Hi everyone, I am new and struggling

Hi Everyone,

I am new to the forums, even though I have been on Calorie Count for quite a while, and I would like to share my story with you as I am new to weight gain and currently struggling.

I am 28 years old, female, I weight between 110-112lb (50-51 Kg) and I I think I am 5.57 feet (1.70Meters). After an episode of ED when I was a teenager my weight set at 130pounds and it never moved much since the last 2 years. And I was happy with it, and with myself. Then I run a marathon and lost 10pounds. I got loads of compliments and I thought I looked better then ever. I didn't want to loose anymore, but somehow I couldn't keep my weight stable and lost another 10 (all in a bit less then 1 and half years). I started to like my thinner body shape. I bought smaller clothes, everyone told me I was skinny and fab, and I started to count calories (trying not to go over 1600) and obsess over it for fear of gaining the weight back. For the past year I have been in between 110-112 pound, but I started to have light symptoms of being underweight: i was always tired, my hair was falling much more then usual, I got sick more then usual etc. After my boyfriend and my mom insisted so much I went to see a doctor (nutritionist) and the doctor just confirmed what I suspected. That I was underweight and had to gain some weight. So I convinced myself and I started eating more (since last week). I find it so much harder then I ever thought.

I am struggling with the quantities I have to eat, the frequency, and the type of food. I never really 'banned' any food before, but i ate everything in small quantities. the fattier the food the smaller the quantity. I am struggling with my body image, I gained 5pounds in a week (since i started eating more) and I can see it when I look at myself in the mirror as they are all concentrated in my tummy. I used to be very sporty but my doc advised me not to excercise for the first few weeks, and not going to the gym makes me cranky. I know that this is the right thing to do,  that i have to gain weight in order to be healthier, and also that in the last year I was way too obsessed with food, and i should not care so much. But i am still struggling with it, somehow for years I always associated loosing weight with 'good', gaining = bad, and now it's hard to change the way my mind works. (Plus I have the irrational fear that I will not go back to my old and nice body shape but the new weight will concentrate on my stomach and my tights ... ).

I know that this are most likely very common struggles, so I was wondering if anyone has some techniques to get 'mind over fears' or any books or just any advice in general on how to deal with it.

Thanks!!

first of all im so pleased you have joined us you ve come to the right place for support . I know what a struggle this disorder is im 27 and have had it for 14 years and am trying to recover. you are making the right decison although i know its hard to believe sometimes . everything you are describing is normal . initally you often get a quite large gain i gained 6 ibs in my first week. this is normal its not just weight its the body sorting itself out , alot will probably be fluid . please try not to panic about this it will slow down . i know it often feels like the stomach is getting bigger, part of this is the ed talking, also your so used to having an empty stomach , and this will distribute. try not to think of this as weight gain its restoration building your body to the lowest weight it should be to be healthy, its repairing your body feeding your organs and muscles so you can do all the things you want to , and not be starved and dictated by exercise and weight. trust me the beginning is the hardest it does get easier . are you having any theapy ? have you thought about writing a journal? its often good to write down how you feel ? how about posting your meal plans everyone is behind you and will help and support you. this dosent have to be a bad experience it can be the start of the rest of your life. a couple of books you might find helpful the first is sports nutrition by nancy clark as i know your quite sporty also feel the fear do it anyway . message me anytime you really can do this and its the right thing to do h x

Welcome! Well, if you read novels I'd recommend hunger point...its a great book. If you're looking for more scientific books then I can't really help there...but I can provide my perspective being weight restored after having AN.

Well...its hard to see when you're struggling with this disease that you actually have a problem. You don't see your body the way it truly is and ýou don't feel the damage. This is wHy recovery is so hard. We convince ourselves that the low weight is okay, that its normal and we feel great but its not until we actually start recovering that we realize how "un-fine" really are. You start to notice a glow to your skin, more energy, and a vibrance that's missing when you're underweight.

What motivated me to get betþer was the realization that the people who would enter my life and only give me a second look because I'm as thin as can be don't deserve to be in my life and I'd rather have them out. I don't think its worth killing myself to please or get the attention of someone who wouldn't otherwise be in my life. It seems so silly. I realized that I didn't look good sick, I looked disgusting and I was embarrassed not proud. I didn't want anyone to see my stick legs or outtie belly button from being so thin. I didn't want anyone touching me because they would feel bones. I didn't want to eat around people or to talk about food because I always felt watched. Life is so much better now, and I mean so much better. Of course ED thoughts do resurface every now and again but I know what's best for my body and ill never go back to that place. I felt the lowest I've ever felt in my life and my health was at risk. Now I can run, lift weights, and be active without worrying about causing heart failure.I can eat good food and go out with people without so much anxiety. I feel proud of my new body in general, but I will admit I have bad days. Everyone does. In reality I never gained anything from being underweight except the realization that I never wanted to be that way again. Food took control of me, not the other way around. I couldn't go out to eat, to social gatherings, or anything involving food yet I fooled myself into thinking I was the powerful one. I was mistaken but now I have that power back. I am healthy and I would love to help you reach that point as well! :)

hey chrissy - I just wanted to comment on your post - it is really great to hear from someone who has been through the recovery process and come out the other end feeling so much more positive and able to give a realistic perspective on how you look back on your time in the depths of your ED.

I have just started (a month or two ago) to really 100% commit to recovery and have gotten about half way to my goal weight but I can identify with a lot of the changes you state above - I am feeling reduced anxiety, feeling more relaxed (not totally but more than I was) about food quantitites and types and about eating in social situations etc. I am very much looking forward to getting more and more energy and looking forward to enjoying exercise rather than feeling forced to do it.

I also already look back and wonder how I could have let myself get to where I was - I looked and felt horrible and I lost all my personality and totally changed as a person. Thankfully my family and friends are now starting to see signs of the 'old me' and I am feeling so much better for that.

Sorry for the ramble but I guess i just wanted to reinforce how good it is to committ to recovery and stick at it - it is hard but if you make sure you get the right support and are really honest with yourself and others it can make all the difference..

Hi there!

I could echo everything you are saying. It is so inspiring to have this sight to hear the stories of all the "fears" and then how they are overcome. They really are irrational when you think about it, aren't they?. I find the fear of feeling full sometimes paralyzes me to not eat certain foods. But what good is this? I TOTALLY agree that food is controlling you (and me! for that matter) When I really think about this, it's so sad! and I want it to stop. 

 

So, I'm on your team, with you and going forward. I look forward to more of your successes and I'll share mine. Go Hoiling!

 :-)

I'd suggest writtiing out a list of all the negative aspects, side effects etc with being under weight. And all the positive things that will come out of being a healthy weight! Then stick it some where you will see it everyday, like on the fridge or by your mirror. Then each time you see it you can reinforce your reasons for going on this journey.

 

Good luck! Love and rasberries, Kat xoxo

thanks for sharing that with us chrissy i found it most helpful h x