A hard post - alcohol dependency

I'm 27 years old and a alcoholic.  I don't drink everyday and I am not one of those slobering drunks either...well not usually... but I have do had a dependency.  I quit once before for about 3 1/2 years and started up again when I went backpacking through Europe 2 years ago.  I thought I had control, but it looks like my bad habits have came back.  My main problem is I like to drink alone and when I do I usually over drink.  Social drinking isn't a problem as far as control, but I am a "all or nothing" type of person.  If I continue to drink in public I know the tempation is always inside me to drink alone.  I realize this site is generally for weightloss/calorie counting but I was wondering if anyone else is dealing with these sort of issue. 

I have a great girlfriend, but I've been hiding this from her almost 2 years...I feel so guilty.

I admire your courage to put your dependency into words and to share it.  That's a tremendous first step.  I hope you find the support you need in AA and with family and friends.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Please let us know how you are doing.

Paul, you sound just like my brother.  He was a hell-raiser as a teen, and a pretty serious drunk for a good portion of his adult life.  High-functioning, for sure---he's got a genius IQ, and charm to spare, and managed to conceal his problems for a long time.  We (his family) are still not quite sure what made him "come to Jesus" so to speak, but it was probably his saintly wife!  I suspect she laid some law down at some point, out of concern that their 2 sons might copy his boozin' ways.  Whatever---he's been sober for over a decade now.  I'm pretty sure he did not/does not use a formal 12-step program.  I think he just put down his whiskey glass one day and said, "No more."  That approach might not work for everyone. 

A couple of years ago I was part of a faculty/student group to sort of informally explore these issues, to put together a "support package" for those who might need help and direction, but were too ashamed/shy/in denial to actively seek help.  It sort of boiled down to a reading list!  Here are some of the books we chose as helpful: 

Dry  and  Running With Scissors   both by Augusten Burroughs
Drinking: A Love Story  by Caroline Knapp
Home Before Dark  by Susan Cheever
Darkness Visible  by William Styron (more about depression, but touches alcohol issues.)

You must never be ashamed to humbly admit weakness and ask for help, but also for mercy, from those who truly love you.  They will astound you with their unstinting compassion and support, if they are your true allies.  And if they're not---better to find it out now!

Jane

Thanks for info Jane.  I was definately a "hell rasier" growing up hehe. Cold turkey is the only way to go.  The only hard part is it's my best  friends Stag this weekend.  Talk about good timing eh.  Well my friend will have a DD for now on.

Again, I can't thank you all enough. 

hey, chobe... everybody loves the DD!  Great way to think about it!

hi there chobe.

I am an alcoholic and I've been sober for quite a while now; I quit drinking when I was 25 and I am 35 now ( i understand the young part). 

I know what it feels like to come to that place of desperation. I am so glad you spoke up, it takes a lot of courage to admit we have a problem - especially to ourselves.  That was the hardest part for me.  Really believing it was the alcohol.  I wished and hoped it was anything else because alcohol had become my best friend. I thought, as long as I don't look like the guy on the corner, the woman who got the DUI... and so on.  Unfortunately for me the bar just kept getting lower and lower until I just took a small drink in the morning to get over the jitters, etc.   The truth is if your an alcoholic, it doesn't ever get better.

So, what worked for me was first realizing that it really was the alcohol that was the problem.  I had a counselor who asked me point blank whether she should treat me for alcoholism or depression.  Funny, I had both - but until I dealt with the alcohol - I couldn't do anything about the other.  Alcohol depresses the nervous system ya know.  Its not an easy road to be sober - but it sure is a lot better.  Then I went to an AA Meeting (after I took one of those tests to CONFIRM I was an alcoholic - had to be sure you know.) I went to therapy too, because they say alcohol is just a symptom of our dis-ease.

I highly recommend you find a therapist, an AA group, or something that you commit to in person.  Especially since you drink alone, you'll probably need to get out of the house a bit. 

If you have a problem with the shakes and whatnot when you try to detox, please seek medical attention. 

Boy, I could go on - but I won't :) I am just so excited to see you asking for help. Follow through, ok - remember those good old sayings - just for today and all that stuff....  you can find an AA meeting at http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/en_find_m eeting.cfm

Ok, so some nice things about being sober:
- I remember where I parked my car.
- I know who is sleeping next to me.
- I show up for work.
- I have lost lots of weight.
- I don't call people and forget what I said.
- I don't shake and have a headache in the AM
- No one says to me "do you know what you did last night?"
- Fill in the blanks :)

Good luck, if you need anything - just let me know.
Amy

Hi Amy

Hello Paul,

You have already beat half the battle.  Admitting it is the most difficult thing that most people cannot do.  You have made a big step already.  I am very happy for you about that.  Attend at least 1 AA meeting (bring someone with you, if you can), and go from there.  Take one day at a time!!

