Hey I'm new and I need some insight

Sorry for some of the weird info that most of you probably already know, but because this is so long and I have a few boards I'm posting this to, I'm copying and pasting.

I am having a meeting with Johnathan's teacher and the rest of the team on Monday. I'm trying to put into perspective exactly what needs to be said in order to get him the help that he needs. I feel like I need some help weeding out trivial things because I am just so frustrated. Quick backstory: My oldest son Johnathan (age 7 1/2) has Asperger's Syndrome, which if you aren't familiar with it, it's a high functioning form of Autism. He was diagnosed at developmentally delayed at 3 1/2 and began early intervention preschool where he thrived and overcame many leaps and bounds. He was finally diagnosed with Autism (Asperger's) at age 5. Kindergarten was an all day alternative program, which he also thrived in. I loved both of his teachers and all of his aids and therapists in both the preschool and kindergarten programs. He never took the bus during these years. It was available to us the first year of preschool, but I wasn't comfortable with it. Then the next year, we moved two months into the school year to the other side of the school district. I received special permission to keep him in the class he was in, but I would definitely have to drive him since it was out of the bus route. It was an hour round trip and I did that four days a week, twice a day. Then in kindergarten we moved three months into the school year, and I did the same thing. I got special permission to keep him in the class he was in, but I would have to drive him in myself. That was also an hour round trip, only five days a week, twice a day. I was rarely ever late. The only times I was ever late, was due to traffic, or car trouble. In 1st Grade he started out in a Communications Unit that was terrible. He was only there for a couple of weeks before he was moved to the Behavioral Unit at our neighborhood school. I was told that the reason we weren't offered the Behavioral Unit the year before was because he wasn't having behavioral issues at school. This kind of got to me since I feel that I'm his mother and I'm the one that knows him better than all these teachers, and I am the one that would know if he needed some behavioral helps or not. I feel that any time you have a child that has a disability that is prone to behavioral issues, something like that should be available whether it's seen at school or not. It was a rough year. He was doing better than he had been in the CDU, but it was still rough. The best time for him last year was between Halloween and Christmas. He came home with great home notes every day. This is also when his teacher was out to have her baby, and he had a substitute, which happened to be a friend of ours from church. He loves her and he did very well in the class while she was there. He was doing so well, that I was ready to tell the teacher that he needed to start going into general ed for an hour every day. Then she returned after the Christmas holidays and all heck broke loose. He began coming home with bad home notes on a frequent basis, so the general ed thing never happened. The kids earn a percentage every day in school that gives an idea of how on task they have been. I was told that he had to have an average of 80% over the course of two weeks before they would let him into generals. It got better toward spring but then worsened again toward summer. I still felt that he should have been put in generals but could never get her to do it. The summer seemed like one long screaming match between me, Johnny and dh. He became rude and obnoxious. He would burp at the table on purpose, and then laugh in your face when you told him to stop. Getting him to go to time out was a total body workout that resulted in at least a few bruises for the person trying to get him to go to time out, which was in his room where he could kick and scream all he wanted without hurting someone. Then once you got him in there he wouldn't stay and it was another fight. It was a fight to get him to do ANY chore, and it would result in pretty much the same behavior, as well as whining about that he can't do it and there is too much (there wasn't). And it's still like this. I hate dinner time in my house now, and I've almost totally stopped trying to get him to do anything because I hate the fights that it causes. Now this year, Johnathan decided that he would rather walk to school or have me drive him than take the bus. Fine with me because we live really close to the school, and I had issues with the whole bus thing last year anyway. I received flack from the first day of school about not sending him on the bus. Total attitude from the aids that help the kids get on and off the bus. I would ask what time I should be there to make sure I was there in time to get him since they get out of school earlier than the rest of the school, and they would nastily tell me that they didn't know and then gave me an estimate. I was also told that the policy had been changed and now if I wasn't there when the bus got there that he would be sent home on the bus. I can understand this to a point, because I'm sure they have had problems with parents treating them as babysitters. But not only have I never done that, but I also live less than 5 minutes from the school. And there are at least three or four people who work at the school who know who I am, and know where I live, and know how to reach me. Not to mention that if there ever is a problem, I have several friends whose children also go to that school and could pick him up for me if needed. One day I pulled into the school parking lot 10 minutes before the time I had been told to be there and the bus was sitting there. One minute later it, and my son, would have been gone. I was annoyed, and I told them so. The first day of school, before we had been told about this policy, it was an early out day, and I wasn't aware. I was called by the