Help! Suicide is not the answer........

This is going to be a very long and sad post, so you DON'T have to read it, I just need to get this out because it's killing me....

I'll start at the beginning. I grew up a very happy, healthy, child. Full of life and ignorantly care-free!!! Life was utter bliss then. My Dad served in the Marines, and the Coast Guard, my Mom was a devoted mother and wife. I have three other sisters (I am the oldest), so I have a total of six family members.

 When I was around seven years old or so, my dad became a pastor. A real God- fearing man, but he also became abusive to my mother and a little to me and my sisters because of the stresses that came with the job. I grew up in constant fear of my dad. To me the things he did were considered "normal" because I was kept pretty sheltered from the world in general. No TV, mostly home-schooled my entire life, friends were restricted to church family member's kids and I was forbidden to talk of home life, which I abode by or else suffer the consequences of a raging father who would take it out on my mom and my rear end.

 My family did a ton of moving around when i was young. Partially because of military transfers, partially because of new Church appointments. I've been all over up and down the West Coast from AZ to AK and everything between. I never knew what it was like to have a best friend, or a close friend that i could confide in. I was always just there for my younger sisters. Protecting them from "bad stuff". Ironically, when we played together they always wanted to be Disney princesses in distress while I, (even tho I'm a girl) was always Peter Pan and either saved them from whatever evil menace had enslaved them, or died in the attempt. Looking back now on that, and other innocent child's play we did I realize now that we were just re-enacting our real life as we knew it, and what a messed up story that was!

Next month I will 20 years old. I still live with my family, and I go to college full-time. My dad is now retired from the ministry and is a full-blown alcoholic who refuses help and has ignored my pleas to stop because it is destroying my family. He doesn't go to Church with the rest of us and basically only leaves the house to go to work or to the store to get his stupid alcohol. He used to be a clean respectable military-man. Now he is a sloth. My Mom, (God bless her!)has faithfully stuck with it this whole time. Though abuse and affairs, taunting about her weight, (unfortunately she does have a thyroid problem and has a hard time dealing with body acceptance) She is truly a Heroine, but has now fallen into a deep state of depression. She buries herself in her work and eases discomfort with food.

My sisters and I have not turned out so normal either. I went through a phase of anorexia followed by my now present stage of restricting/binging/purging. This is what is killing me physically. Emotionally my killers are an overload of stress issues. Things like worrying about EVERYTHING!!! From food love/hate issues to college and bad grades to lack of motivation to exercise to avoiding everyone. I hate what has become of my life. It's like flushing the toilet after purging a jar of PB. It all goes down the pipes forever........

I used to have a perfect 4.0, straight A's, awesome motivation, you name it and I could probably do it, play it, preform it, anything. I graduated HS in the top 1% of the state of Alaska, with the Presidents award, John Phillip Sousa music award, and countless other academic awards.

Now, It seems that in the "real world" I am a failure at everything............. I don't even want to finish this post right now because I'm crying so hard!!

Go ahead and rail me for my complaining I deserve it.

I just really had to get this out because I really do have no one to talk to and I tried to commit suicide this morning, but realized that would be stupid. My sisters NEED me right now at this point in thier lives. I'm the one they turn to for everything, not my parents.

First -- you do deserve to complain -- you have every right. Second -- thank you for realizing that suicide is NOT the answer. Third -- Al-Anon is an organization designed to deal with family members of alcoholics and the hell they go through.  

I am PMing you with some telephone numbers, websites that you can contact for more help.   PLease contact someone in your area -- anyone.

 

we can give you some tips and encouragement, but the bottom line is that we aren't there with you.  I strongly suggest going to someone like a guidance counselor at school, someone at your church that you trust, or al-anon.

good luck! 

*Hugs PeterPan3* You're not complaining, you're venting.
And you have every right to vent with all those stresses!
Everyone needs to vent sometimes otherwise we would explode!

