Hi everyone-I need your help!

Hey guys,

I found this site a couple of weeks ago during one of my routine internet searches on diet and weight loss.  I've been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for about four years now, have been through treatment, relapsed twice before.  I'm back in therapy and seeing a nutritionist after a particularly bad period, and this time I'm trying so hard-I don't want to live like this the rest of my life.  I know all about starvation mode and I know that's what my body is in...I lost over 20 lbs in less than 3 months last fall, and even though I continued to starve myself I basically didn't lose anymore.  I'm finally starting to up my calories, but I'm absolutely terrified...I'm scared that once I get there I won't be able to stop eating so much, I'm scared of gaining weight, I'm scared when I get around 1200.  Most days I'm between 900-1100.  For some reason 1200 is just that really scary number.  I've just started working out again after a few months of it being forbidden by my doctors, so I know I need to eat more.  I think need people to tell me that it's ok, that I need it to live, all that good motivation that everyone around here is sooooo good at giving to each other!  This site and this community is amazing, and I hope it's going to help me-I think it will.  Thanks, I look forward to meeting all of you!

PS-I'm 5'7" and I weigh 113 lbs...I know I'm technically underweight but of course I look at myself and think I should probably lose more...the evils of the disease I guess.

Hi Ashleigh,

There are worse things than gaining a couple of lbs.  Like losing your teeth, hair, or maybe your life.  If you don't want to consume 1200 calories today - don't.  Maybe try and increase them in 25 calorie increments.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't make it one day....just move on to the next day and try it again.

welcome ashleigh! i second what artemisia said - worry is such a
downhill spiral. are there some things you can eat that "feel better"
such as fruit smoothies, cereal or anything that is a comfort to you ?

Congrats on going to the doctor!  I respect that you did that!  I agree, try 25 more today and maybe 25 more tomorrow!

Hey! Welcome to the site.

I'm just gonna copy and paste something I said on another thread..
I've had disordered eating for a few years, and I'm finally getting it through my thick skull that not getting enough calories causes you to gain weight, not lose it. I used to do the whole stay-under-500-calories-a-day-and-if-you-don' t-you're-fat-an d-terrible-and-must-fast-the-next-day deal, and in a way, I still kind of do feel guilty, but you need to focus on what's really important - your health.

If you dramatically increase your intake, be careful, because you might get sick. Up the yogurts, smoothies, and fruits. One of my favorites is low fat Vanilla yogurt with granola and frozen fruits. I freak out if I eat junk because I still have the whole my-God-I'm-going-to-blow-up-like-a-damn-ballo on mindset, so you can also try cereal. Raisin Bran, dude! It's got like 190 cals a cup or something but it's very healthy, and to ease your mind, eat it with skim milk, but I think you and cereal are good friends considered your username.

I dunno, I'm not an expert so I feel kinda stupid rattling a bunch of crap off, but I'm in the same boat as you, girlie. Take care.

Ashleigh-good for you for taking the necessary steps to get 'better' and asking for help. That is one of my biggest problems, asking for help! A little encouragement goes a long way. I have the opposite problem as you, I love to eat, and eat, and eat. I see myself fat and just keep eating. I have been trying to get healthy for about a month now and I can tell you I have slipped. My point...take it 'one day at a time.' Some great advice I got on this site is make small changes, set goals, and if you mess up it's okay because "tomorrow is another day." Good luck to you!

Hi Ashliegh !!
 Artemisa Nailed It, another thing you need to do is throw the scale out the window. I think it makes things worse I even went so far to remove all the mirrors in my house (except the one in the bathroom ) For several years I refused to have a full length mirror in my home. I tried to remove the things that made me feel worse about myself . I was never hospitalized  But at my lowest point I was 5'4" and 105-108 and binging and purging several times a day. I still binge when stressed but I have not purged for 10 years. I Have decided I would rather be overwt than dead. I think Lady O once said in one of her posts that she looks in the mirror and tells herself that she loves herself and other positive things ever day. Try it !! Start with something small and work your way up. 
   Good Luck to You!!! Ali

yup.. that was me.. i do that every day.. i'm working on trying to improve my self esteem.. because i really think that my low self esteem is why i have an ED and why i've never let myself even try and get better.  I'm telling you right now.. it works!  if you tell yourself often enough that you aren't worthless and you are loved by yourself.. you actually come to believe it!  :)  it's a long hard road though.. i've been at it for a tad over 5 months now and i'm just starting to see my self esteem get a bit better.. i still have my moments.. but heck.. we all do!  :)

i'm glad to hear that you are working on changing your bad habits into good ones.. it's a hard thing to do.. of course i don't have anorexia or bulemia.. (i'm a binger without the purging) but i can understand warped thinking when it comes to food.. so my heart goes out to you! 

