Hating my weight; ...relapse?

So since I've been in recovery I gained a whopping 40lbs, up to my highest of 121... which was at the beginning of december...... but I weighed myself again today and I was 114ish.....

I haven't been eating right at all (I never quite got up to 'proper' eating, I've been very disordered in recovery).......

Bearing in mind I was weighed 121 with digital scales, and 114 with regular bathroom scales..... I'm being weighed with the digital scales on wednesday.....

I'm scared I'm going to relapse..... but I just really hate being this size. I want to lose at least another 14lbs.... *cries* but I'm far too scared to do it healthfully....what should I do...?? I'm scared I've effed up my metabolism by eating so irregularly.....

I'm sorry if any of that was triggering....I honeslty don't mean it to be.....

I think you need to stop weighing altogether, if the numbers are triggering you so much. If you're revolving your own emotions around the scale stay away from them. Throw them out. I've stopped weighing in and taking my progress by how my clothes fit and how I feel because I'd base my days and weeks just on how much I had lost or gained. If I'd lost, my ED would scream and cheer and I'd feel immense disappointment even if I knew I'd been eating more than enough. If I gained my ED would... scream, and I would have to try and tone out that nagging, "you're getting bigger, fatter, fat, fat" lie that would niggle at my ear. I feel a lot freer right now.

At your present weight you're also at a healthy weight, an ideal BMI. You don't need to lose anything and I think you know that. If you want to do anything, focus on a healthy eating pattern, bringing any foods you may have excluded due to your ED into your diet if you haven't already, and eating maintainance or higher. Try toning, weightlifting and restistance exercises, not losing weight. Because you don't need to.

And if all else, speak to your doctor or team about how you feel, or anyone you entrusted about your ED. Get it off your chest and aloud; you may be surprised how much better that will make you feel and all.

Haha I moan to my girlfriend all the time (she moans too, we both have eating issues....)

I know I shouldn't weigh myself. I'm beginning to become more and more obsessd with creeping into the garage at 2 in the morning to weigh myself.

And then there are the moments where all I want to do is binge..... I never seem to stop being hungry, no matter what I eat. And yet I never do binge - I must have some control over eating...... perhaps I can use this to begin a proper, healthy routine.....?

I swim quite often (well, I haven't done any in the past two weeks since depression hit...) but I plan to go this week - I usually go about two to three times a week, occasionally to the gym as well. I like swimming =] (even though I got scared by reading that it actually makes you GAIN weight..... but I figured it must be muscular weight....)

Anyway, rant over....... thanks lala *hugs*

Moaning to one another is all good and well as long as it's positive. Try to avoid "I'm so fat" conversations and anything similar. Talk about the good progress you're making, what you feel good about. Keep spirits up. Keep ED out. Perhaps you could embark on this all together? Keep one another in check?

If you're really going as far as to sneak into the garage at 2am to weigh yourself... just... say that aloud? Sneak into the garage at 2am to weigh yourself. Does that not sound silly, obscene, to you? Get rid of the things for good. I smashed mine. And every time I get a compulsion to buy new ones I look at the cost of a scale and then buy something worth my while with that money instead. Costly, you might say, but it helps me keep out the desire in the first place because hey - who wants to be blowing money on a compulsion that I don't even need to do or know?

With the urge to binge, try and define if it's (a) stemming from being depressed, (b) stemming from eating too little, or too little throughout the day only to be short of calories at night, or (c) all of the above. And whatever it is, I still strongly suggest you just work on healthy eating, period, meaning eating enough, well, and of everything you can.

Don't limit your food groups any more than may be physically necessary (allergies, intolerances) and I don't know if you're vegetarian or not. If you're vegetarian or vegan for beliefs, then continue to be by all means. If it's something you just did as a part of your ED, I suggest weaning onto meats again. The point here is managing a healthy eating pattern again; try 80% healthy, 20% fun foods. Saying "no" to yourself can also ultimately result in binges.

If you start swimming again it is all the MORE important you make sure to start eating properly, regularly, and enough. If you'd like help with BMR and all that let me know, I'd be happy to lend a hand. And yes, any gain you'd see from that would be muscular, or temporary retention that you get from any sort of muscle work out. Key word is temporary.

It sounds ridiculous. It's IS ridiculous......but my stupid ED and bouts of depression give me insomnia.... and so I stay up thinking 'need to eat; mustn't eat; hungry? Tired? Mustn't eat *goes and eats* .......' and then I think 'sh**..... I need to weigh myself...... mustn't weigh self.... need to...*goes outside*'

It's horrible.... especially since it's winter and I go out in my underwear......

