It is so hard to stay motivated with so many body issues.

Hi, I'm Mandy.  I am sort of embarassed to write this but here goes.  I have no motivation what so ever and I feel utterly hopless when it comes to losing weight. 

I admit I have not been logging my food as much as I need to, exercising as much, or eating as well as I should.  However,  I feel (IMHO) that I get little support from my husband and I use that lack of support to enable myself to do nothing.

I am 143 pounds on a five feet body.  I have a small frame.  This is the biggest I have ever been.  When I met my husband 2 years ago, I was 134, but due to being in love, dropped to 127!  I gained it all back, but it wasn't like I was trying to lose it.  The first time my husband saw me in my knickers, he told me I was curvy, so I thought he liked that.

Without writing a book here, I will try to explain what is going on.  About a year ago, I asked him if there was anything about me I should change before the wedding (dumb!).  He said no, but I kept asking and he said I have a big belly.  I have tortured myself everyday since about my big belly.  When we fight about this sort of thing (my body issues), it is usually me that brings it up.  He says he loves me for who I am inside, not outside.  I think that is a cop out, because if that were the case, then he would have never said the "big belly" comment. 

I have been having such body issues it is crazy.  When I start a weight loss program, I usually get discouraged and when I try to talk to him for support, all he says is "Come talk to me in a month.  You can't complain because you haven't really tried."  He says that walking is not a valid form of exercise and that I won't lose weight that way.  Um, how come every website, magazine, and program on TV says to walk?

He says he is still attracted to me, but he is not affectionate.  He says because I am constantly depressed by my weight, I turn him off.  I say that if you would be affectionate, I could stay motivated.  When I tried on some jeans after a week of consistant diet and exercise, he pooh poohed me saying "Don't get excited yet."

I guess I am writing this for advice.  I hope it put it in the right thread.  I think that my unhappiness with my husband (we are newlyweds), combined with me finishing up my Master's degree, and some other personal stuff, has contributed to my weight gain.  It also doesn't help that my husband is very thin.  We weigh the same but he is 6 feet tall.

So, how do I stay motivated when I get no support at home?

I'm going to be harsh here, because I think you need a dose of tough love.

It sounds to me like you are expecting way more than support from your DH. You are pinning your success or failure all on him. And that's not where it belongs. It belongs with you and only you. He can't do this for you, only YOU can do it for you.

And it sounds to me like you've unfairly set him up in a little game that he can't possibly win. You ply him continually with requests to criticize you, then get mad when he does! How fair is that?? He said you had a big belly because you wouldn't stop asking until he came up with something negative to feed and confirm your own negative self-view.

Finally, be honest with yourself: just how fun are you these days to be around? Is it true you are so depressed about your weight, that you are a turn-off?

Tough love over... let me add that I can completely relate! I don't know why we do this to ourselves. Insecurity that he doesn't love us or couldn't possibly love us this way, I guess. And then sometimes I also think we unconciously gain the weight just to prove that he will love us at any weight. It's all about needing reassurance, except we are an endless vacuum that can't ever be completely reassured, no matter what they say.

As for how to stay motivated, you have to find the motivation within yourself. That is the only way. Don't lose weight for him. Do it for yourself. And if you don't want to lose it, then don't. And either way, learn to self-soothe, to be your own reassurance.

This sounds like it's absolutely a perception/miscommunication issue.

Guys are strange creatures, if they don't have an opinion about something, but you keep asking anyway, they WILL PICK SOMETHING. 

There is something very unattractive about people who are depressed all the time, I think the real issue is how you feel about yourself, confidence really matter.  I'm 10x more attracted to an overweight male if he is confident, than a great looking guy who always puts himself down and can't take a complement.  It isn't so much about your weight.

I know how hard it must be for you to feel like you're getting such a little support.  It sounds like to me, honestly, he's trying to down play your excitement because you may end up going into a dressing room and find out... ehnn you arn't fitting into a size lower after all.  In a way, he is trying to protect you, but your perception is that he is raining on your parade.

I really think he wants you to succeed.  He probably has no idea how to help you.  FYI, it would really help to educate him on how you're losing weight, show him the math.  To be honest with you, YOU DO NOT NEED TO EXERCISE TO LOSE WEIGHT.  It only helps because you can eat more and you build more muscle.

It sounds like you have a lot going on with your life right now, losing weight is almost like having a full time job, and you don't get much time off.  It takes a lot of energy and time.  The best thing you can do is start to change things in your world.  Cut out soda, buy 2% milk, cheese, and other "lite" products.  Buy a little more fruit and make a commitment to eat it as a snack a couple times a week.  Put twice as much Veggies in your dinners.

Once you have this down, start marking down everything you eat on CC, it is absolutely necessary, if you can't be honest to yourself, then you arn't going to lose weight.  The only person who can lose this weight is you, you can only count on yourself to get this done. 

