Guys, thoughts? Girls, too.

So a few months ago I met this guy who was def interested in me - he chatted with me all night and even attempted to kiss me, of which, of course, I dodged turning my head. My kisses aren't free.

Anyway, so after trying to get me to go on a date with him for all of Feb, March, and part of April, I accept. We hang out, I start to like him a little, and we hit it off pretty well. The caveat, I'm very serious about my faith of which I am sure at htis point he doesn't share. I seek advice, and deep down I know, I can't be with him, even though the number of guys I've EVER liked is, um, exactly ONE - him. Doesn't matter, my faith is more important.

So, we chat. I explain how important my faith is to me, and how I need a man who shares it so he can understand me and pull with me as I live my life in fulfillment of my beliefs. He says he completely understands, let's just take it one day at a time since we like each other, and when it gets to the point where we can no longer be together, we end it. I like this idea. I don't have to give up the only guy I've ever liked right away, and I can take some time to get used to the idea of letting him go.

So, we hang out weekly for two months, both knowing that the other is dating other people. For me, it is mostly just to get to know guys and give them all a chance when they ask me out - I mean, you never know, right? Although I always assume nothing will ever happen. It's me, after all, and I'm hard to please. He is dating looking for something serious. I know this, and I'm fine with it. Well, it starts to get weird. As I meet more people in this new state I've moved to (mostly peeps he knows, too, just due to our similar hobbies and interests - the reason i met him in the first place) it becomes clear that whenever he and I are in a group situation, he completely ignores me like I don't exist, and I follow suit. I am totally cool with not acting like we are togehter - this is most likely teh circle of people he will be dating in anyway. For me, I don't care either way, I'm not a fan of dating and don't care if I date the guys in the group or not. If they ask, I'll prob give them a chance, but who knows, and I dn't care. I know it is much more important to him, and I'm fine with that. But, the total ignoring? He has lots of female friends and he talks to them out in the open - why totally ignore me? You can just treat me like normal, just another friend. But no, so I focus on the other people and get to know new people better.

As soon as this guy and I are alone, however, he totally changes and acts all nice and lovey-dovey. I like him much better this way, but it starts to bother me with the bipolar-ness. I'm not just there to be physical with, and he continually says that even though he thinks I'm really hot that it wouldn't matter if I didn't have the brains to match. So why not talk to me?

This last weekend we did lots of group things - Friday night was a party and Saturday we did teh 4th with a huge group of people we both know. So basically, when we are alone, he is either on the phone, has his tongue down my throat, or is barking out directions to wehre we are heading. In teh group situations, he totally ignores me. Then, on Monday he complains that we didnt' have any good conversations! Not only that, but I'm starting to feel like some huge secret and it's not cool. Treat me normally, please, even in a group. Just because we aren't "acting like we are dating" doesn't mean we can't just act like we know each other and are friends. After all, everyone in the group knows that I know him.

 

So my question, why is he with me? He needs the time to date other women adn get to know them. When I broke it off with him last night he got so upset and whined that I was breaking up with him. I tried to point out that it was better for him this way anyway, and that I'd just rather be single since I don't have much bf experience anyway.  He comes back with, "you are selfish."

wtf? he is selfish! he wants me to drive over to see him (he will NEVER drive to see me, no matter what, even though he has a car, too, that he doesn't drive cuz he can walk to work). So I drive to see him all the time, and then he complains that I'm hanging around people we both know too much, even though I was invited by other friends. I don't know, I just don't get it. What's going on here? I need an outside perspective. Thanks in advance - esp if you read that long-winded novel!

I am sure your mother has told you that young men have only one thing on their minds.  It is true.  Sex.

I dont think he means to be unkind to you.  But I do think that as soon as you brought up your faith he sees the changes of sex with you are nil.

It is not that he does not like you.  I am sure he does.  But his good sense is currently ruled by his drive to find sex. 

Have you dated within your faith? 

Original Post by madamq:

I am sure your mother has told you that young men have only one thing on their minds.  It is true.  Sex.

