Guy issues =[

This is such a typical teenage post, but I have no idea what to do. I've been so, so in love with this amazing boy named Alex since 8th grade (I'm in 10th now). We were good friends last year and we've had honors classes together since 7th grade, but I rarely see him now. It still hurts knowing that he probably doesn't think of me, but I'm starting to pull myself back together from all those hopeless emotions of the past two years.

Friday night, I went out rollerblading with my really good friends Jessica, John, and Justin (John and Justin are cousins). Jessica and John like each other and they spent most of their time together (John asked her out at the very end), which left Justin and I. It was all going pretty well until a "couples-only" song came on and Justin smiled at me and took my hand. Afterwards, Jessica told me that Justin said he really liked me, but John told Justin that I didn't feel the same way (which is true). After that, Justin didn't really talk to me and he sat near the lockers and just looked really sad. Somehow (I have no idea how), he worked up the courage to ask me to skate with him during the very last couples-only song and he held my hand even though he knew I didn't return his feelings. While we were waiting for our rides to pick us up, it was really cold because it was 11 at night and Justin saw me shivering so he put his arms around me and held me. I've been liking him more and more since school started again, but not enough to say I have deep feelings for him and it's definitely not how I felt when I loved Alex.

So here's my dilemma: I've known Justin for a very long time and he's one of my best friends. I know he's very depressed deep down for various reasons, but I'm one of the only people who knows. He says he trusts me more than anyone because I don't get involved in all the gossip of high school, but he still holds back a lot of the reasons why he's depressed. Apparently, he's had feelings for me since last year and he was really hoping that I would say yes if he asked me out Friday night. Justin is really, really sweet and cute and smart and I know he would do anything for me, and I think I would really be happy as his girlfriend. However, I've never had a boyfriend before and Alex was the first boy I ever wanted to go out with. Not seeing him this year has really broken me. It's getting a little easier, but I know a part of me is still attached to him. I really want to give Justin a chance, but I'm afraid I won't be able to get over Alex. Justin is a great guy and he deserves a girl who truly loves him. At the moment, that girl isn't me. But I'm really worried about him. From what I've picked up, he's very, very sad inside and I know Friday probably crushed him. I want him to be happy and I'm worried he might hurt himself, but I'm not completely over Alex and I know I'm not worthy of Justin's love if I don't return it equally.

I know this has been a really long post, but I need a second opinion. I'm so, so confused and I just want everyone to be happy. I haven't heard from Justin since Friday; he's not on myspace of facebook or aim. I don't know how I should talk to him or what I should say or even if I should try to talk to him at all. I trust you guys, so what do you think I should do?

Also, Justin doesn't know that I know that he likes me. Jessica told me even though she said she wouldn't, so now I'm supposed to pretend like I have no idea. =/

Well, if you haven't seen Alex in a year I'd say the chances of that working out are probably not so good. If you think you may have feelings for Justin just keep spending time with him and see where things go. If you feel comfortable starting a relationship, do it. If not, just stay friends... sounds like your friendship is good. 

Original Post by alibsam:

Well, if you haven't seen Alex in a year I'd say the chances of that working out are probably not so good. If you think you may have feelings for Justin just keep spending time with him and see where things go. If you feel comfortable starting a relationship, do it. If not, just stay friends... sounds like your friendship is good. 

That's what I was thinking, too. But just to clarify, I just haven't had classes with Alex since last year. I have seen him, though, and I've talked a little with him. It's just rare that I have more than a second's glance at him or get a smile from him before he disappears to his next class.

I'm thinking maybe I should just let things play out, like you said. I'm just worried about Justin. I don't know to what extent he's depressed, but I know it's a lot. I don't want him to do something that might get him in trouble or hurt him, or worse. =/

You could tell him you were like sooo in love this this one guy, and now you are starting to like another guy, but you still are sorta in love with the first guy, so you don't want to date the other guy til you are over the first guy and you aren't sure if you should tell the second guy.

Or you know just tell him straight up. You don't have to say that your friend told you he likes you, i'd say it's a little obvious from him putting his arms around you and stuff.

Have you ever told Alex that you like him? Maybe he has no idea and thinks you'd never go out with him because you don't feel that way about him. If you're unable to talk to him outright, then invite him to the movies -- essentialy, ask him on a date and see how he reacts. If it goes well, then you win. If not, then why not give Justin a chance if you like him a bit. Who says he's your boyfriend after one date? You don't have to jump immediately from date to boyfriend status! Good luck to you.