Ashliegh,

You sound like you are really working hard, and that it has been rough for you, but that you are succeeding.  You will find lots of support here, so welcome.

At 5'7" and 113, you seem a little more than "technically" underweight, although I am sure that is hard for you to see right now.

Seek out all the support you need from every possible source.  Don't be afraid to talk a lot and lean on people.

You've probably heard of OA, but if you haven't, it is a 12 step group for people with eating disorders, and usually at the meetings I have been to, there were many, many recovering anorexics there.

(((hug)))  you've been through a lot.  Welcome.

-R

Hi again-

Thank you so much everyone for your support...I knew when I found this site that it would make a difference for me-as much as my family and my friends and my boyfriend are sooo wonderful, I feel like nobody understands what it is like to have these major issues with food.  Sometimes I think that just because I'm now in treatment, everyone thinks, ok you're better, and I want to just yell, "Just because I can sit down and eat a Lean Cuisine for dinner with you does not mean I'm ok yet!"  Sorry, that was a little mean.  But anyway, thanks for everyone's advice...yesterday I went to the doctor and got major tough love from her-she wants me eating more calories RIGHT NOW-and she wants me to eat foods that I don't feel comfortable eating...today my homework is to actually let my boyfriend take me out to dinner and not just order a salad, and not starve myself all day to prepare...I'm a little nervous.  I totally agree about the scale...I had been doing a lot better and was only weighing in twice a week, but then TTOM came on and I panicked and now I'm back to once a day, which is still better than 20 times a day-I know I need to throw it out, I just haven't been able to force myself to do it yet.  And I have heard of OA but didn't realize that it was ok for people w/ other kinds of ED's to go there, I'm definitely going to look into meetings in my area because like I said before, I think it helps soooo much to be able to talk to people that actually KNOW what you're going through, instead of just doing their best to understand.  Thanks again everyone!

you are doing great just by admitting your illness.  You can do it.  Start slow and increase your calories 100 a week extra.  If you just add slowly with some lean protien after a few weeks you will be at the calorie you need to maintain your weight. 

Dont let your problems live your life.  You live your life and make it as healthy as possible. 

When thoughts come your way make it a point to change it to a possitive thought.

Try a week without looking in a mirror or weighing.  Get your mind on somthing else. 

ashleigh, there are more great ED recovery support boards and resources (although it sound like you've got a great doctor and some supportive people around you) at somethingfishy.org.  It really helped me when I was starting to recover to go there and realize - I'm not alone, and there are othe rpeople here who knwo it's tough to get better.  I totally agree with your comment about "just because I can eat a Lean Cuisine..." It's just baby steps, but you CAN do it.  Eat as much as you can.  Will it help you if I tell you the first 1200 cals are actually freebies, cause your body needs them in this proportion:

-The heart needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The kidney needs 12% of the calories (144 cals)
-The Liver needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The brain needs 23% of the calories (276 cals)
-The skeletal muscle needs 30% of the calories (360 cals)"

(pasted from this post)

So really, only cals after the first 1200 count (although it was REALLY hard for me to see 4 digits at first, lemme tell ya!)

wow, thank you for that saroful, I needed to see that as well.

ladyashleigh, i'm in the same boat as you.
I've been suffering with an ED for a couple years now
(fear of food, laxitives, warped body image...)
And some days it's really hard for me to eat as well. But if you look at what saroful just said, it makes eating feel okay to me. It also makes me realize how much my body was being restricted when I was down to eating 600 calories a day.

I hope that helps in some way! I know you can do it! Slow and steady and you'll make it.

Lady Ashleigh, I am proud of you for coming forward and stating your problem. It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep it up. Fight the good fight.

Hey lady ashleigh,

Wanting help is a very good thing. I'm in the same boat. Except I used to measure, and count everything that went into my mouth. Totally time consuming and not worth it. I thought it would make more people like me, but it didn't. Being extremely thin did bring on attention though, which was really cool to me. But I was unhappy. I got treatment, and now my biggest problem is just accepting myself the way I'm made. My family is big boned and so am I. So not only am I too thin for an average person, but I'm extremely thin for a big boned person. A couple days ago, I decided to put my life in God's hands, and trust that he will take care of me. He will make my life enjoyable, and put me back in the healthy, happy place I was in before my eating disorder. Though I was overweight before my ED, I don't want to get there. But just try to trust yourself. Trust your body. I know i'm underweight because I haven't had a period in a year and a half. And the last time I check my estrogen level (I think I was about 100-102 lbs.) it was 17! it has to be 40-50 to have a period. So only being 105 now, I doubt i'll be having one until I gain some more weight. Anyways, just keep up WANTING to get better and try to give your life to God. All he wants is for you to be happy, and all your body wants is to be healthy. So try to trust your body, too.