Heart Broken

Oh man, over 30 years? I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've never been through a divorce, so I don't have any advice for you, just a big hug right now.

It's always heartbreaking when two people find that they no longer can handle being maried together and must be divorced. My heart goes out to you. No great ideas on how to heal a broken heart, but try to make do, maybe see if you can find someone to visit during the holidays such as family or a good friend.

Sorry, though, man. That sucks.

First of all, you look great!  I'm sorry about your divorce.  It's an especially bad time of year for that.  No words of wisdom, just wishing you the best. It will take time to heal, so just take all the time you need.  Eventually, you will feel better and will move on.

**HUGS**

I'm so sorry!  It's so hard to deal with lost love.  Friends and family are a good support systems.  

Dog are GREAT listeners! they'll never talk back and they'll let you vent your heart out!

I send you all my strength!!

Sounds like she has different reason for leaving. Have you two attempted counseling? Is she even willing to try?

I agree. It sounds like she has different reasons. I'm not saying that she wasn't uncomfortable with your weight loss or new lifestyle. Sometimes people have multiple issues within that determine their course of action. I suggest that you look beneath the surface for the underlining issues between you. We rationalize things to the point we can't see clearly. We blow issues up that were just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

 Example: One person starts drinking heavily towards the end of a marriage.

That doesn't mean that their spouse left them because they were drinking. It's the circumstances that lead to the heavy drinking, behavior, and overall change in them/ as well as their relationship. Sometimes we blame symptoms before getting a diagnosis. The change in you may've sparked something, but I assure you it isn't the only factor at play. Symptoms can push you over the edge, but they aren't the reason. I strongly suggest that you talk to your wife. ( Counseling-if she'll go ) Or just one on one. The reason for which being that you've invested thirty years in each other. That way you can finish the marriage with a clear mind. You can each move on to leave the marriage saying you did everything you could. There is nothing left to say that you'd possibly wish you had later. It's disturbing when people have to ponder over conversations they never started or finished that could've changed the course of their life. It's very important in closure for a couple with an extensive history to start and finish the topic of conversation. ( Your marriage. )  Have the conversation. Make sure that it's an extensive one, even if only to ask questions without any hostility. Just as two adults keeping in mind that you once loved each other enough to get married in the first place.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”- Rose Kennedy

So sorry to hear.  It has got to be so hard to close all that history.  Do you belong to a gym, or looks like you enjoy running, is there a running club you could join?  It's obvious you enjoy being fit, try to find people who like it too.  Good Luck to you.  Take care of yourself and try and take it one day at a time.

Original Post by betzc:

So sorry to hear.  It has got to be so hard to close all that history.  Do you belong to a gym, or looks like you enjoy running, is there a running club you could join?  It's obvious you enjoy being fit, try to find people who like it too.  Good Luck to you.  Take care of yourself and try and take it one day at a time.

 Actually I have several gyms available in my area (even one where I work) but I really enjoy working out at home...no lines...no worrying about the machine...no excuses about being to cold to get in the car...and best of all I can watch or listen to whatever I want on the TV or stereo

I dont belong to a local running club but I do participate in volunteering for some of the local events. 

Original Post by dave98z3:

I dont belong to a local running club but I do participate in volunteering for some of the local events. 

You may want to consider joining a local running club. It's usually fairly inexpensive to join and then you can attend all of their events/runs. If you go to a group run each week, you'll meet new people and make friends who are interested in running, like you are! Plus, the running will help take your mind off everything. If you're worried that you're too slow/can't run far enough/will hold the group back, don't be worried! (I think that a lot of people feel this way.. myself included!)  There are groups for all types of runners and you can find one that fits you. If you decide you really don't like the running club, you're only out a little bit of money and at least you tried something new!

This too shall pass. 

I hope you have friends and family to surround you throughout the holiday. Try to remain positive, even if you aren't happy about the circumstances. There comes a point when there's nothing more we can do. Sometimes what we consider the worst possible thing is actually a blessing in disguise. Keep your spirits up. 

