how do you handle unwanted attention from losing weight?

I have a strange problem.  Most people who lose weight are proud and feel great about losing and about themselves for losing.  They bask in the attention from people noticing their weight loss and it fuels them further towards their goals.  What if you actually reside in the comfort of the invisibility that the added weight gives you and you don't WANT people to notice and comment?  Every time I lose 20 lbs and someone tells me how great I look - I backslide and the weight comes right back on.  I have health issues that make losing the weight necessary but I can't figure out why attention in this area undermines my progress or success. 

Any thoughts?

Shy one,

No one I have ever known gains weight in order to be invisible.  The more overweight they are, the more conspicuous they feel b/c there is that much more of them to notice!  

Think it over, it sounds like you have a social anxiety that makes you uncomfortable forming bonds with people or meeting people.  Or maybe the problem is that you are kind of angry that people only start to notice you when you have a weight loss and you take out your anger and/or resentment about it by withholding the thing that people seem to like, ie gaining weight back.  Getting positive feedback on a weight loss can be a double-edged sword in that it can be proof positive, sometimes the first proof we have, that others were aware of how overweight or out of shape we were and we weren't fooling anyone except maybe ourselves.  Why can't people treat us the same regardless of our size....darn it we're the same people we were before! 

Or are we?

You my friend are finding out that weight loss is not the answer to all of our problems.  Sometimes we come to find out it was only a symptom of the bigger problem, or it even creates problems we didn't have before.  In the process of weight loss, more changes than just our size.  Don't fight it, embrace this concept and be patient with yourself and open-minded as you search for the answers.

You need to lose weight for medical reasons...and the resulting weight loss is affecting your relations with others.  As you start to fix one issue (getting your body healthier) another issue comes into sharper focus.  To yourself, mentally acknowledge this issue but then say to yourself, "I acknowledge that at some point I will have to deal with my bass-ackwards way of relating to people but for right now I need to get fit.  My health is number 1 priority, so respectfully - shyness and/or anxiety and/or anger, you are going on the back burner until I'm ready and willing to deal with you b/c you have nothing to do with me getting fit." 

Or you could just promise yourself that every time someone compliments you, you are then obligated to immediately eat a hamburger and fries and not work out for a week.  Say it to yourself.  Stupid, isn't it? 

Stop letting others' actions rule you!  It is all in your head, just let it go.  For future reference, the standard answer to compliments is "thank you".  Don't overthink it.  :D  Or if you want to be left alone, try being surly.  But whatever you do, don't stop doing the things which shall make you a healthier person.  Find another way to encourage people not to notice you if that's really what you want. 

But now and forevermore, "b/c I don't want people to notice me" is NOT an excuse to backslide on your fitness program. 

I agree with liswobble - this should not be an excuse to back-peddle.

I also have issues with people noticing my weight loss - well, let's say it depends on whom it is coming from.  Most of the time, I welcome the compliments and excitement, but there was one person in particular last week as a matter of fact that noticed my loss.

I will admit, I was kind of angry when she asked, however, I kept it simple, said "thank you." I left it at that.

The biggest thing - I am doing this for ME because I WANT to be healthier, slimmer and more active.  Be sure you are doing this for yourself.

It will be okay. :)

dear lis,

I didn't gain to be invisible and I struggled with myself when the weight came on (first pregnancy) -- and then when it kept inching up......it just became who I was at some point and when health issues came up I decided to start to lose the weight.  The benefit of being heavier was that I was invisible in a sense sexually and actually got quite comfortable with that situation. 

Hmm.  Never been referred to as shy.  In fact, most people who know me wouldn't say I'm exactly an extrovert but I'm not reserved or shy.  I really don't mind attention - as long as it's directed at me as a person - as oppossed to a sexual entity.  I don't do dog whistles or men propositioning very well.  I never know what to do if someone I don't know well compliments me. 

What I mean by invisible is you're not perceived as a threat when you're heavy.  Women don't see you as a threat to their men or as being attractive to their men so they relate to you in a different way than they would if you were thin and attractive.  Not all women, but I know at least 3 people who would back away from me if I were 60 lbs lighter. 

 I don't feel overweight people are invisible as people - just as sexual beings and maybe I take comfort in that. 