 And young girls dont have sex on their minds? (or is it they just arent allowed to say they do?)

um... is this "caveat" a faith? Im sorry for my ignorance. Why is it that you cannot be with someone who is not of your same faith?

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by madamq:

I am sure your mother has told you that young men have only one thing on their minds.  It is true.  Sex.

 And young girls dont have sex on their minds? (or is it they just arent allowed to say they do?)

The question of whether or not young women have sex on their minds is not relavant to the question the OP asked.  If you want to know about it - start a new thread.

Original Post by madamq:

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by madamq:

I am sure your mother has told you that young men have only one thing on their minds.  It is true.  Sex.

 And young girls dont have sex on their minds? (or is it they just arent allowed to say they do?)

The question of whether or not young women have sex on their minds is not relavant to the question the OP asked.  If you want to know about it - start a new thread.

 No, you were just trying to simplify his feelings to "he wants sex" ...just because he is a man....

It sounds like he is looking for a relationship and she isnt (at least with him). They were kind of "semi-dating" and he is counting on her to come around and let the relationship advance. If he just wanted sex, he would just give up and go after someone without religious hangups...but that he is still there trying to do things with her means he is interested in more than just sex. It just seems her religious issues are keeping her from allowing herself to form a relationship with him.

He's just not that into you. Lol. Cliche I know, but true. Talk to him, let him know what your problem is, if it gets fixed, then hooray, if not, then move on. :)

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by madamq:

Original Post by loriklorik:

Original Post by madamq:

I am sure your mother has told you that young men have only one thing on their minds. It is true. Sex.

And young girls dont have sex on their minds? (or is it they just arent allowed to say they do?)

The question of whether or not young women have sex on their minds is not relavant to the question the OP asked. If you want to know about it - start a new thread.

No, you were just trying to simplify his feelings to "he wants sex" ...just because he is a man....

It sounds like he is looking for a relationship and she isnt (at least with him). They were kind of "semi-dating" and he is counting on her to come around and let the relationship advance. If he just wanted sex, he would just give up and go after someone without religious hangups...but that he is still there trying to do things with her means he is interested in more than just sex. It just seems her religious issues are keeping her from allowing herself to form a relationship with him.

A guy who is sweet in private but ignores you in public does not want to start a relationship. He is keeping her on a string in case she changes her mind.  Thats the woman's perspective any way.

"Religious hangups" is pretty judgmental.  Religion is seldom a "hangup" but rather lifes guiding force for those who seek it.  Acting outside of your beliefs for a guy is not advised.  It will only lead to self recrimination and guilt.  The right guy for her will embrace her faith, honor it and support her in her beliefs.  Same for anyone else, no matter their belief in God or lack of the same.

 

I agree that  you're a "fill-in" for the times when a more likely candidate isn't around. 

You were right to break it off...if he's seriously interested in you, he'll change his ways and treat you like you SHOULD be treated, with respect, no matter who else is around. 

You sound like a wonderful young woman, and you have my admiration!  Stick to your guns, and don't let a jerk like him sidetrack you!  You're worth ever so much more than that!

Original Post by confused10111111:

So a few months ago I met this guy who was def interested in me - he chatted with me all night and even attempted to kiss me, of which, of course, I dodged turning my head. My kisses aren't free.

Sheesh. If I'd been trying to get someone to go out with me for over two months, talked to them all night and they balked at the idea of kissing me, I'd assume they weren't interested and move on. Your kisses sound too frickin expensive to be worth bothering with, perhaps that's the conclusion he's come to anyway.

Maybe it feels to him that you're the serious type. If I was "out there" like I usually am at the party scene, I don't think you'd be the person I'd be partying with. You seem really nice and caring (especially with your faith and all), so I think you're more of a friend I'd trust and hang out with casually at the mall than get dressed up and party like I'm about to die with.

