Hello world...

Hi there.  I'm Heather...Looking for friends and people to keep me accountable.  I don't get a whole lot of help at home as my hubby looks at me terrified when I mention "weight loss" thinking that I'm going to restrict us both to tasteless rice cakes and wheatgrass shots.

I think I'm just going to cut and paste my first journal entry to introduce myself because I think it pretty much covers everything.  Sorry...its long:

So here I am, back at the Calorie Counting website...for probably the third time in my life.  I wish I could say I was optimistic that this would be the time it worked and stuck, but I'm sadly not.  But still, I'm here, because I know I need help, I know this has worked for me in the past, and because maybe, just maybe there's a little glimmer of hope left in me.

Growing up, I was always the skinny one in the family.  My parents and siblings were larger, but with very little effort, I was able to stay small.  I always knew in the back of my mind that if I wasn't careful, it would be very easy for me to get big -- fast...but I didn't concern myself with it.  I was very active in college with the help of this website and martial arts, I was able to maintain a very healthy weight at about 125, a great physique, and an overall healthy lifestyle.  I wish I could say that I appreciated it...but no...I took it for granted and always longed to be a size 0.

Well, then I got married.  I left college and stopped taking martial arts because I just couldn't afford it anymore.  For the first time in my life, I was responsible for making dinner every night for me and my incredibly hungry husband lol! My appetite seemed to grow and we started eating more and more fast food, and fatty meals at home.  When money was tight, our eating habits got even worse.  It seemed like in the blink of an eye I was up to 150...it was bigger than I'd ever imagined that I would be.  I became horribly self-conscious, but my husband assured me that it was no big deal.  He said he didn't mind the extra weight so I shouldn't either.

I tried a few times to lose the extra pounds, with this website, or with "Slimquik" pills, or with a pen and paper weight loss journal.  While I would lose a few pounds quickly at first, I was never able to stick with it.  It seems like money is always a problem...healthy food just costs more.  And with a husband that is completely unwilling to compromise about drinking 1% milk, or splenda rather than sugar, or low fat butter...things were complicated and difficult.  I finally just gave up for a while, thinking "Well as long as I don't get any bigger than this, I'll be ok."  And for a while...I didn't get any bigger, and I thought it was ok.

About six months ago, I quit my job to follow my dream to make my art my career.  Now, this was a good choice, but one thing has suffered.  At my old job, I walked to/from work every single day.  I was a barista at a busy coffee shop, so my job was very physically actice and I was on my feet all day.  But now, my job is completely from home...sitting at a desk or worse, on the couch in front of the computer.  I knew that I was getting bigger, but I was unwilling to weigh myself and fess up to how bad it had gotten.  I cringed when I saw photos of myself...surely that can't be me!  The person that I see doesn't match the person that's in my head at all.  What happened to the athletic chic that used to do 1000 situps a day and kick people's butts in the Dojo?

The last month or so, I kinda half-assed tried to cut back on the fat.  I still hadn't weighed myself, but I was at least trying to make better choices.  Still, the fast food always wins out when we're out of time or I don't want to cook.  I kept running into the same old problems again and again.  I fooled myself into thinking that I was eating healthier but I was in denial.   As if to add insult to injury, my mom and dad went on diets earlier this year and have had tremendous success.  My mom is skinnier than I have ever seen, and I realized the last time I saw her that I was no longer "the skinny one" in the family.  That really hurt...I never imagined that I wouldn't be the skinny one.

It wasn't until tonight that I realized how bad things were. I had posted my status on facebook about what I was eating for dinner and how delicious it was.  When one of my friends (who is on WeightWatchers) replied "Oh you're killing me...that sounds so good but I can't have any of that stuff becase I'm on a diet!" I realized how absurd it was that I considered myself to be on a diet too.  I was faced with the realization that if I didn't get serious about this, the problem was only going to get worse.

I dusted off the bathroom scale.  There were actually spiderwebs on it.  I even had to recalibrate it.  After much hesitation, I finally got on.  174.  That's a BIG number for my tiny height.  I couldn't believe it.  I never imagined that I would get this big.  I took a good long look at myself in the mirror.  I just couldn't be in denial about it any longer. Suddenly, it started to make sense.  No wonder I have no energy.  No wonder I get winded walking up the stairs.  No wonder  that even though I'm only 24, I have aches and pains in places I never hurt before.  Why should I be surprised that my digestive system is constantly out of whack when my diet consists mostly of McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers or pizza?  I had to accept that I really am not "the skinny one" anymore. 

So here I am.  Money is still tight.  Time is even tighter. But I have to do something.   The idea of exercising alone terrifies me.  I have no energy.  But I have to do something.  I don't know what...I don't know how...I'm not even sure that I believe I am capable of fixing this.

But I have to ....I have to do something.

Hey, if you made it all the way to the bottom of that, I thank you. 

 I truly believe you have to think change not fix.  And change takes time and effort. And when you don't think you can anymore,you have a support system of thousands of other women right here. We are going through it too,with you. :)