I think you are dead-on in most of the rest of your post.  Are we the same people?  I guess we really aren't.  In order to make these changes we have to become different people, and thus confront the discomfort of re-defining ourselves and whatever comes with that.

I also agree with your comment that as I start to fix one issue, another issue comes into sharper focus.  I actually laughed out loud when I read "For future reference, the standard answer to compliments is "thank you".  I do overthink things (obviously) and I need to rehearse a simple thank you and then move on.

 Your letter did get me thinking about the bonds of so-called friendships.  Are they really friendships worth protecting - especially when my health is on the line?  I think what happened here is I had issues before the weight gain and I did not deal with them very appropriately back then.  The weight gain from pregnancy merely allowed me to ignore them for 20 years and now that I have health issues demanding I lose the weight - those issues are surfacing.  Now that I talk about them outwardly, they seem rather adolescent (which they probably are).  But, when we stop growing we are matured to that age in that area.  I stopped maturing in that area and now it's time to grow myself up. 

 Thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail.  Your insights have really helped.

larisa,

Now we know the true nature of the beast...overweight women as sexual beings.  Just know that you still don't have to deal with that yet if you don't want to, aside from saying "thank you" to compliments and turning down propositions.

In fact any entanglements now would probably be a distraction. 

Getting healthier, and let's face it more attractive, gives us more options.  We have more options in ways to handle stress, more options in clothing, more options in choosing a mate.  Think about it, options are the hallmark of the confident, secure person.  

This is why I can't get on the bandwagon with people like Jessica Weiner who make overweight women who hate their bodies stand in front of mirrors naked and say they love themselves.  That is not therapy!  The best therapy for overweight women who don't like what they see in the mirror is exercise!         

The point is, as you lose weight you will have more and more options pitched at you, but it is you who decides if you swing at it or let it just fly right by.  You can use the new attention as more like your indication that you are on the right track.  Think to yourself, "oh yeah, well if you like me now just wait a month."  Your very own test lab.  :D 

And then there's going to be the haters who don't appreciate the fact that your options have suddenly expanded up to and including what they used to regard as solely their territory whenever you were around.  They just don't want the competition.  Maybe they had previously dismissed you as "not a threat, therefore worthy of socializing with" or "less than me, therefore good to be around."  Maybe they have some growing to do themselves and you're just the one to help them with that.  But it's all in their head so screw it, you're getting fit.  :D

"In order to make these changes we have to become different people, and thus confront the discomfort of re-defining ourselves and whatever comes with that. "

Well put, I'm stealing that!  :D

Lis

       &nb sp;       

thank you lis.  I'm going to save this & read it daily until it starts to be a part of who I am. 

xxoo

Larisa

Hey risala, I can relate, I don't like it when people comment on my weight loss anymore than I'd like it if they commented on a weight gain. But I know that's my issue and I can't control what other people say to me. So...when it comes up  I say, "thank you" and remind myself that the person is trying to be nice and supportive and acknowledge all my hard work (because this is freakin' hard!)

If it goes beyond that and someone wants to make a big deal out of it and ask me a bunch of questions I just smile and say, "I'm not really comfortable talking about it." I've never had a bad reaction to that.

But a simple thank you with a smile usually is all that's needed. And instead of feeling stressed out or uncomfortable about it just remind yourself that they're trying to be nice (even if you doubt their intentions, tell yourself that anyway, pat yourself on the back for being a healthier person and move on). 

Okay, now I just need to take my own advice... 

risala,  I don't like a lot of attention and have problems with compliments.  I have learned to just say "thank you".   The answer's people have given are great.  I just started losing weight and was wondering how long it would be before people started to comment and what I would say.  I am glad you posted your question.   I'm not sure what to say though when they ask how I did it.  So many people are into the fad diets.    Keep up the good work. 

Wow- this is such a thought provoking post!!

Thanks Lis, Larisa for all the elaboration- I needed to read it too - especially because I am somewhat shy.. Looks like you thought up a lot of this stuff in advance making it easier for folks like me.. Thanks for sharing!!

Larisa, I understand @ fat women not percieved sexually AND the negative women finally seeing you as a threat. Well, regardless of whether or not I am threat-worthy  -  I resent that someone had dismissed me as a threat or thought they were superior just because I was 20 + lbs heavier!!! I guess it also hurts to find out that a friend might have been shallow. I too need to not think too much about such things..

