Help with my 13 year old

    My daughter is 13 years old. She has been dancing for 10 years. She has been on the a dance team for 4 years. She is a little chubby but is a great dancer with a great personaliy. I was told by the teacher that she can not be on the dance team with the other girls because she is chubby. My daughter is 5'5 this has just broke her heart. What can I do to help her feel good about herself. She wants to lose weight so bad but it is hard for her to get  started on a diet. I need some kind of encouragement to get her to feel better about how a wonderful person she is. This has put such a damper on her spirits she has cried all day long. I need some helpful suggestions that will give her confidence and self esteem. Please help. Sign ml13 for the love of my child.

What? This cannot be legal! I would go straight to the principal!! How much does she weigh if you don't mind me asking? (even thought this is besides the point)

Man that just sucks.  There's no way this girl should have to cry about this at 13.  I can't imagine she's in that bad of shape if she's active & a dancer, like that.  She's probably healthy.  I mean yeah, there are children that are so heavy they're in danger, but from what you said it doesn't sound like she's one of them.  This isn't helpful but that dance teacher is now on the list of people I'd currently like to smack. 

I hate to even focus on diet, because I don't think making her think she has to "fix" herself is going to do her justice at this point.  Would hate to start sending the message now that it's her job to make herself into whatever it will take to please other people.  But that aside, is her diet so bad that her activity isn't balancing it out?  And how is her BMI.  Is she in a healthy range?  Is this teacher a little nuts in this regard?

Meanwhile, one of the things that annoy me is it seems to me these sorts of activities & groups should serve the purpose of BUILDING confidence.  Not destroying it and trying to create a whole new generation of eating disorder victims.  :(

 I would suggest focusing on things in a postive way. It's never good to do anything using anger as your incentive. It's apparent your daughter does need to lose some weight. Normally, small grains of truth hurt much more than nonesense. Instead of making it about your daughter you should turn it into a mother daughter team challenge. For instance buy a taebo dvd, maybe a carmen electra strip tease dance workout. Why? Because those are fun and up beat.  We used the carmen electra workout at my sisters slumber party. Cracked us up... Because we all looked like fools together. But, it does cause you to build up a sweat, it's really fun.

Also, you could start taking light jogs together. Or walks. Just walking burns a lot of calories. It's really good for you two also because you can talk, while you're walking.

Start buying less junk. Foods that you actually have to prepare and no soda. Or only deit soda. Diet teas. Lots of flavored waters. Those would be a good addition. Most people eat when they're thirsty. If you have things that are calorie free for her to drink, or low in calories to sip on when she thinks she's hungry, she might realize she was just thirsty. Stuff like that. You can make it into a fun health kick involving yourself. Instead of a hassel YOU need to LOSE weight... =-P Be her workout buddy. Help her make healthy eating choices.

 Good luck. I hope that helped. You can message me if you need some advice or someone to talk with.

I'd get a lawyer and sue them!!!!

i too would like to smack this idiot of a dance teacher. it is obvios that at 13, a young girl is going through so many changes, both physically and mentally, that they do not need any added pressure. it is so stupid that her dance teacher would tell her  that. i have been dancing for awhile now, and i know alot of dancers that arent "skinny".  dancing is not about being thin, it is about expressing who you. believe it or not, you dont have to be skinny to be able to do things. i would imagine after dancing for 10 years she is an excellant dancer, even if she isnt unrealistically thin. i really truly hope she gets her confidence back and continues to grow and learn. plz tell her not to give up on dancing. she has been doing it for so long and if she is good at it, then quiting would be no way to solve this problem. i am sure there are alot of other dance groups that would love to have such an experienced dancer join there team. im sure she has so many beutaful qualities about her, and maybe she just needs to be reminded of them.

as for the diet. maybe buy more healthy food to have in the house, if you dont already do this. you could consider going for walks with her or other activites. this could be some extra exercise and also serve as bonding time. now i am not suggesting this because i think she should become "skinny" so she can be on her dance team. i am only suggesting this because i think she has just suffred a huge blow to her self esteem, and it would be great for her to get her confidence back and maybe this could help. plus, it never hurts to eat healthy and exercise no matter how fit you already are.