Original Post by bonjourlaure:

 I've been liking him more and more since school started again, but not enough to say I have deep feelings for him and it's definitely not how I felt when I loved Alex.

Don't settle. The reason for which being that it sounds like you're a great friend. He trust you. Remain as friends and if your feelings grow you can act upon it at that time. It's more responsible than jumping into something while your interest is elsewhere.

So here's my dilemma: I've known Justin for a very long time and he's one of my best friends. I know he's very depressed deep down for various reasons, but I'm one of the only people who knows.

People try to make more out of some really great friendships than they should. Sometimes we have attractive, nice, and great friends. We're actually better off not to try to make something more out of it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be his friend and see potential there when and if you feel it. You can be attacted to someone because of multiple attributes and qualities. Everyone has things about them that we like. That doesn't mean that we should or have to date them.

I want him to be happy and I'm worried he might hurt himself, but I'm not completely over Alex and I know I'm not worthy of Justin's love if I don't return it equally.

Think about yourself. This sounds selfish but it's not good to date someone out of pity. It may sound harsh to put in that term but it's true. You may be one of the closest people to him. He may tell you everything and trust you more than anyone. That's a good reason to hold off on false pretenses. You shouldn't date him until you're ready to be that girlfriend. Give yourself time to get over the other boy. Or  pursue that first. In this time he may find someone that feels for him the same way he does you. Something mutual which would be much healthier.

 I'm so, so confused and I just want everyone to be happy.

I'm sure he wouldn't want you to date him while you're hung up on someone else either. In all honesty it's just not something people enjoy.  It's not preference by any stretch of the imagination. It's undesirable. It would be something I think he should be aware of if you were to date him now. It's better when everyone is on the same page.

Also, Justin doesn't know that I know that he likes me. Jessica told me even though she said she wouldn't, so now I'm supposed to pretend like I have no idea. =/

I'd say that you're mistaken since he obviously knows you know. He wrapped his arms around you to keep you warm. He asked you to couple skate with him. He tells you things he doesn't tell anyone else to the point you're afraid he'll hurt himself if you don't go along with his ' love.' He may not know to what extent you're aware...but I'm sure that he realizes that you know. On a very serious note: Don't let someone's depression manipulate you into a relationship out of pity. It's dangerious. Just make sure people are aware your interest is elsewhere right now. That you have feelings you're still coming to terms with for someone else.  Pursue Alex or give yourself more time to get over him. In which time you may meet someone else you have mutual feelings for. Fyi: You aren't doing him a favor by keeping the fact he may be suicidal a secret. Or anyone else a favor. It's a dangerous web you're weaving. Multiple people outside of him could be hurt due to it.

Original Post by bonjourlaure:

Original Post by alibsam:

Well, if you haven't seen Alex in a year I'd say the chances of that working out are probably not so good. If you think you may have feelings for Justin just keep spending time with him and see where things go. If you feel comfortable starting a relationship, do it. If not, just stay friends... sounds like your friendship is good. 

I'm thinking maybe I should just let things play out, like you said. I'm just worried about Justin. I don't know to what extent he's depressed, but I know it's a lot. I don't want him to do something that might get him in trouble or hurt him, or worse. =/

 If that or worse happens you'll have more than enough guilt to keep you out of any relationship. This isn't because you didn't date him but because you were one of the only people he told his problems to. Since you know about his depression and how it could lead/cause potential harm. It's a horrible thing to keep on the downlow. The consequences can be almost unbearable. Dating someone isn't the key to fixing them. People bring all their hangups with them into a relationship. It's wrong to go into a relationship in order to make someone else feel happy. I'm not saying friends don't help friend lift their spirits when they're down. I'm saying that friends shouldn't be manipulated into things due to their friends depression. You sound like you care a great deal. Be careful. 

javagen- That's a good idea, but I'm honestly terrified of what Alex will say. He doesn't know that I like him, but we were really good friends last year and we used to walk together in the halls and he would wait by my locker for me. I thought maybe- MAYBE- he might like me, but I hardly get to see him anymore. He only goes to my school for the first three hours of the day. After that, he goes to a school for teenagers who are really proficient in math and science. I really only see him before first hour because one of my friend's lockers is right next to his. I just have no idea how to ask him. And now that I feel like I'm finally getting over him, I'm afraid to risk falling that hard for him again only to be rejected =[.

