Am I being too hard?

So, my financial situation is not good - It's been difficult recently.  My son began middle school this year and wanted to be in band.  I would have preferred Art because it's FREE but oh well, I saved what I could so that I could buy the $200 worth of books, cleaning kit, paper, mouthpiece, etc. in addition to the school supplies and clothes I had to buy.  PLUS, I have to put a $75 deposit fee on his instrument. 

Ok, the mouthpiece alone was $75!!!  Last night I saw it laying on the counter and I told him to put it in his backpack so he would be prepared for school today. Well, typical 11 yr old boy - he ran around blowing it and chasing the dog instead and now he can't find it.  We have torn the house apart, searched through trash, outside, etc.. everywhere!  It has to be in the house but we cant' find it.  He got in trouble at school and will really be in trouble tomorrow!

He cried 'why don't you just ground me?' and I said "no, I think the punishment will be for you to have to tell your teacher that you lost the mouthpiece and that if you can't find it - you will have to quit band" and I will be out that money.  I don't think I should have to replace the mouthpiece even if I COULD afford it.  How will he learn responsibility?  But he's so sweet and he cried himself to sleep and now, I just want to cry.  Am I being to hard?  Should I buy one more?  

Aww, sad story.

I get that youre trying to impress upon him the importance of taking care of expensive things, but I dont know if 11 year olds are capable of doing that. They make mistakes and they lose things.

Dont feel bad about your reaction, the thing was expensive. But maybe consider giving him one more chance if he really cares about band.

What instrument is he playing?  Trumpet mouthpieces run anywhere from $10-$90 or so, and you can most definitely get a decent one for $10.  Same with trombone mouthpieces.  Tuba mouthpieces are about $35-$200.. you can also find them used.  I know it sounds gross, but you can sanitize it.  My tuba mouthpiece in high school was used.  You can contact your local high school or the elementary school band director and ask if they have any used mouthpieces you could either borrow or purchase for the year.  Brass instrument players are often very disciplined by the time they get into high school marching band.  He's just an 11 year old boy.. give him a break.  Sure, band is expensive.. but don't you want him to have a place?  If it wasn't for band, I wouldn't have had any friends in high school.  I wouldn't have had nearly as many experiences as I have had.. gone places I have gone, met people I have met, and gotten the life experience I have gotten.

I know.. it's just that that's the one main issue with him.  All last year he did his homework - it would stay in his backpack for two weeks all crumpled up and I would get so mad.. like 'WTH?  You did your work, turn it in!!!'  But he's so shy that because he missed the first day, he was embarrassed to turn it in the second day and it was a vicous cycle. 

Uggh, he's like that with everything I send with him to give to the school too.. paperwork that needs to be signed - fundraiser money after he's collected orders from people! He's lost his Gameboy as well.  If he has money in his hands I tell him to put it in his lock box and an hour later I'll find it crumpled up somewhere like the bathroom.  I know it's his age but when do I stop bailing him out?

But, he is sweet - he doesn't talk back, he's never screamed he wanted something at the store - not even when he was 2!  He saves all of the injured bugs and animals he finds, he's just a good sweet boy - - except this one area of being careless.    Maybe getting in trouble will be enough for him and I can offer BJ's for the money to pay for a new mouthpiece  (j/k - sort of).  I really am broke! LOL    And how ironic to offer a bj for a mouthpiece? LOL  sorry.

I guess I can always CHARGE it!  ugggh.  

*Edit*  I just read Kate's reply after I posted this.. he plays the Euphonium a.k.a Baritone?   I do want him to experience things - that's why I sacraficed to pay for the stuff in the first place...  

Maybe you should send his teacher an email or give them a call and tell them about his problem turning in homework and see if they can ask him where his homework is if he didn't turn it in already. And trying to find a cheaper mouth piece is definitely a good plan... maybe make a rule that he can't take it out at home. Does he just have  a moutpiece and use the school's instrument? I would think in that case there'd be no need to ever have it out at home anyway.

Jennifer, no you are not too hard. you are a loving, caring mother who wants her kid to learn responsibilty. there is nothing wrong with that. but I think you should get him another mouthpiece and I am sure he has learnt his lesson this time. you said he cried himself to sleep so he must be deeply affected by this incident. he will learn, just be patient. :) 

and like Kate said, he is going to have a good experience so forgive him this time. 

I think you should replace the mouthpiece but make him earn the money to pay you back.  He could do odd jobs for relatives, people in the neighbourhood... maybe sell a few old toys in a yard sale.   That way he could rejoin the band, you'd get your money back and it would give him a sense of responsibility because he'd had to physically work hard to earn the money.  Kids tend to look after things better when they value them.