We are here if you need us.

Hey Amy,

Wow, thanks for sharing your story with me/us.  Luckily I am not to the point where I am going through any sort of "physical withdraws"...When I drink I would usually drink only once or twice a week.  But the urge is always there.  If I am home or see a opprotunity to drink it's the first thing that pops in my head.  "hey, no ones home, I should have a beer" that sort of thing.   Of course  a  beer leads to  two, three, eight.  I Actually find quitting aclohol all together easier than limiting myself.  Since I started again I really thought I would handle it, but I know now that I can't.  The tempation is always there.  Quitting completely gives me the "no means no" mind set that I need.  I really feel I can do it.  The hard part will be discussing this with friends.  I plan to be very open about it.  I've quit before and most people will understand. In a way it was good that I quit for a number of years than started up again...  It just shows me that I am making the right discision - but for good this time. I will at least try AA.  I know there will difficult times ahead, but I am fortunate enough to have supportive friends and family.  I will keep posting month to month. 

I am so glad to hear that Chobe - let me know if you need any encouragement.  I agree, its easier for me to stay stopped than to try stopping again - Same thing with my weight; it is much harder to loose the added pounds I put on while I ate my way through my divorce than it was when I originally began paying attention to my health!

Good luck & many blessings....
Amy  

Hey everyone,

For those of you who are wondering how my "no drinking" has been going.  So far I been doing pretty good.  The last time (and only time) I had a drink was May 13 at a wedding (It was my best friends wedding) He's serbian and it is customary to have some moonshine (rakija) with family and friends at these sort of things.  But that was it.  No drinking/drunkeness.  I've let everyone know about my problem and thankfully everyone is very supportive.  One of the best things for me about quitting completely is the fact it doesn't haunt me anymore.  I don't have to worry about going in the fridge and being temped.  Funny how strong your mind can be when you mentally  prepared.  I know there will be times were I will be craving a beer or some sort of aclholic beverage especially on vacations.  I'll just have to treat those moments as "tests".  Anyhow, just wanted to keep you all in the loop.  

Also this coming Sunday I am off to Taiwan (Taipei) for 2 weeks for business - first time in Asia, pretty pumped about it! So if I am not replying/posting, this is why.  I will have some time to go sight seeing over there so if anyone has any suggestions on what to check out please feel free to post.

Take care everyone!

Paul, you didn't mention whether or not you did actually try going to an AA meeting.

As the daughter of an alcoholic who has been sober for over 30 years, my perspective is this: By being an alcoholic, you have, de facto, a legitimate membership in a wonderful society full of wonderful, caring, intelligent and charming people, for the rest of your life if you want it. IF you take advantage of it. That's my perspective on AA. I'm a bit jealous, I admit. Alcohol; I seem to be able to take it or leave it; mostly I leave it. So I don't have that legitimate membership. I can assure you I am the poorer for it. When I see all the strong emotional and spiritual support, all the fellowship and friendship, that my mom has had through the years by being a member of AA, I consider her to be a very lucky woman.

I know you're doing fine right now, and maybe with the grace of God you'll never take another drink, with or without AA. But I just wanted to let you know that if you're ever struggling with it again, you'd be crazy not to go. It's free, there's no commitment, you can find a group anywhere in the world you happen to be, and really, really, it's a gift. That fellowship is a gift.

Good luck on your business trip!

(((((HUGS)))))  Very proud of you.  You will have to share your adventures in Taipei when you get back.  Have  a safe and wonderful trip.

Trish 

You're doing great Chobe! And have a great time in Taiwan... I've heard great things about it (I have a friend who lives there and he said he'd never live anywhere else).

Chobe - have fun in Taiwan.  I struggle with alchohol.  My husband and I drink on a daily basis.  Sometimes only 1 - but we still drink everyday.  I am working very hard to cut it out of my life.

PS chances are you are not keeping it from your girlfriend.  She probably knows to some extent.

You are welcome to e-mail me anytime.

Have a wonderful and safe trip.

Hi

I completely missed your initial post. Too bad.

I told myself I would not give advice to people anymore because it gets me into trouble but i'll try this one anyway. This is for salome too.