P.S.  she deserves way better then to be on a dance team with such a shallow and inconsiderate teacher which is teaching her that in order to suceed you need to be skinny, when that isnt even true

Is this a school team or a private team?
If it is a school team tell the teacher to get over herself and go to the principle for inappropiate behavior and/or comments.
If you are paying for these lessons, find a new club ASAP. 
13 should be a fun age.

enchantingimage,

"It's apparent your daughter does need to lose some weight. "

No, it's not at all apparent that that is the case. Mary Lou Retton was "chubby," too, according to her coach, but did his opinion stop her from being an Olympic champion? NO.

Sometimes dance teachers, coaches, etc. have extremely unreasonable, unheathful demands. That doesn't mean people have to go along with them, but sometimes that does mean having to change teachers, coaches, etc.

And a strip tease video for a 13-year-old? Please tell me you're kidding.

ml13,

Time to find a new dance teacher, methinks. And dieting is not something a 13-year-old should be doing. If your daughter is a little overweight, I'd bet her pediatrician would advise her to eat very healthfully and maintain her current weight; it's likely she will grow into it. But don't take that from me; call her pediatrician to get advice!

Yeah, I have to agree with what's been said.  If this is a public school, you need to go to the Principal.   If it's a private club, then you need to find a new club.

As for making her feel better, that's a tough gig.  She's 13, she's not stupid.  Whatever you do, other than just supporting her, and she'll feel like you're just trying to find someone that 'accepts fat kids'.  Just be careful not to come off that way.

Either way, this is coldhearted.  I hope you guys can find the best solution for this.

And if not, let me know and I'll go toilet paper the coach's house for you.

You know, I was going to comment on the strip tease video thing, because i think kids are being over sexualized early enough these days, but since I'm not a parent I thought, well, maybe I just don't know & can't say.  I hardly think looking at Carmen Electra doing just about anything for an hour is good for her, anyway.  :P

Yeah, Rob makes a good point.  At the same time that you certainly don't want her to think she has to become some ideal thing to be accepted, you wouldn't want it to come off like you have to shop hard for someone to accept her either.  As if she's some special needs case or something.  That won't do her confidence any good.  *sigh*  I still think smacking the teacher would be nice.  

Dance companies are absolutley infamous for this - and there is tons of anorexic dancers out there - I would sit down and research this and show her the facts and talk about the whole media thing about unrealistic expectations - then I would tell her that God made her perfect the way she is - show her the tons of positive role models for young woman such as Katherine Heigl ...then find a dance club/class that is for the sheer joy of it. 

Then I would get into my car drive to where ever that ignorant woman is and smack her one!  There should be a department that you can report her and people like her who are masquarading as youth leaders to! 

i think that you should explane to her that she is only 13 and still needs to grow. the other thing i would do is check out dance schools/teams where you live or enrole her in another from of dance. if she realy is good then there will be meny places that will take her and want her to dance for them. they will realize that she is only 13 and that her body is still forming and they will be much more relaxed about it.

my sister's friend was told that she could not carry on with ballet if she didn't lose weight, 1 year later she is anorexic...
She's 12.

all I can say is "wow". I would look for a different dance school if that is the case. If it is in school, yea that must be against the law and I would take it up with the higher ups.

Shes 13! She is developing, and she will probably grow into her body just fine. If she is eating pizza every day, theres no reason why you cant make alternatives in home low cal. Of course a diet plan if she is interested should be discussed with the family doctor.

I still shake my head at this. I cant imagine.

Unfortunately, this is the way of the dance world. In recreational classes, it doesn't matter really that you may be overweight or a bit chubby, because you are there to have fun.. but once you get into dance teams and competetive classes, it is necessary to lose weight (healthily I might add) and to become more fit. It is not safe for competetive dancers to be even "chubby" because when you start doing lifts and jumps, you could end up hurting yourself. I personally, have never seen an anorexic dancer... if the dancers you are seeing are anorexic.. then they are not losing weight the right way. They should be eating healthy, yes, but they should also be doing things like working out or running. Losing weight and being fit are two very different things. To be a competetive dancer, you do need to be fit. A diet is not what she needs, unless she is overeating.. she should be just exercising more and making sure that she burns more calories than she consumes. It is not necessary, as some of the others say, to switch studios, as it is the same everywhere.

