Help! Parents about to visit! Need advice...

My parents are vistiing in 3 days for just a few nights (thankfully).  They say mean things in hopes that it will motivate me to lose weight.

Yesterday, for about the 100th time, my Mom called me to ask if my Dr has checked my thyroid :(  I actually did get it checked last year to get her stop asking (no thyroid problems).  But she still asks me all the time.

My dad is much worse, he says in a booming voice in front of a bunch of people "Do you remember, before you got pregnant, when you weren't fat? That was great, wasn't it?  Wouldn't you like to be like that again?"  He's like a bad infomercial.

I'm totally non-confrontational.  I can't just yell at them to stop.  My approach, until now, has been to drop a cute grandchild on their lap and run :)  Which works really well, but I still have to deal with the shame and awful feelings.  I'm starting to get anxious already, and they aren't even here yet. 

I'd love some advice and support.

Hi! Sounds like this is taking its toll on you! Hang in there.

I've had my fair share of grief from weight-related remarks from my mother (who is slightly overweight herself) since I was a teenager. "Your brother, he's tall and thin, but you're more like a little ball!" "As soon as the pregnancy is over, you must start losing weight..." "Because it's your body! You have to have a "body"! Exercise!"

I'm now 33 and must say that my body shape or weight has never changed drastically, except for a brief period when I lost weight in a very noticeable way. Guess what? My mother started saying I was getting too thin... I finally decided to take the high road and rather than point out how many glasses of wine she has had with her pizza, I now try and just let the remarks go in one ear and out the other. It's extremely difficult, though. I suppose everyone ultimately wants to be approved and felt loved by their parents and to hear negative remarks from them - that's tough.

I don't think I can offer any real advice... maybe next time, answer to your father: "No, actually I prefer myself just the way I am!"

All the best!

Thanks for the support :)  I manage to verbally take the high-road but I can't seem to emotionally or psychology do it.  It really hurts.  I wish it didn't. 

That is truly amazing that your mother said you were getting too thin!  I wonder if that's what my parents will say 2-months down the line.  (I'm only on day 10 right now). 

So, when you take the high road, does it still hurt?

I am really sorry to read that your family treats you like this.  While I don't have experience with this type of a situation, I do have a passive-aggressive mother-in-law who likes to make me feel shame and guilt for doing nothing wrong.  The only advice I can give is to not try to let it get to you and realize that the comments are THEIR problem, not yours.  I know it is awful to hear them, especially coming from your parents, who are supposed to love you no matter what.  I am sure they make you feel completely unaccepted and judged.  Just try to remember that when they make such cruel remarks it is a reflection of how unhappy they are with themselves - not you. 

I know this is probably not the most useful advice, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.  I just wanted to say I admire your strength and determination to continue to work toward your goal (I looked through your profile ).  I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to continue to focus on doing this for YOU and continue to take care of yourself. 

You KNOW you can do it!  You've done it before!! Keep your chin up - I'll keep you in my prayers. 

My mother is just like this.  I wound up with an eating disorder, and she nicely waited a couple of years after I had recovered to start in on me again.  Now I act really sensitive and get mean back when she says things.  My main line is "I know I'm fat, I don't need you to tell me.  Do you think I'm blind? or stupid?  Are you embarrassed to be with me? Because I will leave if it makes you feel better."  I usually extend this rant for a little bit and it keeps her quiet for about 6 months.

I'm sorry, that's such a terrible situation. But you don't have to yell to let your parents know how you feel. You could try just saying to them in a calm voice, "that's a mean thing to say," or "Mom/Dad, that really hurts my feelings." As strange as it sounds, they might not realize that they're being totally rude and offensive! 

Original Post by cc31:

The only advice I can give is to not try to let it get to you and realize that the comments are THEIR problem, not yours.  I know it is awful to hear them, especially coming from your parents, who are supposed to love you no matter what.  I am sure they make you feel completely unaccepted and judged.  Just try to remember that when they make such cruel remarks it is a reflection of how unhappy they are with themselves - not you. 

Oh, that does help.  I will try to keep in mind that this is their stuff and not mine.  I have enough of my own baggage to deal with, I don't have to take theirs on too!