Lis, I loved your sentence about "options".. I think that is very true and somewhat scary if you are a shy person. (Well, I chat up people/strangers as part of my job, but I know deep inside that it I'm having to keep working at it.. I always envy people who can be/seem to be so comfortable without trying!!). So yeah, suddenly having all those options can be scary... just got to learn to ride the wave :)..

Anyway, I'm gonna tag this too and read it once in a while. Thanks !!

You know what else hurts.  When men you've known for years and never gave you a second glance are suddenly looking at you differently, asking for kisses on the cheek and such.  This is the personal situation where I found the "test lab" coping trick to be very effective.  As in saying "thanks" but thinking "Thanks for telling me I'm on the right track much good it will do you sucka." 

I've accepted that I have to accept that men will like me more as I lose weight; but I refuse to stoop to dating someone who knew me and didn't want me before.   

Interestingly enough, it doesn't seem to take a huge loss to get the men looking at you differently.  Drop 20 pounds and you will get more attention from the men in your social circle than the chronically fit ladies even if you are still technically overweight.     &nbs p; 

:) I'm more concerned with not being caught off-guard and being silly and awkward as far as men are concerned.. but I think I know what you mean Lis..

My weight loss has helped with my confidence though..so maybe I'm giving off different signals too - you know? Its all just too complicated.. :D

Lets keep going and get more fit/attractive anyway :D !

Yeah, the getting male attention after 20 years of being ignored is a scarey thought. Actually, it pisses me off. 

We have neighbors that come over for driveway beers and I've heard them talk about women.  This is what I mean about being invisible.  They say things as though I'm not there - and while they might say the exact same thing if I weren't overweight - it would pack a different punch so it's different.

One husband of a dear friend of mine was talking about another girl in the neighborhood that I really like.  She's a bit heavy in the thigh and bum, so he was making comment about how he could see her all the way down here.  While my weight issues aren't my legs and butt, they're all abdominal, I was still offended. 

Separate incident - a guy was taking some heat from another neighbor because his wife has him a a leash.  She comes down the street screaming at him in front of everyone and it's an embarrassment for all of us to watch the poor guy get yelled at by this woman.  After she left, one of the other guys was asking him why he puts up with it and his response was "as long as she doesn't get fat."  I don't know if I was more shocked that he said it or that he said it in front of me.  I can tell it wasn't a slap directed at me - but I could also tell that nobody in the entire group felt embarrassed that I was there.  It's like I was invisible or one of the guys and while I was taken aback - I do enjoy that kind of invisibility to a degree.  I think I would have been horrified if any one in the group realized what had just happened & tried to "fix" it.  BUT, it did make me look at the entire group differently.  My husband was the only one that said anything in defense of my girlfriend and not because I was there -- just because he's blind to weight.  He thinks my friend is a doll - and she is. 

So my point is - when one of these guys comments how good I look, I'm insulted that now they are evaluating me -- like now I'm on their radar now and never was before.  I'm insulted and offended that they even notice me so saying "thank you" is difficult.

It's like watching a movie with a horrible character in it.  As long as it's a movie and you can watch you don't have to interact, then you can't be upset by how horrible this character is.  If you came home from the movie and the horrible character was a friend's husband it would put a whole different spin on everything because it's part of your daily life now that you have to interact with.

Sigh.  Struggline more with my head than my waist.   

 

larisa,

Honestly, you might find that the best approach when this sort of thing happens is directness. Call them out. Get pissed off. Sure, you'll get labeled a crazy feminist bitch - wear those words with pride! They will either stop saying those things around you, or stop hanging around you. Either way, you win - it's not like you even enjoy these conversations when you're fat, right? It's important to realize that behind these comments lies a real fear of women, and a strong woman who isn't impressed and doesn't want to hear it will be a formidable barrier to these kinds of behaviours. You might worry that you will lose your female friends (the wives of the boors in question) - you won't. If anything you'll be their hero, because you gotta know they don't love hearing hubby spout that shit either. As we lose weight we gain confidence, and we gain strength and energy. Will you have to assert yourself more? Probably. Is that a bad thing? Nope. Those guys will either behave better when you're around, or will stay home when their wives go to visit you. Women are much better at verbal confrontation than men are: we can be sensitive ("Hey, just so you know, those comments really make me uncomfortable as a woman. I know you don't really mean them, and that's why I brought you aside to tell you this, but I'd prefer if you didn't say those kinds of things around me"), we can use humour for effect ("Hey, do you f*** your mother with that mouth?"), and we can be direct and pointed when necessary ("Hey - cut it out. Seriously, I don't wanna hear it.")

