I am so sick of him analyzing everything that I say to the point where I don't want to say anything. I can't have conversations with him unless it is with our marriage counselor. Almost every conversation ends up in a fight. If I have an issue with a coworker and I want to talk about it, he will take the other person's side. Last year a coworker was pursuing me heavily and he did nothing about it. He just kept saying let your boss deal with it. It was not like I wanted him to come to my work and talk to the guy, but he could have offered to do something. Sometimes I think he hates me the way he treats me, yet he tells me that he loves me sooo much. He has never tried to hurt me physically but boy he tries to do a mental job on me. We fight because I won't take his crap. I am not perfect, this I will admit. But he is way over the top.
I just need to vent, I know he had a rough childhood but when do we get past that?
Run, don't walk, to the nearest divorce lawyer. After the divorce, work on your self-esteem and try to discover why you stayed in a relationship with someone who was verbally and mentally abusive.
If you don't have children yet, do not have children with this man.
You will figure it all out. You may never get past this, he may always be this way. No one should stay in a relationship with someone because they hope things will change. You should stay because you like the way things are right now.
In the mean time, vent away. At least it helps to get it all out!
Why does the marriage counselor think that the marriage is salvageable? I know, I know, we pay his bills.
Do you have kids?
I have a daughter from a previous marriage. I gravitate towards men who don't put me first. I'll admit that I come from an abusive childhood also.
Ok, first and foremost, if you really feel that he is mentally abusive and you can't cope with what is going on, then leave. However, I really don't think you should take the advice of people who have read a paragraph on an internet forum over someone who is working with you and your husband in person and knows both sides of the story.
What you say he does doesn't seem all that abusive to me. If someone pursued me, my husband wouldn't intervene either - he knows I can handle those situations by myself. I know when I am mad at him too, I feel like he is attacking me with comments that - in an ordinary situation - wouldn't bother me at all. It gets to be a vicious cycle - you get angry about something, he says something that seems like an attack, you get more angry, and attack back, he gets angry and throws out barbs, and so on and so forth.
How long have you been married?
It sounds like the councilor didn't say what you wanted to hear so you are looki ng for the internet to give you the advice you want. Marriage is hard. A professional counselor is going to have a better grasp of the situation than we are, if you feel like you are making no progress maybe seek out another professional.
As to unwelcome advances from a co worker, that should defiantly be handled by a supervisor not your spouse, that can get into legal territory.
I totally understand needing to vent, I get that way also, sometimes writing things out and letting them sit a few weeks and coming back to them gives me perspective.
Yuck, I am having flashbacks into my last relationship. I can tell you, it probably won't get any better. If anything, it will get worse : \ Its sad, I know. I think that it would be best if you were on your own, so your daughter doesn't have to see this, and you don't have to experience it.
Mental abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. It can make the victim feel like they are out of their mind, and maybe it isn't as bad as it seems. I remember when I started standing up to my ex, the fights got worse (he was physically abusive with me, occasionally, but he was constantly emotionally abusive) because I wouldn't let him walk all over me. He obviously didn't like me asserting myself, and it pissed him off. I remember trying to rationalize with him....it didn't work.
I am really sorry....vent away, if you need! I think the fact that you are trying marriage counseling, and you are reaching out to us 'strangers' kind of shows that you feel desperate enough to try anything to fix this, because it bothers you so much. You are trying, is he? You will figure it out, and it may take time....but just do what is best for you and your daughter.
Hey jopi,
Sorry to hear you are getting a tough time from your hubby. I am not quite sure I followed on the comment about someone pursuing you, I assume you meant for a date or something similar. What I was a bit unsure of was what you expected from your husband? I dont think he should be critical or seem uncaring, but equally, I don't think he should "do" anything, he should listen to your issue, try to help you feel better about it mentally, and offer suggestions and/or discuss what YOU should do about it. It is hard to imagine almost any circumstance where a husband should directly intervene in a work environment.
My wife and I both work in the same industry, so when she complains to me about her work, I feel I can empathise with her more, and mostly just listen, with the occassional suggestion in there.
I know that some people try to always play "devils advocate" by taking the other persons side in an argument as a way to try to see if it might be something you have done wrong. This technique can work well sometimes if there is a feeling that you did in fact do something wrong or over-react in a given situation. It is not a good way to approach every issue though!