Support helps, and you have us. =)

I guess I needed that, but let me add:

I don't drink soda, eat processed foods, and I have been a vegetarian for 8 years.

I was sexually harassed at school, which pushed me into a severe depression including two suicide attempts, because the event triggered two previous sexual assaults.

I am a card carrying member of the poor me society, but I did not expect such "harsh tough love". 

I am sorry to have posted this here and I feel like I am about to burst into tears.

I was just making some suggestions.  I guess you just need to watch your portion sizes, measure everything, and start logging everything you eat.  What do you think has contributed to your weight gain?  Is it the portion sizes or am I off on that too?

I know it is dairy.  Damn cheese :)

AH-ha, I knew there was a culprit.  Do you use full-fat cheeses, milk, cream cheese, butter?  If you eat a lot of that, if you cut it to 2%, or as low as you can go.  That could easily cut your calories by 400 a day. lol

I'm still having trouble parting with my Whole Milk.

If there was no such thing as cheddar cheese, I would be a -ok!  I don't drink milk, so I buy the full fat for the hubby.  If I need to use milk, then I use vanilla rice milk because I just like it better.  I feel guilty being such a cry ass, but it has been such a tough year.  It was hard enough to sit down and write that post, so it is even harder to read what you already know but want to ignore from a perfect stranger.

Thank you both for your responses.

=)

Well it sounds like you know what you need to do, you'll make the changes when you're ready I suppose.  I'm so sorry you've had a rough go of it, it seems like when it rains, it pours for some of us.  It's hard to make your body a priority when you feel like it doesn't matter since you feel better off dead anyway.  /End Angst.

We all get through it somehow, the sooner you can make the changes, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

You hit the nail on the head:  "It's hard to make your body a priority when you feel like it doesn't matter since you feel better off dead anyway."

Thank you so much for understanding.  ::Hug::

It only comes because I know what it's like.  I struggle with it everyday.  After a year I realized I was a chunky monkey and well =) I needed to do somethinggggg. 

But I was tired of yo-yoing, so I'm so glad I found something I can't mess up, a Lifestyle Change.  I can take a week off and just eat maintenance Calories if it's just too much to handle.  That way at least I don't gain, being educated on what I can do helps so much.

I also suffer from chronic back pain, so it makes it difficult most days to exercise... I can't really do a lot of things people would consider "normal".

Motivation, like happiness, has to come from inside yourself.  If you look for another person to "make" you happy, or "make" you feel motivated, it's going to be a long time coming.  If you are constantly trying to lose weight but giving up after a few weeks, then it's understandable that your man doesn't think you will stick with it.  If you demand that he find some point to criticize you, and then get upset when he does, you have indeed set him up in a no win situation.  And I'll tell you, it doesn't matter if you are the most beautiful person on the planet, if you are depressed, hate the way you look, and are uncomfortable in your own skin, then you won't be attractive to other people.  The response to "I'm fat and ugly and I hate myself!" is not "Boy, do I want to jump your bones!"

Being a vegetarian does not make you healthy.  Some of the most overweight and unhealthy people I know are vegetarians.  Vegetarians, like everyone else, have to make healthy decisions every day to lose weight and be healthy.  Log your food.  Check your fat intake.  Take a good look at what you are eating.  You said yourself that you haven't been logging your food and exercising like you need to.  Nothing is going to change unless you make a commitment and stick to it.  You are the only person who can do that, your man can't do it for you.

Get some exercise.  Exercise is good for losing weight and it's good for depression as well.  Walking is great exercise, but you'll rarely hear a man admit this.  Many men believe in "manly" exercises like lifting weights.  What your man believes is good exercise doesn't have to be what you believe.

Think about seeing a doc for your depression.  Your weight may not be the cause, only what you focus on.  You could have a nutritional or chemical imbalance that's causing the depression.  Don't use past traumas as an excuse not to change your life for the better.  We all have had bad things that have happened to us.  That doesn?t excuse us for continuing behavior that we know is unhealthy.  What we do today is up to us to decide.  You can either look for reasons to fail, or look for reasons to succeed.

You're bouncing into raw tender territory by calling past trauma's "an excuse" plaidpooka ^^;;;;;;;  It's a real disability for people.... ehnnn... not trying to sound harsh here, tread carefully.

I second the notion that exercise helps depression.

