When do you think he'll ASK already? Really need advice!!

So here's the situation.  I'm currently in a great relationship with my boyfriend - we have our little tiffs but it never lasts more than a few hours and it's usually resolved with lots of hugs.  We've been together for 4 years come October (Halloween).  We live together and are sexually active, but very careful.  Basically, everything's great.

The main thing I'm curious about is when he's going to ask me to marry him.  We've already discussed this as a sure thing in the future.  We want kids (two planned, and then adopt after that - his idea, and I love it!), and he wants to take care of me.  Basically, right now I'm responsible for paying off my car, paying rent, and eventually taking care of the kids when we have them, and he's responsible for paying the bills and eventually buying us a house (in which case I'd probably cover the mortgage and he'd still take care of bills).  We have separate accounts but consider both of our funds to be "ours" rather than his and mine, and we transfer funds over to each other as needed.  I'm trying not to pressure him into proposing though he knows I'd like him to do it.  Once I suggested getting a joint bank account to make rent and bills easier, and he refused so I didn't even bring it up again.

The main things I see as an obstacle to him proposing is his age/maturity, my weight, and our financial stability.  He's 24 and I'm 26, and he'll hit 25 before I hit 27.  He's also never had a serious relationship before and I know it frightens him a little that his first serious relationship may be his last as well, so it makes him feel somewhat too immature to get married.  Our financial stability is the least of my worries since we're making enough both to get by and to pay off loans, but I know he wants to support me and I doubt he's good enough at building up his savings yet to get me a ring.  My weight is more an issue of my self-confidence, since he met me when I was about 170, and I'm currently 205 (was as high as 211.5).

I've already told him, and he's fine with the idea, that if I can pay off my car, finish one of my major non-work creative projects, and get down to 150, I AM going to start having children, and he IS going to be the father.  And that if I get pregnant even by accident, he HAS to marry me.  But I don't want to force him into a proposal like that.  Those are MY physical and financial goals that I want before I start having kids so that they can be healthy (based on my pregnancy weight) and in a financially stable home, though I'm mentally ready to be a mother and have been for some time.

I guess my main question is, do you think he'll propose?  When I'm at my personal goals, or in his own time before then?  We're hitting our 4-year anniversary and it's driving me crazy.  It's not exactly something I can ask him, and I have few female friends - my best girlfriend in town is already engaged to her high school sweetheart, almost finished college, and getting married in November.

Sorry for the really long post, I just wanted to make sure I had all the details clear.

Original Post by antipixie:

It's not exactly something I can ask him

Why not? 

I've been with my bf for almost 3 years so I'm getting the "when are you guys getting married???" question. I'm sure my bf will do it eventually but I have a feeling he wants the engagement to be a surprise.

Also, we went shopping for rings already and do you know how much those things cost?! Engagement and a wedding can be very big expenses so it's possible he's just waiting to get his ducks in a row before popping the question.

Of course it's possible that marriage isn't a top priority to him right now. Not that he doesn't want to, but maybe it's not on his immediate "to do" list.

This may not be a supportive enough answer but I feel like I don't know enough about him and his goals to be able to even guess. Does he feel good in his career? Does he believe in marriage? Does he want to be a father Now or in ten years?

I guess the part that bothered me, was the paragraph about how you "told" him about all these goals and he is sort of just rolling along. It may be the wording "He's fine with it" but that just sounds like he's tolerating it rather than actively hoping for it. Like asking your parents if you can stay out late and they're ok with it. LoL. If he's the less dominant one anyway, then you could just as easily propose to him right now (or after those goals).

The age difference is pretty minute. I had a friend who married his college sweetheart when he was 21 and she was 24. Most of my friends are 23-45 and unmarried. I know it's natural to worry about this in your late twenties. It does sound like a great relationship.

If you really want to marry him, ask him.  This is 2009!  :)

