Help- Weight is an issue in my marriage...

I came to this website on a day when I felt really tired, exhausted even, and sick of worrying about calories. I have since adopted the healthy habit of eating breakfast every day. I also started taking birth control (Nuva Ring) for my amenorrhea and it has done wonders for my fatigue and feeling sore. I feel good. I'm happy at this weight. I go running or use the elliptical, and I'm pumped, filled with energy to take care of my kids (very young) and bounce around the town doing errands or housework. I also like my body for the first time in a really long time (I was very swollen with my second pregnancy, became VERY stretched out!).

The problem is, my husband wants me to be 135 pounds. It's not an unhealthy weight, its just a weight at which I would be less comfortable (I am 5'8"). I love my husband with all of my heart. He's the best thing in the world. I know he'd love me at 235, 335, or 35 pounds. Now, I know I need to relax about food. I usually fear that if I have an overboard day it will return me to days when I used to binge (teenager, early 20's - I'm 26). I eat enough, but not enough to gain weight. I also don't really like fried foods or things like that. I eat a lot of protein, good carbs, fruits, I love a good salad, and I get enough fat. It's just not enough to gain weight. My husband really wants me to put on 15-20 pounds, and I don't want to, and its really the only thing in our marriage that ever causes us to bicker.

What do I do? Do I gain weight just to make him happy, making me UNHAPPY? Do I forget his feelings and just think "hey, I'm happy"? I am very high strung and am always moving around, doing something, and I think that probably contributes to a high metabolism - that, and I'm a runner. But I'm not hungry. On those days when I feel so empty I could burst - we all have those, hormones or fatigure or whatever - I eat a lot.

I hate the thought of disappointing him. He tells me I look sick, but I don't think I do. I  just think I look skinny. I am not trying to lose weight. I wouldn't throw a fit if I gained 5 or 6 pounds. I have such a history of bulimia from my teen years and am so happy to be rid of the binge eating and purging cycle that I really fear the whole thing. I eat. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Not cheeseburgers, boca burgers; not bologna, turkey; but that's all a matter of preference. I eat a lot of cake, too! I just... the whole thing really tears me up. Any input?

Check with your doctor and ask him what a healthy weight would be for you.  Would your husband respect whatever the doctor says?  Does he understand how you feel?  Communication is so important.

Have you told your husband the same things you wrote in this post?  If not, I'd suggest you do that.

Unless you tell him how you feel about it, you're doing yourself, him and your marriage a disservice.

Ultimately, it's your decision.

We talk about it, but I think he assumes that I'm very disordered and not telling him,or he's just fearful. He swears he's attracted to me still, and we are very romantic. I don't know, I guess I wanted some outside opinions. I don't want to let him down. I just don't want to be tempted to go back to "that life" of bingeing.

If you are 5'8" and weigh 115lbs (assuming that from your post) your BMI is 17.5 and that is underweight, your husband is probably worried more about your health than your look, you should really check with a doctor its sounds to me like you do need to gain weight.

good luck

You are underweight so I'm not surprised your husband wants you to put on weight. He just wants you to be healthy; perhaps you're in denial about the effects a low weight can have.

Remaining at this weight you're increasing your chances of infertility, arthritis, osteoporosis and other medical conditions. Going on birth control does not mean you have cured your amenorrhea - birth control just gives you a withdrawal bleed, not a real period. Amenhorrea is a sign that something is wrong.

You are underweight so I'm not surprised your husband wants you to put on weight. He just wants you to be healthy; perhaps you're in denial about the effects a low weight can have.

Remaining at this weight you're increasing your chances of infertility, arthritis, osteoporosis and other medical conditions. Going on birth control does not mean you have cured your amenorrhea - birth control just gives you a withdrawal bleed, not a real period. Amenhorrea is a sign that something is wrong.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

You are underweight so I'm not surprised your husband wants you to put on weight. He just wants you to be healthy...

it's also quite possible that he doesn't like hip bones poking him in the genitals.

I agree with the first post - check with a doctor, see what the doc says.  The doctor would be able to tell you a more definitive answer than anyone here, and give you a plan to work off of.

I agree with the other posters. putting on some weight will make your body and your husband happy. dont forget that some men like curvy women. 