It is fine for your husband to say he loves you sooo much, but next time he says that, maybe you can respond with "Yes, I know you love me, but do you respect me?" It seems that if he always takes the other persons side, then he doesn't agree with your issue or complaint.
Another thought... Do you think that if he agrees with you, that there is a problem to be resolved, that you would then expect he does something about it to "fix" the problem? If so, he may to try to neutralize the issue so there is not problem that he needs to fix?
Or, he is just not a nice person!
Sorry if I rambled! Good luck.
Work on yourself esteem now...don't wait.
Most of the time when a woman acts like she is a prize the man will treat her like she is a prize. Demonstarte value and you get treated as being valuable. Act like you don't have value and you will get treated terrible.
Even a decent man that treats his typical girlfriend well will treat a woman that acts like she's worthless as being worthless given enough time to be reprogrammed by her. Men que off of the womans behavior because the woman ALWAYS has the power to accept or reject the man.
Example - I dated an attractive woman that's a lot of fun but is mean spirited some of the time and a self admitted B---H and proud of it. I treat her exactly like she's a B---H and have/will/do call her that in public in front of her friends. She accepts and puts up with it. Actually, she might even be proud of it because in her little world I'm probably improving her status.
The current woman I'm dating I used the B-word call her a B---h, in a joking manner in private. (I'd got in the habit with the other one...she liked it so I thought this one might like it too.) I adore this woman and wouldn't hurt her feelings etc. Her eyes dropped and she said, "Don't call me that in public." I knew she wasn't going to tolerate the b-word even in a joking manner in public and probably resented it in private. The was the very last time I ever said the B-word to her. She acted very high status and didn't get upset or hold a grudge etc. She gets treated with the more respect than any one I've dated in a very long time.
The message I got was the current girl values herself and won't accept being devalued in any manner. She earned my respect so I treat her with respect. True respect is earned it can't be given.
Anway...
Sounds like a lot of resentment that's well on it's way to becoming bitterness is built up on both sides. Usually, there are reasons it builds up on both sides because the faults and issues usually lie with both people.
As for the co-worker thing, you know there are sexual harassement laws. If you didn't complain to your boss about it you can almost be sure your husband probably felt like you wanted the guy after you, otherwise you'd have done something about it. If you did complain to your boss and the company didn't take action, you probably have a very solid lawsuit. I will bet the kitchen sink your hubby lost a ton of respect for you because you didn't stand up for yourself with that coworker. If you didn't think you were worth standing up for that sends your husband a very solid message...you have low value as person/mate or you don't value your relationship with him because you let another man chase you for a good while...and so you husband will treat you accordingly as a low status woman.
What I get out of this is you feel like he isn't interested and doesn't care about you because he didn't jump up and deal with your problem for you. He's probably not interested at this point. That doesn't give him a right to be mean to you etc.
Most of the time when a woman acts like she is a prize the man will treat her like a prize. When she treats herself as having value...the man tends to treat her the same way. If she acts like isn't well she won't get treated all that well.
Good Luck & Best Wishes for working this out the way that suits you the best.
We don't have enough information to really tell whats going on here. For example: "I am so sick of him analyzing everything that I say to the point where I don't want to say anything." Now clearly the OP is unhappy. So maybe when the OP says something that shows she is unhappy, her husband tries to respond and be helpful by analyzing the situation. Maybe that's not what she wants, and she'd just prefer a sympathetic ear and support. That means they have a communication problem, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's a nasty person who is out to get her. Out here on the internets, we can't tell.
Original Post by kelleigh:
Yuck, I am having flashbacks into my last relationship.
Yep, like kelleigh, I just ran through a mental flashback "list" of things my ex boyfriend used to do to wreak mental havoc on me. I've never been with someone who put THAT much energy into trying to make me feel bad about myself and to think about the draw and pull this man had on me because we were seeing each other for 3 years.
He would also analyze everything I said or did but proclaim to not be judgemental after he "broke it all down" for me and "what kind of girl would do that?"
Best of luck, but I would lean in on the expertise of your marriage counselor.
Trainwreck, you summed things up pretty well. I'm sure a lot of women won't like hearing what you said. It goes the same for men too.
Every single human being teaches the people around them how to treat them. A person must respect themselves and command respect in order to be treated with respect.
Original Post by jopi:
I have a daughter from a previous marriage. I gravitate towards men who don't put me first. I'll admit that I come from an abusive childhood also.