school counselor to come and get him. No big, and I apologized and told them I didn't know that it was an early day (on a day of the week that wouldn't normally be one), and I had never received any notice about it. Then about a month or so later, I completely forgot that it was early out day, and was called just as I was leaving to get Ethan from preschool, by one of the aides that helps the kids get on the bus. This was no big deal since Ethan's preschool is right across the street from Johnny's school. But the aid was very nasty on the phone and told me she had been waiting for 20 minutes. I apologized and told her I had forgotten what day it was and that I would be right there. When I got there, I apologized again, and she just rolled her eyes and scummed me off. Then a few days later, I was walking back from dropping Johnny off at school with a good friend of mine and was venting about some of my frustrations about school. I hadn't said a word to her about what had happened with the early out, when she told me that that day, she walked by on her way to pick her own kids up from school, and saw Johnny and the aid sitting there and said "Hi, Johnny. You waiting for your mom?" And then the next day after school, this same aide came up to her and started telling her about how she waited for me for 40 minutes (she didn't she waited for me for no more than 25 minutes), and telling her other things about me behind my back. This is one of my closest friends, not that it matters, she shouldn't have been talking about me to ANYONE! I called the special ed coordinator and told her what this woman had done, and she talked the principle. The principle supposedly talked to the aide about it, but I never heard anything afterwards. And it's not so much that I even care about getting an apology. I just want to know that this woman knows that I will not put up with that kind of crap and that if she likes her job, she'd better not do it again. Around this time I was also frustrated that Johnny's teacher really doesn't seem very personable. I loved his preschool and kindy teachers, but I can't say I like her much. And I don't expect to love every teacher he ever has, but I would at least like to feel like we are a team. She seemed to take everything personally and get an attitude with me every time I would come get Johnny and he had a bad day. I'm sure her job is tough, but behavioral issues are sort of part of the job description of teaching a behavioral unit class. You better learn to get over it and realize it's nothing personal. And I know I wasn't the only mom who felt this way. There was one other mom who picked her son up from the same class who felt the same way I did. I also told the special ed coordinator about this. I've noticed that her attitude has been better since I spoke to the special ed coordinator, but she still isn't very personable. During preschool and kindy, I knew every single little thing that went on. The past two years I have felt like I know next to nothing. I am the only mom on the volunteer list, and she has never once called me asking for help with anything. First quarter did go very well for Johnny, and I was once again going to tell her it was time to put him in generals. But then about two weeks before parent teacher conferences, he started having major behavioral problems again. The parent teacher conference went okay and left me feeling better about things. I brought up general ed, and said that I had wanted to put him in but then with his behavior the past two weeks, I wasn't sure. I don't want to put him in and set him up to fail, but I also didn't want to not put him in and hold him back from that even longer if this was just a short lived phase. We decided that we would give it a couple of weeks and if things got better we'd put him in. That never happened. I rarely ever see a home note from Johnny that has a percentage higher than the 70's now. I also reminded her that I was on the volunteer list and I would love to come help. I still have never received a phone call. One of the things they do in the behavior unit is a program that they call social skills. This is the part of the program that I feel is the very best, and the entire reason why I want Johnny in the program. They teach them how to ignore people that are being mean or annoying, they teach them that it's okay to ask for help, and appropriate ways of doing so, they teach the kids about empathy and feelings, etc. This year, they have changed the program a bit, and now the county health services is doing this part of the program. What's really great about this is that they integrate the parents into it and hold a once a month, evening parenting course. So now I'm being taught about what Johnny is learning in school and how to help him. Last month at the first parenting course, we were all kind of standing around talking and getting to know one another after the course was over, and found out that there were at least three groups of parents there who had autistic children. We are now thinking of putting together a much needed support group for parents in our county who have children with high functioning autism, because there is nothing here for us in regards to a support group. So that was great. Then I began talking to one of these moms. I found out that her son went to school with Johnny last year. She had mentioned that her son was in a behavioral unit and so I just casually said "Oh, does he go to Washington?" and then she said "Oh, no! Thank goodness!" I was concerned over her reaction, especially with my recent frustration over Johnny's school. So, I asked her if she could elaborate. It turns out her son is still in 3rd grade so he should be at Washington, but she got special permission to transfer him to the 4th through 6th grade program at another school. She told me that the teacher at Johnny's school has no training regarding autistic children. Her son has a harder time behavior-wise than Johnny does, and she said that her son was in time out all the time last