EDIT: cleaned up some language on request

"After she left, one of the other guys was asking him why he puts up with it and his response was "as long as she doesn't get fat.""

Yeah dude, way to save your male ego you're still a loser.  That's one of those cliches people spout when they don't have a good answer but are just trying to make the right noise.  Yark Yark you frickin flock of seagulls.

"So my point is - when one of these guys comments how good I look, I'm insulted that now they are evaluating me -- like now I'm on their radar now and never was before.  I'm insulted and offended that they even notice me so saying "thank you" is difficult."

Oh!  That's different.  Two things -- if you think they are trying to be friendly with no bad intentions, nothing more than a curt "thanks." and change the subject.  But if it makes you feel truly uncomfortable like they may be open to somethin' somethin' or are being pigs, a curt "your comments are not appreciated" is well within order.  In those instances sometimes a simple "thank you" can be heard as encouragement and you just have to nip that in the bud.

Lord knows I recently had a neighbor man who I've known for a few years grab my breast.  My reaction was immediate, "NO that is not wanted and it will not happen again."  And that one started with a compliment.  

Maybe one good preemptive action is to show in little ways your attachment to your husband, put your hand on his shoulder or take his hand, whatever feels comfortable.  Send the subliminal "occupied territory" signals and they may "evaluate" you less. 

I literally laughed out loud at the comedic approach listed by TRUSTWOMEN.  I needed that. 

I never thought about making others uncomfortable about things like that.  It's like racial comments -- I was always taken aback when people made them and never really knew what to say.  I think a lot of white people support racism by being stunned & don't realize that their silence is support.  It wasn't until I started rehearsing in my head what I would say to a racial comment that I was able to say something back that got the person to stop makign it in my presence.  I guess I need to run some of this thru my head so I can handle comments when made. 

 I think you're right though, a dose of reality could probably stop the whole thing.  I LOVE the comment about "you fuck your mother with that mouth."  That is great!  I have to use that one -- while I don't think it's direct, it opens the door for the directness in a light-hearted way. 

DEAR LIS,

You have such good insights.  I love your posts...they really help me align my perspective.  I guess I don't know if they are pigs or testing the water.  I don't care either way.  I'm astounded by their viewpoints on women and they seem to be comfortable talking about it when I'm there - like I'm not being referenced.  Regardless of if they are attracted to me & testing the water -- or if they're just pigs letting me see them as pigs without pretense, I don't specifically care for them either way.  I don't particularly like these men that do these things so a confrontation would probably be preferable to a compliment so I will begin to rehearse my responses.  I don't want to wage a war with my neighbors but they don't seem to be too concerned about offending me so why am I protecting them?  Maybe not protecting but not engaging in meaningful dialogue with them either. 

I tend to resolve conflicts with friends, and don't generally waste my time with idiots so when an idiot unveils themselves I usually don't speak much unless they stomp toes in a way that I can't keep my mouth shut (like racial remarks).  I feel I have a social responsibiity towards that kind of thing and I guess I do where women are concerned as well. 

I guess it's always been agreed-upon that women are objectified by men and we all tolerate it so much that we're at a loss as to how to stop something so prevalent.  Most women aren't adverse to it either so it becomes a conceptual taboo where everyone puts up a front of non-compliance but in reality it's accepted. 

I know when I was a teen-ager I was disgusted that everything had sexual vibes to it now that I had breasts.  I could ride a horse when I was 9 & nobody thought anything about it.  When I was 15, it was somehow sexual.  Same thing for the trampoline, playing pool, etc.  Suddenly, I had to be careful in the world and couldn't just PLAY without thinking about my presentation and how others might see me.  I resent that. 

so in a way, losing weight takes me out of the safety of pre-adolescence in some manner and makes me a target for the men who see women as sexual entities first and not as people.  I don't like being suddenly visible to THOSE men.  Other men who see ME - it won't make a difference anyway.

larisa,

It's absolutely accurate to make that link between racist and misogynist comments - we do have a social responsibility to challenge them, whether or not we happen to be targeted by them.