My urges to binge/starve tend to be because I'm upset, or tired.... I can never tell if I'm truly hungry... and the rare occasions I am I don't want to feed it. This is what triggers my disordered eating patterns...... like, 'Oh, you didn't eat before, but you feel okay now..... perhaps you should eat now? *eats*..... Oh sh**, why did I do that? *proceeds to not eat when hunger comes.....'

How stupid =[

I just ate the tiniest bowl of porridge and peanut butter...... it's not even worth calling a bowl, it was about 4 tablespoons of oats and a lump of PB........ and I'm all nervous now that it's rocketed my calories sky high (still in ED mode over calories.....I've eaten about 1,300 today, the most I've eaten in a week....... =[ )

I hate these disordered thoughts.

I'm seeing my therapist on wednesday.... but she's starting to move away from the eating issues to focus on the mood issues.....

Thank you for being here, lala.... you really are helpful

You really, really need to be eating at least 1500. Remember that's the minimum for a teenager girl. And given you ought not to be losing at all, I'd say you need to be eating more like 1800 calories if you're sedentary. More if you start or are working out.

Again, I can only stress how absurd the weighing thing is, and this is from someone who knows how wierd and wacky your ED can make you. It's good that you're seeing your therapist soon. Even if she is trying to move things on take the initiative back and talk to her about this, bring it up - your emotions relating to your food, that you're finding they're taking you towards an emotional eating path.

As an aside, eating too little can make depression worse, or onset it.

thanks honey.... I really don't want to relapse....

Right now I think I'm hungry - even if it's 11.17pm..... I don't know if I should eat or not because it's the night.... but I've been asleep since 6.00 and woke up an hour ago (insomnia kicking in......)

Bloody hell I need to get myself into order! I sound really disordered! I guess I never really wrote it all out like this and seen how effed up my patterns are....

Thanks for the calorie advice too honey - I'm back at school tomorrow, so I'll have more of a routine to stick to!

Once again, thank you so much for being here! I really, really, REALLY need to put myself back into order again!

I'm having a similar struggle.

I put on 35 lbs with recovery and am hating my body these days.  My eating is rather disordered - I won't go into specifics.  In the past few weeks I've lost some weight and want to keep going to get to what I think my ideal weight is.

However, what I think or rather what the eating disorder leads me to believe about myself isn't in agreement with what the professionals say.  Hmmm.  Whose wrong - me or ED?  It is going to take some work to change my thoughts....

Don't get stuck in the numbers game, it isn't worth it.  Do you want to turn around at 31 (my age) and realize your whole life and worth is based on what the scale says?  I've missed so much life because of this stupid disorder.  I wish I could go back 13 years and stop myself from going down this road.

I'm scared my life will be ruled by the scales/calories in some way or another....

*cries*

this is so hard.....

im not a religious nut but did you ever hear the phrase God makes the back to bear the cross?

this is hard but you are strong. you are. the tears, the depression, the sadness. keep fighting this. you will win. wars get ugly when both sides are on the point of burnout.... while you feel you maybe close to this have hope because your eating disorder is also on the point of burnout. you can win this. get your calories up to 1500. your body wont be screaming out for food like it is, the urge to binge will settle. food is not the problem-i know- but you have to give your true self a fighting chance.

YOU WILL NOT SKY ROCKET ON 1500-1600 cals. you wont. but you need to take the risk and try it because what your doing now is destroying any fight you have left.

you can choose the things you allow to dictate your mind. GET OFF THE SCALES. i never thought i could stop counting cals but i am here and while it is not perfect it can be done. there are other more valuable things you can put in place besides things like counting cals but you need to look for them.... you can win. you can

Hi Demure,

I'm new to this site and I am glad to hear that there are others out there that have battled the same thing that we have... and won. That being said, please THROW OUT YOUR SCALE NOW!

I am 34 now but I began battling with anorexia many years ago. I have recovered and have learned alot and my best defense has been to stay away from the scale.

 Please understand that your obsession with a number on a scale is completely understood by many, but so incredibly destructive to many as well (family, friends, etc). I'm sure that you know this intuitively but take it to heart. When you step on those scales you are giving up your power rather than exercising it - nothing and I mean nothing should control you - you make the decisions and you're in charge of your own body. Screw anyone who doesn't like it, so long as you love it!