No offense, but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety problems on top of all this. Always needing to move, unable to relax. I think counseling might beneficial for you - not necessarily about weight or food, but about your need to be on the go. What are you avoiding?

My mom is very much like your description. She had eating disorders at a teen and in her early 20's (I was born when she was 18) and she had a mortal fear of sitting still. She got up at 5 am each day to begin her exercise cycle, and was intensely focused on healthy eating and dragging us on bike rides and long hikes. She had a complete breakdown by the time I was 16. It was horrible for everyone involved - herself, my father (now her ex), and us, the children.

Anyway, your husband asking you to relax and gain a few pounds might seem like an unreasonable request, but this problem could be the beginning of somthing much larger. Think of what's best for you and your family. I hope you feel better soon.

I think you should feel healthy--135 seems to be an arbitrary number because you can be at the low end of your BMI range and still be considered healthy (122lbs=18.5).

For you to remain physically and mentally healthy, you have to do what works for you. I would discuss this more with your husband and see if you can come to a compromise. Just approach this in a logical and methodical manner and you will find a healthy solution to your situation that doesn't require you being unhappy.

Best wishes.

Original Post by dkiesser:

I think you should feel healthy--135 seems to be an arbitrary number because you can be at the low end of your BMI range and still be considered healthy (122lbs=18.5).

For you to remain physically and mentally healthy, you have to do what works for you. I would discuss this more with your husband and see if you can come to a compromise. Just approach this in a logical and methodical manner and you will find a healthy solution to your situation that doesn't require you being unhappy.

Best wishes.

It's not about finding a compromise - you can't decide on a natural weight and that's that. You have to find it by gaining weight and then letting your weight stabilise. 18.5 is healthy for a very tiny proportion of the population. It's likely your healthy BMI would be higher.

To the OP - refusing to maintain a healthy BMI is one of the defining diagnostic criteria of anorexia. It's not your marriage or your husband that has the problem; it's you.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by dkiesser:

I think you should feel healthy--135 seems to be an arbitrary number because you can be at the low end of your BMI range and still be considered healthy (122lbs=18.5).

For you to remain physically and mentally healthy, you have to do what works for you. I would discuss this more with your husband and see if you can come to a compromise. Just approach this in a logical and methodical manner and you will find a healthy solution to your situation that doesn't require you being unhappy.

Best wishes.

It's not about finding a compromise - you can't decide on a natural weight and that's that. You have to find it by gaining weight and then letting your weight stabilise. 18.5 is healthy for a very tiny proportion of the population. It's likely your healthy BMI would be higher.

To the OP - refusing to maintain a healthy BMI is one of the defining diagnostic criteria of anorexia. It's not your marriage or your husband that has the problem; it's you.

 When you are married it is all about compromise. It consist of talking to one's partner and coming to an agreement that works for both of them. This is what is done when there is disagreement (and you want to remain married).

The OP did not give a definitive weight, she only stated that she did not want to be 135 which was 15-20 more than her weight now. She does not mind gaining a few pounds (5-6), so she is not refusing to be a healthy weight. So theoretically, the 5-6lbs could put her in a more "normal" range. However, according to her profile, she is a distance runner so she will tend to be on the lower end of the BMI spectrum. It also has to be taken into consideration that the BMI was created in the 1800's and is only a "guideline" and not a definitive measure of one's health.

As for gaining weight and letting stabilize--this can be done at any weight. Therefore, it doesn't mean that the settled weight is natural or healthy.

Lastly to the OP-- Don't let others sway you into doing something that makes you miserable; it is your body and you have to live in it. However, you need to make sure that what you do with your body is responsible. Be conscious of your efforts and continue down a path of healthy living. Consult with your doctor, husband and therapist, if necessary, and then make logical and insightful decisions that lead to a better you.

Best of health.

My parents are in the same situation and i hear about it all time. My dad tells me he would love it if she filled out a little, and hes told her that too. But its not his body. Its not his ultimate say whether or not she gains weight. She doesn't let it bother her and I dont think you should let it bother you. If you make yourself unhappy to make him happy then whats the point?

I never said my husband or marriage was the problem. I know he means well and wants what's best for me. 

I definitely have anxiety issues and don't want to wind up like my grandma! You know, that nervous, non-stop moving type of lady. Right now I just have a lot of energy.

