Growing up with no self-esteem and becoming suddenly hot.

Hey all,

This is my first post; I'm a 21-year-old college student who has been overweight since birth (!) and obese since puberty.  Recently, I lost almost 40 lbs., and while I still have 20 more to go until I am in a healthy weight range, I have been attracting a lot of attention lately.  Lots more than I've ever been used to.  And while I always thought, growing up, that as soon as I started to lose weight, I would start gaining an equal proportion of self-esteem, I've discovered that it's not really working like that for me.  I still don't have any self-esteem, even though for the first time in my life I'm attracting a large amount of the "good type" of attention to my body.  If anything, it just makes me more self-conscious.

I have all my life taken these stares as negative and judgmental.  I know that they are not so much that anymore; but they still make me just as, if not more, uncomfortable in my skin.  I guess I'm just not comfortable with attracting any attention to my body yet.  Has anyone else experienced something similar?  How did you start to build a self-concept of being beautiful?

Thanks so much!!

Erin 

thats life, love. i went through it too. try to stay grounded. for me, i feel so awkward and uncomfortable when its happening, then i go home and like have a mini happy-freak out because im like ahhhh boys think im sexy! me! but then think of it this way: where were they when i was fat? im still the same person. same personality, same attitude...so yeah, it feels great, and enjoy it. but the way i deal with it is by looking at it like that: they're shallow jerks.

we've always been great people. now we're thin and suddenly people want to just simply be in our presence? shame on them. we're too good for that.

sorry if that came off as snotty and arrogant, but it makes me angry sometimes. 

It makes me angry too :(  To be honest, hatred for shallow jerks is one of the reasons I gave for not losing weight for such a long time.  But in the end, I decided that if I were skinny, I'd love myself more, and decided to go for it.  But I don't love myself more.  I'm actually becoming more depressed as I lose more weight.  That's not saying that I'm going to stop; it's just that I'm finding physical attractiveness a lot more meaningless than I'd ever imagined.

The skinnier me that people find attractive is still "not really me," it's someone else.  I just... expected to feel more validated by weight loss, I guess.  Instead of "Wow, I'm so awesome, look at these great things I'm doing," I feel disconnected from my new body.  I wonder if this is common.

First of all I LOVE your cc name! I heart the goonies!
After I grew boobs I had an old boyfriend tell me that I 'got hot'. Awkward much? I always take stares in a bad way and I suppose I've developed a somewhat hostile exterior because of it.  Anyway, remember that you're losing the weight for you. For you to be healthier, to feel better.  Do things that make you feel like you and your body are one; I'm a crazy yoga person. LOVE it. I also know people who do rock climbing or biking as a way of creating that 'connection'.

I understand what you're going through, except I'm not getting any more attention than I used to get.

I just keep reminding myself that I lost weight to save my life, because I was heading down a pretty dangerous path. 

Dont let anyone else get you down about your weight loss or how you look. I know I was always overweight and looked worse then my good friend jess. I was always the one the boys didnt want to date. well now that I have lost weight and guys are attracted to me and I wear clothes that look good. She is jealous. Never wants to go out anywhere with me ever. as if I dressed her size three body in the size eight pants and extra large t shirt.

Thing is dont let other peoples insecurities get to you.

Interesting connection you've made about your self esteem being possibly only tangentially related to your body image.

When I was a size 6 and got a lot of attention from men, I hated it.  I felt self-conscious, yes, but also threatened by it, and was kinda scared of men.  Then I gained weight and became invisible.  That's frustrating too, but I did feel safer (wrongly - because rapists will attack fat women).

So, maybe the answer is you have to learn to love your real self and not focus so much on the shell that contains YOU?  Focus on overall health and well-being, which includes having a fit body, an agile mind, and a passionate and resilient spirit....

:)

I agree with nomo. Focus on growing your mind and spirit, getting self-esteem from sources other than your appearance - honestly, that's good advice regardless, because looks don't last forever.

Use your reason, and your instincts, to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to male interest.

Don't make your self-concept of being beautiful, dependent on your slenderness. It's good to develop a concept of feeling beautiful regardless.

And it's normal to feel self-conscious, as a young woman. Young women are so objectified in this culture!! Just work on feeling comfortable in your own skin, confident, and worthy - as a human being, not as a "pretty girl".

I had zero self esteem when I was in my late teen, early 20s and a size 2 (or 0). I had a higher self esteem at a size 4-6, 10 years later, and even more now that I need to lose weight. It has nothing to do with the weight, but more with getting older and working on those self-esteem issues.

