healthy weight but disordered thoughts?? i need help and advice please

This is going to be quite long.. I hope no one gets triggered by this as it's not my intention at all, and also I hope this is not against any of the posting guidelines, I want to make it clear from the beginning that this post is NOT pro-ana IN ANY WAY, I am just trying to find some advice and support... and I hope this post does not annoy anyone for any reason but I don't know how I can get advice without explaining everything this way. 

Towards the end of 2006 I started attempting to lose weight and I feel like things gradually 'built up' inside of me until January 2007 when I finally did something about it.. Started counting calories and fell into obsession. By September I had gone from 150lbs to 105lbs and was massively restricting my calories. I started college and started lying about what I was eating to my Mum & everyone around me whenever they expressed concern. 

By November 2007 I was my lowest weight, about 95-96lbs. I went to the Doctor because my periods had stopped since April. She weighed me and asked me lots of questions about my diet and I lied through my teeth. I honestly think if I'd have told the truth I would have been diagnosed with Anorexia but I was so secretive about everything I managed to convince all around me that I was mentally fine. Looking back I am almost 100% certain that I had Anorexia.

Anyway, I was told to gain weight, and at first this lead me to be more secretive and lie and cheat myself, I lost a few more pounds first. I was going to the Doctor every 2-4 weeks to be weighed and things got a bit more uncomfortable when I hadn't gained. My Mum was starting to get really worried and upset and it was for her that I pulled myself together. 

I ended up gaining weight from bingeing. The whole time I was gaining weight I did not eat a consistent weight gain diet, I would binge, restrict, binge, restrict, until eventually the binges became so huge that I couldn't possibly 'starve them off' any longer, and I gave in and binged up to about 120lbs by May/June 2008.

Now at a healthy weight the Doctor stopped weighing me and asking about food etc.. assuming that I was healthy now. Everyone else did the same I suppose, it probably appeared that I just eat normally. But this was not the case, mentally I was still as unhealthy as ever because through my whole weight gain I'd still retained the 'Anorexic' mentality. I went through phases of bingeing for ages and gaining 10lbs, and then restricting for ages and losing it again.. Yoyoing back and forth. This has basically continued up until present day.

However for the last few months restriction has been 'winning'. I've had a couple of binge episodes but not enough to make me gain really. I've lost about 7lbs slowly over the last 3 months (obviously would be more had I not binged at all), and although I am still a healthy weight I feel just as unhealthy mentally as I did when I was underweight. I have disordered thoughts constantly and in the last two days they have got so bad (pushing me to post this). I've been restricting for three months and lying about food and all sorts. I'm constantly feeling fat and disgusting and thinking about how I can eat less and how much weight I want to lose and such. I don't know what to do because if I don't fight this I can see myself being underweight again in a few months. I am trying so hard to fight the disordered thoughts but I haven't been managing to AT ALL for the last few days.. I've found myself fatigued, starving, irritable, dizzy.. and my period has not come although I was due weeks before Christmas. I've been making very restrictive meal plans in my head and feeling guilty for eating very few calories.. I KNOW THIS IS WRONG, I am not condoning this behavior, but there is a side of my mind that compulsively wants me to be underweight again. Whenever I try and fight a disordered thought, a voice bites back that I don't deserve 'recovery' because I've never actually been diagnosed. It's like the undiagnosed eating disorder has come back and wants to keep pushing me until I get that diagnosis. 

I don't know who to turn to for help which is why I am posting this - I feel like I can't tell my Mum or my Doctor because they will turn me away and think I'm a stupid hypochondriac or something because I'm a healthy weight. I don't want to be made to feel 'stupid' because I'm worried it will just push me even further.. What's going on with me and what should I do??? I really need some help.

First priority is to go to the doctor. I know it's a Saturday, but given that you've been doing this for the past three months I would go to your hospital drop-in about this. You don't need to be underweight to "deserve" treatment nor do you need to be underweight to have something wrong with you - and you know this is wrong. Go to your Mum asap if not your doctor. You HAVE to talk to someone about this face to face.

If you want a specific definition you're describing ED-NOS. Restriction behaviours, even if at a "healthy" weight by definition. And remember, anorexia isn't just about weight loss and physical symptoms, but all the symptoms in your mind too. It is clear to tell that, even if you're weight restored, your mentality wasn't helped. This is where things like therapists and teams provide so much help because they get to the root of why your ED came about. 

You can still be doing so much damage to yourself through malnutrition even if you're not classified as underweight. The fact you're saying you are, in your words: "fatigued, starving, irritable, dizzy..." and without a period - is this not sign enough?

