hanging skin and body image stop me from feeling comfortable getting naked.

After bypass surgery 14 years ago...I have 30-35 loose skin.  I got to my lowest of 190 and stopped loosing as my body was where it needed to be (if you deduct the loose skin).  I looked good clothed then when I disrobed it all fell to the ground.   While  I felt thin, naked, I still looked heavier then I actually was.  It made me self conscious even with my then husband of 19 years.  I hated being naked or intimate.  He was happiest when I weighed 400 lbs and became abusive after I lost the weight.

Now, some recent history.  I gained 30 + over the past 4 years due to medications and a hysterectomy and recent hypothyroidism diagnosis and I will be 41 in April.  I moved to Buffalo from Arkansas 6 years ago to get a fresh start after marital problems...we did decide to divorce though.  I met a great guy since then we are awesome together on every level except one..

My problem is this...my body image has always been low due to weight issues and now the hanging skin doesn't help.  I have lived with my new guy for over the past two years.  He begged and begged me to move in with him and told me he loved me.  We only had sex once before then and since moving in with him, we have had intercourse 3 times and can count on my fingers any other activities that have occurred.  The lack of sex is NOT coming from me, I love him and for the first time I crave and  I need the intimacy to feel like he truly does love and accept me.

  He is not one to open up about feelings at all and avoids conflict like the plague.  He has been hurt severely as well.  I have asked on numerous times why we never are intimate, I mean the hugging, kissing and snuggling are all there just not  the physical act of making love.  I have asked if it was because of  the way I looked and he says no, that he is attracted to me and that it is nothing to do with me.  However, there is never any move towards the bedroom.  I happen to know he views porn for a week straight at different times while I am at work.  This reinforces my fears and brings back my trust issues from the past.

This makes me really feel dejected.  He said he wants us to get married at some point..but I  just don't know what to do about the feeling I have that I secretly don't turn him on. After I loose the weight back to what I was before I met him I will still have the skin remaining..I will never look like the porn girls or other women that the world throws at us.

He says, "we will get there" and that I need to relax but 3 weeks ago I bought something sexy and put it on and risked rejection..he smiled and called me a wacko as he kissed me and we went to the bedroom...he made no attempt to have intercourse but only "play" and then could not even stay to the point he needed to be to release.  He just took care of me and then fell asleep.  I felt it was a "pity" session. I recognize his attempt to satisfy me and reassure me, but the fact that he couldn't stay hard or even tried to have actual intercourse makes me feel like a failure...

 Could it be that he only needs me to live with him for companionship?  He is always with me and I know he doesn't cheat..other then the computer?  Or, could it be he has a libido, ED problem and with him being so "walled up inside" he is embarrassed to talk to me about it?  He has said that when I bring the situation up that it makes him uncomfortable. 

All of the above are making me feel so depressed but I am continuing the CC site and doing well after 19 days...I will still have the loose skin after loosing what I gained over the past 4 years..however I just don't know what to feel, think or do about my situation.   I want to loose this weight for me..for MY sake, but my relationship reasons do play apart of it.  Part of me wants to leave even though I haven't been on my on ever, just because I am afraid of being hurt again.  The other part wants to stay and hope that it is him  and that looking at porn somehow is his "therapy" and that he will go to a Dr. to see if he has a problem.

  If I am rambling, forgive me..just so many emotions flowing out right now.  If nothing else, thanks for reading and letting me download some of it.

I spoke to my fiance about this, because men know more about men then women do.

He said that if your man is telling you he loves you and wants to marry you, then it isn't you. He would say it probably is ED or a libido problem.

As for the porn, I know exactly how painful that can be; it was a battle with my fiance when we first got together, and I believe it was an addiction for him. One that he's on a path to overcoming, and may have already reached his goal.. of not looking.

I asked him if he thought you man would be looking to see if he can.. get his libido to work. He said it's a possibility; he can see guys doing that, especially if they're not into talking about things that bother them.

I also (just before I saw you post :P) posted a topic asking about excess skin (I have a lot of weight to loose)- and remembered that I have a friend who rubs some kind of vitamin e lotion on her skin to help it tighten. If you're interested in replies about it, the post is here: http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/806 03.html

Thank you so so much for responding.  I guess it is easy to see why I feel the way I do, I am quick to assume it is my and my body, when I know what the porn sites look like compared with me. 

 

I will look into the cream, I don't know if it will help the excessive amount I have but itis worth a try.