Challenge yourself to do hard things, and then accomplish them...I know of no other way to build self-esteem.

Self-esteem has nothing to do with how you look, honey.

The results of gaining self-esteem are being able to trust yourself and your decisions. Being able to care for yourself regardless of anyone else's actions. Learning to love who you are, and share that love with the world.

yeah i know how you feel about being disconnected from your body. i still feel like the same fat girl, and sometimes when i look in the mirror i dont see a difference, and sometimes i do, and when i do im like "omg...who is that person"

dont be depressedabout your appearence, be happy because you're healthy! just ignore those people. you are too good for them. thats how i look at it. again im not trying to sound arrogant or snotty but think about how people treated you at your heaviest. did you treat people heavier than you like that? i cant speak for you, but i know i didnt, because i wasnt shallow! i talk to people and like people for who they are! so now that i "look like" a thin person, suddenly they all want to be around me, look at me, hang out with me? screw them.

my boyfriend is overweight. when i was too, people constantly told us what a cute couple we were. now guys are coming up to me, im not making this up, and asking what i am doing with him. and i want to punch them in the face. 

Been there, done that.. I feel your pain.
I'm 56 now. I look at my photographs of the time I was 20, and was I hot. Did I know it? no. Was I able to enjoy it? no. I was 5'3" and 110 lbs, and I thought I was fat, ugly and couldn't understand why I got so much attention from men.
From my perspective, it takes a loving mother to tell her child how beautiful she is from the earliest age to build self esteem. I didn't have that loving mother, I had a very competitive narcissistic mother who criticized me in every way she could. I felt worthless.
I was lucky though, in my 30's and after becoming a mother myself, I found an excellent therapist who taught me how to become my own loving mother and build my self esteem.
You have to begin by looking in the mirror and tell yourself how you deserve to be loved for who you are and then love yourself.
Good luck and get to work on it.

Ha!  You guys are all so sweet!  I totally *figured* it would be something that would just happen as I got older and more capable of... just, letting go of this kind of issue. This website is the best weight loss resource I could EVER imagine.

I know exactly what you mean, but from a completely different perspective.  When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I had a very nice figure (not that I really appreciated it at the time) which gained a few pounds each year, but I just didn't know how to handle men drooling, especially when they were inappropriate.  It really wasn't until my late 20s and my 30s that I learned to relax and just roll with a compliment and shut down the obnoxious ones.

At all sizes, 8-14 (120-187 lbs), I've gotten plenty of attention, so it's not the weight that really mattered.  I'm 5'5" BTW.  I found that just being exposed more to them made me more comfortable with dealing with them.  I am much more able now to just laugh and say thank you to a compliment without being afraid that I've invited an inappropriate advance.  If a guy persists, then I've got a plethora of excuses from the bf (fake or real doesn't matter) to just plain no.  I also found that the younger guys really had a harder time keeping their comments appropriate...with the older guys who make remarks, I just play dumb.

BTW, I had a very loving family, they just weren't very big on physical beauty, plus my mom wouldn't let me wear tank tops until I was 18 or even date until I was 16!  I still have a hard time with the purely physical compliments, I'd much rather hear that I'm smart or sweet or talented at something.

I have always had self esteem issues, well, ever since I was in Jr High and got made fun of for being fat. Up until then, I didn't even realize that I was. I can remember being carefree and comfortable in my skin. But when the jokes started flying at me - it was like I built a shell around myself and I hated the way I look.  To this day I am still not comfortable in my skin. I cannot even let myself believe it when someone tells me that I am beautiful. I just have a hard time accepting that someone like me could even be considered beautiful. At 5'6" and 230 pounds, I am at least, if not more, 90 pounds overweight. I won't even look at myself in the mirror when I am getting ready to get in the shower. It just disgusts me.

I guess it doesn't help to be watching a movie with my bf and see him drooling over some topless skinny girl. We have had several fights because he has already told me that I am the first bigger girl that he has dated and he makes such a production over seeing these topless, skinny girls in the movies. I have pretty much stopped going to the movies with him because I am tired of it.