Flybee, I think it is really brave of you to stand up for yourself!  I have trouble doing that.  I can thump my chest with the best of them if it is for my kids, but I have trouble doing that for myself.  I wish it turned your mom off perminantely instead of just for 6-months.

Cosmographer, That is really good advice!  I really wish I could say, "That's a mean thing to say."  Maybe I should rehearse with my husband .  Heh.. that's funny.  He's the nicest, most supportive person I've ever known. 

Sounds like the grandchild trick is pretty good to deflect their attention! 

You could also try the Miss Manners "innocent quest for information" tactic.  This means asking why until they wish they weren't born.  The first iteration is to say "Why would you say such a thing to me?"  The trick is to look honestly inquiring, as if you really want to know, not hurt or emotional.  Many people stutter to a silence after just one round, but your parents are probably more hardened (and feel entitled to say whatever stupid thing comes into their mouth, since they changed your diapers).  So, when they come back with something along the lines of "We are just concerned about your health" then you can come back with something along the lines of "Do you think your comments will help me become healthier?".  Continue asking questions like these until they get it out of their system. 

Unhappily, you have to find your own way towards not be hurt/defined by their comments/expectations.  It might help to remember that they probably really do love you and wish you to be healthy and happy.  Sounds like you are on a good track with a loving husband and beautiful children.  Good luck.

Here's another trick to help you stand up for yourself in front of them: your parents are modeling very bad behavior for their grandkids. You don't want your kids to grow up thinking people only love them if they're thin, right? By standing up to your parents now, you're making sure they won't make this sort of comment to your kids in the future. 

Original Post by dkenworthy:

Sounds like the grandchild trick is pretty good to deflect their attention! 

You could also try the Miss Manners "innocent quest for information" tactic.  This means asking why until they wish they weren't born.  The first iteration is to say "Why would you say such a thing to me?"  The trick is to look honestly inquiring, as if you really want to know, not hurt or emotional.  Many people stutter to a silence after just one round, but your parents are probably more hardened (and feel entitled to say whatever stupid thing comes into their mouth, since they changed your diapers).  So, when they come back with something along the lines of "We are just concerned about your health" then you can come back with something along the lines of "Do you think your comments will help me become healthier?".  Continue asking questions like these until they get it out of their system. 

Unhappily, you have to find your own way towards not be hurt/defined by their comments/expectations.  It might help to remember that they probably really do love you and wish you to be healthy and happy.  Sounds like you are on a good track with a loving husband and beautiful children.  Good luck.

Thanks SO much everyone!!  I am not feeling panicky at all anymore.  I feel like I have options, I just have to figure out which ones I can actually do. 

Dkenworthy, I LOVE the Miss Manners trick.  I'm not sassy enough to pull it off unless I really genuinely want to know why.  So I'll have to work on the curiousity part.  Right now I couldn't care less why, I just want them to stop.  But maybe as I lose weight and gain more confidence, the why will start to creep up on me!

Cosmographer :)  That is brilliant!  In the past I have pulled my kids aside and told them that what Granny and Grandpa is saying is mean, but they just don't know that it's mean, and that they should never ever say things like that to people because it hurts a lot (my kids are little, 4 and 6).  The last time I did that my daughter (my 4-year-old) offered to yell NO at them when they hurt me.  Hehe.  I told her I have to learn to do that for myself, but that she can yell NO whenever she feels the urge. 

I really like the twist though.  Turning it on them, and saying that they are modelling behaviour that I do not want my kids to mimic.  I have to sit with this for a while and figure out how I can word this.... 

Thank you SO Much.

I guess I'm a little more 'brassy'....when my mother pointed out that my sister was never overweight, that when she gained a few pounds she went on a diet,  I responded with, "Well then!  I guess I'm NOT my sister, am I?"   Took care of Dad's "You're getting a bit broad in the beam" comment with a wilting look,  he never said it again.

The thing is, you need to stand up for yourself.  You're a grown woman, with children of your own and not under their control anymore.  Please bite the bullet and let them know that you are controlling your life, that you're making an effort to control your weight, and that you'd prefer that they love you unconditionally...and not just because you conform to their wishes.