 

GL to you.

don't get down on yourself; you worked hard to loose the weight you had and deserve to feel good about it; skin or not. You're healthier now! You have more freedom to move and there isn't a ride at the amusement parks you can't go on because of your weight or size!

 

And honestly, porn sites look like that compared to anyone. :) 

Christal, God bless you!  You've been through the wringer, girl!  I feel like I'm impersonating Ann Landers or Carolyn Hax, so take my free advice for what it is--free, and yours to reject or heed.  I'd say your new boyfriend is sending up some major red flags, and if you were my sister, I'd beg you not to consider marrying again anytime soon.  It's unlikely his issues have anything to do with you--he came with them when he met you, and he's probably not trying to improve on them, it sounds like.  What that means for you is that you need to ask yourself, do you want to take on his (significant) hang ups when you have such a heavy load of you own to carry?  It's foreseeable to a stranger like me that you could end up in a situation similar to the one you left with your former husband.  Even with a poor body image, do you want to settle for less love than you deserve and need?  These questions and problems are so complex that they suggest professional intervention--counseling-- would be crucial to resolving them.   (I warned you I was channeling Ann Landers!)  Not many people could deal with these issues alone--or even with all the free advice in the world.  I love this forum at CC, by the way, and do not underestimate its  value in your (and my) quest for a healthier life.  It's an exceptionally good tool for this process, and  I think you will find it very useful.  Let it be one, not the only, support you seek.  I'm rooting for you!

It sounds like you need to take some time to really work on you and work out your own problems before taking on someone else's issues.  it might be helpful to put the relationship on hold until that time comes.  Your man would be wise to do the same, but it sounds like whatever is troubling him is something he is unable or unwilling to work on, which is very sad.  All the love in the world can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed or won't recognize there is a problem.

Christal,huggitbear and whooshi both gave you great advice.  Don't jump into marriage anytime soon.  It sound to me, also, that there are red flags.  And definitely take time to work on you.Have you talked to your doctor or a plastic surgeon about a lower body lift and/or an upper arm lift?Like you, I have thoughts and fears about my 'hanging skin' and intimacy.  After a recent failed relationship (poor body image on my part..... he said it didn't bother him), I've come to realize that I need to deal with my issues.  While I feel fantastic and my health is great, I can't stand to look at myself naked.  The thought of anyone else seeing my haniging skin mortifies me.  I want to lose at least another 50 pounds but, in the mean time, I've started consulting with a plastic surgeon.  The cost of a lower body lift seems beyond my reach but when I look at it in another light, it's really no more than an expensive car and there is financial help available.  I'm also working with my doctor to see if she can get my insurance to cover it.  That's not likely but on occasion, like if you have reoccuring rashes and infections due to the skin chaffing, insurance will cover some of the surgery.Will the removal of the excess skin make me happy?  It might and it might not, but one thing I'm sure it will do is to help restore some of my self-confidence.You've been through a lot and deserve the best.  Take some time for yourself and find out what you need to do to be happy.  And if that means breaking off your relationship, then so be it.  It might hurt for awhile, but being on your own for isn't the end of the world.

WoW,

You guys are great and have given me a lot to think about.  I do remember him saying once to me, "You create your own drama".  I suppose I do, I project shame, I project defeat, I project unworthiness. I do need to do this for myself, and as stated above, I am. 

I am wanting to do the plastic surgery thing and am hopeful the insurance will pay for it as I have lower back authritis already at 41 and the breast, and tummy apron don't help at all.   I haven't weighed since I started this 20 days ago as of now.  I do know though that I have lost weight, I feel it in the way I move and the way my clothes are fitting.  I have even sorta been skippin, and dancin around the house playfully with confidence.  I am smiling more these days because I do know I am worth happiness.

As to marriage, I am wanting in now.  Partly due to a religious background and the whole "don't live with them you should be married thing".  He is happy the way things are now but does want to be married someday.  I know he is showing me love the only way HE knows how. (I know his background and childhood issues.) 

We did some early spring cleaning yesterday while we had his 16 year old son with us for the weekend.   We were discussing the house and what repairs would need to be done in 2008.  He said..Pick a room and we will start remodeling it how ever you want it.  That spoke volumes to me...he has me in his future plans. 

I am more and more convinced he is just very reserved and embarressed to admit he has a problem.  He hasn't been in a relationship for over 4 years before he met me, so I think he is just used to the computer generated "instant gratificataion".  That, coupled with a possible ED problem is adding to his stress.  I am just going to back off the worry and concentrate on me like all have suggested.  I know he loves me but just doesn't show it in the ways I was used to seeing it with my parents and my ex husband. 