While I am venting....and I am really sorry for that, but has anyone seen the movie Good Luck Chuck? There are some pretty uncalled-for scenes, one of which involves where Chuck puts his 'luck' to the test by having sex with a fat girl. Not only is she fat - but they make her out to be a disgusting slob who actually leans over and farts loudly when he starts talking to her. It really makes me mad when I see stuff like this. I can't help but feel that it was an insult to all of the bigger people out there. People in society today don't see how wrong it is - almost like its politically correct to make fun of someone who is fat. It's no wonder that a majority of the teenaged actresses and models look anorexic.

Congratulations on your success in shedding the weight - I'm sure it is so much healthier where you are now.  That is what motivates me - not how others see me.  However, I'm not so sure I'd jump on the wagon to call everyone shallow because they give us attention when we look closer to the cultural concept of beauty/sexy.  After all, we are animals, and every species has their ways of managing attraction.  I'm not sure if you all buy into the Darwinian theories around this, but if nothing else, it gives me a way of dropping the judgment.  People are just being normal.  It still takes as long to truly get to know someone and determine if they are potentially good for us as friends or lovers. 

Another thing - my partner always says this:  "If there are two interpretations of something and yours is more empowering, I'll take it."  So whenever I'm feeling down about how I look, and am told I'm beautiful, I just take it as the better opinion and try to give mine up.   Finally, what great advice about giving yourself challenges - I wholeheartedly agree!  I did a triathlon 2 years ago - never before imagining myself as athletic or fit - and it was incredible - not just to finish, but not to finish last!!!

I lost 90 lbs and I feel like I look the same! I dont see a bit of change! I can totally relate!

Im pretty much at the same point as you, and I am having the same problems!!!! Im older, 30, but I have lost 46 and I have 18 to go. I am really not comfortable atracting attention, but luckily I have had my husband helping me  build up my self esteem over the past 11 years, so, it's been easier accepting it. I think it is important to have a person in your life that you love and trust, that loves and trusts you back. 
Everyone is right, Physical apperance has little to do with self esteem. Love and acceptance of who you are, that is  the most important aspect of self esteem. You can do that at any size, and degree of "hotness". 
And although I have been working on this since 18, I still want to hide in a sad sack dress when I see people looking at me, or complimenting me on my looks! ack! I wish I had more advice, sorry!
tootles!
Jenn

Hello,

I went through the same thing when I dropped 35lbs. I felt weird, becuase although I had never been a loner, I always had friends, and never been treated badly, I felt so bad that people were actually paying attention to me.

#1. Society has this screwed up image of what body type is acceptable.  when I was in high school, I overheard the DJ (woman) say that size 12 was pretty normal and size 14 was way huge. As a teen, like you, I was always pretty heavy, Top heavy, bottom heavy, you name it. And to hear someone on the radio call a 14 huge, made me feel even worse.

#2. People that would previously ignore me were all of a sudden in the picture, and very close to me.  I had many guy friends, and never had a problem with them hitting on me, well becuase I wasnt their type. lost 35 lbs, and I was their type!

Original Post by marillita:

#2. People that would previously ignore me were all of a sudden in the picture, and very close to me. I had many guy friends, and never had a problem with them hitting on me, well becuase I wasnt their type. lost 35 lbs, and I was their type!

They've got it backwards...they're not your type.  If they weren't interested 35 lbs ago, then there's not much point in getting romantically involved with them now. They're mostly after the hot body which is yours to enjoy where and how you will, not theirs to try to stake a claim to because they've known you.  If you're interested in them, you can let them know, but I'd be very careful about ruining a friendship when a romance gets involved.

I was always very very quite and introverted in the grades K-8... it wasnt until I got into highschool that I opened up and suddenly became "hot"... it was so wierd. I don't know if it was my personality, makeup, hair or a mixture of everything... but during this time I was never concerned about my weight...

I gained about 15lbs that year because my school was right across from fast food places.. I was never fat... about 117lbs.

The problem was first that I got bad skin... this was terrible, it made me feel very selfconcious and ugly... But I got Proactiv Solution (works!! highly reccomend it) and I didnt feel so gross anymore... now I could deal with my next problem... 'unessessary weight'

When I started watching what I ate, and cut out refined carbs I dropped down to 105lbs... It was a good weight for me...

then things went downhill... lots of drama, lots of heartbreak... long story

105lbs--->87lbs

hitting my lowest did not make me happy or "hot" (well false belief to myself at the time said i did look good... but no one else thought so) ...I have gained some of the weight back since then, and I do look and feel better now.

Right now since I am happy and healthy, I feel that I am the "hottest" that i have ever been lol... if you are happy with yourself then you are so much more beautiful.