If he doesn't say hi to you, that's just plain rude rude. But I mean if he doesn't strike up an entire "deep" conversation while he's at a party - that doesn't really seem abnormal to me. I don't really think "deep" when I'm just goofing around, and if some guy was trying to get me to have a sit-down talk like we normally would late at night, I'd probably pee myself laughing (not literally).

All I'm saying is, sometimes it's time to be serious and lovey-dovey and other times it's like time to goof off and have fun. That's the way it is in those kinds of relationships. It sounds to me like you need a SERIOUS attached relationship; I mean if you want your guy to be on your case all the time and do whatever you want you'll need one anyways. If you're not looking for a part-time boyfriend, don't part-time date one!

I had a very similiar experience with my current girlfriend. However, she's the one that acts very strange and different when our friends are around (more so, 5 years ago). She was more into them, she talked to them more and she even seemed to have a better time with them. Did she not respect me and my uncomfortable feelings, no. Did she consider to be lovely dovey with me, no. Some people when in a scene with a group of people. Hell, even another person, do not feel "right" being lovey dovey in public. You should talk to him concerning this, but you broke it off. It's not too late.

As for your beliefs. THAT is also, was a pretty big problem for us. However, I don't believe in God and she's a Christian; yet it still works out. I don't believe you HAVE to have someone with the same believes as you to make the relationship work. As long as you respect where he stands on his views and he can respect your views, it's a good start. It worked for my girlfriend and I and we've been dating for 6 years and still have a very healthy relationship.

And for the comment about, "boys think any of sex," is very stereotypical. I've learned that women think about sex just as much as men do, but aren't as expressive about it. So, it's best to leave thoughts to never to thought at all.

Original Post by thohan:

 If you're not looking for a part-time boyfriend, don't part-time date one!

 ^This. 

The situation you've described sounds very confusing... you really like him but you "know" it's not going to work out because of your faith (and/or his lack of), yet you are still stringing each other along in a friends-with-benefits way until you both meet someone better.  And you're surprised there's drama?

I think you did the right thing by breaking it off.  If you don't see it going anywhere then don't waste your time with it. 

Thanks for all the replies, guys and girls! I knew i could count on the calorie-count community :)

 

I just want to clarify. The part-time dating for a part-time guy thing... that's how I see it, why bother? I'm not looking for something serious, so it's fine with me if the guy can handle it. I don't want to hang out with a man all the time, and I've always assumed I'd never get a serious bf, mostly since I'm not that interested and wouldn't know how to be in a relationship anyway. 

The deep convo thing - that's his gripe. He whined that last weekend we had no good conversations. Um, I was chillin on a holiday weekend meeting new people, getting to know them, and enjoying the fireworks. Sometimes i just like to laugh and have fun, but apparently it bothered him. Whatever.

My only thing is the acting like we don' tknow/are ignoring each other in public. He's said he doesn't like it, either, but I pointed out that I was following his lead in case any of the girls he is dating are there, and I respect the boundaries he places. I'm very perceptive on other people, and can easily follow others' leads. I wanted to respect his actions around people he knows better than I do, but I just realized that it leaves me feeling kind of worthless, and I know I'm worth much more than that.

Anyway, thanks for the support adn replies. I'm feeling like I'm glad I broke it off. Even though it would be nice to experience being with someone for the few weeks or months that it's going to last.  I thought I could handle it, adn still think I could, as long as we mutually respect each other and our differences - specifically our faith. And you are all right - that is the reason we can't be serious with each other. It's my own boundary, I know, but I know deep down that if a guy doesn't at least share some parts of my faith that it won't work. I know it sounds judgmental, but to become that close with someone, there are some thigns that can't be compromised. I suggested we just be really close friends, that I can handle and many of my very close friends have beliefs and political views that are the polar opposite of mine. As longa s both parties can respect the other, then it works and is totally fine. Except, if you are in a very serious relationship, imho anyway. I know akirakun has made it work, and for that you have my utmost respect. Can't be easy.

 

And, I never said "boys think only of sex." Not sure where that came from, although for some guys I'm sure it's true. I try not to judge or stereotype, though, until i know the person, etc.