I am putting it here now in black and white...I will loose the weight I have set out to do, I will focus on my wellbeing and happiness, I will relax and enjoy my life and take each day as a brand new chance to make a new change.  Wheather or not our relationship grows or fizzles out, I will be ready for whatever happens. 

 As for the surgery, I have a lower tummy incisional hernia as a result of shoveling snow too soon after my hysterectomy.  My DR. doesn't want to repair it until I loose some weight.  Perhaps, at that time I can have some plastic work done at the same time.  I am 2 sizes smaller on top and yes I do have boobies that point south so I am sure there will be work done there as well.

I just want to thank you all so much for responding.  I know there are red flags with him, and I KNOW there are with me and my issues that he perhaps is seeing as well.  So, if I had to choose him sitting home each night with me  and sneaking peeks at spicy youtube videos and porn sites or going out without me and perhaps being with a real woman...I choose the first option.  Maybe it is simplistic thinking, but I need to decide if it is a "deal breaker" with me.  Right now, no it isn't...I wouldn't care are ALL what he browsed on the sites for if I were feeling the complete approval I crave as a people pleaser.  I am high maintenance and high profile, he is low key and easy going.  I need to meet him half way.

Please tell me if my thinking is wrong or needs modification...I welcome all opinions, I mean..all we have is eachother and thank God for you.

Here's the one modification.

The issues for you about him aren't just that he looks at porn images -- it's that he's not currently able to meet your needs. Imagine if he somehow stopped looking at porn, but still wasn't a sexual partner for you.  Based on what you've said, it doesn't sound like that would work for you.

You have your own "stuff" to work on, for sure. But even a woman who started out spectacularly self-confident, and had been model-attractive all her life, would feel unsatisfied, and might feel self-doubt, if she was with a man who was like your guy is now.

It's a fine thing for now, for you to focus on improving your own health and self-image, accept the relationship for what it is, and not put pressure on him.  But if and when you are considering marriage, please think long and hard about going ahead if things haven't changed about his ability to be a sexual partner for you. 

Hi,

About the excess skin issue - there's apparently an alternative that could work with a lot of hard work, and more dieting.

http://www.bodyfatguide.com/LooseSkin.htm&nbs p;

Yeah you shouldn't feel helpless about the loose skin. Most of that excess skin is still fat. It was a huge achievement to lose all that weight and I congratulate you on that but you are not at the point where surgery is the only option. Even though it's hard work, you should at least try to lose more weight until you are at a healthy BMI. Then, if you are still uncomfortable with how you look (which I garantee will probably be much better!) then and only then you may start considering a tummy tuck or body lift surgery.

About your guy's libido, I'm pretty sure it's a confidence issue. He's probably uncomfortable with himself or maybe he's affraid he can't perform in a way that would satisfy you. Porn is an easy way out for someone who has no confidence in bed. Maybe you could talk to him and try to find out how to make things comfortable for both of you.

I am trying to lose as much as possible, I have a short term goal to lose back to what I was before the steroids which is roughly 30 lbs. From that point I want to lose by next summer (09), maybe 20 more lbs. If by then I am not feeling better about things, I will consider the surgery..

Confidence I can see. He has little self esteem too and can barely take a compliment. He and I both put our walls up for protection. I asked him yesterday to think about if he was "in" love with me or if he loved me as a friend. He had 2 hours to think things over, before I came home. He met me at the door with a deep kiss and hugs and kept telling me he loved me and not as a friend. Yes, I admit I checked his computer this am and did find the youtube "porn" video downloads that he was viewing MINUTES before I came home. As to my weight loss:

I have been on here over 20 days now and I am feeling the difference in my clothes and my attitude. I have lived through enough to know that I can live through this..lol.

I am used to the counting calories now and used to the thought processes I need to have to be comitted to this. I am now feeling confident enough to change thin gs up some and add variety into my diet. Up until now I have been "safe" only consuming soups or sandwiches or salads...through reading the posts I see the need to keep things ever changing to decrease bordom and increase metabolism. I have averaged a B over my time here and am working towards the daily A. I live a pretty fast paced life with work and after work activities so I usually grab what is quickest. Ay helpful ideas swing em by me..:) IF you have any "libido" boosters ...I'm all ears lol.

randilynn86, the Web link you provided is for a site that's trying to sell you their weight loss material.  While the things it is trying to tell you might be okay for someone who lost a small amount of weight, it's not a good source of information for someone who has lost a 'significant' amount of weight.

