Help me help my hubby

So I am about 4 months into calorie counting myself and I have had some wonderful results...I have managed to lose 32lbs through counting calories and exercising on the treadmill.  I don't have "perfect" food days by any means nor do I claim to know the secret behind whats going on....I just ballpark what calories are going in, watch the portions and aim to stay around 1300-1500 calories a day.  As far as the treadmill goes, I get on it when I can, haven't made it longer then an hour before and go at the pace that I can. If it means I have to walk to catch my breath, I do. If I have stamina, I jog. If I feel adventerous I try to do sprint intervals.

My biggest frustration, however, in this whole process is my husband. I have tried to drop weight before and he really wasn't into it with me. Unfortunately I let his lack of motivation effect my drive and stopped my efforts as well. This time we committed to trying together again. In the same amount of time that I've lost my weight, he has dropped about 20lbs.  I'm happy because it's the most he has ever been able to drop, but he is getting frustrated because he has stalled out for quite some time.  He was about 75lbs heavier then me when we started and only 4 inches taller, so he feels he should ATLEAST be where I am at with this.

I don't feel he gets on the treadmill as often as I do, and when he does I don't think he over exerts himself, so I question his exercise.  I also question if he eats what he claims while he is at work, so I'm not sure if he is on track there either.  Finally, I doubt he realizes the little things that add up.  I don't want to nag and frustrate him into giving up again. I also realize I don't really know what he should be doing calorie and exercise-wise, so I want to make sure if I tell him something, its as accurate as I can be for him.  I would love if someone could look over his stats and let me know what he should be doing.  Any extra advice would be great too. 

He is 5'10" and about 270lbs.  He sits at a desk for work, but he has days that he walks the factory floor all day too (not too often though).  I guess I would classify him as sedentary.  The only form of exercise he does at this point is the treadmill, but I think he can only jog a mile, maybe mile and a half, and then walks some.  The longest that he has ever gone that I know of is 3.5 miles.  He tries to get on the treadmill 2 times a week, but he does it in the morning before work and waking up at 5am is hard for him to get that 30 minutes in.  Would HIIT training be good for him?  Is it best to try and get stronger to jog longer periods of time? Should he just go for time and aim to stay on the treadmill as long as possible regardless of whether its jogging or walking?

Please let me know how many calories he should aim for a day. If we could break it down into meals and snacks, that would be great too.  I think if its as structured as possible, he might try it for a week or two and if he gets results, he will probably stick to it.  If I tell him to aim for 2000 calories or whatever, I feel he eats 1 1000 calorie meal and feels hungry from small snacks the rest of the day.  I think he is of the mentality of "all or nothing" too, so some days I ask him what he ate and he claims to have had less then 1200 calories, so I'm sure this explains his weight situation the last several weeks too. Two weeks ago he lost 2 or 3lbs and was thrilled and then when we weighed yesterday, he was back up almost 2lbs; needless to say he was ticked.

Thank you in advance for any help you guys can give. I really want to be able to help him.

Hello!

I am almost the same stats as your husband; 5'11 and right now about 275lbs.  I am just getting back into things after several months of dealing with problems in my feet.

The reality is you are not going to be able to lose weight for him;  he has to want to do it.  That said, there has to be some sort of plan to stick to.  The success or failure in regards to eating is heavily dependant upon planning ahead.

Do you think he would try something like Weight Watchers?  It might help him to keep track of what to eat, learn about various foods and how they are beneficial (or detrimental), etc.  He might also benefit from talking to people about nutrition and answering questions, etc.

While exercise is important, its not vital that he is getting on the treadmill every day or going for a certain distance or time.  At 270 lbs, its not difficult to get the heart rate going and a brisk walk is just as good if not better than a treadmill.  He could walk during work over lunch break, you guys could walk together each night before or after dinner, etc.  Hopefully it should be something fun rather than seeming like one more thing he has to do during the day.

I'd also explain that the scale is not the best indicator of progress.  Daily weight can and will fluctuate;  he should see a decrease over time but he shouldn't be discouraged by any one weighing.   Taking measurements is a good idea to see if inches are being lost.