Ooh I like gi jane's idea about having him do odd jobs to pay you back :]

Original Post by gi-jane:

I think you should replace the mouthpiece but make him earn the money to pay you back.  He could do odd jobs for relatives, people in the neighbourhood... maybe sell a few old toys in a yard sale.   That way he could rejoin the band, you'd get your money back and it would give him a sense of responsibility because he'd had to physically work hard to earn the money.  Kids tend to look after things better when they value them.

 yep i'm with GIjane on this that way he gets to continue something he enjoys and also learns the value of the dollar.

No you're not being too hard if you were you wouldn't have posted this topic for the sanity check :o)

Aah memories...

I agree with Jane.  This time I would provide an opportunity to earn it back.  The next time perhaps he'll have to come up with the plan to earn it. 

This post is reminiscent of my son's younger years, including the leaving completed assignments in the backpack. 

Thank you all!   Ok, now to see if I can get this mouthpiece before school starts today - I hope they're open.   I like gi Jane's answer and will think of something he can do to earn the money back - I happen to know just the elderly couple who couldl sure use some help mowing their lawn!  ;)

My son is the exact same way! Very sweet and respectful but a total absent minded boy. He has lost 5 pairs of glasses for ex. He is 15 now and it is not much better.

The way to handle it is to definitely have him work for anything he loses. My son has a job now so it is easier but you can still do smething along the lines of what GI Jane said.

It is very hard not to give in to the pleadings-because he is so sweet. Now it is a cellphone that he wants replaced. Nope-he has to wait or work for it. They also start to learn that they can pull at your heartstrings and use it to their advantage!

Original Post by jenniferthepennifer:

Thank you all!   Ok, now to see if I can get this mouthpiece before school starts today - I hope they're open.   I like gi Jane's answer and will think of something he can do to earn the money back - I happen to know just the elderly couple who couldl sure use some help mowing their lawn!  ;)

Give him the task of finding other jobs as well as finding them for him.  If he has to mow a few lawns or wash a few cars to get the $75 back to you I'm sure he'll see it as fair and that'll make him feel better about the whole thing.      

11 year olds certainly ARE capable of caring for their things.  But they dont know how to do it by themselves.  They have to learn how.  Just like walking.  Yes, you do have to remind them to do things - and show them and help them.  For a while.  But once they get the skills down, they CAN do it.

Do not allow him to "play" with the mouth piece - this is not a toy and you can demand that he treats it seriously.  That means when you see him running around with it - you make sure he puts it back! 

Home work and papers need a folder.  Make one up that has two pockets - school and home.  One is for his papers to return to school and one is for you.  Sit next to him and make sure he puts his things in it.  He will have to learn about turning in his work on his own. But having a set place is a start.  If he gets an incomplete because he did not turn in his work- ask him how he is going to fix it.  Dont rant at him. 

It does take time and effort to see the training through.  But it does work.

I had the same thing going with my son at an earlier age. If you don't come down hard on this now, it will only get worse. At about age 9, my son lost his $80 baseball glove. He loved baseball.

I agreed to buy him a new one, but only if he worked it off. He had to work off a lot more than the $80 worth of chores, and he was grounded. He became more aware of the cost of things and took better care of his possessions after that.

My 12 y/o son is the same way jennifer. He's constantly "misplacing" things. Last year he needed a USB drive for school so we bought a $20 one. It had a neck string attached to it, and he thought it was a cool novelty item, and often would take it out of his pencil case and carry it around.

He eventually lost it at school (he has a habit of setting things down then forgetting them, like his lunch can, watch, agenda, etc). We had to buy him another one this year, and we're going to "rent" it to him. Since it cost $10, he has to give us $10 which he'll get back at the end of the year if he still has the USB.

If your son has to work hard to earn money, he'll come to appreciate the item and take better care of it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself in regards to my son!

so glad to see all the posts suggeting that you replace the mouthpiece and then have him work to pay for it.

I understand the anger. But making him quit the band is coming down too hard or rather in the wrong place. You would not make him quit history if he misplaces his homework. History is necessary. Music training is just as necessary.

My children's band director loved to trot out studies that show that kids who are in band and orchestra do better in math than those that are not. He also stressed that, yes, while your child may be a typical scatter brain now, part of the band experience is learning to be accountable and to work together as as a group. The director will instill in your child a tremendous work ethic which will support what you do as a parent. Make sure you are involved in the band as a parent volunteer as well and you will see this in action (and have much fun).

A euphonium, expensive mouthpiece notwithstanding, is a particularly good instrument for him to learn as it is not one of the plethora of the many. As he continues into high school, playing a unique instrument will open doors for him. Opportunities to become more involved in school (a very good thing to keep a high schooler's focus where it needs to be) and opportunities to help you by earning scholarships at college.