And I totally understand where you are coming from in terms of worrying about becoming "visible" again. I feel the same way. However, I'm not willing to let my apathy stand in the way of my health. If being at a healthy weight means having to get more vocal, and get more assertive, well that's just what I'll have to do. I am also sad that I will lose a treasured aspect of this phenomenon: a fairly accurate "a**hole detector".  Men, especially, really show their scary and disturbing sides to fat women in a way they don't show to thin women, in my experience (I'm talking about strangers or ultra-casual acquaintances here - anyone like that just doesn't get any closer to me, ever). I'm just going to have to become more sensitive to the smaller, equally telltale cues, which before I might have just written off as bluster or misplaced sexual energy: but now I know what really lies behind it. I've silently witnessed how these a**holes deal "politely" with women whom they consider sexual, and I think I know what to look for when they start acting that way around me.

p.s. I wanted to respectfully disagree with something lis said: I think you DO have to love yourself in order to lose weight, and that if your motivation to change is based on self-hatred (I'm fat and ugly, gross gross) you are doomed to fail. When your healthy lifestyle is based on self-hate, living unhealthily becomes an act of rebellious self-love - "I deserve it", "I'm not that hideous, really" and is actually a sign of mental health!! Not to mention that it's really hard on your psyche to "hate yourself" enough, and for long enough, to change ingrained habits - after a while, even the most masochistic will crack, because it honestly feels better in EVERY way to quit that particular path of self-flagellation. I think that loving your body (i.e. not hating yourself for being fat, filling yourself with self-love instead) is a very positive step towards weight loss. I guess I agree with Jessica Weiner.

EDIT: cleaned up some language on request

What a great thread! I've loved all of the comments. trustwomen.....I totally understand the "a@#hole detector"! hahaha

The women I don't worry too much about, if they know me, then they know that their men are in no danger from me poaching.  If they don't know me and they have any sense, they'll see from my interactions with the men who are "taken" that I keep them at arms length.  If the women are catty, there's nothing like being charming and polite to drive them nuts.  If they're nice, then there's nothing like being charming, polite, and genuine to make a new friend.

As for the men, if they've been jerks in the past, then I'll let them embarass themselves anytime they wish to and I'll very nicely underscore it with a gentle comment.  For those saying things like as long as the woman isn't fat, it's sometimes useful to ask them when they last made it to the gym.  It's priceless to watch some clod try to explain the difference between his beer belly and how he deserves to sit on the couch doing nothing and pregnancy gain from a mother.  While I can certainly understand wanting a partner whose physical form is attractive it's just plain mean to make remarks cutting someone down for a chuckle.  People all have their foibles, I'd rather have nice friends than skinny friends.  If they want help losing weight I'll help them, but if they're happy where they are then I can't see where it's any of my business to make them feel bad.

Dear Ladies:

Wow, so much great material going on at this post.  I swear I sat & drank my coffee & re-read them all again and had more layers of stuff break loose.  This is like therapy to me.  Thank you all for your insights and contributions.

Trustwomen:  You are way ahead of me if you can tell when a man is charming vs. manipulative.  I can actually read women really well but not men.  Women don't even have to talk and I can usually tell you a whole lot about them just by how they carry themselves and how they look at me.  Men, I'm clueless.  I really do not get the whole mentality of men in general.  I don't get the lack of empathy, the inability to verbalize feelings, the child-like yet predatory instincts that are sexual  My husband tells me that men are simple creatures and that I read too much into things & give them WAY too much credit.  That statement leaves me disgusted. 

How can you be a human being on this planet and not be plugged into the human race? 

So....I shed a few pounds this week (Weight Watchers) and I  am mentally preparing (rehearsing) for whatever changes that brings.  

just say "Thank You! I'm gad you've noticed! I've been working so hard! It's nice to hear that poeple are noticing my efforts."

NOt only does it validate your hard work, but, you're speaking the truth, and they will be taken away with your embracing their comments. TRUST ME... This is a line to be memorized!