Well. situtation sounds familiar but I already have a child from a previous relationship 15 years ago.  My husband and I been together a little over 4 years I basically was tired of giving the milk for free, it had been four years and it was driving me crazy and he was the same way wanted to financially support me and eventually buy a house and live a happy life but we married and he also is 27 and he freaked after we married now we are probably going to be divorced, he told me he wasn't ready and should of never got married that there was things he wanted to do but can't do because now he is married, now get this I did not make him marry me and he was a willing participant in the ceremony.  So, with this said and experience doesn't mean it's going to happen to you but establish yourself and if time goes on and he still hasn't proposed then move on, why buy the milk if it's free.  Sounds more like a financial convenience to me.  You pay the rent and of course your car, what bills is he paying I read the part he will be paying for a house but he is not currently doing that is all talk, I like to see action with what comes out of a person mouth and four years is enough time to know if you are going to marry that person and he hasn't proposed yet he is either scared or not sure what he wants yet but in the mean time the relationship and financial situation is convenient.  I don't mean to sound harsh i just lived it and know people who lived it.  I seen my sister have three kids with a guy live with him for 5 years and when it came down to marrying he left and the next day he had someone else and has a new life as we speak. I also have a friend who has been with a guy for 8 years and she is still waiting for him to propose he keeps giving her that excuse oh, I want to be able to give you the best and take care of you but she is still paying the rent and a roof over his head and still waiting.  Not to be a man hater or anything but alot of times men like it when it's convenient but marriage is a whole different life and when the responsibilites pile up they are not ready to be that man in the home and take care of buisness, if you just looking for financial convenience like a buisness partnership then go for it.

I can totally relate... me and my bf have had the 'what I can see in our future' convo... but he wants to be ready. My ready and his ready are completely different though!

His version of ready is: being able to financially provide for his kids-to-be, me and my daughter (from a prev relationship). You know, being well off enough to buy the house, car, and everything they want. His lifeplan is to have this inside 2 years. He's also actually said to me 'and when I'm financially ready there'll be a question with a ring involved'. My first words, but I don't want a ring... d'oh! I would much rather a fancy wedding ring than an engagement one, and to be fair he did ask me what I wanted instead...

So I'm effectively engaged anyway lol I now know he loves me that much and for me thats enough for now. And he'll ask me when he wants to start planning it.  In the meantime, I have lots of time to peruse ideas and things... I'm a girl, I can do this lol

Maybe your bf the same? Maybe its the 'when this happens I WILL be having kids' is putting him off slightly? As soon as my bf mention his life wants to me, like actually involving me, 'in five years time I want this, this, and this' I went into panic overload, even though its what I want too.

But you know, you could also ask him! Or you could just buy the ring yourself and wear it lol I have a ring that only fits that finger and won't wear it on account it would make people think we were married... his response 'yer and?'

Really sounds like you've got a great relationship already though!

floggingsully - I don't want to ask him when he'll propose because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him.  It'd probably either turn him off if he isn't ready at all or ruin any surprise if he has decided to propose.  My answer is already pretty much set and he knows it.  But I want it to be his decision.

cellophane_star - Thank you, that's an excellent point, and one I wasn't really thinking of.  It does calm me down a bit!

vertigal - Thank you for your honesty.  He actually does want to be a father, and he's been very open about how much he wants a little girl.

Basically, you guys, my goals are less of an ultimatum for HIM and more what I want to make my life the happiest it can be.  That includes children.  When I reach those goals (hopefully in 2-3 years - my car is brand new), that is when I'll propose, purespark.  If he refuses at that point, I'll probably give him a second chance, then leave him and make arrangements to become a single mother if necessary.  I want him to have what he wants in life because I love him, which is why I won't force a wedding on him when he's not ready.  But I respect myself enough to know what I want and not settle for anything less.  I won't stay with a man who's willing to get me pregnant but not marry me.  And I won't stay with a man who will withhold the one thing I truly want from life - children.

Basically I just want him to make the decision that he wants me in his life forever.  And I'm just anxious that he hasn't yet.  But I have my back-up plans in place, down the line.

Original Post by antipixie:

I've already told him, and he's fine with the idea, that if I can pay off my car, finish one of my major non-work creative projects, and get down to 150, I AM going to start having children, and he IS going to be the father.  And that if I get pregnant even by accident, he HAS to marry me.  But I don't want to force him into a proposal like that.  Those are MY physical and financial goals that I want before I start having kids so that they can be healthy (based on my pregnancy weight) and in a financially stable home, though I'm mentally ready to be a mother and have been for some time.

1. Look at the type of language youre using. He IS going to be the father, he HAS to marry me...pretty forceful statements. Look, its totally good to have goals. But your goals seem to (mostly) be for him - like its more of a to-do list for him than a goal for you. Things like getting married and having kids are joint ventures. Im really glad that you seem realistic about the financial constraints of having a baby, but you dont seem interested in any type of compromise with your guy. Marriage is going to be rough if you arent willing to compromise.

2. He probably cares about your weight way less than you do. If he's the type of guy worth marrying, your weight shouldnt stop him from proposing.

