Guilty thoughts of GAINING!

Okay so I am doing well with recovery. I am going to my support group and nutritionist. I know that I need to gain and I know that I will do this not only for myself, but for my future and for my family! I want this ED gone more than anything in this world. The thing is, yesterday I had a bad day because I upped my cals and I guess it was the first time that I felt like a bottomless pit...the more that I ate the more that I wanted. I have never been a binger but is this normal? And even though I do need to gain for this recovery to happen, what way should I be thinking about this without focusing on the numbers because that is what freaks me out!? So anyone with any advice on guilty gaining thoughts please feel free to message me or reply because yesterday was a great step...but it was full of that awful guilt that NEEDS to go away!

I can relate because I have a lot of guilt. My calories are high and I have stuck to my plan and gaining weight. I know I have to for the chance at a life but for me there is still the feeling. For right now I just remind myself that is not rational and for me what it means. Its not so much guilt but fear of the unknown,etc. I know the longer I stick to my recovery the less the negative feelings come in. Stay strong.

It's totally normal when you're 'refeeding' for your body to just reach for anything and everything it can get its hands on! And it seems the more you have to gain, the more often it'll happen, but it's a good sign, actually--it means your hunger is becoming regulated again, and you'll be able to maintain without worrying about eating too little or too much. So during the recovery process, just eat when you're hungry, and eat what you crave [eat like a teenager! haha]. The most encouraging fact I can give you is that it WILL subside once you gain, and the best you can do is obey it so you don't restrict and restrict yourself from certain foods and it comes back tenfold. Once you maintain, your body will be just hungry enough for the PROPER amount of calories, and you'll have a heartily healthy appetite!

Hang in there! I'm currently in the same boat. It's so hard to up your cals and eat more, especially when those thoughts are still rearing their ugly heads, but you know it's something you have to do. I agree with revolution3 about listening to your body. Hunger signals are a good thing! Remember, normal people eat when they're hungry and whatever they want, not what's "safe" or at a pre-determined time. We have to work to get back to that level, and we can do it! Stay strong sweetie, we can beat this ugly disease together. 

Just chiming in to say yep, this is normal. And the guilt is just the hateful voice of the ED trying to lure you back.

One thing I ended up doing that may or may not be helpful is I watched my friends who did not have EDs to see how they behaved and I asked them if they felt guilty eating normal food (normal as in healthy). Of course they looked at me like I was nuts--so it was all part of the demystifying process to get my ED out in the open where it could wither and die.

Big hugs, you ladies can do this!

I know exactly how you feel.

Sometimes I even eat outside my high meal plan because I'm just so hungry sometimes.  Our bodies know what they need and you need to keep telling yourself that everything your doing is the right thing and the healthy thing.  Its not what ED wants, its what you want.

We can do this, just keep on telling yourself that this discomfort is temporary and you are stronger than ED.  Push past it.  If you need any support, message me.  Full is not a feeling, just a sensation.  The weight we need to gain is all HEALTHY.  Keep on recovery.

I wanted to shout out a huge THANKS to everyone who responded. I still am battling with these guilty thoughts...so if anyone else has anything to add that would be great...I am really trying to ignore them though, which seems to be helping me today!

Battling is ok, ya know? That means you are not just rolling over and playing dead. Better to battle than retreat :-)

Tell you one of the negative tapes I'm currently working on getting rid of--I have this notion that I'm not athletic. Which on the face of it is not true, but that stupid voice in my head says otherwise.

Well so here's the thing. I am athletic, and YOU are worthy of eating a sensible life-sustaining diet. So today I will be working on erasing that stupid tape, and I am hoping you are with me in spirit as you banish the tape that says you shouldn't eat.

Contrary thanks for your advice and kind words of wisdom. I know that battling is okay and I am glad that you are working on your athletic notion as well. I actually am just really feeling bloaty and big, which I know is not the case but still. The part of recovery that I am finding to be the hardest is eating normally and experiencing the aftermath, whether it is mental or physical. I just need to get over the hump that I do need food and I have increased my calories majorly, I am just scared to see that # increase too...the fear is insanely stong! But I know that we will pull through this..good luck to you and good luck to us all!

Bump bump bump it up!!

Hey lovely. I try to focus on everything that I'm gaining that Isn't weight related. And when i think about the # increasing, I think about women who are at a healthy weight who look amazing (i.e. the lost chick- 5"5' and 120!). People carry their weight differently, so a specific number doesn't look the same on everyone. Just think, you have the power to decide how the number will go up- with healthy, lean, toned, sexy, booty muscle perhaps?! I struggle with this too, so don't worry, i'll help keep this thread babumed up- but I find that going to the other thread that was recently started about things you've gained/learned from ED and rereading those helps with my guilty thoughts also. Think of london babe!! 

Thanks Jess and to everyone who has posted here. Still having those thoughts even on maintanence calories alone. I need like a way to not feel so bloated so that I don't feel like a pig when I eat normal amounts of food. Oh well, I guess going to my support group tonight will boost my mood...hopefullly!