So reach out. Talk to your mum. Go to the hospital and speak to someone there. Go to your GP. Please. No one is going to think you a hypochondriac. On top of this: build your calories back up to a minimum of 2000 as you go. Even if you only make enough to reach 1200 or 1500 today, that'd be brilliant. Take it slowly, don't frighten yourself, but do eat more and build to 2000.

If you need to vent privately I'm always open to a PM.

I'm in much the same position right now.  I was severely anorexic for quite some time, dropped below 80lbs. a couple times.  The difference is I was hospitalized two or three times and then did a partial hospital program that was 11 hours a day, 7 days a week for months at a time. 

I am a 'healthy' weight now but find myself restricting frequently and bingeing on occasion.  I don't see this going to a very happy place, but once I get going, it's hard to stop.

That said, I work with a therapist, nutritionist, and psychiatrist who keep quite close tabs on me.  In fact, I have a nutri appt. today which I am kinda not looking forward to cause my weight is down and i'm not eating enough.

Is there a counselor/therapist you can talk to????  The thoughts and behaviors are a distraction or cover for a larger problem/s.  Can you identify what is "wrong" in your life that you are resorting to disordered eating patterns to cope?  Sometimes, with understanding, it gets easier to nourish yourself properly and accept yourself without having to manipulate your weight with such extremes.

If it is too difficult to talk to your mom or doctor, you could print what you just wrote here and hand it to one of them. It's never an easy thing to own up to something that we feel ashamed of, to say mom, i lied to you and I lied to the doctor but I'm sorry that I did that and now I really need your help. But I believe that you will find that when you do, though it will be horribly uncomfortable for a few days, the people that you have reached out to for help will help you. Your mom clearly does care about you and want you to be healthy. This is evidenced by the fact that she had your butt at the doctor not once but several times when your problem was at its worst and she could see it. Now she can't see it, so she thinks all is well, but If you let her know that things are NOT well, I believe she will do everything in her power to help and to get you any help you need. I am a mom, and I might be angry for a minute if I were in your mother's situation and was given a copy of this post, but I would also start right away to get you the help you need. Anger would subside and it would be all about getting my baby better!

Best wishes! You can do it!

My dear, I know that at this time there is so so so much emphasis on the stick-thin, but the truth is it really isn't healthy.  The doctor probably emphasized this to you.  Just take for example the missing of your period:  there is a reason we women are supposed to get our periods monthly (and it's not just to make sure we aren't pregnant!).  It is also getting rid of what our body needs to excreet (not to be graphic and whatnot, but this is what our body is designed to do so we stay healthy).

You say you binge eat...I'm taking that as you are an emotional eater.  I am too.  Often I feel it's hard *not* to be an emotional eater because life is pure stress mostly and it's plain tough, let's face it.  The only thing I've found has helped me with this is directing the frustration/pain in a different way.  What do you like to do for fun?  Writing, drawing, photography, sports?  Anything can be useful.  Even just talking to a friend for an hour can be an amazing help.

At our age it feels like the world is falling down on us a lot.  The main thing to realize is you're not alone in this.  We are all going through these problems and supporting each other is the best thing we can do.  My attempt at supporting you will at least be to tell you what a pal once told me:  all these pretty pop stars that are famous for their good looks and bodies...yes they mostly have had plastic surgery and implants, but the reason men think they are brilliant and so attractive is partially their rear ends.  And yes, at this point I laughed at her, but she told me that hey, you can't have a nice butt if you are at 100 pounds.

That brings some humor to it but the fad of weight-loss at this time is to be healthy, not to look like TV stars.  We lose weight if we are over, gain if we are under.  Maintaining a stable, healthy weight is ideal.  Talking to parents is hard because we feel they're so judgemental but talking brings support and guidance.  If not your mum, then a counselor, a friend...honestly, if confidentiality is an issue then even me or another online responder.  It'll take work but shaking the mentality is key.  The important thing is learning to love your body and find it beautiful at it's healthy weight.  If even for future children/grandchildren, you need to have your health so you can have a long life for the good times ahead! 

Good luck, friend.  Just believe in yourself & it'll all be okay.

i'm much in the same boat and i'd be here to give you all the advise from a great standpoint you could hear...but i think you'll hear enough. i just want you to know i have your support and am rooting for you to help heal  and take care of yourself =)

Yeah my story is pretty much identical to yours..

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, I can't even explain how much it means to me to have found such kind responses! I spoke to my Mum and it was the hardest thing ever. We've spoken about it a couple of times since, it's like she needs a lot of thinking time in between conversations to understand things. Which I can understand completely. It looks like the Doctor is the next step but I feel so much stronger already just knowing that I have the support of people on this forum and also my mother. Thank youuu all xxxxx