Take care  and get rid of that scale!!

I'm going through the same thing right now! I find it's best if you DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF. I (ironically) go to Weight Watchers with my mom. They blind weigh me and write down my weight on this chart that stays with them. (*They don't know I'm recovering from an eating disorder. I just show up, get weighed, listen to them talk about healthy eating and exercise, and leave. I don't follow the points plan or anything, but I do use their trackers to record my intake.) Although I don't know my weight, I always feel a lot safer just having it down, somewhere. I know that the people at Weight Watchers aren't out to make me gain a bunch of weight (in fat, they want me to lose! (keeping in mind that they don't know I had an eating disorder)). 

You could try the same thing with a nutritionist.

The important thing is: don't give up. I was eating 1500 calories and gaining, but slowly my gaining slowed, and finally it stopped altogether. Then I started LOSING! It was then (about a week ago) that I increased to 2,000. I can already feel an increase in muscle mass, which means my metabolism is speeding up!

Just remember: You can lose any extra weight on a healthy diet (i.e. 1500 - 1800 calories) if you let your metabolism recover. If your metabolism never speeds back up again, you will be stuck in this trap of extreme low calorie dieting. 

That would be about where i'm at right now, in terms of headspace.

All of you guys are amazing. Thank you all so much for being here, and for your advice. 

uhhh...i gained 40 and want to lose 30 lbs.  i'm having a hard time not binging.  my mind revolves around food all the time, even though i'm not restricting.  i'm never going to be used to this size.  don't feel bad because you really don't have it that bad. 

Gosh - I had A LOT of similar experiences! I often woke up at night and wanting food, or some times I could not tell if I was genuinely hungry or just stuck in the pattern of “ late night eating”. it was not always genuine hunger every time but once I did start eating later, my body automatically woke me up to eat” even when I was not hungry. I wanted to do the right things for my body, but I came to the realization that I needed to take in enough calories during THE DAY, so I could get out of my pattern of night eating!

It was so hard at first, even though I ate enough during the day my body still woke me up at night out of habit, but I soon stopped once I ate a little more!

Insomnia is awful - a lot of things can throw people’s bodies out of order and you must have so many thoughts in your head that also keep you awake!

Over time, if you keep pushing through this then your thoughts will turn to healthier ones; your head may still race but at least it will be occupied with other life issues OTHER then food related issues!

It helped me when I started to aim to have nice skin, hair, nails, and to look healthy and attractive in OTHER ways then being “ slim”

I directed my old ED urge to control my weight, to the desire to eat the best healthiest less processed foods possible in order to look and feel my best and also to improve the chance of reaching my potentials in life - I knew that the better my body functions, the easier it will be for me to do better in every aspect of life! Think about all those things you can achieve and tell the scale that you will NOT let it distract you from what is really important!

Gosh - I had A LOT of similar experiences! I often woke up at night and wanting food, or some times I could not tell if I was genuinely hungry or just stuck in the pattern of “ late night eating”. it was not always genuine hunger every time but once I did start eating later, my body automatically woke me up to eat” even when I was not hungry. I wanted to do the right things for my body, but I came to the realization that I needed to take in enough calories during THE DAY, so I could get out of my pattern of night eating!

It was so hard at first, even though I ate enough during the day my body still woke me up at night out of habit, but I soon stopped once I ate a little more!

Insomnia is awful - a lot of things can throw people’s bodies out of order and you must have so many thoughts in your head that also keep you awake!

Over time, if you keep pushing through this then your thoughts will turn to healthier ones; your head may still race but at least it will be occupied with other life issues OTHER then food related issues!

It helped me when I started to aim to have nice skin, hair, nails, and to look healthy and attractive in OTHER ways then being “ slim”

I directed my old ED urge to control my weight, to the desire to eat the best healthiest less processed foods possible in order to look and feel my best and also to improve the chance of reaching my potentials in life - I knew that the better my body functions, the easier it will be for me to do better in every aspect of life! Think about all those things you can achieve and tell the scale that you will NOT let it distract you from what is really important!

Oh, and if YOU DO gain a little weight at first once you start to eat a little more ( at least to 1500!) then do not get scared - I know you are likely to feel like the weight gain is “ out of control” but as long as you eat a sensible amount then you have nothing to fear, the weight will stop and if you stay at a slightly higher weight at 1500 calories then you can do resistance training 2 - 3 times a week so that you can stay the same SIZE despite weighing more! ( as you know, muscle weighs more then fat!)