I don't have much advice as i haven't had these kind of family issues, but i have had depression and mild eating disorders.
Try and talk to someone in your life who can help you, as all of us can't really help you face to face.
I don't even live in America let alone your state!
Seeking professional help could benefit also :)

Don't give up!
*more hugs*

I hope you will listen to coach_k. She said it better than I could. You've had it rough and your reaction is probably more normal than you know. You need more help than anyone here can give you. But there is help out there.

Thank you all for your thoughts and hugs and advice, I'm checking out some of the Al-Annon sites right now.

You are in my prayers.

((( hug )))

=^..^= MOLLY

Peterpan, you are such a beautiful young woman. I am glad you reached out to us and please know we are here for you! And I will give you more hugs, well just because I can {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Ok, I don't mean to be pesky, but, how does one find "local help"? I didn't even know about a suicide prevention hot-line until Coach-K PMed me! That's how sheltered I've been! I don't have a single friend to confide in and I don't know anyone my age at church. I would go to the doctor or something, but because of college and no job I am still under my dad's insurance, and he would NEVER allow me to do that unless I payed for it, which I can't do.

Until taking a sociology class in college this year, I have realized just how much I have been socially deprived. And now I am suffering the consequences of decisions I didn't make.

Thank you all so much for your support!

If you contact those numbers, they should be able to help you find someone local.  If you are in college you should also be able to go to the health center -- if they can't help, they will definitely know where to direct you.

You can't do anything about the decisions not made -- don't dwell on them.  We all make mistakes 

Peterpan, it is not normal to have suicidal thoughts. The most basic human instinct is to survive!

I'm telling this not to make you feel worse - but to help you realize that something is seriously amiss with your brain chemistry. You need to call that hotline now, make an appointment to see a shrink or your family doctor - reach out, get some help NOW.

Meanwhile recognize that there's something wrong with your brain chemistry, if you can see through that, you can hold out until it gets fixed.

I have been there myself too... when I realized it's just  not normal to have such thoughts, it helped me hold on long enough until the meds started working. So I hope my words help you hold on too.

I'm impressed that you've managed so well for so long.  It's definitely time to get some help.  Please do call the help line.  Additionally, your college might have some counselors that you can talk to as part of the student services, I know that my local 2 year college does and I suspect that most of the 4 year colleges do as well.  Another place to go for support is your church or even another church.

Venting is normal.  We all do it, the poor man's counselor is usually his friends and it sounds like you've had a significant lack of those.  I would suggest that you be cautious while checking out friends as some people are really nice initially and can turn out to be not so nice when you get to know them, but that's part of the experience of learning about people.

You have a serious condition which is grounds in most academic settings to apply for incompletes so that you can finish your course work at a later time.  Talk to a school counselor about what your options are if you aren't doing well in your classes.

Here's an update:

I called the helpline (among others) and was able to explain just what my dad did to me physically and emotionally and from there they gave me info or a "starting block" to jump-start things my means of getting my dad help, and me some help.

My college is very small, and i don't think they have any counselors but tomorrow I plan to look into what smwhipple wrote and see if I can get some sort of extension for at least one or two of the classes I have had to let slip......

You have no idea how much I appreciate the support you guys have given to me!

(Smiling!)

Glad to hear it -- keep us posted if you can.

Hi precious peterpan3,

 I also am struggling with anorexia and have twice tried to commit suicide, i am also a christain and that is what has kept me from carring it out. I am so glad that you realized that your sisters need you. I am going to think of you and pray for you. God loves you! *hug* You're so special and God will use you and all that has happened to you for a reason. Take care! God bless you!

I'm so glad that you've started to reach out and have gotten a real response.  Please do keep us posted if you have the time and the inclination as we do all care.