 I'm not sure what you believe or do not. These quotes are uplifting to me though so I thought I'd share them with you. No offense meant regardless of those with opposing faiths ect.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Its sad that yall can't work it out.  I see that you've tried, maybe her seeing the papers will wake her up.  I can't believe she would easily give up 30 years of marriage over you losing weight.  People grow and change, no one is going to be the same after 30 years.  Good luck to you.  

I lost 75 pounds and a husband - also after 30 years of marriage.  He never blamed it on my weight loss, but it was just the most obvious proof of a gradual departure from things we had in common.  The lifestyle that went with losing weight and the cessation of those activities that had resulted in my being fat meant we no longer had as much to share, in his opinion.  He stayed with the old habits and I had new ones.  Enough new ones apparently, to alienate him. 

If your wife won't do counselling with you, try doing it on your own.  I found it very helpful in my case, as he was inclined to blame all his problems on me and hold me responsible for the alienation between us. 

It's painful to see 30 years of marriage end and it's even more painful to say goodbye to all the plans you had for the future with your spouse.  Pain doesn't go away, like Rose Kennedy said, but it hits you less and less often and you find ways to diminish it's effects.  All scar tissue isn't a bad thing.

I can't say that splitting up is a good thing, but not every relationship is destined to last forever.  I've met someone new and it's been absolutely wonderful.  I still have wounds that need to heal, but he's helping me see a whole new side of life I never experienced before.

Good luck, whether you ever get back together or not.  Life rolls on ahead of you regardless and there are always new and good things ahead.

You might want to think about continuing with counseling without her, Dave, just to get your own head right. Unfortunately this is something that does happen when one partner makes a serious change in their life. No one is at fault, you just become too different.

Sending energy for strength.

I am very sorry and also shocked why is she against you losing weight? this is not usual. She should be happy for you. did you ask her what is wrong with weight loss and what was her answer? honestly, she could be intimidated because of your new image. I don't know about you and her but if she is overweight, that could be the answer. what was her reaction during your weight loss journey? losing 70 pounds doesn't happen in one day.

Would both of you rethink about that divorce decision? maybe she just needs sometime alone.. 

Hope things will get better soon for both of you. 

Dave -- so sorry for you, it is clear that you did not wish for this.

I would suggest that you NOT isolate yourself.  Working out at home might be more convenient, but being around people will help with your state of mind.  Stay out of sappy movies, but go to some stupid comedies or action films.  Look for possibilities for low-key social interaction (bowling league, etc).  If you are a "boss" or supervisor at work, consider inviting other singles over for holiday dinners, etc -- really, even a loner like myself, no one wants to be alone over the holidays.

Best of luck

You look great!

I have no great advice for you, personally I would change how I look at it, instead of seeing it as an ending try and see it as a new beginning. Not easy I know!

{{hugs}}

So sorry to hear that. Find a local support group for people going through divorce. Meeting and talking to others that are in the same situation can really help. Support groups online also.

http://www.divorcecare.org/

http://www.divorcesource.com/info/surviving/s upport.shtml

http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnsdivor ce/0,,nv56,00.html

Original Post by coach_k:

Dave -- so sorry for you, it is clear that you did not wish for this.

I would suggest that you NOT isolate yourself.  Working out at home might be more convenient, but being around people will help with your state of mind.  Stay out of sappy movies, but go to some stupid comedies or action films.  Look for possibilities for low-key social interaction (bowling league, etc).  If you are a "boss" or supervisor at work, consider inviting other singles over for holiday dinners, etc -- really, even a loner like myself, no one wants to be alone over the holidays.

Best of luck

 

 

coach-k thanks...you are correct it wasnt something I wanted and I REALLY REALLY tried to find ANY solution but in the end the final solution was her leaving.  What I have learned so far that as I go through this the "true" friends come out...and the others (and there seems to be LOTS of others) take the side of the person who tells the story first...its like they are part of the divorce as well...so you not only end up losing the spouse you lose the "friends" that cant see the forest through the trees.