As for the amenorrhea, that happened after my first child. I never got my period back, even at a "normal" "Healthy" weight. The doctors couldn't tell me what is wrong with me, they just said I needed birth control. The doctor also said I was healthy, that I didn't need to gain a lot of weight, but it wouldn't hurt to put on a few pounds if I was feeling poorly. That's just it, I'm not feeling poorly! I'm eating 1,800-2,000 calories a day and I eat to appetite.

Original Post by bsh0611:

 I'm eating 1,800-2,000 calories a day and I eat to appetite.

You are 5'8" running about 35 miles a week, that is not enough. 1800cals is what I eat for weight loss with the amount of exercise you do. And again, a BMI of 17.5 is not healthy and  being a runner does not make it normal, I think that the most important thing should be your health, and as a runner I know that the last thing you want is not to be able to run anymore.

snap.

You are undereating. Fact.

And you should go off the pill and try to get your period back again; see a specialist. A pill is a fake period, youre still at a higher risk of cancer/fertility/bone problems w/o a period. Bump up your cals; especially fats, even by 100 a week. you should swallow your denial/vanity/ego and listen to your husband, he's dead on.

Original Post by dkiesser:

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by dkiesser:

I think you should feel healthy--135 seems to be an arbitrary number because you can be at the low end of your BMI range and still be considered healthy (122lbs=18.5).

For you to remain physically and mentally healthy, you have to do what works for you. I would discuss this more with your husband and see if you can come to a compromise. Just approach this in a logical and methodical manner and you will find a healthy solution to your situation that doesn't require you being unhappy.

Best wishes.

It's not about finding a compromise - you can't decide on a natural weight and that's that. You have to find it by gaining weight and then letting your weight stabilise. 18.5 is healthy for a very tiny proportion of the population. It's likely your healthy BMI would be higher.

To the OP - refusing to maintain a healthy BMI is one of the defining diagnostic criteria of anorexia. It's not your marriage or your husband that has the problem; it's you.

 When you are married it is all about compromise. It consist of talking to one's partner and coming to an agreement that works for both of them. This is what is done when there is disagreement (and you want to remain married).

The OP did not give a definitive weight, she only stated that she did not want to be 135 which was 15-20 more than her weight now. She does not mind gaining a few pounds (5-6), so she is not refusing to be a healthy weight. So theoretically, the 5-6lbs could put her in a more "normal" range. However, according to her profile, she is a distance runner so she will tend to be on the lower end of the BMI spectrum. It also has to be taken into consideration that the BMI was created in the 1800's and is only a "guideline" and not a definitive measure of one's health.

As for gaining weight and letting stabilize--this can be done at any weight. Therefore, it doesn't mean that the settled weight is natural or healthy.

Lastly to the OP-- Don't let others sway you into doing something that makes you miserable; it is your body and you have to live in it. However, you need to make sure that what you do with your body is responsible. Be conscious of your efforts and continue down a path of healthy living. Consult with your doctor, husband and therapist, if necessary, and then make logical and insightful decisions that lead to a better you.

Best of health.

If she doesn't mind gaining 6 lbs, I don't see why she isn't when she claims it's an issue in her marriage.

I meant you cannot agree on a compromise over weight specifically, because it is something that should not be arbitrarily agreed upon. I mean, I could "decide" to weigh 120lbs but that wouldn't make it my natural weight. Nor do I think someone who has amenhorrea and who runs 35 miles per week but only eat 1800-2000 cal per day is likely to be at their natural weight.

I also don't see how encouraging someone to remain at a dangerously low BMI, where she is putting herself at considerable medical risk, is being any help at all.

I really didn't write this hoping for attention and now that I re-read it I know that's probably how it seems. I had a heart to heart with my husband yesterday and it prompted this. My fear of gaining weight is, I suppose, really a fear of having to have the responsibility of moderation and health and not being able to fall back on old extremes - extreme restricting or extreme bingeing.

I don't want to be unhealthy and I'll talk to him about this. I just am so comfortable eating to this amount that I worry about eating more and all it will trigger. But everyone is right, I'll talk to him - I'll have a heart to heart with him in detail about this this afternoon.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate your help.

you are right about that - I'd hate not to be able to run!