help with gaining motivation-situation getting serious

hey guys, you may have seen me lurking around the boards before. anyway, i've been trying to get healthier and gain some weight but have found myself restricting/overexercising again the past two days. anyway, just woke up, weighed myself, and for the first time i'm under 100 lbs. 19 y.o. female. 5'5 99lbs... i'm more than a little frightened. i put up a couple pictures. the one in the bathing suit is ~112lbs, the other is me at around 155. i'd like a little moral support/tough love to help me Gain the will power to Gain at least back to 112... at least. anyway, i know that people sometimes have trouble knowing how to respond to ed posters, and i'm sorry, but feel free to be as critical or nice as you feel. i just could use some honest support. i'm going to go make an omelet with toast. i just want to say thanks so much in advance. i've never quite felt this way and i'm not sure what exactly i'm feeling and it frightens me.

*hug!*

Try not to worry, you'll get through this.  You sound like a really strong person.

hey jessinca, you may have seen me lurking in the ED thread (although i've been MIA lately) I just want to say that you're very brave for doing this and that you look great in that bikini! (maybe could do with a bit more weight but we'll deal with that later). whenever you have any uncertainty in eating/feelings, come talk to us. trust me, once you eat you'll have so much more energy. meanwhile, just associate positive thoughts with eating. It's easier said than done, but I have faith in you.

Jess- We have talked before and I have told you that I am in a simialr situation. I am glad that you are reaching out for help and support. In order to stop the ed thoughts (which I still have everyday) you have to confront the problem. Have you sat down and really thought about what startede this and how you got to this point? When you face your emotions and feelings about your body image you will hate your disorder (and it sounds like you have that love/hate relationship with it like I do). You need to not worry about the loss as much as putting a positive step in the right direction.

You can do this...I know that I can too. I do believe that your picture however is way too skinny. Take small steps to getting healthy. Just make yourself eat and tell yourself that it is the medicine and fuel for your body. I hope this helps....feel free to message me!

thanks you guys. i can't really talk about what i'm going through with anyone i *actually know, so being able to get some support on here is really ideal. the fact that you guys say that you have faith in me means a lot. i just rode my bike to the store (probably should have driven, but i just can't NOT do anything exercise-wise) and picked up some stuff for lunch, so i'm going to try and enjoy that. thanks again. any responses really mean a lot

off to cook up some salmon for dinner. i'm only at about 800 cals so far... what should i be aiming for? cc says sedentary maintenance is 1500 for me...

aim for 1500 (it sounds about right), but really, at least hit 1200 if you can't reach 1500 today

Dear Jessica,

If your eating disorder worsens, you are going to develop health problems that make it impossible for you to do what you love: exercise.

In fact, you may become unable to have children, unable to make a deposit at your bank, unable to earn money.    That is why you need to take care of yourself.

Is there a way to take care of yourself in other ways besides eating?  a massage, a weekend away, new sheets, a puppy, anything to take your mind off this and feel better in general?  Appetite is associated with love for life...and I think you may regret it if you don't.  No one else can fix this for you.  Also, you may read up on the lives of people that are going through what you are.

Look for the positive, keep in contact with friends at cc and get into working your program. As one transitions the body will play tricks on you. Currently, I am eating well, but found my body is holding water and pushing my numbers up high. This usually happens before I drop dramatically. Support for folks like us is critical. The alone time is when we binge, eat or drink too, much or for those with eating disorders.( I don't like the term ED...due to viagra ads) It is alone time when our minds try to kill us. It is that 3rd party voice in your head that says "it's ok to eat a gallon of chocolate icecream" or You'll be too fat, one slice of bread will show up immediately. The 3rd party voice or committee as it's often called in recovery groups needs to be kept in check. Having on line or face to face support can make a huge difference. Consider getting a workout partner and someone you can check in with. If this doesn't work consider hiring a trainer. Best wishes
M
ps I live in a beach town in CA too.

Hi there.  It's good that you want to start eating more.  I don't know precisely, but I guess you could use the site's calculators and then just plan a menu with the right calories to get you to the weight you want to be (you even look pretty thin in the 112 pic) and then stick to it.  Are you not eating because you are afraid of your eating getting out of control?  Or is it that it's hard too keep food down?  I would think a therapist and nutritionist could give much better advice than anyone here, but I wish you luck and nourishment.  Whenever I see these emaciated girls (think Nicole Richie 1 year ago) it's painful to look at.  I wish I could send you a piping bowl of chicken soup over the web!

thanks so much for your caring responses. it really means a lot to come somewhere that i actually feel semi-comfortable admitting the darker shades of myself and finding support, not shame. i think that this whole thing started in order to get some sense of control in my life-the home situation has always been pretty volatile, but what can you do. i guess it's just the way i confronted the stress/tension/uneasiness. I'll refrain from using ED as a cover and spell out eating disorders (and not only so iron mike feels more comfortable, made me laugh SO hard) in order to really have to confront what it is i'm putting myself through. My mom used to be my work out partner, we hiked together/rollerbladed/tennis, but she's decided that she's a 'fat senior citizen' (women, dramatic!) and won't go anymore, plus, she cancelled out grand canyon havasupai hike because of my dramatic weight loss-ouch. Udokier, your post was very helpful also- especially the bowl of chicken soup (and not only because i have a bit of a sore throat, but because it seemed so heartfelt/touching). I wish I knew why I was not eating. I think i'm afraid of losing the sense of control i feel, since that's the one thing i feel control over. you'd think that i could just focus this perfectionist energy on something positive (i.e. school, getting myself healthier, enjoying life), but for some reason i'm just finding it hard to get there. It's not super hard to keep food down, although i do get full pretty easily. Also, i have violent nauseous reactions to tension or fighting, so whenever we go out to eat as a family it usually ends up that i don't really feel up to eating because everyone is just bickering for no reason, which turns into a focus on me not eating (and no, telling them that i'd like to eat but they make me feel sick is NOT a good idea, haha, tried it!). thanks again you guys. I can't say with complete certainty that today will definately be the day that everything sort of clicks into place and i sort of 'get' that this is something I NEED to do, but i'm dang well going to try! please keep in touch, you have no idea how much the support means to me.

Sweetie, I am the mother of three girls. As a mother, and I know I can be a nag (believe me I hear it from my 13 year old!) But, I honestly think that you need to get some help from an outside source. Have you had help in the past? It is so encouraging to see that you are reaching out in this forum. That is a step in the right direction and I am very proud of you. Now, take the next step to taking care of you and get some help from a professional who knows all about what you are going through. Someone who can give you the resources you need to get through this. There are reasons that you are doing this to your body. To yourself. You DESERVE to be good to yourself. You deserve to live. You need to work on your mind now to find out what is going on to be able to fix the problem. I know it is scary honey. Believe, I know. But, I know that you can do this. You have already taken a positive step. That is awesome. Life is a big rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. But, the rollercoaster is fun, isn't it? Yea, it can be scary at times, but in the long run, we are usually really glad we took the ride. And we always want to ride it again. If you need resources, go to google and find someone in your area. A school counselor can help you get started as well. Most counselors take insurance and will be paid on a sliding scale. (depending on what you can afford.) I look forward to hearing about your continued success. Good luck. I know you can do this! Go for it kid!