Hope you were able to get the mouthpiece in time!

Not having kids, I am not sure what I'd do, but I think I would get a new mouthpiece.

One other thing to consider is, while there is a lesson to be learned about caring for things (especially valuable or precious things), please don't underestimate the value of learning a musical instrument and playing in an ensemble.  I played a few instruments from 3rd grade through college and participated  in several types of ensembles (school bands, rock bands, choirs, piano accompanist, etc.)  These were indescribably valuable experiences on so many different levels.  If my (future) child were serious about playing or learning I would do everything I could to encourage them.

Original Post by madamq:

11 year olds certainly ARE capable of caring for their things.  But they dont know how to do it by themselves.  They have to learn how.  Just like walking.  Yes, you do have to remind them to do things - and show them and help them.  For a while.  But once they get the skills down, they CAN do it.

Do not allow him to "play" with the mouth piece - this is not a toy and you can demand that he treats it seriously.  That means when you see him running around with it - you make sure he puts it back!

I agree.... your son must be taught to care for his things. Earning the money to replace it is a good start. When my kids were small, I drove to a poor neighborhood and told them that they had choices to make. They could either do their homework and go to college and get a good paying job, or not. It was MY responsibility to give them food, clothing and shelter until they were 18 (I did help with college IF their grades stayed about a 3.0gpm). Once they were adults, THEY had to pay their way.... they could choose to live in a poor neighborhood and have a low paying job, or not. I would love them either way. Then I made little index cards or chores and reminders and each morning they had to divvy them up and do their chores when they got home from school. The "reminders" were to get them trained to do their homework, turn it in, practice piano... etc. That was THEIR job.

I'd like to add that I know from personal experience how hard it is to be a single parent. It is easy to see a child running around ignoring you and you just yell commands, but this is counter-productive.

When you saw him running around blowing the mouth piece at the dog. You needed to stop what you were doing, go up to him, take it away and sternly tell him to put it where it belonged. Then you needed to follow him until it was done and then maybe ground him for 1/2 hour or make him do a task such as clean the toilet or take out the trash or even just sit down for maybe 1/2 hour with nothing else to do. By the way, I know how much effort all of this takes. Been there. There will be tears. There will be rolling eyes. But your child will begin to take you more seriously.

What I'm saying is that kids need training. They don't know instinctively to take care of things. Some learn faster than others. Some need lots more follow up and reminders.

If you buy a new mouth piece and you have to charge it, you need to make him work off the interest on it as well. You also need to sit down and explain to him that this "mistake" he made is all his own responsibility. Don't use the word blame. Don't make him feel shame, just focus on his responsibility and how the consequences for both responsible and irresponsible behavior will be his. Let him know that it isn't punishment, just the playout of the consequences of his behavior.

Good luck Jennifer. I'll be thinking about you.

Original Post by madamq:

11 year olds certainly ARE capable of caring for their things.  But they dont know how to do it by themselves.  They have to learn how.  Just like walking.  Yes, you do have to remind them to do things - and show them and help them.  For a while.  But once they get the skills down, they CAN do it.

Do not allow him to "play" with the mouth piece - this is not a toy and you can demand that he treats it seriously.  That means when you see him running around with it - you make sure he puts it back! 

Home work and papers need a folder.  Make one up that has two pockets - school and home.  One is for his papers to return to school and one is for you.  Sit next to him and make sure he puts his things in it.  He will have to learn about turning in his work on his own. But having a set place is a start.  If he gets an incomplete because he did not turn in his work- ask him how he is going to fix it.  Dont rant at him. 

It does take time and effort to see the training through.  But it does work.

 

 Right.. but I didn't see him run around with it.  I told him to put it in his backpack and he grabbed it and left.  He's the one who told me later that instead, he was chasing the dog with it... otherwise I would have said yelled 'HEY! I SAID to put it in your backpack!' lol (mom's voice)

The folder thing I tried.  Did that last year.  It didn't do any good as he still did not hand in his work.  I can't do that for him.  That was last year.. so far he's been doing fine with his homework but it's too soon to tell.. but things like turning in forms to the teacher or money for his magazine subscription in class - still in his backpack. I get so mad!  I have to threaten to call the teacher before he'll do it. 

I'm on lunch but skimmed through some other posts.. seems a few don't think that I appreciate or know what band can do. I do agree that it's a good thing and studies show it does help with math and reading, etc... however, he knows that not only am I a single mom. I financially support my disable mother and my grandmother. To top that off my pay was cut, my hours were cut and they took away my vacation.  So, he knows the struggle it was for me to pay for band instead of him taking the free art class.  I sweated my arse off in 105 degree weather in JULY in Texas for Pete's sake - to have a garage sale to earn the money.  So, anway....   that's why it made me so mad.