Regarding incompletes, the way it works at my local 2 year, you don't have to take incompletes in all of your courses, just the ones that you're behind in.  Your grade is essentially frozen at the point that you and your instructor agree upon.  This does not alleviate prior missed assignments or poor test performances although you can request the option for extra credit which the instructor may or may not grant depending on their inclination and the college's policies.  You typically agree to complete all pending work by a certain time, usually before the start of the next term or shortly into it so that you don't have a double load the next term.  Your grade is then based on what you've done previously and the completed work from the agreement. An incomplete can be for a longer period of time if the situation warrants it.

Another option, depending on how your semester or quarter system works would be to withdraw from some of your courses without a grade and retake them another time.  There are typically certain deadlines which are rarely negotiable.

{{HUGS}}} Peterpan

Im so glad you decided to share your story with us.  You are so accomplished its amazing and through such horrible circumstances youve shown such strength and achievement.  Youve suffered such hardships and I am so glad you are taking steps toward healing.  I realize by feeling your failing you are not recognizing what a success story you are and undoubtedly an inspiration to any younger girls also experiencing what you have.  It really is time to take care of you and dont give up if the tools to do so are at all challenging.  You will heal and you deserve to.  Know that you will look back on this, coming out stronger. Im sorry it is so difficult and with your experience but know that the help is there and if you dont find it right off, persist because it is there waiting for you.  When it seems darkest and you feel overwhelmed, please remind your self it will pass.  Sounds like you are already on the right path, one you whole heartedly deserve.  (((MORE HUGS)))

Peterpan3 I am sorry for the pain and suffering you have had to endure. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can either go to ALANON (I think that is the spelling), or you can ask a counselor at school to refer you to a MSW/CSW, or pyschologist the later is expensive!!! There are a lot of things that you need to work thru. . .and don't ever apologize for your feelings, they are legit!!!! They are real!!!! You are entitled to them.  Also you can look in the telephone directory and call the Mental Health Department in your town. They will refer you to a counselor. You just need to talk it out!!! You are not alone, there are many people who have a story similar to your's. . .whoops have to run work is calling!!! Good Luck on finding a counselor to speak with - you do have options.  

(((PeterPan3)))

I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you how proud I am of you for taking these steps to get help. Five years ago, my first husband committed suicide. Now my kids will never know their dad, and he is missing out on watching them grow up.

Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem. If you feel suicidal, tell someone. If you have a plan, make a commitment that you will tell someone, and wait 24 hours. When you feel that low, remind yourself, "It will not always feel like this"

I suffered abuse and neglect as a child and a young girl. But with a great 12-step program, counseling, and spiritual help, I have overcome it. Today, I am emotionally healthy. You will be too, cause you are taking that first step to ask for help. You have a lot of living ahead of you. Be proud of yourself. You are doing great!

Trish

PeterPan-

I'm not going to say that I understand how you feel, but I have my own demons that I've had to deal with in my life (and in fact still dealing with them).  The first and most important thing that I can tell you at this point is that YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.  I know you want your dad to get better and how he is affects you, but you need to worry about your own mental/physical health before you can worry about anyone else.  That was the first lesson my counselor told me-- i didn't want to listen cause I always take care of everyone else, but it was very good advice.  I don't want to go into more than that here because what I have been through is very personal and very scary, but I would be more than willing to answer any questions you may have in private- I want to help if you want it.  I'm not a counselor or anything like that, I just have knowledge and a counselor that has helped me so maybe i can pass some of that on to you.  Please just send me a message if you would like- you'll be in my thoughts.

Peter Pan! Fly fly away and grow up....then you get to make life the way you want it to be!   HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!   One of the hardest parts about being a child is not getting a choice about how we're raised.  Unfortunately there is some seriously mis-guided parenting out there.  Now you're an adult.  Education is the key to finding your inner peace and balance.  Go to "Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse Website" and you will find a WEALTH of information regarding controlling behavior, abusive behavior and all other fabulous things which helps clear up  the confusion of what is normal behavior.  It really opened my eyes to so much.  Asking for help is SO great, then you realise how many people do care, how many people have gone through bad time, some of them HORRIFIC and are still out there kicking butt in life.  I wish you all the best, you deserve it!  Stay strong!