Well, as another 13 year old girl that used to love dancing, I can totally sympathize. My dad used to be in charge of my meals and, well, lets just say the only thing he really knew how to make was fatty microwave dinners. I DONT have a high metabolism and, in the end, I was fit but "chubby" too. Thankfully I also love swimming and can now say that most of my 111 pounds is muscle. As for your daughter there are a few things to consider. Does she have a healthy diet? It sounds as though she is trying to get onto one of those diets that cuts out most of what she likes. I would suggest eating a little less of 'bad' things everyday until she has made a steady progress. Water is ALWAYS good and is a great alternative to sugary drinks. Personally, what worked really well for me was setting an amount to things per week. Like 2 sodas and 2 desserts. If I happened to have less than what I had set for the week then I congratulated myself(dont get me wrong, I have a HUGE sweet tooth). The rest of the week I ate/eat a ton of fruit and veggies with a healthy but (if possible) smaller intake of wheats and dairy(I have been a vegitarian all my life so meat has never been a problem for me). Basically, just so long as she is eating a healthy amount of food then I dont think dieting is a good way to go. Another thing, how much exercise does she get? A few hours a week of dance is good but doing other things can definetly benefit. Everyday after school I used to go on 20 minute runs around the neighborhood with a couple of friends. After awhile we started increasing the time till around 30 minutes-sometimes more, sometimes less. If she doesn't like to run then riding her bike for an hour or more is good too. I'm not sure where you're writing from but where I live (Southern California) swimming and waterpolo are huge. For me they have been a saving grace. Sometimes another sport can really help, even if you're not in it for the long run.

Please tell your daughter that it might be hard, but she'll get through it. Other sports are always open, though I understand that after ten years of dedication it would be incredibly hard to stop now. Other studios are always open too, and I'm sure that if you stick to it there will be one that is just right. Todays requirements are very hard to meet and sometimes the road isn't super smooth.

Best of luck!

Same exact thing happened to my thirteen year old sister, but she did dance for a bit less time... But probably loved it just as much.

She's been streadily losing for about a year or two now!

{{{ml13}}} i'm so sorry this has happened....

well, from a dance teacher's prospective (and former dancer and borderline anorexic), take your daughter and RUN! not walk to the next dance school NOW!  competition is so overrated these days, everybody and every studio wants to be #1 at the expense of these kids.  and yes, the dance world can be harsh, with ballet being one of "thinner" people.  if she loves dancing so much and is not obese, and does not have an obese BMI (take her to the DR), then enroll her in reputable school, that focuses more on technique and recitals rather than comps.  if your daughter wants to dance for fun and excel in it, great, keep her healthy at a better school, however, if she wants to dance as a career (especially ballet), but also jazz, tap or cheer, being fit and looking the part is all "par for the course".  don't let one teacher, or director steer her in the way of diets.  she will begin to hate her life and her body and have low self-esteem.  she will try and try to be something she is not (a skeleton!) and will end up not having any energy to dance anyway........:(

Are you kidding me? She said herself that her child was chubby and needed help 'losing ' the extra weight. She's not on this site which purpose is to lose weight or maintain weight randomly. She's here because she 'knows ' something needs to be done in regard to her child's health. Or she wouldn't be here. As for the workouts. Dam straight. Anything Upbeat is needed. Raise your 13 year old anyway you want. Maybe she can workout along to a jojo's yoga workout on the Disney channel. It doesn't matter.( It's a harmless workout. I'm sure you've seen all the same dance moves before.)  She asked for suggestions. So give one beside 'talk to your family doctor ' der. She knows she can call a doctor. She's here to get advice from different prospective. For a reason.... 

 "And dieting is not something a 13-year-old should be doing. "

 That's why so many American children or overweight adults. Don't worry about the risk of heart disease or diabetes. Or anything else that could hinder your child physically for the rest of her life. No, instead lets get pissed over the dance teacher. Yeah, real smart. I suggested she take into account what goes into their child's mouth, and the activity that follows. Whatever Up beat tempo workout you get your child doing the better. There is a way to keep your children at a healthy state. It's called good nutrition and activity.