year, and that the teacher told her that he was obstinate and was deliberately behaving the way he was. Then she told me that he spent the last week of school last year in the hospital due to abuse from school. She didn't say whether it was physical, emotional, or what, just that it was abuse. And that's how she got permission to have him moved to the other classroom. I realize now I should have asked her what kind of abuse, but I'm assuming it's emotional, because I would assume that if it were physical, the teacher would be in jail now. So, then I tried talking with Johnathan. I asked him if he had ever been in the time out room. They have a time out room in the BDU. It has a window and a light, and the door does not lock, and it is only used as a last resort. Anyway, I couldn't remember any reports being sent home that he had been in there, but I wasn't sure, so I asked him and he said no. I asked him what happens when kids go in the time out room. I asked him if they keep the light off and he said no. I asked him if the teacher locked the door and he said no, but that the teacher or one of the aides will hold the door knob. I'm not really sure what to make of that because there are times when I've had to hold the door knob to Johnny's room when he's in time out, so I guess I sort of get why such a thing would need to be done. But now I'm just dying inside knowing that there was a child in my little boy's class last year who was abused. And here I sit with a child who doesn't communicate well and I'm wondering if he is being abused too and I don't know a thing about it. And I can't help but wonder why I am never asked to come volunteer. And remember the mom I mentioned who also picked her son up and didn't like the teacher's attitude? Her son no longer goes to the school either. Johnny told me that he'd moved, but now I'm sitting here wondering, did he really move, or did his mom transfer him for some reason? I don't want to place blame where blame is not due, and at his parent teacher conference, his teacher did have a lot of nice things to say about Johnny, and really genuinely seemed to like him. But now I sit here wondering. The next parenting session is tonight, and I plan on talking some more to Brock's mom and see if I can get her to tell me what kind of abuse we are talking about. I am also thinking that when I talk to the team on Monday that I want to tell them to plan on me coming in once a week to volunteer, and that if they have nothing for me to do then I will just observe. Finally, I've been trying to help Johnny improve his marks at school. When he gets out of school we talk about his notes, and talk about what he can do the next day to get a better note. I had been taking away his media time (tv, movies, computer games, video games) for bad notes but now I wonder if that is such a great idea, because it takes away what I feel is a healthy way of blowing off some steam after a hard day. Mornings are difficult with Johnny, and it's hard to get him to stay on task when he's getting ready for school. I finally made him a checklist of all the things he needs to get done in order to be ready to go to school. It's on the marker board we have on the fridge, and I've told him that each day that he has everything checked off by 8:15, he gets a point. When he has 10 points altogether, he gets $2 to do what he wants with. He can either spend it, or he can save it up for something really cool. I've also told him that I will give him another set of points, and that each time he brings a note home from school with at least an 80% or better, with school work done on time and no time outs that he gets a point. And that when he gets 10 of those points, he gets $5 to do what he wants with. The morning check list thing had been going well and so far he's earned 4 points. But this morning went horribly. It took him over an hour just to get dressed this morning, and he ended up going to school with messy hair and dirty teeth, and of course, no point. He hasn't earned any points for school notes yet. Yesterday, after school I was talking to him about his day, and I asked him why school was hard, and he said that school was hard because he never gets good percentages. I'm now seriously thinking that he is suffering from low self esteem, and that that's what is at the bottom of all of this. And I have no idea whether the abuse I mentioned above plays into this self esteem or not, but I can just feel it in my gut that that low self esteem is what is causing all of these issues. When you think about him saying that he can't clean his room because it's too hard, or do any of his other chores because it's too hard, and now he's supposed to be on a 3rd grade reading level, and I know he can read those books, but he'll tell you that he can't because it's too hard, his spelling lists have become harder recently and again I know he can do it, but he'll tell you he can't because it's too hard, and now school is too hard. It just makes sense! The kid is having low self esteem issues. Somehow I have got to make this team see that what they (we) are doing is not working and is just weighing on him and making him feel worse about himself and we have got to find something different. So please help me figure out what to say to these people. There is no where else to go with him. There are no other programs that I am aware of. The only other option that I have thought of is a nearby private school. It has no special ed program but it is a very small school with no more than about 10 kids per class past kindergarten so he may still do well there, but it is pricey and I'm not sure I can afford it. I'm not sure if I need to get him into counseling, whether he needs some medication (I am a medication only as a last resort kind of parent), whether he needs a different program entirely, or whether the program is good for him but maybe he needs different teachers. Or maybe the teachers just need to change their approach. Maybe I need to change something that I'm doing. I don't know.