In regards to me, I am working out with Russian Kettlebells (think of a metal canon ball with handles).  Its great because I can work out at home or at the gym locally that offers classes.  Its an awesome workout -- you get cardio, endurance and strength all at once.  You might try googling 'kettlebells' to see if he may be interested in those.

Rather than counting calories, I'm following 'The Warrior Diet' which is geared towards eating a limited amount of fruits and veggies during morning and afternoon, then having a big meal at night starting with a big salad, protein and cooked veggies, then a choice of either fats (beans, nuts, etc),  or grains (rice, pasta) or sweets, or alcohol.   It's a bit at odds at what most people think they should do, but its great not to have to worry over much about food preparation during the day, and at night you eat healthy foods until you are full and satisfied without the need for counting.   Its not for everyone but there are a lot of people who swear by it.

Good luck and let us know how you are both doing! :)

Kv

Dear Gym coach,

I have a treadmill, I've had a treadmill for years it's boring.

Think outside the box. Excersise is movement !

But you have to try to do it after work before you et home because once they get home then getting them motivated is hard!!!!

Shoot some hoops at the park, go to the batting cage, mow the lawn, go to a car/boat/bike show where you have to walk around to see everything. Boxing class (he can imagine his boss or mother in law), bowling, ice skating.

If you have kids do these thigs as a family!

Don't think of them as excersise think of it as movement.

Oh and be careful you do not get bitter and mentally set your husband up to fail.

Fennela 

I guess my question is: What does he want to do? No matter how hard you push him, he won't do anything if he doesn't want to. Ask him what he likes.  The more fun exercise is the more likely a person will stick with it.  Jogging and the treadmill are not the only ways one can become healthier.

As for the eating, help him pack lunch so that there is no eating out. This way you both know what he is eating.

Mostly, be inspirational and supportive.  20lbs is a lot of weight, so remind him of that. He needs to pround of his accomplishment. Point out some of the things that he can do now that he couln't do 20lb ago.

Also, regarding the weight gain, remind him that he is losing fat and gaining muscle, so the scale may seem deceiving at times. Moreover, water retention flucuates from day to day which will change his weight as well.

I hope I helped somewhat. Tell him that he is doing great and to keep up the good work!

Thanks for the responses so far. I guess I should provide a little more information to help paint a clearer picture.

The treadmill is his exercise option by choice. He has no interest in doing any type of classes or other activities because he doesn't want other people to see him doing that kind of stuff.  We have tried a gym membership, racquetball with friends and more, but the treadmill is the one thing that he doesn't mind, he can do it at home and he watches tv while he does it.

Also, he works first shift and I work second shift.  When he comes home from work, its literally a "tag" as I hand the kids off to him on my way out the door.  This is why he runs in the morning before work and I try to get mine in at night when I come home.  Our 2 kids are under the age of 3 which makes doing things harder when we are watching them (like getting on the treadmill for any length of time) and they are not old enough to do much with yet.  Our youngest is almost walking and our oldest is finally excited that the weather is decent enough to get outside and run around.  My husband does go out and shoot hoops with him and kicks the soccer ball around a bit, but again, hard to do for too long with the baby yet.

While I absolutely agree that I would love for him to lose weight, I have wanted him to lose weight for the last several years.  He is the one who has finally decided to do it this time and I am happy to support his new found motivation.  I am thrilled with the 20lbs loss and I try very hard to be supportive. I understand anything other then support is going to cause strain on our relationship.  He is frustrated that I am having better luck then him at this time and I think that is causing some strain too.

Knowing that the treadmill is what he likes to do, I was looking for what type of work on it would be best.  Seeing as how I cook dinner and pack his lunch, I wanted to see what his calorie count should be so I can provide him with the right kinds and amounts of foods and give him appropriate snacks for the day. I am seeking this information in order to be as supportive to him as possible.  Like many other things in life, he wants a lot and wants it to come easily (I'm sure we are all guilty of that to some degree).  If I can take care of the food aspect and atleast suggest what type of workout he should be doing, that doesn't leave much room for error on his part.