My background: Mom had problem with alcohol at some point. Dad's dad too. I know several persons who are alcoholic: family, friend's family, etc. So I know alittle bit what I am talking about.

Chobe, you seem to be doing well, apart from that wedding drink. You say it's nothing but it is not. It should be a complete removal of any alcohol in your life. It's too easy to go on the "other side" if you stay close to the limit. AA is great. It has done sooo much for those people i know who overcame their problem. Even those who stopped drinking 30 years ago still go to meetings. Not because they are still tempted, but because it is a great support group and they can also advice others and tell them their own life experience. Additional counseling is certainly something to think about.

Yes, your girlfriend probably knows, deep down. You should talk to her. It is hard for the other person to start talking to the one who is alcoholic. I know. I "confronted" my Mom. And it hurt. But it was a good thing. My Dad kind of knew about her problem but never said anything. It hurts too much. It's easier to hide it from yourself and do as if everything is fine. So if your gf never said anything to you, don't be mad at her or anything.

I hope you'll recover.Let us know

I do plan on attending a AA meeting pretty soon.  Shortly after my orginal post, I did talk to my girlfriend and she's very supportive.  She knows my past and knew I've stuggled with alochol in the past.  It wasn't something I plan to keep from her. I was just waiting for an approiate time to talk to her one on one.  it's just was one of those things I frist had to admit to myself before I told anyone else.  I really don't like to be wishy washy and I know as soon as I started telling people I knew there would be no turning back so to speak.  So far things are going good.  like I said earlier, I know there will be hard times.  Where I will need the extra support.  Whether it's from a AA meetings or from friends and family.  I am pretty sure I will be fine.  Thanks again for all your support.

Also just for the record.  I know my posts are always some what vague.  I actually really hate posting long posts, explaining myself.  I am not very good at it and my spelling/grammar really stinks.  I think I come off way to serious on these forums, believe it or not I am more of a fun loving kind of person. 

From your photo, you look like a fun-loving person.

That's one of the things I'm envious about with AA. It's full of fun-loving people. Fun loving got them into trouble, heh! The great thing is, they managed to get out of it, and yet they seem to stay fun-loving. From what I've seen, anyway.

Chobe,  My husband is the same kind of alcoholic you are.  He doesn't do it all the time, hid it from me when we were dating and drinks alone most of the time.  He will stay up all night drinking while the rest of us are asleep.  PLEASE get help.  It affects everything.  My husband had a heart attack at 39 and his alcoholism is one of the reasons.  He also has memory loss, low testosterone levels, depression and a slew of other stuff.  Try AA, go to a rehab, find a private counselor.  I don't know if you are a religious man but there are a lot of faith based organizations out there that will help.  Please tell your girlfriend.  Deep down inside, she probably knows there's a problem.  The more open you are about it, the easier it will be to stop because you will have the support you need.  We have a daughter together, she'll be 3 soon, and it kills me that he may not be around to see her as a grown woman.  Know this: Noone can make any changes to your life except you.  You've taken the first step - you've admitted you're powerless over alcohol, now move on from there before you do any more damage to yourself or the ones that you love.  God Bless - Jacque

Hey Paul,

I know it hasn't exactly been a month yet (and maybe you're still in Taiwan), but I thought I'd ask how you've been doing with the alcohol (or lack thereof)...

I was doing the same thing with cigarettes...the hiding it, I mean.  I would get through a hard week at work, and then think, "It's the weekend, I deserve a treat."  Yeah, some treat, haha.  With my husband working on the weekends and my son hanging out with friends (teenager), I found it easy to spend almost the entire weekend smoking without anyone knowing it.  And if I went to my friends' houses, I just never actually told them I had quit so I was free to smoke there as much as I wanted.

I would always promise myself it was just a small set-back and that I'd get back on track on Monday, but almost immediately I was hiding cigarettes in the car and 'going out to the car to get something' on weeknights.  No one at work knew I was supposed to have quit smoking either, so they didn't know to say anything to me if they saw me smoking.

I think the biggest help for anyone quitting anything is to tell everyone you know.  Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors....anyone and everyone.  I think we hide the 'naughty' things we're doing because no one is there to hold us accountable....if the only person who saw us do it is ourselves, then we have no reason to feel like we let anyone else down, right?  We easily forgive ourselves and move on; no harm done...or so we think.

It's the adult version of sneaking cookies from the cookie jar....if nobody saw me do it, then it doesn't count...teeheehee.

Anyways, hope you had fun in Taiwan, Paul.  Hope we all hear from ya soon!