enchanting- WOW. Thank you so much for that response! You're right; I definitely love Justin as a friend and I don't want to jeopardize that. People do tend to make things out of friendships that weren't meant to be. I am attracted to him, but I also still hold onto the hope that Alex might like me. It's almost like I'm more in love with idea of Alex than I actually am in Alex himself, only because I don't really know him anymore. And I know you're SO RIGHT about letting Justin's depression get to me. I have no idea what to do about that. I hope he wouldn't ever commit suicide; he's never said anything about, but he has told me that he wishes he could just walk away from everything and never turn back and things like that. I totally get where he's coming from, though, because most nights I wish I could just close my eyes and never have to open them again. But I know I probably couldn't ever kill myself, and I hope he's the same way. However, I do need to clarify something. He has never used his sadness to manipulate me. I didn't mean to imply that. Justin rarely talks about it. I don't think we've ever said anything about it in person. Sometimes I'll stay up at night on AIM and we'll talk for a few hours when neither of us can sleep, and even then he hardly says anything about it. I know he's really hurt inside, though, and I just want to make sure he's okay. I get the impression that he's trying to appear stronger than he actually is by not telling me about how he feels or explaining the reasons. I try not to pressure him to talk, but I'm a little concerned. Then again, I'm a total perfectionist and everything that I don't understand steals my sleep to no end. One of the few times when he actually was willing to talk, Justin promised me that someday I'd know the whole story, and I worry about that sentence. What's he planning that will make it easier for me to know about his depression later as opposed to now? I think you're right that I shouldn't settle and I think I'll let things play out, but I still can't stop worrying over everything =/. When did high school get this complicated? It always seemed so simple when I was just watching my friends act like teenagers, and now that I'm getting involved everything seems so much more difficult...

From what I have 2 experiences in this past year with my 17 year old,  the first being she and a very good friend tried to be more than just friends this year and after about the 4th date they both decided it felt to much like dating your brother/sister.  and with the second, she just out and out ended up kind of breaking his heart kindly and then they built there friendship back up to an even better place.  I think you just need to be honest, both with yourself and with Justin.  My daughter is actually glad that she has these friend boys in her life especiallly since now they all know that nothing is going any further.  I think they are even truer friends.  Good luck sweetie,  and remember it is very hard to be a people pleaser (takes one to know one).  You can't save the world, you can only put your best foot forward and be respectful of others. 

So I take it you're like me? Ending up miserable because all you do is think of other people and try to make them happy? ='[ I just don't want anyone to be hurt or sad because of me. I usually end up causing even more pain by trying to stop it, though. Sometimes I hate myself. =/

Thanks for your kind words. I guess I really have no choice but to see how things play out. I'm just worried that I'm giving up dating a great guy only because I'm holding onto old, pointless feelings.

I am like u, but with age comes a little wisdom, and I have learned that my mission isn't to make others happy, but to do what I can for others without making myself miserable.  I actually love being able to make others happy (especially my own kids) but it took a long time to seperate how to do that without causing my own misery.  Please, please, please don't hate yourself.  You are such a cutie and have so much in front of you.  I am sending you a huge hug ((((U)))))!  Just know that every 15 year old goes through periods of self hate.   Hey actually some 40somethings go through that too. But this life is huge and FULL of fun, trauma, drama and excitment.  And you just need to appreciate what you are!  Feel free to email me, having my girls just a few years above you, I am sure they can help me with advice togive U. 

Aww thanks =] That made me smile. I know being young is hectic and you get hurt and everything, and I know it's normal to feel this way. I hate being like such a teenager, though! I'll definitely message you if I need help, and you feel free to do the same =]

Uh oh; I'm talking to him right now on AIM =/. We're both working on the same essay, apparently. We chose the same topic. But we're arguing different sides of it. Irony =X

He's apologizing about Friday. I asked him why and he says it's a long story. He doesn't want to tell me =/

Oh my god. I said something funny and he wrote that he loves me. Like how friends say it sometimes. But I don't think he felt it as a friend... ='[