I love my husband dearly, but he is definitely an all or nothing attitude type of guy.  He is willing to eat veggies and do without a lot of pasta (his favorite food) and not eat seconds at meals if he is losing weight, but if nothing changes, he will say "screw it" and eat whatever he wants again. No, I can't lose weight for him, but I need to be able to do anything I can to help him. 

Every weight loss effort in the past has failed, for both of us, and its been okay because we are both in the same boat.  This time we have a lot more strain between us because we are no longer in the same boat. I don't want him upset at me because I finally found my motivation, but I don't want to lose my motivation because I am afraid he will be mad at me.

Thanks again for your help!

You have the right intentions for him. Loosing weight is difficult if he is the type of guy that wants things to come easily. Maybe you can sit down with him and make a list of fun activities. Walking over the beach, renting bicycles, etc. Something that he really likes to do. Plan the week ahead.

You can also make a list of healthy food choices that he likes so he can still eat a fairly large portion size and slowly cut back. To give you examples: I love milk chocolate and slowly changed milk chocolate to pure, dark chocolate. I also love salty peanuts and I slowly changed that to raw almonds by mixing them together with a few peanuts. Let your husband select some meals while he is in the grocery store and educate him positively on what is a good, smart choice versus a bad choice.

In the weekend, you can both reward yourselves with having a special dinner indoors or outdoors that has a little bit higher calorie count. I love steak and now I select a small filet mignot over a 16oz t-bone steak. I bet he can make these small changes.

If he has difficulties to stay on track already then loosing weight will not be maintainable for the long run so he should look for creative and enjoyable ways to reduce calorie intake and/or increase activity so he can eat more.

As always, we all have days, periods of time that we loose and gain weight. Nobody looses only weight day in, day out.

I bolded: He a few times because only your husband can change his lifestyle. You can only support and motivate him.

I have been where you are and it took my husband to be diagnosed with diabetes for me to realise that his problem in the weight loss was that he never really committed to it previously because he hadn't really wanted to lose the weight.  Does your husband really want to lose weight or is he just doing it to make you happy?

My husband is doing really well, part of it is that I only stock the house with the right foods so if he gets snackish he doesn't have too much in the way of high calorie options.

Also we go walking at night together after dinner and do 4-6 miles most nights, it takes both us to motivate each other to walk as I walk 6 miles a day to and from work so its really his walking time at night.  Without him really being into wanting to lose the weight though he would make excuses each night like he used to.  With your kids, can you get a family member or friend nearby watch them for a hour or two so that you can do the exercise together to motivate each other?  Or commit 1 hour of kiddie minder time when the other person can focus on doing their exercise?

For my husband the food that I stock the house with for lunches etc are low fat yoghurts, let him run wild on those, a lot of rice in dinners for the GI content and to fill him up, he has kit kat fingers for his chocolate hit, good quality cereal for breakfast to start him off right, crackerbreads or crisp breads with low fat cream cheese for snacking, also tomatos, carrot sticks that I cut up for him to munch on, fresh fruit and kids fruit corner snacks that are only 60 cals per pop but are more interesting and easier to eat than fresh fruit.  Its about being clever and giving him yummy stuff that he likes and doesn't realise but are low fat and make sure his main meals are filling and low GI so they keep him full.

My favourite dinner is doing rice with mushrooms, beans, carrots, sultanas with some beef stock for flavouring - its low fat, low GI and fills you up so you don't snack afterwards.  You can add some prawns or meat if you want to bulk it up.  Also its super cheap to make.

I COMPLETELY understand!!! What I have learned from my experience is that you can't want it for him.  HE has to want it for himself, and if he doesn't no amount of nagging, encouragement, pushing, prodding or begging will motivate him.  I decided several months ago to get myself in better shape through diet and exercise and I have been trying to get my BF to do the same.  He has significantly more weight to lose than I did, and I worry about his health constantly.  But regardless of how hard I have tried to promote healthy habits to him, he just wont stick to anything. I have finally figured out that he will only be motivated by his own desire to help himself.  Only at that point will encouragement be effective.  Now I just do what I need to do for me, and pray that he will see the benefits and decide to follow suit.  The DECISION though, has to be his for him to experience any lasting success.  Good luck, and congrats on your weight loss!