I've lost 190 lbs (60+ to go) doing it the right way..... Slow and steady following a good diet and exercising (strengh and cardio).  There is no way that any additional workouts or creams will make the hanging skin go away.  It's here to stay unless I choose surgery.  If I were to flex my arms right now, you'd see some fantastic guns.  Unfortunately, there are HUGE batwings hanging from the bottom of my arms.  As for my torso, my ribs are now very visible and I have a two-pack, but I also have an enourmous 'apron' of hanging skin on my belly.  I don't even want to describe my inner thighs.  Now keep in mind that I was morbidly obese and therefore have more loose skin than others might.

christal, I hope that you started your weight loss journey early enough that you still have plenty of elasticity and won't have the same problems I do with loose skin.  Just be sure to get in some good toning exercises on a regular basis.  And HOORAY for starting to be more upbeat about CC!  It WILL make you feel so much better about yourself.  Plus it sounds like you and your fella' are starting to open up a bit more about your feelings.  Stay on that path!

As for my relationship with my fella', I've been very lucky to find a sweetheart of a man who doesn't seem to mind my excess skin.  Just the same, I'm uncomfortable with it and will eventually need to deal with it for me.

While this isn't the most reliable Web site out there, it does provide a little more information about surgery to remove excess skin:  http://www.clevelandclinic.org/health/health- info/docs/4200/4249.asp?index=13588

Keep up the great work and the good attitude!

Thank you for the website. I weighed 400 lbs 14 years ago, I had gasteric bypass and lost 230 lbs. From that I have 34+ lbs of the skin (apron, bat wings, and yes I know what you mean about the thighs) THIS is the reason I believed him to not be physically attracted to me but was the inside of me.

While the medications made me gain 35+ over the past 4 years, I NOW want to keep loosing past that 35+ to be in the best shape for surgery in 09 IF I decide to go that route.

My calf muscles are a problem for me too. I assume from carrying heavy weight all my life until the surgery they have built up muscle that is out of proportion..

Thanks again.

OMG! Thank you for the comment about your calves!

Mine are HUGE (19") and no matter what, I can't seem to lose any inches on them.  I often wondered if it could be because of all the weight they had to carry, but the dingbat consultants at the gym just looked at me as if there's no way an obese person could have muscle!

I guess this is a topic I've never really seen addressed on CC!

I wonder if maybe I should STOP doing my calf exercises?  I might be 'maintaining' muscle instead of losing in that area.

Hmmmmm........

Sounds like we might be able to share stories about body lift surgery, when/if we get there.  I don't see having it done until this time next year after I've lost the last of what I need to lose and have maintained for awhile.

Back to your fella..... if he's stood by you for the past two years, then I'm sure he has sincere feelings towards you and that it IS very likely love.  As for the sexual aspects, sounds like you need some expert help there and that's definitely not something I can give you.  I just hope you aren't in search of someone on CC who's going to tell you what you want to hear (thank you, Dr. Phil!).

Okay, I'm off to browse the forums to see if anyone else has discussed ginormous calves!  LOL

My calves are gigantic too, of course, i haven't lost my weight yet.. but it's not just my calves; my upper leg also has huge amounts of muscle. I worked at McDonalds and Burger King all while gaining my weight (hahahaha, it wasn't from their food though; it made me feel sick most of the time when i ate it) so i had to be standing constantly..

the muscles are huge..

you should try running. I bet either of you can run amazingly fast. 

(((((christalsdream)))))

Ok, so I went to my Dr. today. (The first time since I started CC) I also bought my first set of scales in 14 years.  I wanted to get her into my health decisions and update her since my hypothyroidism diagnosis.  She was very pleased with what my goals and plans are.  She admitted that it won't be easy for me that there is a lot of hard work ahead of me.  My main thing to do is increase my movement.  UGG..  I left there sorta let down.....it is so much harder to loose the weight with all of the things stacked against me.  She ordered a complete blood workup with colesterol checks and all the usual stuff to make sure my thyroid and iron, b12 is there they need to be. 

 With having gasteric bypass I don't absorb nutrients the way others do so I have to really increase iron rich foods.  I was told NOT to even consider anything over the counter to help me except straight vitamins because some of the products block things from absorbtion and that is NOT what I need.  SOOO I have a lot of things to throw out...lol

My boyfriend has said he would support me all the way and even with plastic surgery if I choose that after I reach my goal weight.

I have my OFFICIAL weigh in of 237 (I weighed 200) before all the meds and hysterectomy....so...37 is my first goal..and I'll do it 5 at a time...

Thanks for your input.