Mornin again! I really hope the support group will give a bit of insight tonight- make sure you post any inspiration you get from their experiences here- I'm sure we could all use to hear it! Hopefully my scary yesterday experience is enough to push you to fake it till you make it in getting those cals Above maintanence. Perhaps we will always feel a little guilty, but I think that at the moment the guilt is exacerbated by the fact that our bodies are still underweight and it's therefore still interferring with proper logical thinking. And the bloating thing I still don't really have any great ideas on. I'm big on Lots  o' water, maybe ask the support group about that too- if so many of us here are experienceing it I'm sure that some of the women there went through the same thing in their recovery and worked Through it.

Are you feeling bloated because you are eating all your calories in one sitting? Or are you feeling bloated only in your head?

You can always spread out the calories all day long, just graze away. But if this is just the ED spreading its nasty lies, then take a good look at your gorgeousness and tell the ED to get stuffed.

Contrary, I believe you could be right! I actually do feel bloated whenever it is the end of the night and I am trying to up all the calories and everything. I know this could be fixed by eating more during the day, but honestly I eat like every hour so I guess maybe eventually my stomach will get use to the food and stretch out a little (sounds rather gross to think about though).

As far as ED spreading its nasty lies....I definitely would have to say that it really is a mental thing and I do find myself all of a sudden becoming bloated because I am thinking that I shouldn't eat more than I already have. Thanks for your advice because now I am going to go grab a snack. I just had lunch an hour ago but I could go for a snack I guess. I had a few pieces of sushi a serving of honey mustard pretzels and a salad with chickpeas and olives and mushrooms. But I think Ill go grab something else. YOU are so right...I WILL NOT LET ED REAR ITS NASTYNESS!!!

I have been feeling particularly guilty today, and ED thoughts are rearing their nastiness although I keep trying to tell them to "get stuffed!" (I Loved that by the way, Awesome insult contrary, if i'm gonna feel stuffed then they can effing get stuffed!). I keep having weird justifications of 'well, maybe i'll just wait until christmas so i dont feel so guilty when I eat holiday food in front of my family' or 'maybe new years...' but then I realize that this is a Process. I DESERVE to eat today just as much as I Deserve to eat during the holidays! My body NEEDS nourishment Every day, not just when someone else is here to watch me feed it! Sure, eating over my maintenance calories Will make me gain, it should, but we have to remember that it is a Slow process, I'm not going to turn elephant any time before the holidays- or ever for that matter. So remember, our body needs and requires and Deserves nutrients EVERY day and we should have the respect to nurture it back to health!!!

Jess I totally can relate to the thoughts of "waiting until Christmasso that I don't feel so guilty when I eat holiday food", but why wait??? I am so glad that you realize and that I realize that this is a slow process, but that waiting to change isn't helping. We are changing!! I know that ED creeps in during times when I am alone or in the shower or in front of the mirror, but now whenever I think a bad thought, I honeslty try to tell myself that I am worth so much more. That I DOO love myself and my body no matter what. I mean when I think about being malnourished for so long it really upsites me that I would hurt myself that way and not care...well I DO CARE and I am starting to respect myself more by getting healthier. I know that once I get healthier I will be much happier and what a feeling that will be!!

I am banishing my guilty thoughts to my journal and away from my eating habits....my body is a temple and I must cherish it with each and every day!!!

Agh, you're so inspiring, and I completely, COMPLETELY agree!  We have to be so good to ourselves -- what could possibly be more worthwhile in our lives?  I've been having such draining thoughts today, but have pulled through and gotten my cals in.  It's frustrating that it can be such a slog to be good to myself, but as long as we pull through in the end, it can only get easier.

Folkloric you are right on the money...It is frustrating but we have to be good to ourselves and it can only get easier. Like this morning I woke up and instead of laying around for as long as I could in bed contemplating whether or not to eat, I hopped right up and went downstairs to make breakfast. I refuse to jump on the scale because today I don't care and hopefully tom I won't either. The more we cherish our bodies..the more they will thank us in return and help us to live life to the fullest with ENERGY and LOVE!

AHHH! I am feeling so frustrated and depressed. Well the deal is as long as i was under a certain weight, i would have to get weighed/vitals 3x a week...so today i went in and saw that i gained TWO POUNDS since monday!!! Though I am now in a new weight bracket because of this gain, which means i only need to get vitals/weighed 2x a week....I am SO TRIGGERED AND DEPRESSED that i gained 2 lbs in two days! I know it can't possibly be fat weight or whatever but all of a sudden I see myself as so much fatter than I did like yesterday for instance...stupid ED! I don't know...and the thing is I also had a meeting with my dean today who outlined the conditions in order for me to return to school for spring semester, and my weight has to be a pound more than my current (as of this morning) in order to be allowed to attend classes...and I feel like I am going crazy.

I'm feeling so low right now :( and I even cut for the first time in two years! :( I guess I just need some support because my urges to restrict/exercise are so intense that I can't focus on studying for my finals or anything else.

Thanks in advance

You can do this. Take a step back, turn off your brain and remember to breathe. Seriously breathe deeply. I bet your shoulders are up above your ears.

I'm guessing you have a therapist, right? Any chance you can get in for a quick visit? Would that be helpful to you?

If not, or if that's not something you think would help, then keep posting here. Put away your cutting stuff, better yet throw them away. And distract your brain from the constant chatter the ED is sending your way. Read a book, listen to music, take a nap, do some yoga--whatever is soothing and not harmful to you, go do it now.