Original Post by purespark:

If you really want to marry him, ask him.  This is 2009!  :)

Yeah, this is all I can come up with. I mean I don't know this guy at all, I have no way of knowing when he would want to propose.

Original Post by coffincritter:

Original Post by purespark:

If you really want to marry him, ask him.  This is 2009!  :)

Yeah, this is all I can come up with. I mean I don't know this guy at all, I have no way of knowing when he would want to propose.

I might be some kind of crazy rabid feminist, but I believe that if you are sure you want to marry a guy, you ask him. Men have all kinds of reasons for not proposing - not thinking of it, fear of rejection, and just plain not wanting to get married. If you are living together and have been together for four years, he should at the very least know if he wants to marry you or not. Strictly in terms of age, there is nothing wrong with getting engaged at 24, as long as you have the mental maturity. I don't understand what buying a house has to do with it either, as long as you are financially stable. You don't need an engagement ring (or a fancy one anyway) or a house to get married. Nor do you have to be thin, as long as you are both attracted to each other the way you are.

When my [future] husband and I were both 24 I told him that I wanted to marry him. He agreed that it sounded like a good idea. We had been dating for about 6 months but had been friends for years before that. We didn't make our engagement public for another year. He talked about buying me a ring, but I asked him to use the money to pay off his credit card debt instead, so he did. One year after my "proposal" we moved in to a small apartment together, eventually made our engagement public, and got married in a small, simple wedding at age 26. Incidentally, I was the fattest I had ever been in my life when we got hitched, but it didn't make me or my husband any less thrilled.

We still live in a tiny apartment but are quite happy nonetheless. We have matured together and hope to continue building our lives together. No, we are not prepared to have children yet (we both want to complete our masters degrees first, and at the very least find a bigger apartment) but there is no reason why you can't get married and wait on the kids.

So for goodness sakes, just ask him if it is important to you. He will either say yes or no, and then at the very least you will know where you stand.

Seriously, just talk to him - he might have his reasons for waiting... he might even be planning something now. He might have his heart set on proposing, and is just waiting for the right time (or enough money).

Or, it could be completely off his radar, and he thinks you are perfectly ok with the status quo.

Don't nag. Don't demand. Simply ask.

But your reasons for getting married should not be your age, or how long you've been together, or what your friends are doing. It should be that you (and that's the plural you - both of you) are ready to take this step.

Also, as someone who is going to marry her first serious relationship... the feeling of "shouldn't I have at least dated some other people first?" passes - I can honestly say that while I used to wonder, I no longer do - it just stopped being something that concerned me. He might not have passed that point yet.

I may be repeating some comments, but here is what happend for me!  Its got a good ending :)

I was not living with my BF of 5 years, and I had a frustrating work situation which was making me wonder if I needed to relocate closer to work to deal with it or not, but I also had no idea what was in BF's head.  So one day after a particularly obnoxious commute, I stopped by his house and just asked where he was as far as we were concerned--did he ever see us living together?

And he said oh yes, that had crossed his mind.

Inside of about 15 minutes, it was very obvious this had done FAR MORE than cross his line, and he was talking about rings and what sort of wedding did we want?  A week later he'd done research on wedding chapels (we planned to go to Vegas) and 2 weeks after that we were ring shopping.  He proposed about 3 months afterwards (and it was perfect :D ) and we got married 3 weeks ago.

It seemed to me, in my case, that he was waiting for me to give him some sort of sign.  I'd never brought up getting married (though I'd joke about eloping to Vegas when we were at friends' weddings) because I didn't want to be that pesky chick looking for a ring...but he wanted to be sure he'd get a yes, too.

So I'd suggest bringing it up!  Otherwise you have no idea where he's at, and you need to make sure you guys are on the same train here!

I met my husband when he was 24.  He waited 3 1/2 years to propose and it was another 1 1/2 years before we got married.  We had a lot of fun during this time period and did a lot of traveling.  We did not move in together until three months before our wedding. 

When he was 31 we had our son.  By that time he was secure in his career and with himself.  It worked out well.

I think at 24, men are generally focused on their career and getting themselves "set-up".  In society, men are generally judged by their accomplishments.  Perhaps he would feel a little inadequate if he entered this life long commitment without having his ducks in a row.

Been there. Done this.

For me I decided that I'd stay with him without a proposal as long as I was happy overall but if there came a point that it was too big of an issue for me to continue being happy I'd have to just tell him I wasn't happy being a gf any more.

That really made me relax. It changed something in me when I made the decision that I didn't have control over his readiness. I chilled.

