help and support please... i think i'm developing an ED

so i want to start off by saying i feel very awkward about sharing info over the internet or really expressing my feelings to strangers, but here goes...

i think i have a problem. i've been losing weight intentionally and i'm only 15. jsut a couple of months ago i was around 115-118 lbs at 5'4" which i know is a healthy weight...i know a lot about health and nutrtion, but despite all that i decided to lose weight. I've dropped around 11-12 lbs so far and am at 104 lbs atm. i keep telling myself that this isnt healthy and i need to snap out of it, but something in me keeps making me want to lose more.

i've been under a lot of stress lately. i go to a high school where students have to apply and its harder to get into than college. my family has been going through loads of medical issues. my beloved dog was just put down. i almost feel like what i eat is all im in control of.

the worst part is i have a friend with anorexia and she is severely ill and emaciated. shes withdrawn, doesn't laugh, and is so sickly looking. i don't want to become like her. i know this maybe hard to understand, it is even for me. i don't know wth i'm doing, honestly. i've been limiting myself to 1,200, but i never even make it that high. i usually hit 800 or 900 calories a day.

i think my lowest point was when my parents had asked what i had packed in my lunch and i said i had packed a pb sandwich and crackers and an apple, but all i had really packed was an apple.

i think the only reason i haven't told my family i think i have a problem is b/c i don't want to be a burden. they're already going through so much already. i feel really alone in this. don't get me wrong i have lots of friends, but i dont think they would understand if i told any of them what i'm going through. i jsut don't know what to do....

(and sorry for making the posrt so long, but it felt good saying all of this stuff finally)

Piggy - I can promise you, as the mother of 2 young women, that you and your well-being is the most important thing to your parents. It is their job to take care of you - it is not your job to take care of them. Clearly, if they asked you about your lunch, they are suspecting what is going on. 

I am impressed with your self-awareness and grateful that you came to this community for help. You know that you need it. And I think that you know what you need to do - you need to talk to your parents, and soon. Maybe talking to both at the same time is too much for you right now. Why don't you pick the parent that you are most comfortable with and have a heart-to-heart with him or her. Let your parents help you. You deserve it. Good luck and God bless.

TRC

hey there,

I can totally relate to everything that you're saying.  I'm 19 years old now, 5'3 and about 120 lbs, but back when i was between 15-17 years old, I went through something really similar to what you're describing.  Even then, I was only about 115 lbs, which was totally healthy, but I wanted to be smaller.  I, like you, was under a lot of stress with schoolwork and friends, and I felt like everything would be easier if only I was a little bit skinnier (strange logic, I know.)  I'm not sure if that is exactly what has been going through your mind, but I do understand your thinking of eating as being the only thing you can control.  First off, you're already on the right path if you recognize that what you've been doing is unhealthy, and the fact that you want to "snap out of it" is really really good.  You're smart, so use that to your advantage.  Think about your other goals- getting good grades, getting into a good college, making the volleyball team, etc - and realize that if you keep on depriving your body and mind of the nutrients they need, you'll only be hurting yourself in the long run.  If you aren't eating right, you will never be able to perform to the best of your abilities - you won't be able to concentrate on schoolwork, you won't be able to run, etc...- and not being able to do these things will keep you from your real goals in life.  Even now in college, I face this all the time.  There is still a part of me that wants to just stop eating sometimes, but then I think about all of the exams that i have coming up, and I think about how if I don't eat, I won't be able to focus on my studying, and I'll fail my exams, and I won't get into medical school (which is my real dream), so really, restricting calories to that extreme simply isn't worth it.

I'm sorry this became a really long-winded response, but I really believe that you can beat this thing, and it doesn't have to become a full-fledged ED.  There are so many other things you can accomplish in your life, and depriving yourself will only keep you from your true potential.  So stay strong! I believe in you!!!! =P

Wow. This seriously sounds like the story of my life. Last year, I went from 130 lb to 113 in about 3 months (I'm 5'7"). I remember one specific moment when I was standing on the scale and I said to myself: "Okay, 110, but no lower..."

I went down to 110. Then 108. Then 105. Then 100.

I didn't talk to my parents and that was a MISTAKE. As a consequence, I have had to recover from this alone. I never told anyone, so it has made my recovery much, much harder. Please don't be afraid to 'burden' them. You developing an ED would be even more of a burden. Trust me.

Good luck. Love yourself. :)

piggy- I am curious why you chose this name. I am asking because I suffer from an eating disorder, too. However, mine is the exact opposite of yours. I am an emotional eater and can easily pack in 5000 or more calories a day. I have just come out of a self loathing state. I think of myself as being fat and gross and that makes me feel worse so I eat more. I often refer to myself as a pig. Through my eating choices I am being just as hard on my body and health as you are.

I think mjustine, ponnee, and therealcarolina are right on with their advice. Talk to your parents and focus on eating to help you be well enough to continue on the path to your goals. Obviously, if you made it into this school you are fabulous. I will pray you and I will find another way to manage our stress rather than eating too little or too much. Take care, and let us know how you are doing.