hanging out with my younger brother(s)

Hey everybody, I'm one of the older young CCers (22) and I'd like to get some feedback from all ages in this group because you guys can probably relate the best.

I have younger twin brothers. They are 17 and seniors in high school. I think they are totally awesome, but they are really shy and one of them is terribly insecure. They play video games ALL THE TIME and almost never do anything with friends outside of school, especially the insecure one.

They are going to be graduating in a few months and I'm going to miss them so much. I live on my own, but not far from them, and spend a couple of evenings over at my parents house with them. I spend a lot of time with the more outgoing one because he doesn't have a 4th period or his license, and I pick him up from school every day during my lunch break.

I feel like I'm neglecting the other one a little bit.. but a lot of the times when I try to hang out with him, he shuts me down. I know he enjoys spending time with me, but he never wants to do the things I like to do, like go to his high school football game or go to the gym together. His insecurities make him really negative. He doesn't want to go to the games because he "hates everyone there," and he doesn't want to go to the gym because he "hates the stupid people who go there." I'm thinking he may have been bullied pretty bad in the past and is trying to avoid running into people who have hurt him. Or maybe he is envious of these people because he doesn't have many friends and doesn't want anyone to see him with his sister.

The three of us get along great. I want to help them out. I want them to have more self-confidence, the one especially, because it is really damaging him. I try to talk to him about things, but it's really hard to crack his shell. He is harboring a lot of anger and it's making him have a very negative outlook on life. I know from experience that talking about your problems is a great way to get over them.. but getting a 17 year old boy to talk about his feeling is next to impossible.

Does anybody have any suggestions for me? Like, if you have an older brother or sister, how do you guys bond? How would/do you like your older siblings to reach out to you? I love my little brothers more than anything and I would kill for them. I just want them to be happy, but I don't know how to get him to open up.

I think it is absolutely beautiful that you care so much about your brothers. TRy to make sure you give them equal amounts of attention.

What does he do when he's alone? try doing those activities WITH him. Invite your brother over to your place to spend time with him away from your parents. Go somewhere really unconventional, like to play mini golf, bowling, or something like that. 

I also think being vulnerable yourself would help your brother to relate to you. If he perceives you as not having the same flaws as him and not being able to understand his struggles then he'll hide it so that he doesn't feel worse. Share a story about how you were bullied or felt insecure. Bring it up casually...and don't expect a response. Give him time to see that you're not judging him.

Continue to care as much as you do and he'll come around. Also try to get info about it from your other brother and encourage him to be supportive as well. 

> They play video games ALL THE TIME and almost never do anything with friends

Pretty much outlines the life of my few, close friends, that I basically keep up with through vidya or IM.  We're all doing just fine in life, despite our introversion. :)

Honestly, I wouldn't push much.  Some people are just reclusive and private, and it works for them.  Nothing frustrates me more than when someone tries to "save" me.  Just because some people only keep a couple friends, and prefer a good programming problem or a new game to the drivel and drone of their peers, doesn't mean they're truly unhappy.

I don't have all the information, but please try to keep that in mind when dealing with them.  Teenage years peak with an influx of hormones, sometimes you're just mad, for no reason.  Not everyone's a social butterfly, and not everyone needs to be.  Just let them know you're there, and they'll do what they want, without you having to baby step them.

Good luck.

Heh, he sounds somewhat similar to me. I might be a bit more of a hermit due to lack of school and such, but my opinions are as such:

Firstly, don't assume things about him. I noticed that you think he must have been bullied or something; this may not be the case at all. He may simply feel a barrier between him and other people he meets, like he's living in his own world and other people can't see it from his perspective. I know that personally, my poor sociability and lack of confidence stem from feelings of fundamentally being separate from and different from "normal people". It's hard to really meaningfully elaborate, but anyway, it does not have anything to do with being bullied or hurt (and certainly not envy). That might be the case for him too.

He probably just feels better at home. I don't think that's something that's easy to change; at least, I've noticed being extremely introverted since early childhood.

Even if you don't talk a lot, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not good at talking to people I know, but that doesn't always mean that I don't enjoy being around them. You can communicate in ways more subtle than talking, I guess.

It's hard to really "give advice" because I imagine his feelings are pretty deep-rooted and have had some time to set. But above all, I would recommend accepting his personality for what it is. Don't look down on him or judge him for it (It can be easily to do subconsciously, even if you don't intend to), because he'll probably know when you're doing it, and it will annoy him even if he doesn't say anything. He may have a lot of things he wants to say but decides not to because they might be a hassle.

Thank you guys SO MUCH for your insight. I really mean it. 

chrissy - I think being vulnerable is a GREAT idea. I've never thought about it, but my parents have always compared what they do to me. They've called me Sissy since they were babies. "Sissy gets good grades. Sissy played sports. Sissy went to college." Marsha Marsha Marsha! I can see now how that could cause problems. But what they don't know is how much I struggled in high school. I had a lot of problems with insecurity and girls who were mean to me. Finding a way to share these with him would be the perfect way to get him to respond.

lynnlette - Thanks for your perspective. He does retreat whenever my mom or I push too much. You are right, I should let him be him. There is a little more backstory to the gaming part: You sound just like the outgoing brother. He plays video games because he's awesome at it and it's what he loves. He has plenty of friends online. (Here comes the backstory) Our older brother died in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, and the shyer one has admitted that he plays video games to escape from the pain. He gets very frustrated very quickly when he doesn't do well. A lot of the time he just watches the other one play and "coaches" him. I think sometimes he just does it because he doesn't know what else to do. He is very sensitive when it comes to anything regarding our big brother. I believe finding an outlet would release some of the pain and anger he's holding inside.. that's where getting him to open up comes into play. I was really persistent a few nights ago and he really shut down. Now I realize I totally went about it in the wrong way. I got frustrated and it made him feel worse. I will remember what you said about not pushing him too much and hopefully it will come with more one-on-one time together.

ibez - The reason I mentioned bullying is because he once went off on a tangent about "stupid people who graduate high school and don't leave, like baseball players," and another time he didn't want to go somewhere because "the stupid baseball team will be there." He's in a weight lifting class at school that a lot of athletes take and I know baseball players can have a reputation for their attitudes, so I'm thinking there must be some kind of connection... You're probably right about him just feeling more comfortable at home. I can't blame him at all for that. I'll pay more attention to my reactions to him so I make sure I'm not looking down or talking down to him. I feel really motherly towards both of them but I have to remember that I want them to see me as a friend.

I know a lot of my feelings are stemming from guilt that I don't get to spend as much time with the one as I do with the other. That's something I can fix if I just hang around the house. If he's playing video games, I'll just go watch. That's simple. I don't know why I didn't consider it before reading all this advice!

Again, thank you guys so, so much for taking the time to read all that and respond. I can't tell you how much I appreciate a different point of view. You guys all brought up perspectives that I never would have seen on my own and they will be really helpful when it comes to creating a deeper bond with them. :) 

I always think of the lines from Bahz Luhrman's song "Wear Sunscreen" when I think about my brothers -

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future... Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.