That being said....  ~hug~  It's easier said than done....and I wish you all the happiness during their visit and afterwards!  (Meaning I hope they don't say a word other than praise for you being a wonderful daughter, wife and mother!)

Thanks Charleet :)  I'm working on it.  But it's a long haul for me.  Harder than losing weight I think (which is saying a lot!). 

The funny thing is, I know I will lose the weight.  I know it will happen, it's just a matter of how long it will take me.  I don't know if I will ever be alright with conflict, or if I will ever be able to say to someone, "That was rude."

One thing at a time... weight first... get a back-bone next :)

Love yourself today, exactly the way you are at day 10.  You are obviously a beautiful person and don't let them make you feel any less worthy of love because of weight.  You are the same person that was "too thin" at one point.  No difference in who you are, just your stage of life.

I just had a conversation with my Mom (the source of my body issues) this evening where I told her, please embrace and maybe giggle at the faults in others and really revel in having fun with them despite it!  The things that annoy you can become a private giggle with a friend or husband.  I try to do exactly that with my Mother. 

Be healthy, and drop those grand-babies like shut-up bombs!

Thanks xtinamaries!  I'll try to giggle at their faults.  I might actually be able to pull that off, my daughter and I giggle together all the time.  I'm lucky to have my little shut-up bombs.  I have no idea how I survived without them.

If you are more comfortible with it, I've found if I take an understanding tone it smoothes things out as I tell someone to knock it off.

As example: 

"Mom/Dad, I am so lucky to have parents that love me and care about my health. I know you only say those hurtful (yes, point out that it's hurtful) things because you want me to see how unhealthy being overweight is. I know I will feel much better when I reach my goal in a few months.

BTW Did I tell you about this plan I'm following? (this shows them you aren't just sitting around doing nothing) Yeah, I'm watching my calories and getting some activity everyday. My Dr. said since my Thyroid is fine this will work well for me and I've already lost X amount of pounds! The biggest thing my Dr wants is for me to not get discouraged (play it off as medical advice) and stay positive because stress just makes women's bodies hang onto extra weight."

Sound upbeat and non-critical throughout .

I do like the advice someone gave as using your kids, too. I mean really, wouldn't they be embarrassed if they took the kids to a resturaunt and the kids told the waitress she was fat? It's just not good manners and if they do it in the home they'll do it in public.

Original Post by almckee97:

I do like the advice someone gave as using your kids, too. I mean really, wouldn't they be embarrassed if they took the kids to a resturaunt and the kids told the waitress she was fat? It's just not good manners and if they do it in the home they'll do it in public.

My parents always made me weight-conscious without realizing it.

I just connected this story to that, because of your post.

I was like 3 or 4 and in line to get into a restaurant, and there was a larger man in front of us.  My parents tell me that I said loudly to them that we should get to go in front of him, since he'd already eaten enough.

I still feel bad about it, even though I was too young to even remember, but looking back I'd feel better blaming it on them lol.

On the other hand, the thing that recently worked best for me to get my parents off of my back was just being BLUNT.  (maybe the restaurant incident WAS just my personality lol)  I play it off as accidental bluntness, like accidentally just saying what was on my mind at the time.

You certainly don't need to be confrontational but for your own sanity you should talk to them, nicely and calmly and just tell them that the approach they are usually is actually more likely to cause you to eat and gain weight because it makes you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.   Tell them what you are doing to lose weight and tell them that if they want to help then the best thing they can do for you is just be supportive by either saying that you look great or not saying anything at all weight related.

Its not confrontational but it should address the problem and make you and them a lot happier.  They think they are doing the right thing and will probably be really good at changing their behaviour if you give them some advice what to say rather than just telling them to stop altogether.

Thanks Lisa! I took your advice!  I think it worked :)

I emailed and told them what I am doing and that I get ashamed about this really easily, and it would be really helpful for me if we just didn't talk about it, but if it meant a lot to them, then could they please be discrete when the spoke to me about it.

My dad emailed back and said he was really proud of me for trying again, and that he'll do his best! 

Thanks again everyone for all your help!  My anxiety level when from 10 to 1.  I couldn't have done this without you :) 

Shana