Nocturne, I was abused as a child, and yes, that will effect me for the rest of my life.  However, I am now 42 years old.  The decisions that I make now are my responsibility.  No matter what happened to me as a child, what I do now is up to me.  I could use those past traumas as an excuse to be a victim, and take no responsibility for my own actions, or I can accept that I am in control of my own life and make the healthier choices I need to make.  The choice is mine.  The choice is yours.  That choice is the responsibility of every adult.  At 41 years of age, I know few people indeed who have not had some form of trauma in their lives.  They can either let that trauma dictate their lives, or take responsibility for their own actions.  If one needs help dealing with trauma, help is available.  Too often people concentrate on all the reasons it is ?simply impossible? for them to make healthier choices for themselves.  It is much more freeing and much more effective to find the reasons why you CAN change your life.

It's a little different when something happens to you a couple years ago verses 30+ years ago.  IMHO.  I wasn't trying to insult you, or assume that nothing has ever happened to you. 

cars, I think everyone has some good advice for you, and usually I try not to give advice. In this case however, I will. I, too have abuse issues, and body image issues and a lot of self-hatred. The only way I have been able to make progress is to see a doctor and be on the right anti-depressants for the chemical imbalance that causes the depression. It is chronic, and severe, and if I take the meds, I'm pretty much ok.

At the same time, I see a psychologist to address the emotional and mental self-sabotage issues I have. When your emotional issues are interfering with a relationship with someone you love, it's time to get some help.

Then, and only after addressing those issues was I able to make the right lifestyle changes to begin to lose weight and have the motivation to stick with the changes. You can't just change your body and expect your mind and heart to change if you've been so wounded that you can't heal by yourself. So, please think about getting some help.

Sometimes on this site I get the feeling that people forget that there is more to you than just your body and it all works together either for good or bad. But you have the choice to change and grow and heal, and there is plenty of help out there if you want it, so don't give up.

Thank you,  imdiann.  My husband and I talked a lot about this last night.  I am without health insurance at the moment, but I anticipate that changing in a month or two.  I am graduating from my Master's program and I am applying for big girl jobs that will hopefully come with benefits :)  I plan on seeing a doctor to get help for the depression and anxiety.

Yesterday was tough, but I made it through.  I wrote down everything I ate and I only came in 75 calories over the 1200 I have decided to allow myself due to recomendations on this site.

Today will be a good day!

I think it would be a safe and fair assumption to say that no one posting here is not without some issue or problem, myself most definitely included.

With that in mind, I also believe it's a positive thing for us all to recognize what those issues are, and then work at moving on.  I know I have plenty myself, and it's an active battle for me to get out of the woe-is-me and "look what you made me do!" mentality. 

Just like our weight or body concerns, those things aren't going to go away or change overnight, right? Right.

Cars, at first I was pretty hesitant to post on these boards, too.  Not only was I having to admit my problem, but I had to do it to a whole bunch of people.  However, I found it to be strangely liberating--it's out in the open, and I can start moving on towards my solution.  The ladies and gents here have some great advice to offer, tough love and all.

Basically, you won't find a more supportive group of people than here.  We're all working towards one goal or another, we're not competing with each other. =)

As for dairy, I'm a cheese fiend too.  I found that buying the 2% cheese cubes or the lite string cheese has helped a lot, in that I can easily portion it out and all that, and know exactly how much I'm consuming while still getting my fix.

I wish you the very best of luck, and hope you keep us updated on your progress!

And for you hubby?  Why not try and get him to go on walks with you?  You both might get something out of it--you'll be spending time together, and he'll be supporting you by keeping company!

Mandy, I can really relate to what you're talking to.  I agree regarding copouts...most people will not tell you the truth about your appearance.

You may need to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror.  What do YOU want to look like?  Not what the ads tell you, not what your husband says, but you?  Do you want to be thin?  In shape?  Curvy?  I can understand how the "big belly" remark upset you, although it sounds like you asked him till you pulled the truth out of him, so it may be more important to you than him.  If so, at least you know where to start.

I can so understand regarding motivation.  I'm having a very difficult time myself trying to conjure some up, but it seems hopeless to me because there's so much - height, build, hair, etc. - that I can't change, and I don't want to be a big guy even if I'm in shape and some people find me "attractive".

iwatchthecars - congrats on your 1275 day! That's excellent! It's all about one day at a time... and you certainly succeeded yesterday. Heck, sometimes it is all about one moment at a time, and you succeeded for 86,400 moments yesterday. :-)

Walking is a great activity not just for your body, but for your mental health. It increases dopamine levels in your brain - one of the "feel-good" chemicals. So whether you lose weight or not by walking, it is definetly something you should add to your "prescription" for good health.

Cars, if you don't have insurance, there are agencies that will provide counseling. I started my therapy years ago through Catholic Charities, which is funded by the United Way. I didn't have i nsurance either and couldn't have afforded therapy any other way. They have access to help for paying for medications, too. They can also steer you to other counselors that are available in your area. So even if you don't have insurance, with a little leg work, you can still get started on feeling better. Hang in there, you've made a great start!