3-4 months later. . .out of the clear blue. . .he proposed. I didn't see it coming. Hadn't asked him about it. (I understand you not wanting to put pressure on him - I felt the same way). I hadn't even thought about it myself in a while.

Then BANG he proposed!

We're getting married in March.

So you have to decide these things for yourself. We can offer a perspective but you have to decide what you're happy with and what you're not.

BTW, I used to get embarrassed when people would ask. . .I started telling them we had plans to get married the 2nd Tuesday of next week.  If he was around I let him feel the pressure and answer the question. It might not have been nice of me. . .but I was wondering about the answer too. . . . .

Good luck!

I met my fiance when we was 25 and I was 21. He at 25 had decided he wanted to look for a relationship and possibly someone to settle down with. I think it depends on the maturity level which sometimes can be a rollercoaster with men. We were together for 3.5 years before he proposed, we had both gotten out of the military, I had moved to Texas for him and we had spent over a year apart due to the military and deployments and such. Honestly my biggest mistake was bugging him about when he was going to propose. I felt as I had been bending over backwards for him and still no ring. His deal was that he wanted it to be the perfect time, which of course does not exist, he wanted all our bills to be paid off at the time because engagement rings and weddings are expensive. I finaly just gave up because the more pushing I did the more it hurt his feelings, it didn't speed things up. My advice, just relax and enjoy what you have.

P.S. I'm not trying to say that you were being as "pushy" as I was.

i asked mine. we talked about when the right (not perfect) time was going to be a good few years before. i am not one of those nagging or hinting types, and he's not one of those that thinks only women should do certain things & men should do others. so i just asked when i felt the time was right. i didn't see why it had to be up to him to propose.

now, some guys, well... they are a different story than mine.

my grandmother hinted to my grandfather numerous times, his last excuse was the 'great' war. pfft, if i would put myself through those games. i didn't pressure i simply just asked.

Original Post by stripedtiger:

For me I decided that I'd stay with him without a proposal as long as I was happy overall but if there came a point that it was too big of an issue for me to continue being happy I'd have to just tell him I wasn't happy being a gf any more.

That is a very good statement right there. I think I need to take that as personal advice. I've been with my boyfriend 2.5 years and we are so incredibly perfect together. We don't argue ever. If we have disagreements we talk about it. We always have great conversation and are rarely short on stuff to talk about. We have very similar goals with the direction of our lives together. We talk about buying a house, moving to a new town, travelling, how many kids we're going to have and what their names are going to be, etc. I know he wants to be with me. He's told me he never wants to be with anybody else. That was a while ago and he still hasn't asked. I guess it just kind of confuses me how he makes a statement like that and brings up all this stuff about our future wedding and kids and stuff yet last I asked (about 6 months ago) he said he wasn't ready to get married. He brings things up out of the blue about how people at work comment on a picture he has of us on his desk and thinks we're married with a smile on his face. He's made absolutely NO hint that he's thinking of proposing. In fact he talks about all these other expensive purchases that will consume all he has in savings like new computers and stuff. I've asked myself how long I think I could be in a relationship with no indication of a proposal and I think my limit is going to be 4 years. After that I'd feel like I was being dragged along a dead end road. So, I'm going to try to just relax about it and not think much about the statements he makes about our future. If he hasn't asked after four years, I will tell him I'm not content with being just a girlfriend anymore and see where that takes me. Thanks Stripedtiger for insight.

I have the same advice as Megan above, don't push too hard or he may push back and you may not like it.  B/f and I were together for 4+ years and i was about the meltdown at the fact that we weren't engaged yet and when his younger sister got engaged (on my b-day - a little salt in the wound) my bugging escelated slightly.  Turns out he'd had my ring the entire time and was just waiting for a huge event in my life (Relay For Life) to propose and told me my pestering almost made him not do it because I was driving him nuts! 

Not implying that's what you're doing at all, just another situation perspective.  As long as he knows that being married is important to you (and hopefully him too) and you two talk about the future together, that's what important.  There are lots of ways to drop hints that you're ready when he is without going over the edge about it (like me :P). 

On the flip side, don't let him become so complacient in the relationship that he doesn't feel the need to get married.  Sometimes after this long people tend to act like they're married so guys figure "what's the point" if it's already good.  Again, communication is key and good luck!

"So here's the situation.  I'm currently in a great relationship with my boyfriend - we have our little tiffs but it never lasts more than a few hours and it's usually resolved with lots of hugs.  We've been together for 4 years come October (Halloween).  We live together and are sexually active, but very careful.  Basically, everything's great"

So why get married and **** everything up?