A lot of us had horrible childhoods. My mother and stepfather were raging alcoholics. I lived in fear my whole childhood of being killed in my sleep. They were crazy!
I made a vow that I would NEVER live like that again. I took control of my life and I have never been abused by ANYONE in any form since then. Pull yourself up, girl. If I can do it, anyone can.
You already said you know your problem: you end up with men who don't put you first. Well fix it! Growing up with abuse, you tend to take the path of least resistance which means you're a doormat. Doormats attract men like that. Stop being a doormat and you'll stop falling prey to the same cycle.
Also I started firing off my response before I realized trainwreck already said a lot of this. Oh well, it still feels good to get it out sometimes
I will bet the kitchen sink your hubby lost a ton of respect for you because you didn't stand up for yourself with that coworker.
OK, TW, thanks for your honesty but I did stand up for myself with this coworker and brought it to the attention of my supervisor as soon as I was sure of my coworkers intentions.(the very next day) I took care of it according to company policy from the get go. This man and his family were friends of the family as well as him being my coworker. I spoke with the gentleman face to face when I realized where his intentions were going. I kept my husband apprised of the entire situation as itunfolded. My husband's reaction was pretty much void of emotion as a matter of fact he didn't even seem to want to talk about it. Perhaps he was suppressing?
I truly appreciate a male opinion of my situation. Yes, my husband is a very matter of fact type of person. He also called me a bitch one day thinking it was funny. and I put an end to that. I don't act like a princess because I am a very capable woman but I do everything for my family that I am capable of. Perhaps I should stop being so available. The marriage counselor said I was too damn nice.
Sounds like you both need individual and marraige therapy.
Just want to say good luck jopi and I hope you get to a place where you can be happy again. If you want to stay with him, try to remember the good things about him and why you married him in the first place. I think a lot of times, rifts can occur in marriage because your lives become too intertwined. Since clearly jealousy on his part is not a problem, I personally would try to go out and live life with some friends. Make some new friends, reestablish old friendships. I'm sure you'd be surprised at what changes a better social life can make.
Wow, are we married to the same person? My husband does all the same things yours does. About ten years ago, I had a problem with a customer hitting on me in my workplace. I reported him to my boss right away and he was banned from coming in there. What really bothered me was that my male co-workers were more concerned and angry with the guy hitting on me than my husband, who didn't care at all when I told him.
I don't know why your own husband wasn't concerned with why another man was hitting on you, but I have noticed that men usually have a completely different viewpoint when it comes to sexual harassment. If some woman, even if they considered her unattractive, started making sexual advances toward them, they would think it was a compliment. They absolutely don't understand why it doesn't work the other way around. I've heard this from a lot of guys too, not just one or two. For some reason, a lot of men do not take the issue of sexual harrassment seriously at all. Workplaces really need to educate men on this a lot more.
My husband also likes to play 'Devil's Advocate', and I can't stand it. In the past, if I had a problem with someone he would always take their side no matter what. Finally, I ended up not telling him any of my problems because I was so sick of it. We finally went to counseling for a while because of it and I remember the therapist immediately mentioned the word 'abuse'. That really shocked me, because my marriage is about a thousand times better than my parents' relationship and I never even considered their marriage abusive.
Things improved a lot after the counseling, though, even though they're still not perfect. We've both tried to put the therapist's advice into practice. I've tried to be more straightforward with stating what I would like from him, and he has cut back on the 'Devil's Advocate' thing. (The last time I had a problem with someone he was 100 percent on my side, which was a miracle.) We didn't really resolve what happened ten years ago, but guys don't really hit on me anymore so it's mostly a non-issue now.
I don't know if you should stay with him or not, that's totally up to you. I don't think his behavior has anything to do with his childhood, IMO. My husband has had about the most perfect childhood you could imagine with an extremely supportive and affectionate family and he still acts like this. It's probably part of his personality (the critical, analyzing type) and also partly because he's a guy (I've read and noticed that men aren't supportive and nuturing when someone they love has a problem. They want to find out exactly what's going on first and then fix it instead.) What has helped me most is that soon as my husband starts doing those things I don't like, I point them out to him right away and remind him that the bed is going to a cold place if he keeps up with it. I don't like saying this, but it works like a charm. I also let certain minor things that really used to annoy me slide by now. I'll just roll my eyes and say 'whatever' and forget about it.
I really hope you can work out your problems. I understand that it's frustrating, but I don't think it's unresolvable.
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