through quite hard times with my friends who sort of let our friendships slide out as soon as they found a lover (and being out of my own relationship for almost 2 years hasnt helped either).

i was very surprised when i started seeing this (neglectng friends) happening a few years ago and i sort of still am

my friends (both female and male) have either moved out of town or started families and now, friendships are not important to them. fir me friendship was always a priority even when having a lover, and i sort of balanced the two, but as i see, this is not always the case. i "invested" a lot in my relationships and now the friends are gone. we sort of keep in touch but having experiences TOGETHER and writing someone an email about experiences with lover, child, dog etc. are NOT the same thing.

honestly, i feel very disappointed. i do not find new friends very easily (i have many acquaintances, but becoming close takes me a long time) so although i know i should find new people, it takes time and i am not that eager anymore now when i see that my "friends" have more used me for a transitional phases in their lives (having someone to spend time with before they settle with a lover/spouse) ans exchanged me SO EASY for other "pastimes". this might sound more bitter than it really is, i have sourely found some positives in this (such as being more mature and not leaning for others) but being neglected by people who i thought were close hurts a LOT

 

double post

I am going through a very similar situation.  I moved from one coast of Canada to the other with my partner of 5 years.  We moved for his job opportunity and luckily I was able to transfer with my company.  7 months after we arrived, 1 month after our 5 year anniversary, he decided he needed to find himself and be independent - out of the blue.  So here I was left to figure out what to do next.  I moved to Toronto (where I had lived before) because my closest friends were all there and I felt I needed a support network more than anything in order to get through this.  It was very, very hard, and continues to be.  Here I am 10 months later and just this past Monday I found out that he's actually been seeing someone else from about a month after we broke up - the first date of which happened only a couple of weeks after I left him, our cat, our condo and our life in Vancouver.  I didn't harbour any anger until now - I feel very used, betrayed and lied to - and played for a fool.  I have had 10 months to feel everything I thought I had to and was happy he was figuring life out for himself, as he wanted to - and then I find out it was all a lie.  So I feel as though I am starting this healing process all over again - only this time it's not quite as bad as I don't expect the recovery time to take as long and I know this is the absolute closure I need in order to clean up from this and move on with my life.  I also know I will be the better one for it all as I am the one who actually felt everything there was to feel and dealt with it - I didn't bury it.  It is so important to feel it all - it hurts like hell but you need to feel it in order to heal from it and not carry that baggage around with you, so that you can move forward and eventually find a real relationship with someone else.  It doesn't happen overnight, and from what I've been told by friends and counselors alike it takes 1/2 as long as the relationship lasted to fully get through it and feel ok with it all, if you do it right and allow yourself to feel and heal...that's 2 1/2 years for me.  And I'm okay with that - it makes sense to me.  If you truly were in love with someone and your life's plan was to spend the rest of your life with them you can't just shrug that off overnight...those who do were never truly in love and honest with their intents in the first place.

You will make it through.  Find bright spots along the way in activities you love, spending time with friends new and old, and taking care of you - exercise, proper budgeting, r&r, career focus - so that when you are healed you are 200% you and can give someone the real, wonderful, fully happy and independent you.  In the trying moments, and they will become moments as opposed to days and weeks, stop and centre yourself and practice deep breathing exercises - and gain clarity on what is truly important...you.